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Sponsor gettin to close....

Old 04-10-2011, 09:43 PM
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Sponsor gettin to close....

I've known my sponsor for 4 years. He's known my fiance for 15 years. See I'm in a relationship with a women who has 18 years sober....I have couple weeks sober this time...been hangin around for 15 years. She 13th stepped me...doesnt matter we are a couple now. But my sponsor, I think is over stepping his bounds...see I caught a cold, refused to go to the doctor...my lady caught the cold as well....she has asthma...but it hasnt progressed to any thing worse than a common cold. Well my sponsor being friends with her got on my ass for not going to the doctor and said I got her sick....like he is pissed about it. I'm a bout to throttle this dude....I know violence aint the answer....i'm just wondering if this guy has over stepped his territory. Or am I insane.
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Old 04-10-2011, 09:58 PM
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To deal with resentments...in case you have one
please read page 552 in our BB.

Hope you all can remain friends ..
and ou and your lady feel better soon.

I know early sobriety is a difficult time for everyone
Good to know you are back on track

Welcome...
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:13 PM
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Re:Sponsor gettin to close....

We are recovering alcoholics not saints and make mistakes from time to time and your sponsor (might be) evidence of that. I would try to resolve this matter by any means possible that won't have detrimental effects on either of you. This program is a "God-Sent" and my sponsor has been instrumental in my recovery from day one.

I suggest you talk candidly with you sponsor about your concerns and try to work out those differences before pursuing other options -like finding another sponsor. Sponsors...have bad days too and maybe this can be a written off as such. If you can't come to any agreement on how to solve this dilemma and feel intimidated by this person in anyway, then you do have options -like finding another sponsor.

I hope this will be your last resort, however, even though it is worth pursuing if need be. Keep us informed about progress and never give up on AA. We won't...either should you.

~God bless~
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:53 PM
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Originally Posted by MrDavid View Post
We are recovering alcoholics not saints and make mistakes from time to time and your sponsor (might be) evidence of that. I would try to resolve this matter by any means possible that won't have detrimental effects on either of you. This program is a "God-Sent" and my sponsor has been instrumental in my recovery from day one.

I suggest you talk candidly with you sponsor about your concerns and try to work out those differences before pursuing other options -like finding another sponsor. Sponsors...have bad days too and maybe this can be a written off as such. If you can't come to any agreement on how to solve this dilemma and feel intimidated by this person in anyway, then you do have options -like finding another sponsor.

I hope this will be your last resort, however, even though it is worth pursuing if need be. Keep us informed about progress and never give up on AA. We won't...either should you.

~God bless~

Thanks man...I will keep you folks informed....I feel comfy here. I do like my sponsor, that is truth....I just thought may be he was over stepping his bounds. If not then I shall carry on.
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Old 04-10-2011, 11:07 PM
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Maybe your sponsor with a much clearer head than yours is more aware of just how dangerous a simple cold can be for someone with asthma.

Sponsor may not have expressed themselves in a kindly manner, but I would suspect with the years he has known her, may have seen some pretty bad attacks appear out of nowhere.

I understand you are in early recovery, but if possible, how about thanking sponsor for caring?

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-11-2011, 02:58 AM
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If you look at his root intentions he thinks hes doing a good thing. If you can forgive and move on. Talk to him about it in a non confrontational way if you can. At the end of the day most people in AA didn't get there because they are known for having excellent social skills. Some of us move up the ladder in this area and some of us don't.
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:13 AM
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gymi11,
I have asthma. A common cold can cause me to end up in a life-threatening situation. Depending upon the severity of your fiance's asthma, you could have put her in real danger with her health. I'm sure you love her and wouldn't want to do anything to hurt her. If your sponsor has known your fiance for 15 years, then he probably knew the risk of your seemingly innocent cold to her health. My advice: next time you have a cold, go see the doctor, wash your hands frequently, cover your mouth when you cough, and don't get too close to your fiance until you are better.
Susan
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Old 04-11-2011, 10:19 AM
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Doctors can't do a thing for a cold, it's a virus.... and by the time someone knows they have a cold they have probably already spread it to close contacts...

So yea, once you know you are sick, take precautions... of course, be responsible.

But jeez, you sure are getting pounced upon for a catchin' a cold... I don't go to doctors if I have a cold... And anyway, I thought sponsors guided people through the steps, not give medical advice....??

Hope your fiance is doing well!! And remember, lots of hand washing.
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Old 04-12-2011, 06:22 AM
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I'd ask what your part is in the resentment and then suggest you, "Put the turd on the table," so you can see it for what it is. Thousand forms of fear and all that...
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Old 04-12-2011, 07:05 AM
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Originally Posted by gymi11 View Post
Well my sponsor ...... got on my ass for not going to the doctor and said I got her sick....like he is pissed about it. I'm a bout to throttle this dude.... Or am I insane.
Sounds like he did the right thing, to me....

Seeking out, confronting, working on, and turning over selfishness and self-centeredness is a big part of the core of recovery - in AA anyway.

In the section of the book on the 4th step, it warns us that we must be rid if this selfishness or it kills us. It goes on to say that selishness and self-centeredness kills more alcoholics than anything else. (hmmmm, even alcohol).

Please take this not as a judgment but just as a statement of possibility: you got sick, you considered only how it affected you and chose to do nothing (ok.....no biggie), however.....your actions (failure to act, actually) might have contributed to HER getting sick.

Of course, we don't know why or how she got it......but "recovery" and living a "recovered lifestyle" is, as the 12th step suggests, practicing these principles in ALL my affairs. The biggest "affair" I can think of is my interaction with other people. Prior to recovery, it was all about me. In recovery we try to live on a different basis...one of being of service to others.

And as my great-grand sponsor says...... "Nahhh, you're not insane. You're just a selfish, self-centered, egotistical, and emotionally immature spoiled brat." - just like me -- lol
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:02 AM
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The idea that going to the doctor would have prevented your partner from catching your cold is utterly delusional.

You getting angry at your sponsor's delusion and/or anger, is your part. That is where you need to focus your your recovery.
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Old 04-12-2011, 10:19 AM
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From the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, pp 90 (10th Step):
It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about "justifiable" anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.

Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics.
It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well-nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. As we saw it, our wrath was always justified. Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These emotional "dry benders" often led straight to the bottle. Other kinds of disturbances--jealousy, envy, self-pity, or hurt pride--did the same thing.

A spot-check inventory taken in the midst of such disturbances can be of very great help in quieting stormy emotions. Today's spot check finds its chief application to situations which arise in each day's march. The consideration of long-standing difficulties had better be postponed, when possible, to times deliberately set aside for that purpose. The quick inventory is aimed at our daily ups and downs, especially those where people or new events throw us off balance and tempt us to make mistakes.
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Old 04-12-2011, 11:37 AM
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The idea that going to the doctor would have prevented your partner from catching your cold is utterly delusional.
Sorry recycle but have to disagree with you. The OP is in early recovery. Many of us when we get here have diminished immune systems from our years of drinking and not taking care of ourselves and a 'cold' can quickly turn into a bacterial infection. He is living with a person who has Asthma. This is very dangerous for that person.;

OP's sponsor has known the gf for 15 years.

When I got a cold, my sponsor insisted I go to the doctor. She was correct. In my first year of recovery those colds ended up in pneumonia 9 TIMES. Yes 9.

His sponsor was being kind, caring and compassionate. Now OP being fairly early back in recovery did not view it that way, and sponsor may not have communicated in the best way possible.

But I urge everyone in early recovery to see a Doctor, keep up visits with the doctor until they get 'physically' healthy again, which takes time. Over these many years I have seen way too many besides myself end up with very 'serious' respiratory bacterial infections that started as 'just a cold.'

I can also understand how OP felt that his sponsor was 'intruding.' However, hopefully after reading all the responses OP has received he might be ready to rethink his initial response.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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