Im dead
 

Well, I relapsed again. Big time. So, for all who are interested, the clock got re-started. I have really been trying to think of what led to this, how I could have prevented it, and how it will be prevented in the future. One word . . . STRESS.

I stress on everything. I create my own stress. The big one for me is the near loss of a close family member. I worry about that one a lot. I am always bitter about it, want to get revenge, etc. Now that person is fine. What I did realize in my pontification is that I am the one who is dead. No, not a brush with death. I am dead. I look into my soul-mirror every day and don't recognize myself. I didn't have a brush. I am dead!

Luckily I am not actually (physically) dead. I need to rebuild. I have a lot of work to do, but I have a lot of energy to expend if I am not drinking and stoking the rage-fire. I am really down right now, but I am feeling very clear-headed and able to take inventory of this situation.

I know someone posted earlier today about denial, but I really feel that is behind me and I'm running like hell to get away from it. I know what I've done and rather than wollow in the negatives, I'm going to use those experiences as a catalyst to move forward.

I have been wanting to write this post for two days. Glad I got it out.

Hi Ethos and glad you are posting here.

Are you getting any support outside of SR? With family stuff going on it might also help.

You may be dead but you can be reborn:)

Hugs,

LaFemme

Yes, I am getting some much needed help elsehwere too.

Sorry about your relapse Ethos. I created most of my own stress too, I had to learn I can not control everything in my life and that I need to prioritize the things in my life I can control. I'm glad your back here posting, learn from your mistakes and get back at it.

I think knowing why you drank will help you make the necessary changes in order to get back to living alcohol free. In that aspect your well ahead of those that are totally clueless as to why they drink.

A little healthy remorse is good. It can add to your motivation to change unhealthy behaviors.

I was talking last night about how I can't control everything. I realized that I put the most focus into things that I couldn't change even if I was Donald Trump (sorry, I had to say that after the birth certificate thing yesterday). But honestly, I have 100% control over myself, but I put the least amount of energy into it.

I do realize why I drink, which is good. Now I need to take it a step further and create an action plan to fill in for the drinking.

That's an idea I had to put aside when I got sober. I thought I could not drink if I just willed myself strongly enough not to. I thought I had 100% control over myself.

But the facts said differently. The facts said I kept picking up a drink. The facts said that after a short time sober, I'd get restless, anxious, bored, agitated, or whatever, and I'd pick up a drink.

How delusional is that? There I was walking around convinced that I could control whether or not I drink, but demonstrating no control whatsoever. In fact, I was proving on a near continual basis that I had 0% control over it.

When I saw the truth of that delusion, I was able to accept help and take the necessary actions to recover.

Absolutely correct, Keith. I do not mean to give the perception that I have 100% control over myself when it comes to drinking. I mean that I have 100% control over getting help with it.

Ethos, Friend, thanks for sharing. To be sure, you took a step back. But, it's clear you have what it takes to win.

Not perfection, only progress.

Sorry to hear about your relapse, by posting on here it shows that you are not giving up. I know I have relapsed before and found it was important to get back up and keep on fighting this. I struggle with issues of control as well, it's defianlty hard.

Most everyone needs a couple of goes at it before we get it right. There is no formula for us all, it's a trial and error as far as I am concerned. I am a type A, over-achieving, control freak (at least when I am sober), applying the French concept of "c'est la vie" has helped me. It basically means "sh*t happens and there isn't anything I can do about it". If it's out of my hands, then no point in worrying about it. You'll get there, keep trying and keep posting.

I'm glad you're back ethos - I hope the things you've decided to add to what you've been doing will help make this the last time :)

D

For my part, the day I decided to be my own God was the unofficial first day of my alcoholism.

I sure hope this will be your time for lasting sobreity ...:yup:

I find this useful for emotional balance
..

Absolutely correct.

I focus on what I can't control and beat myself up when I fail at controlling it.

Sorry to hear about your relapse. What can you learn from it?

Hey Ethos - sounds like you're really facing some things right now, so I really commend you for that. Alcohol was eating away at my soul, too, and even though sobriety isn't a quick fix, it's a great beginning.

Good for you for coming back right away.:c011:

Sorry to hear of your struggles - I am pretty familiar with relapse myself and am still getting thru the frustration and wounded ego of my last binge. Control & stress had a lot to do with my drinking also - I often got going simply to feel some control over my feelings, thoughts, or the degree to which the world was affecting me, and, of course, the result could not have been more counter to the goal - I ended up blacked out, reckless and utterly out of control.

Acceptance is a difficult place to reach, but the only thing that I've found to effectively help with my controlling tendencies. I've wasted an enormous amount of time and energy trying desperately to change or manipulate things that were simply never in my court. I wound up worn out, bitter, and nearly always drunk. And I hadn't changed a thing. Letting go, particularly of the past, seems to be my key to staying sober, and it's something I've literally got to actively work at every waking moment these days.

Glad to hear that you are reapplying yourself and that you're using this relapse to propel yourself rather than sink yourself.

Stress caused me to drink as well! Glad you realize that you need to be back in recovery