Scrubmuncher

I'm at my lowest point in my life. I've lived for almost 40 years and spent over half of my life drunk, screwing up, making a fool of myself, waking up paranoid as hell, drinking to stop the panic attacks and then doing the whole damn thing again. Suicide has been playing on my mind quite a lot recently, just to end it all seems like such an easier option than going through this for another 20 years. I don't fail through lack of need, want or desperation I just don't seem to have whatever it takes to do this.
I'd just like a day without all these emotions, looking at others in jealousy as their life seems so normal, what does it take to do this, I'm really truely on my last legs here.

Dee74

Have you reached out for any real life support yet Scrub?
I really think that may be the key for you.

D

OklaBH

I'm glad you're posting and getting these thoughts out. You should call a hotline to hear a voice and see about face to face help. Keep us updated. I know its scary and feels hopeless.

Anna

Scrub, don't give up. You can do this and you don't have to continue with the anxiety and shame you're feeling. We can offer you support, but you might want to reach out to someone in your life. Have you tried rehab or inpatient treatment?

SSIL75

IP sounds like a great idea to me I think when you spend so many years drinking you truly lack everyday living skills. I know I drank for 17 years and the stupidest things trip me up now. It's hard work but oh the payoff. It's incredible, truly.

CarolD

I was 53 when my depression made it imperitive
that I find a way out of my active alcoholism.

This month I have 22 years of a new life
and it's a fantastic way to live....

Please take positive action...you really can win over alcohol

Soberween

I felt the way you do right now about four months ago. At this particular moment, I feel so good that I can't even imagine feeling that way. Since I finally quit drinking, I feel like that person who was so maudlin and hopeless no longer exists. Early sobriety is really hard, but it does get easier. Try to stay busy. That has been the key for me. Hugs to you!

Latte

You're not alone. This message board is a great start. I do agree with the others that some face to face support, or even over the telephone might help you some more.

Keep coming back though, this is one of the first places I came when I was really struggling.

Thank you for being here. Your presence is important to me.

24hrsAday

hitting absolute Bottom was my beginning. it can be yours too Scrub.. A.A. can be a new beginning for you if you want it. keep posting here with us, many of us have been right where you are right now.

skg

"1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable."
Sounds to me like you've got the first part of Step #1 nailed. What part is still manageable that you refuse to ask for help? AA is a program of action, not of wishes. It says, "Quit wringing your hands and come join us. We have found a solution."

MrDavid

Draw on us for strength until you can recapture your own. Keep close until then.



~God bless~

ItWillBeWorthIt

Scrub, I was once at the same place as you, no strength to carry on and wondering how I was going to get out of the dark whole I created. That was my bottom -- it may also be yours.

Can you phone a local help-line to talk to someone about how you are feeling, could you get into a detox center, is there someone close to you that you can call and get them to come over to help you during this time.

The important thing to do is take action. When you take action, you are moving towards a better future. I, too, had major anxiety and panic attacks while drinking, my depression was horrible, but since I quit all that is turning around and my life is getting better and better. Just take that first step and do something to move forward, call someone, stay around here, don't pick up, drink tons of water.

I wish you the VERY best and hope to hear you are feeling better later today and tomorrow and the next day and so on. We are all in this together, so you are not alone.