So tired of wanting to be sober...
 

This is so annoying to me. The WANT to be sober is definitely in me. It sticks around for a couple days and then seriously just fades away like day into night. I did so good for nineteen days straight, actually obsessing about my sobriety, and then POOF! It vanished in one Friday night. Ever since I fell off the wagon from my nineteen day ride, I've been good for a couple days here, three days there and then the following day I just let my sobriety obsession go and drink a few beers.
I am feeling such guilt about this. On one hand I want a beer or two SO BADLY but on the other hand I ask myself why I want it.
The only thing I'm glad about when it comes to my recent drinking spurts is that I limit my intake to about five beers throughout the night opposed to the old habit of about 12 beers and a few shots of whiskey in about three hours and then black out and pass out.

I just want to get sober for good but am fighting with myself!

You can win this fight, its hard and can be painful but so worth it in the end. Try to find some help be it AA, your doctor, this board just do what ever it takes.

Well I'm on day 6 this time so I probably shouldnt talk but I gotta say RIGHT NOW that little voice that says "Maybe someday you can drink" is gone. However, I've been filling up EVERY NIGHT with meetings or being with someone who is supporting me not drinking and knows my problem with it. I just can't have it any other way for a while. That little voice will probably come back if I don't. So far it's working though

Get off the misery go round...get serious and get sober again.
:yup:
Action and change....yes they are difficult ..but so worthwhile.
.

Quit fighting!! Surrender. If I am powerless over alcohol, I lose every time I fight. Trying to moderate, trying to tough it out and white knuckle it... that's fighting it and then I lose... because I am powerless.

There is a solution. Admitting powerlessness is the first step. By doing that, we are then able to bring a power that is greater than ourselves into our lives.

Keep coming back!

This mental obsession can be more wearing on us than the actual alcohol itself sometimes. It helps to "tell on yourself" when you get to this place. It's awful but you are not alone. It's amazing how sometimes the obsession lifts sometimes when you share it. Especially in a room with all the other alkies who've been there and know what you are going through.

I know you were interested in meetings. Have you tried one yet?

yes i went to a meeting a couple of evenings ago. i was the youngest one there! significantly younger... not that that is an issue but i felt as if i was having a hard time relating.
i know that we are all alike in our differences when it comes to alcohol though. today there is a meeting at 2 that i might try out. i may just go for a really long walk with my dog though.

thanks to all who are supporting me in this.

Unless your dog is an alcoholic, the meeting will do you more good. Take the dog for a walk before or after the meeting.

If you are a dog owner, this is really important. We want to spend as much time as possible with our dogs.

GG

breath

and do some yoga at home, you don't need a studio

Service work at CSO or some volunteer work, worked for me to not let that mind go into, "drink-think". Goes away after a while as we strengthen.

The walk was very good! Walked along the river, it was a beautiful day! I'm sober and about to cook some delicious food!

ooooo - I love good food! It actually helped me in the early days as I would treat myself to whatever I wanted to eat for one meal a day. And eating small snacks at other times took care of many of the cravings.

The other thing that helped was coming here every day..... if I started off the morning with just reading a couple posts on SR, it helped me stay focused on sobriety.

You're here talking about it - and that's huge!!!! :c011:

I don't even get the urge to drink anymore lately. I don't get obsessions. I don't get cravings. Lately that is.

My big secret is I have all my friends and family on board with me. I've put people in my life who are so close to me, that almost every day, I will say "you know.. this part of my life is different/better because if I was still drinking (followed by story about a crappy experience). The other day it was my Dad. I said "Dad.. whats funny about this is we are staying in a hotel tonight together.. but if I was drinking, i'd be whining about wanting to lay up in the bar all night and take a taxi to the hotel. Now I'm ok with going to bed at 9:30". Stories like that are almost a daily routine in my life. Every day, and I mean literally every day, I find something new and exciting about my life that was just absolute **** in my previous life.

Oh I like that...that is so open...I'm such an isolator and hiding all the time...I think I might try and put that in my routine as well. I've been very open this time with alot of people and have realized some others are recovering alcs as well...pretty amazing.

Like others have said, you can't win this fight. The only way to beat it, is to surrender or cease fighting.

My pattern of quitting sounds similar to you. I would at some point hit a bottom, get some resolve that this was the last time. Start working out, eating healthy and not drinking. A few days would pass and the shame and guilt of the most recent bender would disappear and I would finally feel decent again. A few more days would pass and I would start to get a little tired of "playing by the rules" - the job, the kids, the not drinking, the exercise, and I would need a release. I would then remember that I quit and say "those days are over". I would then feel even worse. A few more days would pass and I was ready to freaking kill something or somebody. I would feel this huuuuuge void in the pit of my soul that needed to be filled. And I would then make a decision that it's time to drink again. Nevermind the shame, self loathing, embarrasement that drinking caused. No, no... I would only think of what booze would do FOR me, never what it's done TO me.

I would then say "F-it"!!!! "It was a good run while it lasted, but it will be different this time". "I won't drink that stuff, at that time, with those people"! I would normally start slow, probably beer only. Then I'd be out with some friends, and maybe do a shot or two with my beers, soon I'm drinking whiskey alone like I always do - waiting for the next bottom to get me sober...

Sound familiar to anyone? It's called alcoholism. A mental obsession followed by a physical craving more. Groundhog day! Over and over with no end.

There are four options for an alcoholic. 1. Jail 2. Hospitals 3. Death 4. Recovery. That's it. If you are alcoholic you can pick from those four. Sorry that drinking happily isn't on the list. If it was, that's exactly what I'd be doing.

Get into recovery and stop watching reruns of your life. If I can do this, anyone can!

I wish you the best!!!!

Re:So tired of wanting to be sober...