IMHomerSimpson

My mind wont stop thinking of everything that went on last nite.I was so drunk,staggering and swaying,but I remember 99% of everything.I wish I blacked out so I wouldnt keep thinking about my episode.I loved the 1st restaurant I got ejected from but there is no way I can go back there.I realized today when I went out for a smoke last nite I stood right in front of the lounge window where everyone could see me staggering,stumbling until I finally sat down on a bench.What a f-ing a-hole I must of looked like.One spectator there was my neighbor.I wish I could turn back time so bad right now.At my nephews birthday party tonite my wife told the story to everyone,aunts,uncles,brothers,parents,grandparent s.She said I deserved it but I was embarrassed and hurt by that.Funny part is noone asked about my drinking problem.Occasionly my parents tell me to cut down and my wife tells me all the time.Is it that their blind to alcoholism or just want to mind their buisness.If I was on the other end I know I would say something to my family member thats been killing himself slowly for years.Its been no secret,I get kinda drunk at every family function.Luckily last nite there were few women around me because if I got hit on I probably would have cheated on my wife(and Im not a cheater).This whole thing is tearing me up!!

Jennifer78

Stop beating yourself up. It's not going to do any good to rehash the whole thing over and over. Have you told your wife that you're quitting? Telling her and getting it out in the open may help you some. I know it has helped me. When you voice your plans to someone else (especially a spouse), then chances are that that person will try to help you. Hang in there!

Chy

Hey Patrick!

Tomorrow will be better! Now what would you do if they did say something to you? Probably nothing right? Your wife does not show compassion and understanding because she is probably tired of the same conversation with you... again what good would it do.
Unfortunatly our disesase is on the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to people understanding what it's all about. They think we should have the will power to quit on our own, and drink responsibly. We can't. But we can get help as one thing all agree on you can't do this alone. Find a means of support that works for you be it AA, Smart, Church, Counseling.. something to help you get a grasp on it.

So you were the topic of discussion for the weekend.. maybe it's your wake up call.

Tomorrow is another day to try again.

Anna

Homer, I think that guilt and shame are part of this awful disease of alcoholism. For me it was a huge obstacle. I know it's hard, but try to focus on getting better, on moving ahead slowly and steadily. I know about the continuous replay thing - after 3 sober years it still plays in my head sometimes. I think it's only good to think about it in the context that you hated what happened and you intend to change. Then, try to put it aside.

Hugs and love,
Anna

CarolD

Hi Patrick...

Ok..you feel rotten because you were drunken jerk. I sure remember that feling. YUK!! :o

But...this can be the last time you ever feel his way.

You can find sobriety...it`s not easy but you do not have to do it alone. A support system is vital...I use AA.

Helz

Hey Patrick

I can so relate. The mornings when you wake up and try to remember what has gone on the night before, the mental list of who needs an apology, the remorse, the guilt, the embarrassment, not to mention the headache. Oh, I know it all too well.

One day something really bad might happen, you might cheat on your wife, you might drive drunk and kill someone, you might stumble out in front of a car and kill yourself. They are some of the things that I was so worried about, all the what ifs. When we drink and get so out of control anything could happen and usually does.

You can do this! I'm just learning to get sober too and just in the past three weeks of not having to wake up feeling that bad anymore and that guilty, well I can feel it is the start of more good things to come.

Good luck
Helen
xoxoxoxoxox

californiacarla

Homer, Patrick...

I have read your posts before. You really must decide if this is bottom. It sounds like last night was really bad. Perhaps there is a reason you didn't black out. A wake up call maybe...

And Chy is right, if the wife isn't understanding it could be because she's tired of hearing the words and living the behavior.

I know I got so sick of my A that I started making fun, humiliating him, telling stories of his stupid drunken behavior. It was only in hopes he'd wake up and smell the coffee... It didn't work, but what did happen is I smelled the coffee...

Me was just a drunk as he, just didn't drink as much or do as embarressing things as he did.. or he was already passed out and unaware if I did!! (nice save??)

Anyway. I wish you luck and strength.

MARCH05

Dear Patrick,

Your post brings me close to tears. I've been there and I remember it well. In a few days, you'll start to rationalize the incidents. In a few weeks, you'll have forgotten them or convinced yourself that they really weren't that bad, after all.

Please, get help now. Real help: a rehab, AA, whatever. Your wife and family are not going to get you sober. You, by yourself, cannot do it.

I'm praying for you,
Susan

Patsyd1

"Is it that their blind to alcoholism or just want to mind their buisness."

Hi Homer,

Where has any of the occasional mentions of your drinking gotten your family so far?

Homer, its not their blindness to our alcoholism thats the problem, its our own blindness.

I know for myself that no matter what my family said to me about my drinking, I would just use it as an excuse to drink again!!!

I would suggest that you do something different, because what you are doing now, simply isn't working.

Have you gone to an AA meeting? Now that would be something different.

Love,
Patsy

Jayhay

Hi Patrick,

This was a quote that stuck in my head for a long time:


"You can't turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again."

- Bonnie Prudden

For a long time I wished that things just weren't the way the were, or that I didn't react to alcohol the way I did. But, that is just not reality.

You can get better if *you* want to. You may need assistance from a counselor/psych/recovery program, but no one is going to make you recover. Only you can make you recover. My point is that you shouldn't worry about whether or not your wife is understanding, or whether your extended family recognizes it or is blind to it, or why they don't say much about it. The fact is that *you* want to recover, and the only thing that matters is that *you* understand you have a problem. Don't let anyone else's non-chalance (sp?) about your drinking change your mind.

I did that for a long long time. I knew I had a problem for a long time, and nobody else noticed it, or the extent of it. I rationalized that if no one knows, I must not have a problem. My husband still doesn't think that I have a big drinking problem, and doesn't understand it completely. But, I know that *I* have a problem with it and it is about ME!

So, no, you can't turn back time, but you can start over and regain your life. Go do it!

Jayhay

IMHomerSimpson

hi again. I feel better today than yesterday but the shame is still with me . Ive been at this point so many times before in my life.As someone said I will forget more and more as time goes by and I know what happens after that.My wife is still here but shes no idiot(professional career woman).I know if I keep living this way things are not going to be very good for me.First,we are opposites in many ways,Im "blue collar" construction,shes skirt/insurance agent.We have our problems like evryone else but with the added "big mouth,obnoxious drunk husband.I dont want to lose my family life over beer and weed.I have some really good qualities that get overlooked because I drink so much/often.I did go to an aerosmith concert on friday and stayed sober(slapped hands with steven tyler ).Only thing is I made up for it the next day with drinkin from 11am-2am.I was really wound up saturday morning from being in so much physical contact with aerosmith that I started drinking to relax and the rest was history.I sometimes drink when Im anxious but mostly out of boredom and habit.I am not going to drink alcohol.I really enjoy being sober but I somehow go back to the "could feel better with booze thing".I cant promise Ill never drink again but I will try harder this time to make some serious lifestyle changes.I can do it!!!