Sylvie66

Hi -
I'd like to ask about the words that my ABF is using... what would you mean if you said this:

- "I've been doing a LOT better. Yesterday was a special case."
- "If you stay, I promise I'll toe the line." 'Who's line?' "Yours!"
- "I only slipped up twice in the last 5 months."

I'm no longer willing to live with an active alcoholic. His words indicate to me that he's not even willing to admit he is an alcoholic, let alone do anything beyond 'trying to not drink.'

Thoughts, please?

Thanks,

Sylvie

laurie6781

As a recovering Alcoholic for many years ......................... those words tell me he is still in denial.

More important how are you doing. We have a wonderful forum her for Friends and Families of Alcoholics:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Please check it out. There are some very informative 'stickys' at the top of the forum and some really great gals and guys with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) who have been where you are now or are at where you are now.

I go there a lot as I am also a long standing member of AlAnon, lol

But, to get back to your original question, he is still in denial and not ready to try for recovery. Those are just the start of trying to manipulate you to make you believe he is doing better and you will stay and things will be 'status quo.'

J M H O

Hope to see you over on F&F Alcoholics.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

ttbp

Hugs

So sorry you're going through this.

MattM316

Admitting it is one of the hardest parts, especially when you think you're in control of it. I held down a job for 10 years drinking morning, noon and night so I thought I was in control.
I've never been in your position when it was someone else so can imagine how frustrating it is for you.

UniqueNewYork

You can't really make someone quit.

I will say I started stringing together real sobriety when I realized I was going to lose one of my last friends I hadn't alienated through drinking.

JohnBarleycorn

"I've been doing a LOT better. Yesterday was a special case."
"I only slipped up twice in the last 5 months."
"If you stay, I promise I'll toe the line." 'Who's line?' "Yours!"
This last "promise" is important, however. It suggests that your BF realizes on some level that you may be serious, and he is afraid of the consequences.

I will probably get some heat for this on here from others, but since you said that you have decided you are not willing to live with an active alcoholic, I would suggest an ultimatum.

Firstly, your BF does not need to "admit" that he is "an alcoholic" - this is irrelevant. If indeed your condition for staying with him is that he no longer drink, and he wishes that you stick around, he will have to agree to quit for good.

Meet with your BF, alone, preferably early in the day BEFORE he has had anything to drink.

Start by saying, “This is about your drinking. I have made a decision that I will no longer live with an active alcoholic, and I will not tolerate any further use of alcohol or other drugs on your part. Therefore, you have a choice to make."

"I will not tell you HOW to quit, but I have decided that if you do not quit your use of alcohol/drugs by (pick a date), I will leave, and I will never change my mind, so I need to know right now, are you willing to quit the use of alcohol/drugs altogether?

If his answer is “Yes, I will quit, but not right now,” say “OK, I am willing to give some leeway, but I need to know, when you will actually have your last drink in this lifetime?”

Make sure the date he comes up with is agreeable to you, and that it is not something ridiculous such as next year. If you agree with his date, make sure that he knows you will still leave if he does not do as he promises.

If your BF is in bad shape or hung over, etc, you may want to take this into account, and give him the option of answering you in a few days so that he may recover, if you wish, but make sure you are clear on when you expect an answer.

Tell him that you will not manage or decide how he quits, that he may do so using whichever means works for him. He is free to use Alcoholics Anonymous, a professional rehab, Rational Recovery, some other program, or even nothing at all.

It is his choice - you are only interested in him quitting, not how he quits. You can tell him, however, that you have found this web site, and that he may find it useful.

Tell him also that he may wish to read a book that was recommended to you called "Under the Influence" by James Milam. It is very concise and informative, and you may want to read it as well if you are interested.

I realize that what I am saying may sound harsh, but it is in line with what you say you have decided, and you would be giving your BF the option to exercise free will and to do what he wants to do, provided that he accepts the consequences.

MattM316

I would have to say that TELLING someone they are an alcoholic really isn't a good idea because it'll just make them angry and defensive. Or maybe that was just me.

Sylvie66

Thank you all. His responses are a part of his talk to get me to change my mind about moving out. Five weeks ago, I said 'I will no longer live with you as an active alcoholic' - and he stopped drinking. Until yesterday, when he took my son out for a burger, and someone 'pressured him to have a drink', so he did.
JohnBarleycorn, I especially appreciate your phrasing. It's hard for me to come up with appropriate words myself sometimes.

About my BF's comment about only 2 slip-ups in 5 months: 3 of those months were monitored after a DUI, and 1 month was steadily drinking more and more... the 'slip' was directly involving me in a drunken episode.

I am going to look at houses on Monday.

Thank you again for your insight!

- Sylvie