Supercrew

I guess I am pretty lucky, because I don't have any major resentments. Most of my problems in life were self inflicted normally due to alcohol or procrastination. I think I was a more bitter negative person while I was actively drinking, but I feel the influence of alcohol caused those feelings, and they were normally directed at me. I think I was more resentful of myself rather than any other individual or event.

The only person who I could think I might have felt resentment over was one of my best friends for close to 27 years, and we had a major business disagreement and his company ended up cheating me out of $20K and it put another friend of mine who own a small company out of business. I was very upset at the time, and I have cut of all contact with this person, but I realized it was just the way they do business. I am mad that I lost the money, but it's not something that I dwell on, but it is the only major thing where something was done to me. The positive was that this ex friend was also one of my biggest drinking buddies, and a major reason why I deidn't want to quit drinking, because I knew it would limit our social contact. So by him and his company screwing me, it made it easier for me to come to the realization that I no longer wanted to drink.

There are times that I have resented myself because of either procrastination or things I have done under the influence, but I have forgiven myself for those lapses in judgement.

Can anyone else give me an example of some more common resentments that they have? I have always considered myself kind of like teflon, stuff just doesn't stick to me for too long, and if I do have conflict in my life I do my best to smooth it out immediately. My wife, my customers, and the people I work with call me the "fixer" because I fix problems before they get out of hand, whether it be relationships, business dealings, or just arguments. So I don't think I let alot of things get to the resentment level at least for me.

LillieB

Kjell, I know what the bb tells you about resentments I just don't have to agree with the opinion. Resentment is, as I stated before, a normal human emotion..powerful for anyone to deal with not just us alcoholics. If you google resentments there is a plethora of sites/articles dealing with the subject. I personally am not afraid of them. Resentments don't get me drunk, booze does. I wish there was a lot less lamenting about things that threaten us poor alcoholics. I never needed a reason to drink. I just drank. When I got sober I put on my big girl pants and stopped being an irresponsible imbecile. Living ones life afraid of normal emotions seems a bit absurd in it's premise. Of course this is just my opinion, one of many I am sure. Certainly feel free to disregard.

Supercrew

Lillie I don't think it is being afraid of resentments or fear or whatever, I think the key is to be able to recognize the feeling and not act on it.

LillieB

Supercrew, Absolutely. Resentments don't make people drink, so to consider them "deadly" puts them in a strange kind category. When we get sober we have to act like the rest of society again and deal with our lives the very best way we can, with what ever tools we employ.

Kjell

Hi Supercrew-

Exactly! I had the exact same experience.

I was also resentful at myself WAY more than anyone else and b/c of this, I caused a lot of harm in other peoples lives and discovered I had a lot of amends to make and I'm currently working on this now. It's a incredible experience.

Pretty cool how we've gone different routes in our sobriety, but we feel the same way.

Keep up the good work!
Kjell~

Kjell

Hi Lillie-

Of course you don't have to agree and a lot of what you're saying makes perfect sense.

We're agreeing on more than you're realzing.

Yes, all humans have resentments for sure. ...but for me, for this alcoholic, they mess me up big time, more than my friends and family who aren't alcoholic.

I drank over a lot of this crap and didn't even know it

This is one specific instance where AA and the Big Book described me perfectly. Maybe this isn't true for you and that's ok, but for me, the program has given me more than just not drinking in regards to dealing with resentments.

It's helped me to re-wire my brain.

Kjell~

Genjen

I have bucketloads of resentment.

I think the fourth step will be helpful in working through them. Most of it is directed at family...and relationships.

Some days I do better with these and others I don't...

Kjell

Hi Genjen-

Count on it.

Kjell~

LillieB

I'm glad you have found a way that makes sense to you. Found a literature that you can identify with, even agree with the authors opinion on the subject. I just concern myself with the matter of underestimation our abilities to function as "normal" human beings. Everybody has some achilles heel that can cripple them if they let it. I really am for empowerment rather than fear based recovery.

Genjen

What do you do for your resentments?

recycle

I’ll toss one out there. I had a resentment against my wife. I never signed up to be the bread winner dad, while she got to spend all the time with the kids when they were young. It was not what we talked about before having kids, and when she found out that what she studied in college was not what she wanted to do, she did not avail herself of the opportunity to go back to school and do something different.

Whether this is legitimate or not is entirely beside the point from a recovery point of view. What is my part in it, is the question. I hoisted the money making duties on my back out of ego – just to prove how smart and capable I was. I did not clearly communicate to her how I felt out fear. And I was scared of being as a crappy a father as mine was if I really got the chance. She definitely had some things going on that I was not tuned into at all, but that is her stuff. For me, letting go of that resentment was about seeing my part in it and not keeping a score sheet of who was most responsible. I definitely did my part.

I don’t think a human can keep from getting angry at stuff. It is an autonomic response. However, once the fight or flight chemicals have had a chance to dissipate, did I let it go or did I keep that turd in my pocket?

Would that resentment get me drunk? I really have no idea. It definitely impacted our relationship, and I feel much better to have let my part go.

Anna

Gen,

I had a lot of resentment towards family and relationships too.

I really had to look inward and try to figure things out, and I realized that I was resentful because I had been playing the martyr role. If I had given so much to my family, then of course I had expectations. Not a good idea. I had to step out of the victim/martyr role and begin to take responsibility for myself and my happiness and stop expectings others to behave the way I wanted them to. My resentments vanished.

Genjen

Thanks Anna...I've had a different perspective lately which has taken me out of the victim role, in fact it's what helped me accept step one recently...I am blessed with the tools, they are all around me ready to be used, it's my job to use them. I really do want to release these strongholds, one of them is abandonment. Logically I know nobody truly abandoned me but it sure feels like it and makes me sad and angry...it one of the things I drank over a lot. But I have "family" in AA groups and at church...brothers and sisters in the same boat with me, time to serve and be served =)

LillieB

Genjen, Firstly I try not hold grudges. I understand we have only but a limited time here on this planet so I don't entertain the thoughts that create the resentment. I also acknowledge that many times we make "mountains out of mole hills" for a lack of a better quote. If I get angry I run an extra mile or 2 during my daily runs..exercise is huge in my recovery. In other words I do what most other human beings do.

Kjell

Me too Lillie, me too.

Fear ran my life for me for far too long. I've found a way out of living that way and I hope anyone who lived in fear can do the same (regardless of how they do it).

Kjell~

LillieB

Quite ironic this conversation of fear as it was a topic of discussion on another site. Not quite in this same capacity but the commonality gives me pause. How much of our lives are wasted fearing things that have no power over us at all or in stark contrast that we can't control. Remarkable the ability that humans have to create their own pain..unlike any other creature I would think.

Genjen

Excellent! I'm having to rewire my old behaviors, many of my resentments go back to childhood - and it's weird how old baggage feelings come up in certain situations, alot of these feelings are so raw right now, and feel new even when they aren't...I am getting a lot of support from friends and meetings to put the logic back into my head when it comes up. Hope that makes sense.

LillieB

Absolutely makes sense Gen. It takes dedication and patience to not carry the baggage around with us. Pain can become an old friend..cart it it around long enough and you miss it when it is gone. I understand having issues that started during a time in which we had no control, if drinking made them better we would not still be consumed by them. Press forward, each day affords a new opportunity to lighten our load.

Supercrew

That makes sense to me Recycle, yet at the same time what I have realized in my 16 year marriage that normally those feelings came from a lack of communication to begin with. Now should it be my job to make sure this communication is happening? Well, someone has to do it. Believe me, I have been down some rocky paths in my marriage, but it always comes back to whether I was actively participating in my marriage and meaningful communication with my spouse..

About 10 years ago I realized I was not working in my relationship daily, the hard way. I was resentful, mad, upset, until I relalized that I can only control my actions. Once I understood this my resentfulness has basically disappeared in not only my marriage, but in every facet of my life. All of the sudden the daily work I put in was paying dividends and the lines of communication opened up. Now I did let alcohol screw that up many times, but then I just put the concept I have towards my marriage and relationships and applied it to my recovery.

Anything worthwhile takes daily work, and I found that if I apply the daily work, there normally isn't a reason for me to be resentful.

It always seems to fall back in my lap...which is great if I am working my solution, or bad if I remain unactive or apathetic.

recycle

I agree that fear causes great suffering, perhaps even the most suffering. But I think we as a species have the least trouble with it. Fear is an evolutionary by product. The cro-magnon that wasn't afraid that rattle is in the bushes might be a sabertooth tiger did not survive when it really was a tiger. We at least have some power to reason away fear, or faith for some, unlike my Great Dane who lets cats pwn him. I think animals are terrified much of the time.