reggiewayne

So, my wife got a job offer today for a company she's worked with as their sales rep for the past year. It's much more money and seems to be a very good opportunity. You'd think I'd be happy right?? Wrong! I'm consumed with jealousy. Which is odd because I've never been a jealous person.

This has shined mirror back at me and really shown how I still try and control people, places, and things. My alcoholic thinking jumps to great! Now she'll make more money than me, not need me, and eventually leave me. Why am I staying sober if this is inevitable??? Insane right? My thinking is so poisoness at times. I haven't acted on those thoughts and don't plan to, but man does my mind jump to the worst case scenario fast!!! Fear, fear, and more fear...

Sober RW feels things that he never did when drinking. I always looked at jealousy like I did gambling. It's the only vice / character defect I didn't have. I had ALL the others, but I typically never got jealous and I never gamble. Well go ahead and scratch jealousy off the list of things I don't have. Now that I'm sober, I am actually feeling very jealous and it's surprising to me. It's such a powerful emotion. It threatens me on so many levlels - security, sex life, pride, ego, self worth, and so on.

I am trying so hard to behave like an adult throughout this, but my flesh is burning. I've talked with several people from AA and they all have said the same thing. The thing you try hardest to prevent, you end up causing in the long run. They've all said something along those lines.

I trust my wife and love her dearly. I am still trying to learn how to live sober. I thought when I got 60 or 90 days or even 4 months in I'd be cured... turns out I'm still a work in progress. Funny how something so positive can cause this alcoholic to think he's less than when this entire thing isn't even about me.

Just thought I'd share this. Not sure if anyone can relate, but it's kicking my a$$ right now.

Have a good night all!

Dee74

Fears a biggie RW- especially when it's irrational.
When I get that way, I make a gratitude list and I read the heck out of it

D

MsCooterBrown

The thing you try hardest to prevent, you end up causing in the long run. They've all said something along those lines.

I have to read this a couple of times to understand it. Are they saying that if you silently seethe she will pick up on the lack of support and leave you ...I am not sure if that is it? I run more along the lines of positive thinking. Now..sometimes it is hard to do but everything I get upset about is all my own doing. Using negative reactions instead of finding the good parts of whatever is happening or happened. And believe me..I have alot of work to do in this area..Instead of jealousy you could look at it as a good move for the family..more income. And..if your wife is happy..that will feed on to you!

LaFemme

Are you jealous or threatened?

Ii agree with MsCB and Dee...try and stay positive and practicing gratitude is an answer for almost everything

gravity

I'm relatively new to the dating/new relationships scene after a 19 year marriage. I find that any negative feelings that I have about my girlfriend can be traced back to my own self-esteem and past experiences. When I am spiritually fit, I can see myself as I truly am and my girlfriend as she truly is. We are good together.

I find that recovery and AA is about seeing reality. The problem is my twisted perception. Personally, I'd do steps 4-7 with my sponsor on something like this. You should be happy for her.

MrDavid

I agree with Dee...time for a gratitude list.

keithj

Hah! This had me laughing, RW. So typically alkie of you. It's a great example of how we do this. For once on this forum, the phrase 'one day at a time' really fits.

This is really 3rd Step stuff, pg 61 I think. Has anyone ever shown you the 2nd Step proposition exercise for dealing with fear? PM me if you want.

reggiewayne

I would say both. The office is small and she has been dealing with one person only. He's the owner of the company. So I guess I'm jealous that another man will spending more time with my wife than me and then threatened about the other things.

What I meant by "What I try hardest to prevent, I'll end up causing"... what I mean is, it's like the parent that tries to shelter their kids so much and by doing so they actually drive their kids into making decisions just to rebel. Along those lines...

I know what I must do is trust her and be supportive. Realize that it's her life, not mine and let things fall where they may. I can't control any of it anyway. All I can do is try and be the best husband I can and see where life takes us all...

I will work on that gratitude list today. Thanks Dee!

Thanks for all of the input guys!

SASA

well if she gets a salary increase, what I see is money that can be spent on a romantic vacation, which will benefit both of you.
Additionally, more money, means

less stressful situations
bills are paid regularly
extra money to buy new things for both of you
and a backup in case you loose your job, she can support the family for a while

as for needing you, she needs you now more then before, since she needs your support, you need to push her selfesteem that she can do the job. In the future she will need you when she is stressed to help her to relax and advice her in her decisions, she needs you if she has to blow of steem.....

LexieCat

Maybe some prayers of gratitude for her success are in order?

Maybe mustering up some show of enthusiasm and telling her you're proud of her? Acting your way into right thinking, IOW...

Kjell

Hi Reggie-

Leave it to us alkies to find something bad in something good.

Self.
Centered.
Fear.

Almost all my problems, darn near everyone, boils down to self centered fear. Sure, my emotions come in all sizes and shapes, sometimes wearing a fake mustache and a clever hat, disguised as anger, or jealousy, or greater than, or ego, but 9 out of 10 times, it's self centered fear.

Maybe this is true with you too?

(think about it)

Also, once the alcohol was removed I soon had a bigger problem. Me.

Kjell~

aasharon90

I am grateful for all that I have and don't regret
what all has happened in my life to get me where
I am today.

How ironic it is to click on this topic this morning
when it was just yesterday I uttered the same words
to my husband that It must be jealousy that I feel inside.

Jealous for what? Just because I dont have that
family network like my exhusband and kids do,
only because I chose not to. I am the one in recovery
who moved on in my life, remarried, and enjoy
the simplicity of a sober life.

I tried to work over the years in different little jobs
to only fail in following rules because I have issues
with authority telling me what to do. So today Im retired.
I feel like this is where I am suppose to be in my life.

I am estranged from my parents and siblings and my
own 2 children, keeping a good distance from dysfunction
and getting sucked back in those infected areas of my
life.

Today I feel like im in my own bubble quarentined from
the rest of the world. Jealous because I cant be normal
but grateful Im sober. Jealous because I see my kids
growing, living and enjoying a prospourous life with no
addictions. Jealous because all i wanted was my exhusband
to be happy and move on with his life, and he has.
Remarried recently and finally selling the house I hated
so much in Houston to move into another. If I was still
married to him we'd still be there in that aweful inviroment.

Here I am 20 yrs sober and crap like that still crops ups,
and yet I have so much to be grateful for. SO MUCH.

It's like I want to cut the ties from ALL everyone and
disappear from them and live happy and content in my
own little world. Everytime I get a little close to the past
all sorts of negative emotions pop up. And jealousy is a huge
part of it.

Talking about it helps. Letting it go help. Acceptance of
people places and things just as they are suppose to be
helps. Continue to ask for guidance and direction in
areas that still disturb me.



And to think jealousy cropped up all because my daughter
poped in on me in Facebook to say hello and see how I
was doing. Fine I said and enjoying working in the yrd.
So asked if I was still at the same email address that I
always had when I was in my first marriage. I told her yes
and she went to to say that her dad was changing the server
we all were using and that she needed to let me know
before it was cut off. Panic and anxiety set in and I became
over whelmed. I suppose the fear of the unknown of what
was going to happen to all my computer stuff disappearing
when least expected. I hate having to change my email
address that ive had for so long. Am I gonna die to change
it? Is the world gonna come to an end? So far none of
that has happened and my husband today called att&t last
night and sbcglobal are all in one together. I will get a notification
in 30 days where they will ask me if I want to stay with my
now email address or change it. To me that was comforting
to know so I wont be cut off with not knowing what has
happened. WHEW...!!!!!

Jealousy.......It's amazing how that crops up so quickly with
this alcoholic. All will work out as is suppose to with a little
faith in a recovery program that hasnt failed me yet, only
because I continue to work it on a daily bases.

Jealousy.....what's that....lol

DayTrader

^^^^ That ^^^^

Jealousy, feeling threatened, feeling like things won't work out...etc... they're all (to me) just more pleasant ways of saying self centered fear and self centered fear is just a natural result of ME PLAYING GOD.

Had it been me that got the promotion there would be no problem. She's not to be trusted with that much power. She's going to lose respect for me over time because she'll realize she can be plenty successful without my help. etc etc etc.. All of those things would be in Column III of an inventory (what and how it affects me). <-----and all of those are based in my desire/belief that I need to control everything to be, get or stay happy.

Like Kjell and Keith said, all those feelings (especially anything based in fear) are rooted in me continuing to play God. Ya see, if only things happen the way I want them to, to and for me, everything will be ok - so I thought.

The dilemma is that I don't have the power to enforce my will upon the world - they just won't follow my directions (lol) soooooo, I become convinced (over time) that I can no longer play God cuz it just doesn't work (I don't have the power to pull it off). Sounds like it's time to make a decision....a decision to live life on another basis - one in which I'm not and don't need to be in control of everything, don't need to understand everything, and just perform my role in the play that someone else is directing (my HP).

“When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?”

ding ding ding ding....


Just my personal opinion....gratitude lists never really got me out of the quagmire of playing God. They have, unfortunately, remind me of all the things that aren't on the list that I think should be - lol (heh, more of me playing God).

Like Keith said, I'd have to go with taking a good hard look at the Second Step and consider the answer to the 2nd step PROPOSITION. And don't JUST consider the answer you get in your head - take a look at the answer you give through your actions. From there you may be in a better position to make a 3rd step DECISION then take it into inventory and run it through the columns....discuss it with your sponsor...so on and so forth.

The steps and the program are a design for living right? Have you tried to use the tools you have? They've stuck around all these years because they really do work - but only if you use them.

reggiewayne

It is self centered fear. Day Trader just right smack on the money. All of you are. I can't tell you how much this helps me to read this. I love what DT said, "If it was me that got the job, no problem". So true. And so much proof that this is self centered fear...

LoftyIdeals

RW & aasharon... thank you both for your posts.

Reggie...I am sympathetic to your issue. It has been a perception of mine in my marriage for 7 years that has swelled in resentment and has been many reason to drink for me. My wife took 5 yrs off to raise our children before kindergarten. When she returned, 7 yrs ago, she outearned me, and has every year since. My ego says that is not allowed; after all, I am a man, 7 yrs older than her, more experience, and I have a college degree and (had) a career I had been in for over a decade. In my self-pity, I have allowed this issue to emasculate me in every way. Still do. I know how chauvenistic this sounds, but it's more that my marriage already has an unhealthy competitive aspect to it that I resent.

Bottom line, RW, I really respect your posts, your outlook, and views. Please grow through this, and see it for the good opportunity it is for your wife and your entire family. There is a time for everything. If this is her time to shine, let it be. Hope that doesn't sound too much like a platitude. It's meant sincerely, with genuine empathy.

reggiewayne

Loftyideas. We seem to share a lot in common. I am 7 years older than my wife too. When we first got married I was making a ton of money, she was young and sweet (still is sweet - and younger than me), the way she looked at me was what I was looking for my entire life. The respect, the love, etc..

Fast forward 5 years and she is still younger than me but now makes double what I make.

Over the past 5 years, I've become alcoholic, had trouble with the law, had custody issues with my son from a previous marriage, lost jobs, been unemployed, and 4 months ago was hopeless. We have a child together and she's a great mom.

There is a ton of insecurity in all of this. I think the fear is "she's gonna realize how big of a loser I really am and leave me". The truth is I'm doing better today than I have throughout our marriage. It's as if I didn't realize how much I loved her until I've been sober enough to really see her.

None of this is possible unless I'm in recovery. It is her time to shine. There is a reason that I married her - and I think this company is seeing in her some of the same stuff I see. These feelings are new to me. Thanks for all of your help guys. Keep it coming! I can't tell you how much it helps me.

Genjen

LOL...

My SO is losing weight = OMG HE'S GOING TO LEAVE MY FAT ARSE NOW!!!!!!!!! He won't find me attractive anymore....etc etc etc...

My SO is buying a new Harley = OMG OTHER WOMEN ARE GOING TO FLIRT WITH HIM, I WILL LOSE HIM OMG *hands in the air flailing wildly*

Seriously. An old dude once told me, People are going to do what they want to do. Period.

They can/will, lie, cheat, steal, abandon, use, etc...
They also, love, are faithful, are honest, stay by you, etc etc...

So what's his track record been lately? lol...wth am I worried about?

I totally hear ya Reggie...omg my mind can go in so many different ways.

spryte

reggiewayne,

How awesome is SR and how awesome you are that you can work through your feelings and reaction like you did!

Actually, I think I just asked a question...the answer is - very awesome

Eddiebuckle

Wow, RW. It takes balls to admit that - I can relate, it must be some kind of caveman thing, can't stand to see that she's capable of taking down a wooly mamoth too. Like a lot of the stuff that comes up in the rooms (IMO) I don't think this is an alcoholic-only issue, but being an alcoholic makes it really dangerous. Nothing like shining a light on the dark places in our souls to take the mystery and power from them... maybe you should share this with her?

DayTrader

Lots of good stuff in that post RW. LOTS of good stuff. Flattering? No...but it's the truth. Truth sometimes hurts and it sometimes makes you feel funny inside.

As an alkie who spent 99% of his time in a fantasy that I could control everything I wanted to control or thought I could control, the truth is a welcome newcomer.