Another Dinner Down The Sink.
 

For Christ-Sake....why do I do this???? Had a hangover Monday.......did't drink Tuesday......yesterday had things to do and wanted to make a nice dinner for my partner.

Got out of the shower and got ready to head out.......here come "the shakes" and anxiety. So, I thought, "I'll just stop, get a couple shots, and I'll be set to go.

Well, I remember going to the bank and some parts of being at the store. Found everything I needed for the stir fry I was gonna make (first time). I also somewhat remember stopping at the post office to mail my sister a package......by this time the shots were gone and so was a 1/2 pint.

Woke up this morning, went into the kitchen, and saw a bell pepper smashed up on the floor........and then it hit me.

I had taken the stir fry off the stove and threw it down the sink. As if that was not bad enough, I also recall telling my partner that his face was too fat for the haircut that he got earlier in the day. Oh, and I thew two plates in the sink....breaking them. At some point, I went into the bedroom and told PAB to "get the *uck out". I also threw his blood pressure medicine in the toliet........jesus.

Needless to say, I feel terrible........and I wonder why all the boxes are on the bed this morning.........he's moving out.

I'll head to the store in a few to get some "medicine" to stop the pain.

It's 2004 all over again

Thanks....just needed to get it out.

Been there done that. Don't beat yourself up too bad. I have done the food down the sink thing on numerous occasions. It makes no sense really, but get me loaded on some vodka and the sink gets a nice meal.

Instead of going to the store to get some "medicine" why don't you go for a walk or a run, or go work out. Once the sweat starts, the anxiety will be gone.

It doesn't have to be 2004 all over again. You can stop this any time you decide to do so. Instead of getting some "medicine," why not go see the doctor and get some real medicine. Maybe call around to some detox facilities and arrange for admission. There is plenty of help out there if you want it. I hope you'll decide to stop this train before it gets too far down the track.

Hey, I am really sorry for the pain you are going through. I can SO relate.

We take the first drink and it is "off to the races". We can't have one drink. When we do, bad things happen.

Please try not to beat yourself up, it doesn't help. Close your eyes and forgive yourself. You can do this. We are here for you.

Much love

wow.....thanks for the replies. Just tried to text my partner....no suprise, he's not responding. He drinks to....just not to the extent that I do and he handles his booze very well. Me? I get mean and say things I don't mean. I can feel them coming out of my mouth went I'm saying them.....just can't stop them.

He left me for a year in 2004. In 2005 I went into liver failure and the only person I wanted at my bedside was him. He did come and spent hours at my bedside.

If he leaves again.....just gonna make things worse. I hope he understands that the things I say are alcohol induced.

As for Detox, I don't have insurance so can't go see a doc, let alone go to a detox center. I have detoxed on my own.....the first day or 2 is hell, but after that I do ok......then start all over again.

Hate my life and wish that the liver failure would have done me in.......doc's did not expect for me to pull thru....was in ICU for a week. God should have just taken me.......then I would not be in the hell I'm in.....IMHO.

Salvation Army Rehab Center

And they will get you into detox if necessary. Good luck.

hmmmm, ok....this is his text reply to me "I don't have anything to say to you"........that hurts, but Im sure the things I said/did hurt as well.........this sucks.

If I were him, I doubt I'd have anything to say to you either. It's all been said before, obviously. Help is out there if you want it.

Really Suck?

yeah.....IF you have insurance or MONEY........have neither

VL, look at sailorjohn's post. He gave you a link to Salvation Army Rehab Center. It is free. Not having insurance is no excuse. There is still help available, but you have to go get it.

Please stop. You are killing yourself and you don't need too. You deserve a healthy life.

gawd......cain't stop crying......someone needs to put me on (again) a 51/50. I can't do this......I just cain't.

Maybe I should call the ambulance again.....I could just do my self in.

well first.....I need to clean up the mess from the dinner.

Call 911 if you feel suicidal. Cleaning up the mess from dinner is just a stall tactic. Call 911 and let them help you.

When I got sober I went to my doctor and got back on anti-depressants. It has made a world of difference.......totally stabilized me. I have 97 days sober and you can do the same thing. You don't have to live this hell. You really don't....I have been in your shoes and it's an awful way to live. Sobriety will give you so many gifts but you have to take the first step. And you can do it......you really can.

feel like I need to give you guys the run down....somewhat.

2004-lost job (not due to dinkining)
2004 Liver failure
2006-hip replacement ( Avascular Nacrosis-due to drinking)
2007-cancer (Sqamous Cell Carcinoma-due to drinking)
2008-hip replacement (same reason)
2011-need knee replacment (same reason)

The worst, for me, was the cancer....feeding tube, radiation, chemo.....I went from 185 to 116 pounds in a matter of weeks. Still today, can't really taste most things, still thin.......and can I just ask, why do people think its ok to tell someone they need to gain weight.....but not ok to tell someone.....you're to fat?

Hi Vodkalover-

If you get sober, save this post b/c when you come back and read it again, you're going to understand the phrase "alcoholic insanity".

I don't say this to be cruel as I've been there before.

You never have to drink again, if you don't want to.

You can go get help, if you really want to.

There are millions of recovered alcoholics in the U.S. alone. They did it and so can you, but you gotta do the work.

It's going to be tough and you'll need to do things you don't want to do.

Maybe it's time to get rid of old ideas?

AA is always free and will always be there, available to show you a solution to your alcoholism.

Kjell~

VL you said you did the detox and such yourself .. how did that work for you ? its obvious it didnt work out .. time to try the other way and not make excuses for things like cleaning the dishes and other things to do now , the only thing you need to do now is make the calls get in where ever you can not having income or anything like that is just a excuse to yourself .. you had money to get dinner you had money to mail a parcel you had money to drink , sure its not the right amount of income to pay for rehab , but you can get in one for free .. but you need to decide whats more inportant in your life , Only you can change what YOU dont like .. so hows bout changing it NOW

Call 911...

You are playing russian roulette with your life right now....

We are alcoholics, and we know the depths of the despair you feel right now.

There is a solution...