Still letting go, still scared.....
 

Man, this is turning out to be quite a process, this sobriety thing! What started me thinking was reading what Zini wrote this morning:
I got pretty used to my way of living too - the psuedo-functional, secretive "wino-mom." I did all the usual stuff, the outer stuff (work, pay bills, etc.) but without any energy or soul.

It was miserable, but it was also predictable. It gave me a focus. Even early sobriety was all about alcohol.... getting through the cravings, doing things sober, the first weekend, the first holiday.......

Now after 11 months, I'm realizing that Sobriety 101 is just the beginning. I've been thinking about my addiction to nicotine - 40 frickin years of smoking..... and quitting that is even scarier than alcohol for me. I wonder if lung cancer is any easier to die from than liver disease......:c021:I'd also like to go back to studying a Course in Miracles, but that's really scary too, a letting go of all the ego stuff........ yikes.

So, I'm just wondering if anyone out there has had thoughts like this. I feel solid in my sobriety, but don't know if I can handle the rest of the onion......:react

You can handle it, artsoul. I'm so proud of how you've been doing in sobriety. It all comes from down inside. You found within yourself the courage and determination to fight for your very life. Quitting anything that we find comfort in (even if it is false comfort) is scary business. You have proven that you can do it regarding alcohol, and I have every faith that you can do it with cigarettes or anything else you truly set your mind to. :grouphug:

P.S. to add: Yes, I think you should go back to studying A Course in Miracles. I have the book but haven't really delved into it. My brother swears by it and even teaches a course in it. His life has done a 180 since he found it.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Suki..... that means a lot. I know it's all about facing fear...... the Course talks about how it looks like a brick wall, but it actually just a wisp of smoke........

I don't know how I could have come as far as I have without the support here. Thanks again!

p.s. that's so cool that your brother is really into it..... I don't talk to many people who are even familiar with it. It's pretty intense.....

My comparison to peeling onions ...I didn't realize I was codependent until I got sober. wtf..
AND I too battle the smokes. Makes me insane. I have an rx for Chantix but I am just not up to hurling myself out the window. I googled it and suicidal thoughts are one of the side effects...helluva way to quit!!!!!!
You are a strong woman Art..your posts are always positive and helpful..supportive..I think you will ace whatever you want in flying colors!! Hang in there lady..

Thanks Ms!! haha! yeah, I guess jumping to your death is one way to quit! My son stopped by using it though. I actually have it..... had it for a couple years, nicely hidden away in a drawer.....:rolleyes2

A Course in Miracles is great. You should definitely do that. I can imagine it would help a great deal with recovery.

(((((Artsoul)))))

When I reached a year, I took my cake(s) at my regular meetings. Everybody congratulated me, oh it felt so good.

Then my sponsor said to me, glad you have made your first year, now THE REAL WORK STARTS! Oh seesh ...................... but she was correct.

I have tried over the years of my sobriety to quit smoking and have not accomplished it totally yet. The longest was for 3 years.

I did try Chantix, not only did I start getting 'strange' dreams, not nightmares, that did turn into nightmares the longer I was on it, but my whole demeanor, mood swings, me changed. Then I started getting homicidal/suicidal (wanting someone else to kill me) like I was when drinking many years ago, my dear friend Lora2272 was living with me at the time and said I was really starting to scare her, and as I respect her opinion and sobriety so much, I said that's it, NO MORE. Got off of it as fast as I could, but the affects lasted for almost another month. In my book that is 'NASTY' stuff.

i so understand your wanting to quit, but please think twice and then 3 times about the Chantix. J M H O

Back to your other topic, I do believe that once we hit that 11 month/ 1 year mark the real work does start ...................... we know by then that we can stay sober and live sober but still do not like some or many things about ourselves.

So just like One Day At A Time, we work on the 'changes' One Step At A Time. I think your wanting to go back to a Course On Miracles is an EXCELLENT choice to continue your journey. It will help you to look at yourself differently as well as those around you, especially your children. It will help you to be a better mom than you already are.

You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

I can relate Artsoul. I recently told a new coworker entering the job through a rehab program that it doesn't go away and you just need to learn to manage it. That it will be a chronic lifelong thing to manage but it's how you manage it that makes you beat it. Don't let it beat you, put it in the coffers of your mind and bury it, don't let it out. The longer it remains buried the less likely it is to surface. Just never let your guard down and always remember you are one slip away from a relapse. Bury it and leave it there like an old bone that the dog forgot.

Regarding smoking, you might be surprised at how the mind forgets this habit more easily. The first three months of my quitting smoking where nail biters but after that the cloud suddenly lifted and never returned. I think the drinker will always be in the back of mind but the smoker in me left a long time ago.

I've followed your progress too Artsoul :)

I don't think there's much of anything you can't handle...you're doing great....

it's just that first step and the what ifs...but I agree with ACM on that...
once you make the leap...rock walls become wisps of smoke... :)

D

Artsoul, you're doing great!

I've found that the new layers, waiting to be peeled away, appear when I'm ready and not before. Recovery is an ongoing journey and now, at this time, you are ready for another step forward. Good for you. And, I LOVED 'A Course in Miracles'!

Mega :hug:

Letting go of old style you ...then explore the thrill of of discovering the new you...:yup:

[QUOTE=laurie6781;2938084I did try Chantix, not only did I start getting 'strange' dreams, not nightmares, that did turn into nightmares the longer I was on it, but my whole demeanor, mood swings, me changed. Then I started getting homicidal/suicidal (wanting someone else to kill me) like I was when drinking many years ago, my dear friend Lora2272 was living with me at the time and said I was really starting to scare her, and as I respect her opinion and sobriety so much, I said that's it, NO MORE. Got off of it as fast as I could, but the affects lasted for almost another month. In my book that is 'NASTY' stuff.

[/QUOTE]
I had a friend attempt suicide while taking Chantix. The side effects clearly list suicidal thoughts as one. As as a result, I never tried it.
I quit smoking fr 4 years using nicotine gum. I did not use as directed and continued chewing the gum for 4 years. I went back to smoking and have been off and on for the last 8 months again. The gum helped me when I didn't WANT to smoke. One day, I'll try the patch which supposedy reduces the nicotine gradually.

Just wanted to say that you have been an inspiration to me artsoul. I have found so much wisdom, kindness and sincerity in your posts. I have total faith in you. Good luck and thanks!

thanks to all of you - I feel all warm and fuzzy knowing you all are there. I don't think I even knew how much I needed some extra support until I posted!

and wow.... didn't know we had so many ACM fans! I read the book around 1983 and it was like an electrical zap to my soul. It consumed me for years, but then I had to step away because applying it is SO difficult and mind-boggling. So I'd forget about it, just go on my way and would find myself drinking. This cycle has repeated itself a couple times - so although it's my path, I also know it can really get to me.

With the smoking, it's not so much the physical part as the mental/emotional part and that fact that I've always found it hard to sit still and especially to paint without it. If I'm up exercising or busy physically, I do better. I quit for 8 months - infact I didn't drink OR smoke for 8 months (several years ago) and was at a party........ and wanted just one glass of wine and one smoke.......just for fun you know........ and well, I'm sure you know the rest of the story.

Again, thanks for your input - it helps so much to talk with people who know EXACTLY what I'm sayin' - I can hear the spirit through your words. xoxoxo

artsoul, I was so happy to see a thread by you. I always love your posts.

I agree that it is a new level of difficulty/complications/opportunity/etc when you feel more stable in sobriety and start to deal with other aspects of living. Isn't it great to be alive!?

I hope it keeps getting better. (you can peel an onion one layer at a time. it does not have to be done all at once.)

Yes, oak, it is..... it really is. I wish every alcoholic out there could feel the way many of us feel now. Thanks so much for your post.

I have to get some sleep, but can't wait to get up tomorrow and read everyone's posts again.:c031: Sweet (non-drinking) dreams everyone!:You_Rock_

Re:Still letting go, still scared.....
 

Amen...enough said

Hey artsoul!

First, I want to say you are an inspiration to me as a person and an artist and also As someone who is sober. I was actually surprised to see this topic from you:)

I hear great tbhings about ACM, so I think applying it is a great idea.

So doing all the other work...I haved been workiing with a life coach since I got sober figuring out all this 6stuff...its actually really liberating. I had to figure out what was holding me back and where all the self hatred came from in order for me to stay sober. At the end of the day you can make the process as easy or as difficult as you want. What I had built up in my mind as a trek across the Himalayas turned out to be a walk across town. But I had the benefit of working with a life coach who was incredibly in tune with me due to our similarity in backgrounds.

As for smoking...I quit a pack a day for 15 years the day I quit drinking...I was surprised I could. I really recommend Allan Carrs book....The Easy Way to Quit Smoking.

Xoxo, T