concernednurse

This might sound weird. My boyfriend has been sober now for a little over 2 months. He isn't working a "program" per se yet.. We had a conversation a couple weeks ago. I told him I was going to an alanon meeting and though he supports me going "for myself," he admitted that it made him feel bad... that me going to meetings is essentially saying "you're an alcoholic." I told him, yes, well this is the reality as I see it. I do believe he is an alcoholic, but the alanon part is for what I have become (or already was, really) as a result of being in this relationship, and having been in similar relationships before this. I believe that he is still in the process of trying to figure out whether or not he is an alcoholic. (Its his recovery, not mine).

Anyways, he asked me what I do there. I told him, I mostly listen (though I share as well, but mostly, i listen!) And when i went that night, I heard a lot of things that I thought might resonate with him, as well as myself. In hindsight I thought, I should have just asked him if he wanted to go with me and he could see what we do there himself. I asked him later if he would have come with me if I asked, he said he didn't know but with a look and tone of contemplation!

So, it may be putting the cart before the horse, I know a lot of alcoholics eventually down the line in their recoveries end up going to both AA and Alanon, but I am curious about going to Alanon first. Has anyone done it? And secondly, do you think it would be a hinderance on his "recovery" if he started with alanon before AA?

bellakeller

Does he have a "qualifier" for Al Anon? Practically anyone in my whole family could qualify as my qualifier, so I "qualify" for Al Anon and go to meetings sometimes and read the literature. I want more sober time under my belt before I take care of the rest so I don't yet have an Al Anon sponsor.

GettingStronger2

The alcoholics who go to Al Anon have other alcoholics in their lives. I am not clear as to why your boyfriend would go to Al Anon, what the point would be. I sense from your post, you are not an alcoholic. Is there someone else in his life, besides him, who is?

As an alcoholic, who does not live with one, I would not go to Al Anon. But that's me.

skg

AlaAnon has a saying: "What you see here, what we say here, when you leave here let it stay here."
Secondly, if there's an Open Meeting he's welcome to attend. Most untreated alkies that I know are scared to death of AA as well as AlAnon because the radar goes up at immediate mention. "Contempt prior to investigation." Tell him he can go with you if you can go with him to an Open Meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I suggest trying speaker meetings--neutral ground and no discussion. Whatever you do, KEEP GOING!! Learning The Steps toward a spiritual awakening is the best thing you'll ever do for yourself. And yes, there are guarantees..

Mark75

Well, heck I don't see how it matters how he gets to AA... by way of alanon beats the heck out of goin' by way of hospital or jail!

Whatever it takes!

GettingStronger2

True, if Al Anon would get him to AA. For me, Al Anon would not have gotten me to AA, and may have gotten me deeper into my sickness. Again, just me.

concernednurse

I think he mentioned that he has an uncle that's an alcoholic. And he had a maternal grandfather as well I believe. If not them, I could probably name a few friends of his that I think are alcoholics...

I am aware of that saying, and I agree that confidentiality and anonymity are important and essential. I have already told him that I would go to an AA meeting, I have been to one already by myself. I don't think he is ready for that, or I'm guessing he would be going already. But, in some way, I feel as though Alanon may be less threatening for him, and as you said, "learning the steps toward a spiritual awakening is the best thing you'll ever do for yourself." From what I understand, the steps in AA and Alanon are very very similar. And though his "qualifier" may not directly effect him in is life, I would go so far as to say, he most definitely has codependent characteristics.

Could you be more specific as to how Alanon might have gotten you deeper into your sickness?

Thanks for the replies so far, everyone!

aasharon90

There's a world of knowledge out there to help
those with addictions. Seek and you will find.
Read, educate yourself to help you better understand.
Listen, absorb. Take what you need and leave the
rest.

There's no harm in that at all.


Addiction affects all those who are infected by this
illness. Everyone from children to teens, young adults,
adults, parent, relatives, jobs and so on.

Recovery programs such as AA, NA, ACOA, Al-a-teen,
Ala-non, OA, GA, and others are available to all who
want it.

LexieCat

I think dragging him to an Al-Anon meeting as a means of getting him to AA is unfair to him and to your group.

It's one thing if he wanted to go because he was troubled by someone else's alcoholism. You said he is not, so it would really be a sham. And rather manipulative, as well.

CarolD

A far better idea...is for you to offer to attend
an open AA meeting with him.

Al anon will not address his drinking nor should it....
perhaps that is why he is willing to consider it....

Mark75

Well, I think your point is well taken lexie, and since I am not alanon I can't even begin to try and speak for them, and I won't.

Speaking as an AA I have no problems whatsoever when a spouse or SO of an AA comes to an OPEN meeting. And if the intent is to help the effected spouse get an idea of what a 12 step program is all about, OK with me.

Interesting questions and answers... SR rules!

concernednurse

I do appreciate all of your responses. I didn't say that I was going to "drag" him to Alanon, however. When he asked what we do there, I merely thought in hindsight maybe I should have invited him along to the open meeting and he could see for himself. I think that people make a lot of assumptions about things they know little about, and I find my particular group very welcoming to people who are there trying to gain information. But that's just my take.

concernednurse

This just made me think of something. I have gone to AA meetings because I want to be able to support my bf in any way I can, and I find that going to AA helps me understand alcoholism better and have a better picture of what the process might look like for him as his partner. Basically to learn and gain as much information as possible. And, I have always been welcomed there. In fact, I have been encouraged to go there at times. Open meetings of course. Though I get the impression from reading these responses that if he wanted to attend an open alanon, it wouldn't be viewed the same way... possibly because of the stigma of the disease? That he wouldn't be welcomed to gain information, because he doesn't have a qualifier? What are your thoughts on this?

LexieCat

Again,

It does not appear he has ASKED to go. This is all your idea, not his.

If he ASKS to go, then you could ASK your group how they would feel about it.

GettingStronger2

I don't know if i can explain it. I am not suggesting those in Al Anon would not welcome him. For me, I have the disease, i don't live with someone else and am trying to help understand it. I live with it. Without the support of AA, going to an Al Anon meeting could very well make me feel beat up and feel more remorse and guilt than i felt before I started AA and felt accepted, despite (or because of) my disease. That feeling of shame, guilt and remorse could have led me back to drinking had I stopped.

Now that I am in AA and working the program, i do not think this would happen. I don't have the experience of going to Al Anon meetings. But I truly feel that it would have been more harmful to me than helpful to go prior to starting a program of recovery for myself.

Not sure if that clears anything up or not. My best attempt.

Floridachick

I can only share my experience.

Twenty years ago I was married to an alcoholic and attended Al-Anon. I had a sponsor, worked the steps and had two solid years. I left my husband, got on with my life, and quit attending meetings.

Forward to now, I am a real alcoholic, in AA, have a sponsor, am working the steps and have 110 days sober.

The 12 Steps are the 12 Steps. An open meeting is open to anyone who would care to attend. Al-Anon's primary purpose is to help relatives and friends of alcoholics, wether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

So, an alcoholic friend would act as a qualifier. The Uncle is perfectly adequate as a qualifier.

My current husband and my adult children have attended open AA meetings with me, and as there are several alcoholics in my family and my ex is alcoholic - I feel comfortable attending an Al-Anon meeting, but because I am still new to AA I rarely do or would. Thinking back over all the people I know, and my family, I would be hard pressed to think of anyone that could not meet the Al-Anon qualification.

My time in Al-Anon has been of tremendous benefit to me now that I am in AA. It is good for my humility. In fact, when I have extra time, I like to browse the "Family and Friends" area of these forums to remind myself of the pain and suffering that this disease inflicts upon bystanders.

What is the worst thing that could happen? He'll hear the 12 Steps recited, he'll probably hear a passage from the ODAAT, and will hear from people who are the sober witnesses to alcoholic behavior.

My sponsor likes to say "If an alcoholic wants to drink, all the AA in the world won't stop him. But if an alcoholic wants to get sober, all the AA in the world won't stop him." You could probably substitute Al-Anon for AA in that saying.

I'm not sure if in early sobriety, I could have heard the 12 Steps too often.

My opinion only.

MrDavid

I know people who have recovered using both methods. I guess…the pendulum -you can say- swings in both ways leading us to wonder who really needs to recover and from what. I know people who went to Al-Anon for family reasons and discovered that they were alcoholics too and sobered up in AA as a result. The process of recovering has so many variables involved and can cross so many paths, not just ones in either organization. The point I'm trying to make is this: Some of us need added support to guide us through the tedious process of reclaiming our lives -one day at a time. Any program that can ease our burdens by promoting healing and wholeness by any means possible to as many people that need it, is worth pursuing. All in the name of reconciliation, of course...Thanks be to God.

hunt307

I actually attended alanon for a year before becoming a member of AA, and I can say that becoming familiar with the steps and trying to grow along spiritual lines helped me in my willingness to seek treatment for my alcoholism, but, and I see this as a pretty big but, I was highly motivated to go to alanon on my own free will because of some serious consequences involving my parents' drinking. Offering to bring your boyfriend to an alanon meeting because he asks what goes on there is a very open, honest, and thoughtful thing to do, but be aware that you have NO control over his alcoholism or his recovery, and if this is an attempt to guide or manipulate a certain outcome then you are taking responsibility for something that he must want and pursue on his own. Unfortunately this seems to be the only way it works. Good luck with your recovery, and remember, the best thing we can do for our alcoholic loved ones is pursue our own recovery, lead by example, not words, and be a source of strength.