simplyfab

I don't know why, but I feel like I'm losing the battle w/ alcohol even though I'm not drinking and have no desire to.
I don't know why I feel this way.
I thought I had a handle on things, but I don't, and what bothers me is that I'm almost six months clean but don't feel like I've changed much.
The anxiety attacks at night are the worst and they're becoming more frequent. My mind is all over the place. I've been going around like my life is starting to come together and make sense, but in reality, its not.
All I wanna do is lay in bed, and things like re-newing my car tags or a doctors appt or going to my son's school for something overwhelm me and I find myself having to talk myself into doing them, or making excuses why I don't want to.
I'm still so emotional and cry for the littlest things or my mood changes for no reason.
It's like I'm still a drunk w/out the drink!
That thought itself makes me want to cry...
Alot of my feelings and emotions I don't express because I don't want to sound like a drag and I feel I shouldn't be feeling like this. Always thinking its gonna pass, so I put on my happy face for everyone as well as myself.
Is this normal? Is this something that's gonna pass?
Should I still be feeling like this even while Im almost half a yr clean?
Or is this what is called a dry drunk?
I'm seriously so confused and my mind is going crazy.
I feel like my body's going 7mph while my mind is going 98!

Right now...I don't feel like Im in recovery. Just not drinking, and I don't know why..

MrDavid

No you’re not...A drunk still drinks to quell the emotional tides of life, but you haven't. You still have all the problems of a sober person without the alcohol of course. It is called living life on life's terms, so don't be afraid of making some difficult decisions. We call it 'spiritual growth'...for those who still cling to the idea that alcohol is a solution.

When I go through the roller coaster ride of emotional turmoil, from time to time, I set down with a pen and paper and write down 'how I'm feeling' and 'why'. If I’m angry, I'll write on one side of the paper 'what I'm angry about' and on the other side 'why am I so angry'. This not only alleviates the suffering but also points me in the right direction to a probable cure. It usual points out the real reason why I’m angry and what can be done to stop the emotional slide before it gets out of control. You can do the same for other emotional hiccups, which can help bring anyone that much closer to the 'whys' of our suffering and how we can turn the tides in our favor -one day at a time.

~God bless~

totfit

Have you seen a Doctor and told him/her what's going on? Are you exercising and eating right? Do you smoke? Do you overuse caffeine? What steps have you taken to get over these feelings?

For me drinking really masked a lot of other issues. I thought my problem was ONLY drinking. I was wrong. Don't let these feelings if not symptoms let your mind lead you back to drinking. Take the next steps and get better. It really is worth it. You really are worth it.

Sugah

simplyfab, what you describe sounds like untreated alcoholism to me. What have you done to change besides putting down the drink? When I thought of alcohol as the problem--if I just quit drinking, everything will be okay--I felt much like you. When I began to see that alcohol was a symptom of the problem--that I was the problem--and took action to address the real problem, I got better.

AA worked for me.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Fandy

Sober is SOBER....and you should be very proud of your six months.

but your feelings are very real and debilitating....it sounds like you may be suffering from a type of depression....,if the regular mood regulators like eating right, vitamins and exercise are not helping you, please tell your doctor and get a referral to someone who can help you pinpoint what is causing you to feel so blue.

for me, i try to practice the "attitude of gratitude" and KNOW my life was so much worse when i was drinking....for me, posting my gratitude in that area of the forum is one of the things I do daily....(along with exercise which really helps my moods)

I despise that name "dry drunk"....please don't put a label on yourself that will make you feel worse.

Dee74

Hey Fab

I'd thought my only problem was my drinking, but just not drinking was just the start of things for me.

It was like the tide went out, exposing the many layers of debris I'd tried to cover for 20 years.

I had to start sorting through the debris.

If you haven't made any other changes to your life I think that's worth looking at

There may be another component too - it may be depression as Fandy suggests...I'm not a Dr, but this PAWs link also has a lot of tips about how to get out the doldrums, and may be helpful to you.

PAWS « Digital Dharma

D

ronf

Hey Fab, Congrats on your sober time, it's a bit of a bugger some days isn't it. "When the pain to change becomes less than the pain to stay the same, we change" I've always loved that one because it acknowledges there is pain both ways. I know it doesn't FEEL like it right now, but this shows ME your getting better ! Scars always itch when they heel I struggled the same as you. I found my answers in AA, maybe you'll find them elsewhere. Right now your emotions are forcing you to look for the answers and you started by asking the questions here ! Sooo, your on the right track and didn't even know it

Hang in there and read my sig line, Ron

Veritas1

This sounds like unmanageability to me. Drunk or sober...unmanageability.

I never thought my life could be umanageable sober. I thought that was past tense. I thought it only pertained to alcohol.

I have learned that this is not the case.

I feel unmanageable even when not drinking.

I have learned recently that it is part of my spiritual malady. A state of consciousness that exists due to untreated alcoholism.

I have much work to do.

The good news is that we can get from this place to something better.

The program of AA has a plan to get from where you are at, to the promises of recovery.

Join me...

If you don't have the book Alcoholics Anonymous, you can read it online.

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

See if you can find how you are feeling in the book.

We Agnostics, P. 52, 2nd paragraph, 4th edition...or read this one paragraph from the book and see if it rings true for you.

"We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people."

I learned that we used to treat this state of consciousness with drinking.

I was at a meeting last night and a man with 15 years shared about how he had to drink again over this state of mind.

Do we believe that God can take us from this malady to something else?

I think this is about me and my need for this power.

keithj

Simplyfab,

Usually, I was one of those guys that made the promise to not drink that day, and I'd be drunk by 2 in the afternoon. I did that for years. But I did have a handful of semi-serious attempts at not drinking, that would last for a few months at a shot.

Always, and I mean always, the initial thrill of not drinking would wear off, life would get flat, and I'd once again fall prey to that anxiety, fear, and restlessness. I couldn't focus, I couldn't get things done, just facing the day seemed impossible. My life was unmanageable even when I wasn't drinking.

I ended up going back to drinking every time. When faced with the futility of what I was doing over and over, I surrendered to it, gave up fighting, and worked AA's 12 Steps with some abandonment. Things changed. A new world view came into being, and I saw it with new eyes.

It's never been the same since, and I've never fallen back into that darkness. I stay locked into the actions I was taught, and I experience life largely without that fear and anxiety. I've seen it work for everyone that has done it.

SomethingBetter

i know things at home for me are a lot better but at work things are crazy, i really felt like crying yesterday and man i dont cry i am a man whats wrong with me?

i realize i have to make changes at work, ive taken on way too much and i covered up the stress by drinking and know i cant deal with it.

i dont know exactly what your goin hrough simplyfab but the others are right, i like what Dee said aboutnthe tidle wave, its true for me, i thought hat drinking was my only problem but thats way off, althou it was my bigest one.

artsoul

Hi sfab - You're almost to a major milestone (congratulations!) - keep in mind that for some reason a lot of us have trouble around those times.

I'd encourage you to see someone like a psychiatrist who can assess you for depression or any other issues you might have. You don't have to suffer. We all have bad days in recovery, but if your issues are ongoing there may be something else going on.

I'm all for recovery programs like AA, but I think more people would be able to stay sober if mental health issues were taken more seriously. I'm sending prayers and hugs......

TwelveSteps

Congrats on six months!

I, too, suffer from anxiety, insomnia, and panic attacks. I get frustrated when I talk about these things in meetings and am often told something like, "Oh yeah I had panic attacks too, those will go away after you have more clean time." While alcoholism made these things worse, I was diagnosed with a panic disorder long before I started drinking (and it's a big part of the reason why I started drinking heavily). There's no reason for me to think it will magically go away because I stopped drinking (it's been about a year).

PLEASE talk to your doctor and preferably, see a psychiatrist with experience in addiction medicine. It will be worth it, even if you have to pay out of pocket. There is medication that has really helped me (and is non-narcotic, non-addictive, etc.).

Additional things I do to manage my anxiety/panic that help:
- Work out every day, including at least 30 minutes of hard cardio
- Use a GoLite light therapy device in the winter
- Don't use caffeine except for sometimes a half-cup of coffee first thing in the AM
- Try to meditate, although I don't usually do a good job of it
- Recognize when I am future-tripping and try to focus on one day at a time
- Have a "real" conversation with someone else every day about how I'm feeling, whether it's at a meeting or calling someone on the phone
- Speak out loud to myself about how I am feeling (seems stupid but it works for me)

Good luck!

GG

Fandy

i like your phrase "future-tripping"...i am guilty of this too at times.

(and there is better exercise than jumping to conclusions).

i don't talk to myself, but I have regular lengthy conversations with my dog and cats...they never argue either.

LaFemme

((((Simplyfab))))) and congrats on your sober time! 6 months is a great accomplishment, and the fact that you have stayed sober during 6 months of anxiety and depression is actually really impressive to me...I know I couldn't have done it.

The reason I stay sober, is because I have been working hard at changing my life and how I deal with life. For me this involves working with a Life Coach, reading and SR.

10 months ago I could have written your post verbatim, but I was still drinking then. When I got sober I somehow knew I had to change everything and do the personal growth work that I had been hiding from.

Get some help, talk to a counselor or therapist, try AA or one of the other programs. Sobriety should be a joy, not a burden.

xoxo, LaFemme.

JTele

I couldn't agree with this more! While I believe that AA most certainly helps many people, I also know of a few folks that have completed the 12 step program only to find themselves relapsing once again, even after being sober for many years. One friend in particular did just this only to find later that he had ADD (attention deficit disorder), and he's most likely had it all of his life without ever having it diagnosed until recently. As a result of his disorder -even when sober for many months - he struggled with very simple and basic tasks. It often times overwhelmed him to the point where he became depressed as well as developing anxiety issues. Of course, this is only one of the many possible disorders some people may have, but my point is that some issues can go on undetected forever unless they've been properly diagnosed and treated accordingly, and they may not be related to alcoholism in any way whatsoever.

GettingStronger2

Pretty much I agree what the others have said. Alcohol is but a symptom for us. We used it for lots of reasons, but one was a coping mechanism for life and what life throws at us -- good and bad. When you take the alcohol away, life is still there. We need to learn new ways of handling it. If all you do is quit drinking, you are not dealing. Most people who do that, will end up drinking again, as it is the only thing they really know.

For me, AA has worked. I have given myself to the program, and gotten into action and have had my life changed. I do not need to drink. I have learned how to handle life, with all its ups and downs. and i am still learning and growing every day.

Not everyone uses AA who can stay sober. But like LaFemme and Dee said, they do work on themselves and learn how to change and handle life without alcohol.

Sobriety can be a blast. You can be happy and productive and fulfilled. But you have to do more than take the alcohol away. I would encourage you to find what works for you, and start working. You can stay sober.


And congrats on the almost half a year! That is no minor accomplishment, and you should be proud of yourself!

simplyfab

Thank you all for your responses, advice and much needed encouragement!
It's weird, but I knew I needed to get some sort of therapy (used to go about 5 yrs ago) but I wanted so bad to just be ok. I wanted so bad to just pick up the pieces and move foward w/ my family.
I wanted the hurt I caused my family to go away that I almost felt that working on me and not putting 100% into putting my family back together, was selfish of me. Like, its still ALL about me and once again, Im holding us back.
I wanted to put that part of me so far behind and not deal w/ what made me drink that I was running, emotionally.
Dealing w/ them to me just meant that I wasn't better and the only thing different was that I didn't have a drink in my hand.
I think I wanted my "happy face" to be so real that I was making myself believe it was.
Sorry if I'm rambling. I've just been doing alot of major thinking today as well as writing down my feelings (thanks for that advice MrDavid! )

I guess the good news in all of this is I have absolutely no desire to drink! I have had some really bad nights (less than a handful) where the urge scared me but on a day to day basis, I don't even miss it. Not even the "goodtimes" I had w/ friends. Reminiscing w/ them is fun, but I've totally accepted that alcohol is no longer a part of my life. (Never in a million yrs did I think I'd ever get to this point!) THAT feels AWESOME!!

To answer some of your questions..
I used to exercise alot in the beginning of my sobriety. I joined a bootcamp program that would kick my butt, but felt so good.
Then, money became an issue and couldn't afford it anymore.
The SO and I did purchase bicylcles, so I've been doing a little of that when I can. I don't smoke or drink coffee.
I too was diagnosed w/ panic disorder yrs ago, but never took the medication. I didn't like the way they made me feel.

((Fandy))
I do believe I suffer from some sort of depression. I've felt like it for some time now, but never said it out loud. I guess I just wanted to REALLY believe that alcohol was the problem and w/out it, I'd magically be ok.
But its ALL coming up to the surface and not dealing w/ 'em is not longer an option.
SO..I called my health care provider and made an appointment to be assessed by a psychotherapist (that word sounds scary!). From there, they'll guide me to what they feel would best suit my issues.

((Veristas))
I do have an AA book and have read the whole thing cover to cover. I like how I can relate to most of it and that its on paper. Those, "yes, that's exactly how I feel" moments are what got me through the first couple of days of sobriety.
I'm not really into AA though. I've tried it only when drunk, so I'm not gonna rule it out just yet and go to a meeting on Sat. Its a womens group.

So thats my update friends...
Brushing my issues under the rug caught up to me and its time I do something about them. Thank you again for your advice and suggestions. Please feel free to suggest anything else...

((Ronf))
I LOVE what you said..."Scars always itch when they heal"
This is me, scratching....

Boleo

Welcome to the ISM part of alcohol-ISM. When I drank I suffered from alcohol-issues. When I didn't drink I suffered from alcohol-ISM. The further away from my last drink I got the more restless, irritable and discontented I felt.

Abstinence is not-drinking and feeling bad about it. Recovery is not drinking and feeling good about it. What it took for me to feel good about not-drinking was a new way to bring peace of mind, joy and sense of purpose into my life without using any substances.

How you ask? See my signature below...

simplyfab

The "not drinking" isn't actually an issue for me. I don't feel bad about it at all.
If anything, it's the one thing that I'm most proud of. I'm ok with being drink free from now on. I'm still amazed, and get so elated at how ok I am w/ it. Especially when I'm out w/ friends.
I guess I just have to get to the root of WHY I was drinking the way I was and deal w/ whatever issues I was trying to numb w/ alcohol.

Restlessness, irritability and feelings of disconnection are definitely some of the emotions I'm feeling.

LaFemme

Great news! It sounds like you've made some pro active decisions and realizations to deal with stuff.

Congratulations...I happy for you