sleepie

So I get these really stupid ideas in my head. Like that I can draw,or paint or do something that brings me just a tiny piece of happiness... And I have been working on a new series that I thought maybe I could have a party and sell all the paintings really cheap and buy something that I want really, really badly. It's called a harpsicle. It's a small, portable harp that I have researched and I'd really like one as I have always wanted to learn to play an instrument. Nothing ever really resonated with me though, until I found the harpsicle. And my roomie pointed out that I have no friends to invite to a party so that pretty much crushed that sorry little dream. He laughed and ridiculed me, like he always does. And I am being terrorized again by someone who has harmed me in the past and who is an abusive alcoholic. He even said in an e-mail "Quick- to the chat rooms!" because he knows this is one of the only sort of safe places for me. He scares me but I am afraid to take action, even though he has permanently scarred me and destroyed property in a rage before me. I am just afraid and alone, and I don't know what to do. And he is always telling me I am mental, and so trying to use that against me like he can never be wrong and it's all in my head? I am afraid. I have been hurt before and he scares me badly. in the past I have been used by people for jealousy and tossed away like trash. I think I am going to go away and hide, I am so afraid of the hate and the callousness and insults and being used. I even got used horribly by 2 people on this site who played games with me when I was vulnerable and I am just terrified of everything and can't trust anyone anymore. Nobody can understand. I shouldn't even say anything anymore.

Dee74

I hope you can find a way to move soon and leave this jerk behind sleepie.
He sounds nothing but toxic to me. His failings are no reflection on you tho.

Personally I think your latest art is great - and I really like the idea of the harpsicle too

D

OklaBH

Sleepie- I have been thinking about you a lot lately. You seem to have alot of tormentors in your life. The only advice i have is to get away from them. Get into your art big time. The harpsicle sounds cool to me and i would love to see a picture of it. As for the guy that has damaged your property and scares you...why not call the police? If you are truly afraid of this person...you need to protect yourself. Have you been to any AA meetings lately?

sleepie

I do have tormentors in my life. I don't get it. Maybe they see that I really don't get how to protect myself- maybe it's because it's engraved in my brain that I am worthless and deserving of little to no respect or regard for my feelings because of all the abuse I endured growing up. I don't know. But I think I will hide in my room and paint and continue to delete the emails from this individual. One day he's begging me to help him get sober and the next he's sending weird emails about what a horrible person he thinks I am- then he recommends a restaurant. Clearly he is insane. He has been drinking for maybe 30 years and is convinced that because he is athletic, he "sweats out the toxins"- and that this has saved him from the unhealthy effects of many years of drinking. It's delusional. It's definitely destroying his brain at the very least. At least I can look at him and think, "I don't want to end up like that". Things get a little overwhelming. Lately the violence in the neighborhood has increased, there have been shootings almost every day this week. Last night there was another right on my street. If I could just find a little peace for awhile, I could get on some stable ground. I've been riding rough waters for so long now. I got a new calendar yesterday and it provides me with a sense of renewal. I hung it on my wall and I can cross off every non drinking day as it closes. This has helped me in the past- to have a physical record in that way. To think, when I am tempted- of how I can cross off another day of success if I do not cave. It would be nice to be able to have my tea and quiet time at night without gun shots and sirens screaming though.