Hi, my name is Frustriert....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 86
Hi, my name is Frustriert....
Hi Everyone –
Finally registering to post and try and get involved.
I am an alcoholic with just about seven months of recovery. I have known that I am an alcoholic for many years. My father is a severe alcoholic (still in denial) and I was determined to not let it happen to me. So there is/was a lot of shame and inability to ask for help on my part. My second DUI was a blessing in disguise as it finally broke me down enough to the point where I could ask for help.
I have been going to AA for some time. I am grateful to AA and most of the people I have met in AA as I have been sober for longer now than I ever have been in my entire life. I have completed my steps, for the most part. I am still making amends as opportunity arises and I am working on being less selfish and more useful. I have enjoyed a little bit of marijuana during my period of sobriety but I’ve noticed that I now have a tendency to want to overdo it with that as well – I seem to be trying to make up for not drinking so I have decided that it is best for me to stay away from that.
I have recently gone to my first counseling session. It is required as a result of my DUI but also something that I have been anticipating eagerly for some time as it can only help.
I am somewhat of an AA skeptic at this point in my recovery. I’m not skeptical that it is useful – it certainly is. I am skeptical of some of the attitudes within AA. I have been getting pulled aside, repeatedly, during my home group lately and chastised for not volunteering, for standing in the shallow end of the AA pool, for not giving completely of myself to the AA program. I struggle with this. I work full time, have a wife and baby at home and go to grad school. I do occasionally like to have some “me” time as well. This is apparently unbelievably selfish of me and I just need to forget about that and give in to AA. My job, my wife, my son, school, my family and my friends – this all needs to be put aside to make room for my service to AA.
I recently spoke with my sponsor and ended our “official” relationship as well. Every time I spoke to him about an issue or asked him a question I would receive the response “Read the big book. Pray.”. I was never able to pull him into a more in depth discussion and I became frustrated with the rote answer I always received from him. I do have several other AA’s that I call on a pretty regular basis to talk things out with but haven’t yet reacquired an official sponsor.
It is a difficult position for me. I have issues (as most alcoholics do). I have no self confidence/esteem/worth/etc. I doubt myself all the time and am very socially awkward. I was on anti-depressants for a time while still drinking to battle hideous depression. Now that I am no longer pouring a depressant down my throat I have been able to give THAT up at least! Tie these traits into the general state of mind of a freshly recovering alcoholic and I have a lot of questions at this point. It is a very vulnerable time in life and you are very open to suggestion it seems.
AA says I am selfish and working a weak program so am bound to drink. All my thinking is incorrect, and I am just looking for the soft and easy way out. After hearing that enough you start to wonder if it is true. My therapist (and another friend of mine with 20+ years of sobriety who is also a drug/alcohol counselor) told me I need to stop worrying so much. It is an interesting perspective. She (my therapist) is taking me down a different path of recovery and is making me see a different side of recovery and AA.
So there is why I am here in a nutshell. Looking to read and learn all I can to see what else is out there. Here is to the journey.
Finally registering to post and try and get involved.
I am an alcoholic with just about seven months of recovery. I have known that I am an alcoholic for many years. My father is a severe alcoholic (still in denial) and I was determined to not let it happen to me. So there is/was a lot of shame and inability to ask for help on my part. My second DUI was a blessing in disguise as it finally broke me down enough to the point where I could ask for help.
I have been going to AA for some time. I am grateful to AA and most of the people I have met in AA as I have been sober for longer now than I ever have been in my entire life. I have completed my steps, for the most part. I am still making amends as opportunity arises and I am working on being less selfish and more useful. I have enjoyed a little bit of marijuana during my period of sobriety but I’ve noticed that I now have a tendency to want to overdo it with that as well – I seem to be trying to make up for not drinking so I have decided that it is best for me to stay away from that.
I have recently gone to my first counseling session. It is required as a result of my DUI but also something that I have been anticipating eagerly for some time as it can only help.
I am somewhat of an AA skeptic at this point in my recovery. I’m not skeptical that it is useful – it certainly is. I am skeptical of some of the attitudes within AA. I have been getting pulled aside, repeatedly, during my home group lately and chastised for not volunteering, for standing in the shallow end of the AA pool, for not giving completely of myself to the AA program. I struggle with this. I work full time, have a wife and baby at home and go to grad school. I do occasionally like to have some “me” time as well. This is apparently unbelievably selfish of me and I just need to forget about that and give in to AA. My job, my wife, my son, school, my family and my friends – this all needs to be put aside to make room for my service to AA.
I recently spoke with my sponsor and ended our “official” relationship as well. Every time I spoke to him about an issue or asked him a question I would receive the response “Read the big book. Pray.”. I was never able to pull him into a more in depth discussion and I became frustrated with the rote answer I always received from him. I do have several other AA’s that I call on a pretty regular basis to talk things out with but haven’t yet reacquired an official sponsor.
It is a difficult position for me. I have issues (as most alcoholics do). I have no self confidence/esteem/worth/etc. I doubt myself all the time and am very socially awkward. I was on anti-depressants for a time while still drinking to battle hideous depression. Now that I am no longer pouring a depressant down my throat I have been able to give THAT up at least! Tie these traits into the general state of mind of a freshly recovering alcoholic and I have a lot of questions at this point. It is a very vulnerable time in life and you are very open to suggestion it seems.
AA says I am selfish and working a weak program so am bound to drink. All my thinking is incorrect, and I am just looking for the soft and easy way out. After hearing that enough you start to wonder if it is true. My therapist (and another friend of mine with 20+ years of sobriety who is also a drug/alcohol counselor) told me I need to stop worrying so much. It is an interesting perspective. She (my therapist) is taking me down a different path of recovery and is making me see a different side of recovery and AA.
So there is why I am here in a nutshell. Looking to read and learn all I can to see what else is out there. Here is to the journey.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi and welcome to the forum!! Congratulations on your 7 months as well - that a huge accomplishment!
I went to AA for years and never had anyone try to force me to do service work. With your responsibilities and schedule, I think you're doing well just to get to meetings. There are people in AA who make it their life, but many of them don't have half the responsibilities you do.
I get my daily support from this forum and don't feel any need to attend AA at the moment. I know it's there, I have the BB and the tools, but coming here is what works for me right now.
After 7 months sobriety, you have a good idea about what works for you. Maybe you just need to feel better about yourself and learn to say "no" without guilt/fear. Counseling can help you in that department. I think you'll figure it out! Just glad you're here - it's a great place!
I went to AA for years and never had anyone try to force me to do service work. With your responsibilities and schedule, I think you're doing well just to get to meetings. There are people in AA who make it their life, but many of them don't have half the responsibilities you do.
I get my daily support from this forum and don't feel any need to attend AA at the moment. I know it's there, I have the BB and the tools, but coming here is what works for me right now.
After 7 months sobriety, you have a good idea about what works for you. Maybe you just need to feel better about yourself and learn to say "no" without guilt/fear. Counseling can help you in that department. I think you'll figure it out! Just glad you're here - it's a great place!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi and welcome to SR!
Congrats on 7 months as well...that's awesome!
All I can say is that here on SR there are many people working many types of programs and there are also many success stories.
Personally, I am 9+ months sober, after 5 years of trying to quit daily and never making it past a few days a couple times. I have accomplished that by participating in SR, going to a Life Coach (like a therapist but with a different focus) and reading self help books
I feel God played a role in getting me sober, since it seems like a miracle to me how I was finally able to quit. But I feel that my continued sobriety is up to me. Working on myself is the most important thing to staying sober and being a happy and healthy human being (which I wasn't when I drank).
Welcome again! Looking forward to seeing you around
LaFemme
Congrats on 7 months as well...that's awesome!
All I can say is that here on SR there are many people working many types of programs and there are also many success stories.
Personally, I am 9+ months sober, after 5 years of trying to quit daily and never making it past a few days a couple times. I have accomplished that by participating in SR, going to a Life Coach (like a therapist but with a different focus) and reading self help books
I feel God played a role in getting me sober, since it seems like a miracle to me how I was finally able to quit. But I feel that my continued sobriety is up to me. Working on myself is the most important thing to staying sober and being a happy and healthy human being (which I wasn't when I drank).
Welcome again! Looking forward to seeing you around
LaFemme
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Hi Frustri!
Welcome to SR. AA helped me get sober. It's a good program but it's hard to find a good sponsor. Have you looked at any other programs? You might check out them out and see if you find a better fit for you.
Love,
Lenina
Welcome to SR. AA helped me get sober. It's a good program but it's hard to find a good sponsor. Have you looked at any other programs? You might check out them out and see if you find a better fit for you.
Love,
Lenina
on 7 months sober. I aim to be like you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 86
You all have a really refreshing perspective. Thank you for sharing.
LaFemme - I know the frustration of trying to control it by yourself for years. I tried hard. I even tried Moderation Management for over a year. Repeated defeats really got me down.
Learning to say no without guilt is difficult for me, especially with a lot of people telling me I can't trust my own thinking. It is a difficult thing but my therapist (even though I've only talked to her for one session) has been just... a revelation in attitude. I'm really looking forward to more.
Other programs don't exist in my smaller town. It is AA or nothing. The place where I am going for therapy does have a weekly recovery group meeting that I went to last night for the first time and it seemed nice. Again, a fresh perspective.
LaFemme - I know the frustration of trying to control it by yourself for years. I tried hard. I even tried Moderation Management for over a year. Repeated defeats really got me down.
Learning to say no without guilt is difficult for me, especially with a lot of people telling me I can't trust my own thinking. It is a difficult thing but my therapist (even though I've only talked to her for one session) has been just... a revelation in attitude. I'm really looking forward to more.
Other programs don't exist in my smaller town. It is AA or nothing. The place where I am going for therapy does have a weekly recovery group meeting that I went to last night for the first time and it seemed nice. Again, a fresh perspective.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
Hi, Frustriert, and congratulations on your stint at staying sober and you're correct about other substances being a hindrance. It's been my experience that an addiction is an addiction is an addiction. A symptom of my condition. Today I live an addiction-free lifestyle, including those personalities that used to suck me in.
Keep this in mind: Not every need is a calling.
Personally, I have to do service work that is suitable to my recovery, not to someone elses. Example: I learned early on that my ego was tied directly to my service work, so if I was getting attention for it, I quickly attached that as approved service. It poisoned me and my recovery for quite a while, until I realized that humility isn't about service to others for my sponsor's sake, it's a God thing. Today, I have to make sure that when I am of service, or attempting to be, I don't get caught. That is, make sure the left hand doesn't see the right hand.
Most of the service, outside of sharing my ESH, is of the covert variety because I know that doing something for others without getting caught is the best thing I can do for my sobriety (and my walk) these days. Sure, I chair meetings, sponsor other men, act as treasurer, and outward service, but that's only since I became a bit more secure in my own recovery (and understanding of me).
My sponsor said, "It takes a year to learn how to get sober, and another to learn how to live sober." It's been my experience.
Be gentle. Not every need is a calling.
Keep this in mind: Not every need is a calling.
Personally, I have to do service work that is suitable to my recovery, not to someone elses. Example: I learned early on that my ego was tied directly to my service work, so if I was getting attention for it, I quickly attached that as approved service. It poisoned me and my recovery for quite a while, until I realized that humility isn't about service to others for my sponsor's sake, it's a God thing. Today, I have to make sure that when I am of service, or attempting to be, I don't get caught. That is, make sure the left hand doesn't see the right hand.
Most of the service, outside of sharing my ESH, is of the covert variety because I know that doing something for others without getting caught is the best thing I can do for my sobriety (and my walk) these days. Sure, I chair meetings, sponsor other men, act as treasurer, and outward service, but that's only since I became a bit more secure in my own recovery (and understanding of me).
My sponsor said, "It takes a year to learn how to get sober, and another to learn how to live sober." It's been my experience.
Be gentle. Not every need is a calling.
Ethanol Intolerant
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Cascadia
Posts: 665
Hi Frustriert, I am seven months sober too, and I also work a ‘weak’ AA program. I am completely devoted to changing myself to be comfortable with sobriety, but I recognize that AA is really good for some things, and has limitations in other areas.
Too work a program like this is a minefield, for a variety of reasons. One of which is the limited support in or out of the program. SR has been a good resource for me, hopefully you will find some of what you need here.
Too work a program like this is a minefield, for a variety of reasons. One of which is the limited support in or out of the program. SR has been a good resource for me, hopefully you will find some of what you need here.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR......
Excelent idea
All my best to you and your family
I seem to be trying to make up for not drinking so I have decided that it is best for me to stay away from that.
All my best to you and your family
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 86
Originally Posted by CarolD 
Excelent idea
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I thought the AA members were getting on your case
about useing Marijuana....and Yes...I would have been too.
It made me inert...and clouded my brain..thus positive
decisions did not come.
unlearning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: russia
Posts: 343
Originally Posted by Frustriert
Learning to say no without guilt is difficult for me, especially with a lot of people telling me I can't trust my own thinking.
If you can't trust your own thinking.... how can you trust your trust in them, the other people?
You are what is imporant in your recovery, "me" time is not selfish, we all need it.
From what you have related, I think you are on a good sensible path, even if you might be "disappointing" others.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Welcome Frustriert
Yep.
I demolished my life as completely on pot as I later did with alcohol...it took me a good many years to get to the nub of the problem.
Why I couldn't face reality sober.
There's a lot of different ways and approaches to get there.
You'll find a lot of ideas and support here
D
I have enjoyed a little bit of marijuana during my period of sobriety but I’ve noticed that I now have a tendency to want to overdo it with that as well – I seem to be trying to make up for not drinking so I have decided that it is best for me to stay away from that.
Yep.
I demolished my life as completely on pot as I later did with alcohol...it took me a good many years to get to the nub of the problem.
Why I couldn't face reality sober.
There's a lot of different ways and approaches to get there.
You'll find a lot of ideas and support here
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 86
Originally Posted by Dee74
I demolished my life as completely on pot as I later did with alcohol...it took me a good many years to get to the nub of the problem.
Why I couldn't face reality sober.
There's a lot of different ways and approaches to get there.
You'll find a lot of ideas and support here
D
It is something about me I really, really, really do not like. I feel like someone flipped the wrong switch when they were configuring me. Is it depression, childhood, the fact that I'm an adult child of an alcoholic.... I do not know. I am going to find out. Could very well be a spiritual deficiency. I am not going to deny anything.
I am unbelievably lucky that I have a strong and loving family that has caught me in my fall at this point. I am scared that I am not going to figure out what is wrong with me that drives me to get tweaked. What is twisted up inside of me that makes me like to get intoxicated?
Man, I'm liking this forum already. I would never feel comfortable talking like this to my AA group.
I am grateful for your ears, your attention and your concern. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
Man, I'm liking this forum already. I would never feel comfortable talking like this to my AA group.
Rigorous Honesty and all that it requires...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
Just my two cents -- I got the sense that you view AA service work as a drain on your time and an unfair demand by others. Service work is for YOU -- it helps you feel better about yourself, get to know people in the group, and stay sober. That's why you're being encouraged to do it.
Also, I had a similar problem with my first sponsor. I was her first sponsee and I think she just didn't have enough experience to know what to say. I switched to a new sponsor who is a much better fit, and it's helped my attitude and my program immensely.
Good luck and congrats on your sober time so far!
GG
Also, I had a similar problem with my first sponsor. I was her first sponsee and I think she just didn't have enough experience to know what to say. I switched to a new sponsor who is a much better fit, and it's helped my attitude and my program immensely.
Good luck and congrats on your sober time so far!
GG
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