JohnBarleycorn

Today my father asked me suspiciously if I was drinking, by which he meant if I was drinking in secret. For a while he'd "check" every time he saw me to see if I had been drinking, but that eventually ended.

I don't blame him for it per se, as I did hide the bulk of my drinking for many years, until I wasn't able to anymore.

Just thought I was past this "stage" ... guess not.

Interestingly, it did make me think about doing just that for a minute, but I recalled the vow I made to myself:

TheEnd

The most important people we have in recovery is ourselves, therefore it would be virtually impossible to hide your drinking. When I keep in mind that I am doing this for myself, then the idea of "hiding my drinking" is not something I can fathom.

gymi11

I cant even begin to think about faking recovery. Why?? Makes no sense. When I was out there, i'm runnin and gunnin, I'm a consumer of more. Who the hell wants to sit in an AA meeting wasted?? To each their own I guess.

Opivotal

I know I thought I hid my drinking John. I'm sure everyone knew the truth. I was only fooling myself. I was also lying about it. A LOT. So I guess it takes time for the people to trust again. It's fine with me, I know I'm not drinking and my behavior will speak for itself.


Best Wishes To You!

Bikeguy

ditto

Zencat

I was never good at hiding my drinking. The wobble in my walk and the slurred speech gave me away...always.

BullDog777

i was never able to hide it because i always drank until oblivion. my alcoholism was like a faucet. it was either all on or all off.

nowadays, i can smell people on the other side of the room if they have had a mixed drink. i doubt i could ever hide any drinking.

sunrise1

I did a good bit of sneaking while I was actively drinking, but I decided to put some barricades in place once I began recovery so that sneaking would be much harder. I told my husband to check my sodas anytime... and looked him dead in the eye and said I would never lie to him about drinking- - EVER. So for me, a relapse means I MUST tell him; it's a powerful tool in my toolbox for those times when I'm even the slightest bit tempted.

bubblehead

I dunno, I don't think someone accusing you of drinking is necessarily helpful. When I first quit, I lived with my (abusive) ex-fiance. He never knew I was sneaking, he only knew when I stupidly told him because I wanted help. Then I did quit for weeks or a month at a time but every time we had a disagreement, he'd accuse me of drinking, when I had not been. To make matters worse, he also has OCPD, which is a disorder that causes one to make up rules. I got sick of some his "rules" related to his mental illness and started locking the bathroom door when I took a shower, simply because he'd find five or six things wrong with what I did everytime and I just wanted a shower in peace. He would stand at the door and yell "ARE you drinking or doing drugs in there?" No I just locked the bathroom door because I want to take a shower in peace!
I've never done drugs at all. He constantly accused me, guilt tripped me even when I was doing well, not drinking and thinking I was going to make it. In the end I went apesh*T, had 4-5 binges of 12-18 beers at a time. I just said screw it. Even in my worst drinking prior to this, it was 5-6 per day. I can't blame my drinking on him, not like he was pouring it down my throat. but I do wonder if I would have reacted that way if no one was berating me. I quit without a problem once I left and got the hell away from him. Honestly, I don't think someone accusing you of drinking when you are not is helpful. As alcoholics, we feel guilt and shame for what we have done in the past and we take it because we feel we deserve it. Furthering that guilt and shame does not help. We can only control what we do now. We can say we are sorry for the past but we cannot change it. If you don't look drunk, don't act drunk and don't smell like alcohol there is no reason to question you. If I were in that position, I would ask the person to not do that.

CarolD

I know a lot of D.C. bartenders that wished I would have
been a secret drinker....

I also don't make my AA recovery a secret....

FrothyJay

I remember at one point while I was relapsing someone said something to me that planted a seed.

I'd relapsed while on a business trip-- which was becoming my signature move--and this friend, Barry, asked me why I drank that time. When I told him that I drank because I felt I could get away with it, he shook his head.

"What exactly are you getting away with?" he asked. "When it matters that you know you are drinking, you'll begin to understand how this works."

The comment floored me. Love myself enough to not want to hurt myself? It was incomprehensible.

JBC-- I know my story is a bit off the mark-- I, too, have been questioned about my sobriety and felt that initial surge of resentment. But if you're at all like me, you lied to those who love you constantly. And that takes a long time to go away, if it ever does.

JohnBarleycorn

Your friend was dead on. It was not until I stopped trying to "get away with it" that I was able to truly see things for what they are.

Only when I saw that drinking, for me, is wrong, always, did I begin to recover.

I suppose that is the gist of it - and why I posted - an initial surge of resentment. But, again, I can't really blame him for it at this point.

Supercrew

When I told him that I drank because I felt I could get away with it, he shook his head.

"What exactly are you getting away with?" he asked. "When it matters that you know you are drinking, you'll begin to understand how this works."

This is when the light really came on for me. I used to always be the "can I get away with it" guy. But when I was that guy I wasn't getting sober for myself, and I didn't want sobriety. As soon as I could trust myself...alone...for an extended period of time, I realized I won. Not that the thoughts don't appear from time to time, but now I can finally trust myself not to act on them.

I was my worst peer when it came to peer pressure for many years, now that same peer acts as my conscience.

simplyfab

I know exactly what you mean. I wasn't ready, no matter how much I thought I was, until it mattered to ME that I'd be drinking and letting myself down.
When I knew the guilt and shame for taking that first drink, wasn't worth the guilt and shame Id be feeling for taking that first drink. (If that makes sense)
Thats when I truly knew I was done with alcohol. When I could get away with it, but still had no desire to.

DayTrader

Out of curiosity, how long have you been sober?

I'd hear questions on and off for the first year or so. After that, they stopped - I can only assume I was LIVING differently and ppl could see it. Perhaps I was transitioning from "recovering" to "recovered."


Oddly enough, over the last year I've had ppl who've known me well ask if I'd "like one now" or "you've been so good for so long, one or two now probably won't hurt anything, will they?"

OklaBH

What brought his question on? Maybe he is just concerned. My dad came over Sunday and was shocked as $hit there was no alcohol in my house. I would lie straight to peoples faces and say I hadnt been drinking. The huge pupils, smell and thick tongue gave me away. Very sad existence.

LaFemme

Since no one IRL particularly. Cares whether I drink or not I don't get tbhis question. I thought when I saw the title you might be referring to posters here who were still drinking and saying they were sober, because every once and awhile I read a post and wonder.

Of course the way my autocorrexct works people probably thinlk I'm frequently smashed

Ranger

(OT) Heya, LaF. You were such a staple of my first month on SR, your brief absence was noticed and missed!

JohnBarleycorn

Three months this time, but my last "run" of all day daily drinking lasted a year and a half, so I can't really blame him for not believing that this is it.

I heard a speaker at a meeting tonight - she only did a month long all-day run before her family, and eventually the police, finally intervened, though.

My family tried to intervene at one point, to no avail. It was full steam ahead for me, straight into the abyss, and my "moment of clarity" was a long time coming. How the heck I finally snapped out of it before dying is beyond me sometimes.

I'm not going back to that, though - ever again - I don't care what anyone says.

There will be no more relapses. I'd rather swallow a bullet, and that's not going to happen.

JohnBarleycorn

LOL.

That might make for an interesting poll: