How did you handle a break up without drinking ?
Sobriety date April 19th 2011
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Salem, VA
Posts: 157
How did you handle a break up without drinking ?
For those of you who are long time sober folks , How did you do it ( if you ever did ? )
I've been working on quitting drinking since January , and I wasn't being very successful in the process. I could manage 3-4 days, then it would fall into a 3-4 day binge.... the cycle continued.
My GF of 4 years quit back in November ( we were more or less constant drinking buddies over 3.5 years of our relationship ) and never really got treatment other than once a week counseling , she got a very high horse of sobriety and more or less threw a fit if I drank anything at all. Of course my behavior and built up resentments caused alot of problems there with anger. So I don't blame her for all of it.
I checked myself into rehab on April 19th for a week long detox while she went to Miami to be with her Girlfriends for Easter Weekend. . I got out on April 25th and the first time we really spent time together was this past weekend.
Naturally things were strained with me focusing so hard on sobriety and myself while she felt neglected because I was not giving into all of the same things I used to which were triggers for me. Even though I stayed at her house all weekend , I had meetings to go to and was avoiding any kind of conflict that my trigger me to want to drink. I was no longer jumping at her every request.
Well Sunday she texts me ( REALLY A TEXT ??? ) to tell me she needs time , she has too many resentments towards me , I need to be selfish right now ... etc, etc. That the past 48 hours told her what she needed to know.
I handled it pretty well that day as I knew it was a very real possibility that with neither of us drinking the common denominator between us would be gone. So I was fairly well mentally prepared for it.
Then the day before yesterday some things she had said really hit home and I realized that we really weren't good for each other in our current state. ( like that song Tomorrow by Chris young )Which made me very sad. Still makes me very sad.
I have two children whom I have custody of ( although my 15 yr old daughter is staying with my parents at the moment while I work through some of this ). My son is too young to understand many of the issues as they really haven't effected him much at this point.
I don't know if being so knew into recovery is a good or bad thing at this point. Sometimes I'm angry at her timing , sometimes I'm sad at the reality , sometimes I just want to say " **** it all " and go drink.
I know this is a terrible idea , and unhealthy and I'm doing this for me and my kids and not her. I know this would be the easy way out , but it seems that there are not enough meetings or I don't have the time to get to enough to help distract me from it all. It feels like so many changes happening so fast.
Quit drinking
5 AA meetings a week + church
1 Counselor appointment a week
Meeting with sponsor 1 day a week
Taking care of my son
Now dealing with the emotional loss of a 4 year relationship that I thought and hoped would be my last one ever.
So for those of you who had similar situations .... how did you handle it ? what did you do ?
I've been working on quitting drinking since January , and I wasn't being very successful in the process. I could manage 3-4 days, then it would fall into a 3-4 day binge.... the cycle continued.
My GF of 4 years quit back in November ( we were more or less constant drinking buddies over 3.5 years of our relationship ) and never really got treatment other than once a week counseling , she got a very high horse of sobriety and more or less threw a fit if I drank anything at all. Of course my behavior and built up resentments caused alot of problems there with anger. So I don't blame her for all of it.
I checked myself into rehab on April 19th for a week long detox while she went to Miami to be with her Girlfriends for Easter Weekend. . I got out on April 25th and the first time we really spent time together was this past weekend.
Naturally things were strained with me focusing so hard on sobriety and myself while she felt neglected because I was not giving into all of the same things I used to which were triggers for me. Even though I stayed at her house all weekend , I had meetings to go to and was avoiding any kind of conflict that my trigger me to want to drink. I was no longer jumping at her every request.
Well Sunday she texts me ( REALLY A TEXT ??? ) to tell me she needs time , she has too many resentments towards me , I need to be selfish right now ... etc, etc. That the past 48 hours told her what she needed to know.
I handled it pretty well that day as I knew it was a very real possibility that with neither of us drinking the common denominator between us would be gone. So I was fairly well mentally prepared for it.
Then the day before yesterday some things she had said really hit home and I realized that we really weren't good for each other in our current state. ( like that song Tomorrow by Chris young )Which made me very sad. Still makes me very sad.
I have two children whom I have custody of ( although my 15 yr old daughter is staying with my parents at the moment while I work through some of this ). My son is too young to understand many of the issues as they really haven't effected him much at this point.
I don't know if being so knew into recovery is a good or bad thing at this point. Sometimes I'm angry at her timing , sometimes I'm sad at the reality , sometimes I just want to say " **** it all " and go drink.
I know this is a terrible idea , and unhealthy and I'm doing this for me and my kids and not her. I know this would be the easy way out , but it seems that there are not enough meetings or I don't have the time to get to enough to help distract me from it all. It feels like so many changes happening so fast.
Quit drinking
5 AA meetings a week + church
1 Counselor appointment a week
Meeting with sponsor 1 day a week
Taking care of my son
Now dealing with the emotional loss of a 4 year relationship that I thought and hoped would be my last one ever.
So for those of you who had similar situations .... how did you handle it ? what did you do ?
Last edited by Enoy; 05-04-2011 at 06:20 AM. Reason: additional info
Sobriety date April 19th 2011
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Salem, VA
Posts: 157
Well I've done so in that aspect , I did so over the weekend and explained to her that it's a long term recovery process and that I wouldn't be the same person I was before. That a very significant part of me needs to change....
When she saw this first hand is when she decided to end it. So at this point she's not my GF.
When she saw this first hand is when she decided to end it. So at this point she's not my GF.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
Hi, Enoy.
I am not a relationship specialist--hell, I drank because the woman in my life wouldn't do what I wanted. Turns out, alcoholics aren't good at relationships because of selfish, self-centered dishonesty and fear. I didn't know that at the time, but I learned it by sticking with The Steps in AA. Things are much different today, and relationships still befuddle me sometimes, but I no longer wring my hands wondering why a drink won't fix it. When I started going to meetings and not drinking, I was told that anything that I put between me and my sobriety, I was going to lose. Sooner or later, if I was more intent on keeping a relationship or a job or a friend, I was going to lose my sobriety. Sobriety HAS TO BE FIRST or it won't last.
When I started getting healthy, people around me didn't change--I changed. That meant that I was getting healthy and having to deal with life on life's terms without my original solution--alcohol--and it was hard. So I went to meetings and I asked those people what they did to stay sober--and then I actually took the actions they had taken.
Get out of your head and into your shoes, put relationships away until you actually have something to bring to one, and focus on getting better one day at a time. If you've got a God, talk to Him. If you don't have one, get one.
Self righteous anger and self pity are dubious luxuries best suited for others. Get sober and be of some use to those children for a while--seems like enough to do for the time being, doesn't it?
I am not a relationship specialist--hell, I drank because the woman in my life wouldn't do what I wanted. Turns out, alcoholics aren't good at relationships because of selfish, self-centered dishonesty and fear. I didn't know that at the time, but I learned it by sticking with The Steps in AA. Things are much different today, and relationships still befuddle me sometimes, but I no longer wring my hands wondering why a drink won't fix it. When I started going to meetings and not drinking, I was told that anything that I put between me and my sobriety, I was going to lose. Sooner or later, if I was more intent on keeping a relationship or a job or a friend, I was going to lose my sobriety. Sobriety HAS TO BE FIRST or it won't last.
When I started getting healthy, people around me didn't change--I changed. That meant that I was getting healthy and having to deal with life on life's terms without my original solution--alcohol--and it was hard. So I went to meetings and I asked those people what they did to stay sober--and then I actually took the actions they had taken.
Get out of your head and into your shoes, put relationships away until you actually have something to bring to one, and focus on getting better one day at a time. If you've got a God, talk to Him. If you don't have one, get one.
Self righteous anger and self pity are dubious luxuries best suited for others. Get sober and be of some use to those children for a while--seems like enough to do for the time being, doesn't it?
Sobriety date April 19th 2011
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Salem, VA
Posts: 157
Wow that sounded almost verbatim to what I hear in most meetings lol
This is what I'm currently working on , and the reason I was able to let go as well as I did , because I do need to focus on sobriety first right now. My kids second and everything else after. It still makes me sad to think that all that time we had , both good and bad will not be there. I'm a firm believer in the old " Reason , season, or lifetime " and I do talk to God every morning/night and several times a day after taking the third step. I truly believe that is the biggest reason I've been able to handle this as I have.
But yeah , I guess it's a little self pity , fear of the future and fear of the loneliness.
This is what I'm currently working on , and the reason I was able to let go as well as I did , because I do need to focus on sobriety first right now. My kids second and everything else after. It still makes me sad to think that all that time we had , both good and bad will not be there. I'm a firm believer in the old " Reason , season, or lifetime " and I do talk to God every morning/night and several times a day after taking the third step. I truly believe that is the biggest reason I've been able to handle this as I have.
But yeah , I guess it's a little self pity , fear of the future and fear of the loneliness.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
Originally Posted by Enoy
Wow that sounded almost verbatim to what I hear in most meetings.
Look, I get the companion part, but maybe it's time to find out who Enoy is--without all the gakked up emotions tied to other people, places and things. What alcohol stopped doing for me years ago I started stuffing other stuff into the gap in hopes of filling the void. The Void became me.Give yourself time to physically heal (my sponsor said it'll take about a month for every year of drinking for my synapses and emotions to settle out) and spend that time doing The Steps and developing a relationship with that God of yours. Sobriety is more than simply quitting drinking--it's about learning about yourself and being authentic to the God of your understanding; it's about 'right-sizing' in a world that can't say, "No!" to anything; it's about repairing relationships long thought dead and gone; it's about those children you're responsible for... And it's about you being the YOU God intended. Give it a chance--the rewards are beyond your wildest expectations! In fact, write down (on a piece of paper, yes) what/where/how you see yourself in five years. Seriously. Dream big, and you're sending it to YOU, so don't lie. Slip it in an envelope, mail it to yourself, and don't open it. Put it in that cupboard above the fridge and get busy working those Steps with a sponsor, attending meetings, doing the next right thing. When five years is up, check it out.
You can PM me if you like and I'll be glad to give you my email addy.
You can do this. But only you can do this.
Sobriety date April 19th 2011
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Salem, VA
Posts: 157
Thanks SKG sound advice and I agree.
I was sober for three years through AA back in '02-'05. When life changed ( moved into own house with my daughter and started drinking on weekends ) Got married , had my son , got divorced .... etc , the drinking was only one night a week bingers until the divorce in '07 then it steadily increased over time.
In the beginning there I felt like I was doing well and I knew myself well.... over the past few years , I've seen me revert back to the old me that I was years and years ago. How the alcohol really took me bag to a younger , more selfish , irresponsible me.
I'm currently working ( albeit slowly ) on step 4 and mending the relationship with my daughter.
I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions and may hit you up with a PM sometime.
I was sober for three years through AA back in '02-'05. When life changed ( moved into own house with my daughter and started drinking on weekends ) Got married , had my son , got divorced .... etc , the drinking was only one night a week bingers until the divorce in '07 then it steadily increased over time.
In the beginning there I felt like I was doing well and I knew myself well.... over the past few years , I've seen me revert back to the old me that I was years and years ago. How the alcohol really took me bag to a younger , more selfish , irresponsible me.
I'm currently working ( albeit slowly ) on step 4 and mending the relationship with my daughter.
I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions and may hit you up with a PM sometime.
Sobriety date April 19th 2011
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Salem, VA
Posts: 157
Well I feel like I am .... Being here and being able to get my thoughts out help.... Kind of like having an AA meeting while here at work with a much larger crowd.
In that thought I guess I forgot the intro :
" Hi my name is Tim and I'm an alcoholic....... "
(Serenity prayer commence )
"Amen"
In that thought I guess I forgot the intro :
" Hi my name is Tim and I'm an alcoholic....... "
(Serenity prayer commence )
"Amen"
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 499
Sometimes life is a bunch of crap to deal with...and it's our choice how we deal with it, especially if it's not what we want or expect.
(I'm saying this to myself right now too btw..having just returned from picking up my 18 year old daughter from school by a police summons.)
So...I've eaten a half dozen chocolate chip cookies..and I'm full...and nothing has changed except that I am full. Pfft. Guess that didn't work!
Take care.
(I'm saying this to myself right now too btw..having just returned from picking up my 18 year old daughter from school by a police summons.)
So...I've eaten a half dozen chocolate chip cookies..and I'm full...and nothing has changed except that I am full. Pfft. Guess that didn't work!
Take care.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi Enoy-
Getting broken up with sucks and it hurts. It's hurt me everytime, even when I treated them like crap and the breakup was my fault.
Keep working the steps in AA and you'll get to the point where people, places, and things will have less to do with your happiness.
I'm sorry though...
Kjell~
Getting broken up with sucks and it hurts. It's hurt me everytime, even when I treated them like crap and the breakup was my fault.
Keep working the steps in AA and you'll get to the point where people, places, and things will have less to do with your happiness.
I'm sorry though...
Kjell~
Sobriety date April 19th 2011
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Salem, VA
Posts: 157
Well the ironic thing is that .... Well I had spent the past week or so ( hell even months ) kind of feeling like it was time. That if we weren't drinking our differences were overcoming our commonalities. That was one of the strong bonds was we were drinking buddies and could take off for hours or even weekends and drink all weekend together and just be around each other. When sober , we have alot less in common , or our patience and " I don't give a damn because I'm drunk " attitudes are missing.
I think was bothers me the most is all the hell I've gone through with her over her wanting me to stop drinking.... then not even a full week out of rehab it's over. Considering that just a day or two prior she was telling me how proud she was of me for taking that step and how much she had missed me. How she understood that I needed to focus on those things.... Then sunday it was like "I'm not getting enough attention anymore and I don't like you sober" type of deal. Part of me even wonders if she thought I was going to break it off and wanted to beat me to the punch.
As drinking buddies I took alot of her drunken craziness and stood by her like she took mine at times, so it's not like it was a one sided issue.
I think it just hurts that sobriety wasn't even given a chance... But I am feeling better about it at the moment. I have moments throughout the day that it gets to me. Then others when I feel much better about it.
I think taking the 3rd step and doing my daily morning prayers.... Putting it in God's hands what happens in the future while focusing on the things i CAN control ( serenity prayer ) really does help. I just have to remind myself in those times that I can't control everything.
I appreciate some of the responses and offers for contact if I need it. Thank you all.
I think was bothers me the most is all the hell I've gone through with her over her wanting me to stop drinking.... then not even a full week out of rehab it's over. Considering that just a day or two prior she was telling me how proud she was of me for taking that step and how much she had missed me. How she understood that I needed to focus on those things.... Then sunday it was like "I'm not getting enough attention anymore and I don't like you sober" type of deal. Part of me even wonders if she thought I was going to break it off and wanted to beat me to the punch.
As drinking buddies I took alot of her drunken craziness and stood by her like she took mine at times, so it's not like it was a one sided issue.
I think it just hurts that sobriety wasn't even given a chance... But I am feeling better about it at the moment. I have moments throughout the day that it gets to me. Then others when I feel much better about it.
I think taking the 3rd step and doing my daily morning prayers.... Putting it in God's hands what happens in the future while focusing on the things i CAN control ( serenity prayer ) really does help. I just have to remind myself in those times that I can't control everything.
I appreciate some of the responses and offers for contact if I need it. Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Hang in there Enoy..I have seen people comment that they are happy to have support of their partners in their sobriety..BUT ..I think 2 drinkers together make a BEEEG difference. The support is not always there. I stayed in a relationship for 25 yrs that I should have left a long time ago. I got sober..he didn't. Looking at myself..He never knew me. He drank ALOT and I joined him. I always drank but really upped the ante with him. We were drinking buddies that did wild and crazy things for years. Lived together..married (in a helicopter hovering over Las Vegas at 9PM..we were as lit as the city) and divorced on the ground. Got back together again for another period of YEARS. This was a catastrophic move..not one of my finest. As the years went on he had developed a very dark brooding violent side that got unleashed when he drank..and apparently I did not love myself enough to get out of the relationship. I drank to numb myself from it. Without writing a book..I finally sobered up and can see the relationship for what it was. Starting to learn my part in this torture..BUT sober..there is NO way in hell I would have stayed as long as I did. This is a huge period of growth for me. LONG story short..take this time to get to know yourself. I am and I am happy. I have not had happy in a long time..I was due! I wish you well..it does get better and better. Sometimes..you have to come apart in order to be whole again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi enoy
I broke up with a fiancee in 97 and spent the next two years drinking...I still have no idea what I did those two years.
Whenever I sobered up...the pain was still there, and I still had to deal with it.
I would have been better off simply dealing with it, getting through it, coming to terms with it and moving on.
For me the fear of pain was incredible...I'd do anything to avoid that fear and the sense of feeling sad, of being uncomfortable...
Nowadays I see sadness grief or whatever for what it is...a very natural human reaction to something.
I deal with it, I process stuff, I hopefully learn some things and grow from it, and I move on.
You sound like you have the right idea to me - all the best, mate
D
I broke up with a fiancee in 97 and spent the next two years drinking...I still have no idea what I did those two years.
Whenever I sobered up...the pain was still there, and I still had to deal with it.
I would have been better off simply dealing with it, getting through it, coming to terms with it and moving on.
For me the fear of pain was incredible...I'd do anything to avoid that fear and the sense of feeling sad, of being uncomfortable...
Nowadays I see sadness grief or whatever for what it is...a very natural human reaction to something.
I deal with it, I process stuff, I hopefully learn some things and grow from it, and I move on.
You sound like you have the right idea to me - all the best, mate
D
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