Ainslie

I got through my birthday without drinking - it entered my mind of course but I quickly told the addictive voice to shut up.

Today I had 2 lots of really bad news and took a few benzos to take the edge off my sadness and anxiety, still im sitting here sobbing my heart out and really just want to go and drink red wine. Tomorrow I go away to an alcohol free zone so that is just adding to my justification of having a drink tonight.

Im such a mess, some days I feel like the strongest woman ive ever known, others I just obsess thinking about weed and alcohol.

LaFemme

Hugs Ainslie....I'm so sorry about whatever has made you so sad.

You are an incredibly strong woman and you've always been an inspiration to me. One thing I've learned this past year is that its ok not to be "strong"... We are human and vulnerable. Let yourself experience this sorrow. I know it sucks but it will suck so much worse if you ad poison to the mix.

Xoxo, Tina

billsaintjames

Hi Ainslie, you can do it. I'm struggling very badly with thoughts about weed right now as well, let's get through this.

Dee74

Happy Birthday Ainslie

I've faced some incredibly tough times since I got sober...and I got though them.

I'm not saying I'm a hero or that it's it's easy - but I believe it is possible to deal with a lot of things, face them, and not run away like I used to.

For me it's all about reaching out, getting as much support as you can, doing your best to find solutions to your problems, and re-iterating to yourself that nothings worth going back to where you've been.

Have you seen your Dr recently and told them about how you're feeling and whats going on?

D

Ainslie

Lafemme - I pride myself on being so strong - sometimes I feel my strength is all I have. Perhaps im more stubborn than strong.

Everytime I see my doctor im feeling fine. He's given me medication that no longer works, hence dosing up on benzos. I see him again in a couple of weeks.

Guess im just counting my troubles instead of my blessings. In 2.5 years of sobriety its the first time ive asked someone to come over and keep me company just so that I wont drink. He's gone now but being good friday eve, the bars close in 36 minutes so by the time I get to one they will have called 'last drinks' and I wont have time to get drunk anyhow. Lol.

LaFemme

I sometimes think that the strongest thing one can do is ask for help...it takes strength to be vulnerable...hmmm...I should remember that myself.

I'm glad the bars are soon closed for the night.

I find the gratitude section here on SR very helpful...any chance you can make a list of things you are grateful for? It might help.

Just a thought...xoxoxo

recycle

Ainslie, gosh I am sorry to hear you are struggling. Thank you for reaching out. You know that drinking is such a temporary relief with such negative consequences that it makes no sense - right? Counting blessings is a good start. Hopefully knowing that we care helps some too. Take care of yourself.

oak

Ainslie, I'm sorry it is hard and congrats on 2.5 years sober. And congrats on calling someone to keep you company. That can be hard to do and it took courage to ask for help. You are strong even when you don't feel that way.

I know it is scary to think about drinking so much after years of sobriety. You are not a mess. Life just gets messy. It will get easier. Keep reaching out for help.

Lenina

Ainsley,

I hope today is better for you. Congrats on your 2.5 years! And, I often think people in recovery are a bit heroic. Some days do require a little more zen, I think.

Do you have some support near? Just take today an hour at a time, a minute at time if you need to. And stay close to SR.

Love,

Lenina

MNGirlyGirl

Nothing worse than "slick" whispering in my ear and telling me why I can use again. I hope you can find something to take your mind off of drinking. Just remember to "play the whole tape through". Think about being hungover tomorrow and how nothing has been gained from drinking. If you justify it this one time, then you will again and again. Prayers going out to you.

Dee74

why wait two weeks and until you're feeling fine to see the Dr Ains?
If the meds aren't working go see them ASAP...

I know everythings shut til wednesday and by then it's only a week and a half til your appointment...but this is for your welfare Ainslie.

If you're self medicating on the benzos, especially to take the edge off, that's really risky - it's one of the slipperiest slopes there is.

D

Ainslie

The meds worked only for a short period of time - like pretty much everything ive ever been prescribed, so really its nothing new. I have been taking too many benzos the last 2 weeks but am sure that once I get to work today that I will be able to taper down. (I work long hours on a minesite) If I saw a doctor today (some are open) theyd just want me to go on an antidepressant. Thats not what I want or need.

I have never felt such a strong compulsion to drink as I did last night. Even sitting in bars with people drinking my favourite wine, at NYE parties, christmas, its weird.

Thanks for the responses

Dee74

Well you're handling things differently than I would Ainslie, but that's your prerogative.
Have a good Easter, mate

D

JohnBarleycorn

Careful with the Benzodiazepines.

They are cross-tolerant with alcohol, meaning that one can be used to counter the withdrawal symptoms of the other.

Being cross-tolerant with alcohol, for many people who where previously addicted to alcohol, they can cause a physiological craving for it.

LaFemme

I wish there was more I could do then send positive thoughts your way.

Sending you love and positive thoughts.

NYCDoglvr

Congratulations on having 2.5 years of sobriety! It's a huge accomplishment for an alcoholic.

The next time you really want to drink I suggest reeling your mind into the present. You just don't drink TODAY. That's it! This has gotten me through years of pain, fear, anxiety.

As someone pointed out, Benzodiazepines are addictive. They are simply another drug, the same that alcohol, marijuana are drugs. If I started taking them I wouldn't be able to stop and these are a thousand times more difficult to kick than booze.

recoverywfaith

In treatment the counselor asked if I relapsed when I drank or when I took prescription xanax/valium...which was taken two weeks before the drink. My answer was when I drank...she told me I was a chronic alkie...who me? The truth to that question is the relapsed occured in the mind, then the xanax, then the alcohol. Stop the thought process and don't take that first drink and/or drug. So sorry for your pain...know you are in my prayers.

MsCooterBrown

Ainslie..Happy Birthday! I am sorry you are struggling..I am hoping that tomorrow will be a new day..sometimes new days bring on brighter outlooks! Hugs to you..

newby1961

This may come across harsh but I have to be honest as this is a deadly disease. If I was popping benzo's of course I would want to drink because my mind is altered. I would not be in recovery now if I was taking something according to how and what amount the Dr says then that is different.

I can't have the attitude that I need something to take the edge off that is using behavior no matter how you try and dress it up.

Thanks Dee for your honesty cause I was reading and I was shocked that no one was saying anything.

I had to pray for a long time to be willing to be sober I tried the benzo's, the weed maintance, and then over the counter stuff. I had to get to the point where I either wanted this thing or I didn't?

Prayer works

DayWalker

Ainslie...I will tell you right now from experience (I relapsed about 10 days ago). Your not missing ANYTHING.

Sounds like from your last post your doing better, but if/when ya get back to thinking about how things were and wanting to drink, take my word for it..it's still BAD.

Hang in there. Call a friend, come on here, whatever ya have to do, just don't go back out there, because I just did, and trust me it's still dark scary and sad/lonely place.

Steve