lizisme

I feel like im losing control, I feel like im falling apart. In fact I know this is already happening. This desperate place, where im so isolated, so alone & lonely, hurts like hell. It feels suffocating, I open my mouth but no sound comes out, I want to scream but im so used to drowning those feelings im afraid if I let just a little bit out ill fall apart completely. The built up anger and frustration is like a constant poison pulsating through my body just bubbling over, its spilling over the edge and burning little pieces into everyone I pass. I can feel my own bad energy and vibes trying to infect the souls of others. I feel sick. The anxiety and stress of feeling this way is so consuming. Im at a loss. All of this is desperately bottled up inside, so extreme its numbing. The tears fall, they feel pathetic, they achieve nothing except to make me feel more desperate, failing. I don’t want this, I don’t want me, I don’t want my inside and I don’t want my outside, I don’t want my existence, I don’t want the past, I don’t want the present, I think I want the future...but not so much. It all feels like an unachievable place, anywhere but here. My soul feels so damaged. I know I can feel love but I know I can feel pain, feeling love now seems like hard work, too hard. Today in a meeting someone asked me how I was, I said I wasn’t ok, he laughed. Wow, really? That was funny? I didn’t realise the pain in my eyes and my voice meant I was joking. This kind of A.A support worries me. I get the ‘dont feel sorry for yourself’ bit, but come on, im human, im hurting and im pretty bloody desperate...and you laugh at me! 6 months sober, if this is how it feels sober no wonder people would rather die drunk. Ive been here so many times, ive been fighting this battle for so many years. I don’t know if I want to fight the world anymore, I don’t know if the world will put up with my fight either, im surprised it hasn’t turfed me out thus far. O god im so tired of the ups and down, im sick of the dead end answers so freely given out. Im not worried about drinking. Im worried about the effect of me on my children. I don’t want answers, I don’t want ‘itl be ok’. I don’t want anything from anyone. I just want not to be me.

Dee74

Hi Liz

I'm sorry you feel so badly.

I think most Aussies expect you to say 'not bad' when they ask if you're ok....if you give them any other answer, some ppl will laugh nervously.

That's not something thats exclusive to AA - and it's not good if you need help - but it is what it is. I would try and not take it too personally.

I won't tell you it'll be ok. But...whenever I felt that way, I increased my support base, I added things to my recovery...

you're in AA - have you been going to meetings, or have you got a sponsor and doing the steps as well?

if you feel depressed and at the end of your tether, have you thought of counselling or seeing your Dr?

I hope you'll continue to use the support you'll find here too - lean on us.
I hope you'll soon find yourself in a better place.

D

Reset

Sorry you're feeling that way. Sounds like you're having a tough time. I understand some of those feelings. Maybe it would help if you did something beyond AA like talk to a psychologist (I do). Sometimes these feelings indicate there's something deeper than just the alcoholism lurking.

Lenina

Liz,

I am sorry you're feeling so bad. I think I know that awful place. Is it possible to get some professional care? Have you had a good physical recently? Sometimes, I think when we're in recovery we tend to discount our feelings. It could be you need a change of diet or vitamins. I pretty much messed up my body chemistry from drinking and it took a good while to reset. Your doctor can best advise you on this.

In the meanwhile, I hope you'll keep on going to the meetings and working on recovery. And I'm glad you posted. You're not alone.

Love,

Lenina

UniqueNewYork

What you need is to pick an image of yourself and live into that image, whether its a nurse or a firefighter or someone who helps people around them or even a superhero type like a wonderwoman. This is what Arnold Schwarzenegger did. He picked an image of himself that included things like marrying a Kennedy and being a movie star and he lived into the image. It was a conscious choice.

Also I hate to beat a dead horse but are you going to the gym? We alcoholics want to believe we are unique but the truth is I felt exactly how you felt before. Then I started not drinking and going to the gym and before I knew it I was having to carry a stick to beat the women off me, strangers were telling me i'm good looking, I felt like superman and could argue I looked like superman. Then I took all those good feelings and tried to bring that to my spiritual and mental entities but thats another story time for work.

keithj

That pretty much covers my experience. 'Here are the Steps we took' to overcome the feelings you describe.

For me to stay contentedly sober, I had to do more than go to meetings. I had to find a guy who knew that meetings and support would rarely be enough for the alcoholic described in the BB. I had to find a guy that had a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps, and could show me how to have an experience of my own.

Boleo

When staying the same hurts MORE than changing everything, everything can be changed.

ANEWAUGUST

(((Liz)))

From my experience AAers are not laughing at you, they are laughing with you. We are alcoholics, and most of the time our thinking is off, and we all unwell

Do you have a sponsor? Have you spoken with her about any of your feelings?

This is where my program has helped me tremendously. My sponosor can listen to what is bothering me, and help me work thru it all...and not drink.

Six months is spectacular...but getting to 9 months is tough. In my home group they say the 9 month chip is the hardest to get.

Hang in there...look how far you have come!

ClosetExtrovert

This might help. It helped me. A Place Called Self, Stephanie Brown, Ph.D. Stephanie, (9781592850983) Paperback - Barnes & Noble