Jealousy! turns out it applies to me too....
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Originally Posted by reggiewayne 
Loftyideas. We seem to share a lot in common. I am 7 years older than my wife too. When we first got married I was making a ton of money, she was young and sweet (still is sweet - and younger than me), the way she looked at me was what I was looking for my entire life. The respect, the love, etc..
Fast forward 5 years and she is still younger than me but now makes double what I make.
Over the past 5 years, I've become alcoholic, had trouble with the law, had custody issues with my son from a previous marriage, lost jobs, been unemployed, and 4 months ago was hopeless. We have a child together and she's a great mom.
There is a ton of insecurity in all of this. I think the fear is "she's gonna realize how big of a loser I really am and leave me". The truth is I'm doing better today than I have throughout our marriage. It's as if I didn't realize how much I loved her until I've been sober enough to really see her.
None of this is possible unless I'm in recovery. It is her time to shine. There is a reason that I married her - and I think this company is seeing in her some of the same stuff I see. These feelings are new to me. Thanks for all of your help guys. Keep it coming! I can't tell you how much it helps me.
Fast forward 5 years and she is still younger than me but now makes double what I make.
Over the past 5 years, I've become alcoholic, had trouble with the law, had custody issues with my son from a previous marriage, lost jobs, been unemployed, and 4 months ago was hopeless. We have a child together and she's a great mom.
There is a ton of insecurity in all of this. I think the fear is "she's gonna realize how big of a loser I really am and leave me". The truth is I'm doing better today than I have throughout our marriage. It's as if I didn't realize how much I loved her until I've been sober enough to really see her.
None of this is possible unless I'm in recovery. It is her time to shine. There is a reason that I married her - and I think this company is seeing in her some of the same stuff I see. These feelings are new to me. Thanks for all of your help guys. Keep it coming! I can't tell you how much it helps me.
Your wife is a lucky girl and I bet she loves your honesty too. Ive read all of your posts and the first thing I thought was - she's still with you reggie. It is great how you see such beautiful qualities in your wife and that you seem to understand her but what I found quite great is that you seem to understand yourself so much. This is wonderful for you.
Try not to let the 'money side of things' worry you. Youre a team right! I dont know you reggie, but if I can see this caring & honest man, I bet your wife just loves you to bits. Just keep thinking about the way she looks at you and thats all you'll need. And when youre feeling jealousy or insecure, just hug her or call her and tell her - you love her. Thats all she'll need.
JJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
justjo, that was very sweet of you to say. It's nice hearing things like that.
I really appreciate that! I just am having a very hard time with all of this. It's like I know how I'm suppose to act (supportive, understanding, staying in the moment) and I act that way 50% of the time. The other 50% I'm acting on my feelings and that has never worked out positive. I just feel lost right now. I really do.
The bottom line is recovery has to be first. If it's not this is just going to lead me to drinking and then we all ultimately lose. I am going to bed early tonight and un-plug from this situation. I can't handle it. There are things that I am just flat out powerless over. Just like I've done with alcohol, I win by stopping the fight. This problem (or opportunity) reminds me of fighting alcohol. The harder I fight, the more it kicks my a$$!!!!
I'm going to hug her, look her in the eye, and say I love you and I'll support you no matter what, and leave it at that. It's the best thing I can do, but guys, my skin is literally burning. This (her going to work for this guy) feels so freaking wrong I feel like I'm gonna puke. I am the only person who seems to feel this way (SR, all my buddies in AA, my sponsor, my sister, my best friend, friends at work - everyone is seeing it differently than me which usually means they are right and I am wrong).
This is the biggest hurdle I've had in sobriety and you all have a front row seat. I'm glad I'm not alone. If I were drinking I'd be handling this even worse (if that's possible). I'm gonna have a bowl of ice cream and go to bed early.
Have a good night guys. This too shall pass, right?
I really appreciate that! I just am having a very hard time with all of this. It's like I know how I'm suppose to act (supportive, understanding, staying in the moment) and I act that way 50% of the time. The other 50% I'm acting on my feelings and that has never worked out positive. I just feel lost right now. I really do.
The bottom line is recovery has to be first. If it's not this is just going to lead me to drinking and then we all ultimately lose. I am going to bed early tonight and un-plug from this situation. I can't handle it. There are things that I am just flat out powerless over. Just like I've done with alcohol, I win by stopping the fight. This problem (or opportunity) reminds me of fighting alcohol. The harder I fight, the more it kicks my a$$!!!!
I'm going to hug her, look her in the eye, and say I love you and I'll support you no matter what, and leave it at that. It's the best thing I can do, but guys, my skin is literally burning. This (her going to work for this guy) feels so freaking wrong I feel like I'm gonna puke. I am the only person who seems to feel this way (SR, all my buddies in AA, my sponsor, my sister, my best friend, friends at work - everyone is seeing it differently than me which usually means they are right and I am wrong).
This is the biggest hurdle I've had in sobriety and you all have a front row seat. I'm glad I'm not alone. If I were drinking I'd be handling this even worse (if that's possible). I'm gonna have a bowl of ice cream and go to bed early.
Have a good night guys. This too shall pass, right?
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hey reggie, I hope you enjoyed that icecream. Ya know reggie, I do relate to those feelings of jealousy and feeling insecure. I think its similar for men and women.
Dig deep in those feelings reggie, its there somewhere! I too, for no reason was jealous, sometimes spiteful if my ex was enjoying his life. I felt left behind. he always told me that he loved me, did the right things but still I didnt trust him. He didnt give me reason to not trust him so go figure??
What I did realize was this, as a child my father was never there for me, or showed love or hugged me. I wasnt use to affection either as my mum didnt do it either, therefore, I guess when someone got close to me, I pushed them away and thought, 'what is this for, what do you want' crazy hey,?
I never understood happiness, 'why is that person always smiling' and I seemed to love my own misery. I was never quite right in my own skin back then. I had control of my own life, I thought! but I was controlling everyone else, not me. Does that make any sense...
I guess what Im saying is this - once I understood where all those horrible feelings were really coming from, it started to free me and guess what, I had permission to enjoy my life and I didnt have to worry about 'what if'.
I accepted what was. Just be yourself reggie and allow yourself to be free. It sounds like you are hurting.
Also ask yourself, what is it about this 'guy' that really bothers you. The truth will be there.
JJ
Dig deep in those feelings reggie, its there somewhere! I too, for no reason was jealous, sometimes spiteful if my ex was enjoying his life. I felt left behind. he always told me that he loved me, did the right things but still I didnt trust him. He didnt give me reason to not trust him so go figure??
What I did realize was this, as a child my father was never there for me, or showed love or hugged me. I wasnt use to affection either as my mum didnt do it either, therefore, I guess when someone got close to me, I pushed them away and thought, 'what is this for, what do you want' crazy hey,?
I never understood happiness, 'why is that person always smiling' and I seemed to love my own misery. I was never quite right in my own skin back then. I had control of my own life, I thought! but I was controlling everyone else, not me. Does that make any sense...
I guess what Im saying is this - once I understood where all those horrible feelings were really coming from, it started to free me and guess what, I had permission to enjoy my life and I didnt have to worry about 'what if'.
I accepted what was. Just be yourself reggie and allow yourself to be free. It sounds like you are hurting.
Also ask yourself, what is it about this 'guy' that really bothers you. The truth will be there.
JJ
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