currygod

I'm not sure whether this is really appropriate for this forum...

but meh... I really do wonder why I seem to step out of my way just to make things difficult for myself...

I mean, through lazyness there is no way I will get a degree. I am 25 now so I guess this year was really my last shot... and I kinda signed up as an external student as I dropped out last year because I was just drunk ALL the time.

However, even after being given this chance I just drank my way through it... now I stopped drinking beginning of this february - over half way through my course and still didn't do any work - i havent opened a book yet and the exams are in a month - plus I have some overdue essays which I have barely started.

anyway - why do I do this to myself? my parents think I am 'resitting the year' they are gunna be pretty shocked at my dismal failure thats coming up... and I'm probably completely unemployable as I now have about 2 years on my CV where I have done NOTHING except waste chance after chance presented to me...

but I seem to behave like this with alot of things... I mean a couple of months back I just went through this phrase where I was eating the most unhealthy food imaginable with an attitude of 'I really do not give a ****'.

Then kinda thinking 'this is really foolish' and kinda stopping..

I know this is a rant rather than a question but I guess I just had to get it out as I have no one to talk to..

So I guess I will turn it into a question - why am I such a fuckwit?

suki44883

I could be wrong, but you sound depressed to me. Have you seen a doctor about it? Not having any desire to do anything could very well be depression. It's quite common in early sobriety.

Supercrew

Or you could just be a lazy procrastinator who needs a kick in the ass because no one ever taught you responsibility when you were younger.

Don't get me wrong, I have been in your seat, but then I became responsible for a family and then I wished I would have worked harder when I was your age.

You are laying the foundation for a stressful unrewarding future. But we all learn from our mistakes....too bad it is after we made the initial mistake of procrastination and feeling sorry for ourselves that we learn what a big mistake it was.

recycle

My self destructive actions (or in actions) are taken out of fear. Screwing something up is a good way to force something to happen without making a decision. I don't like this job/marriage/school so I don't apply myself. Time passes and the ca-ca hits the fan hits the ventilator and bang things change. Each and every time I have done this it is out of fear. Fear of taking responsibility. Fear of living life as if something actually depended on my actions.

CarolD

I don't know but I think therapy could benefit you.

LaFemme

Agreed!

When I quit drinking my life was a shambles...by working with a coach and staying sober I am putting it back together. It doesn't happen overnight though. Why not finish those papers?

cabledude

I found that treating procrastination as a useful tool to handle life didn't pan out. The stuff I decided not to do never went away for a moment. The things we don't do are always there, the only (only) way to remove them is to do them.

Time to do yourself a favor and start growing up.

azureseas

Thanks for the post currygod.
Wow recycle thanks for the reply, major aha for me, that's exactly what I do, hadn't put that together before

MrDavid

Thanks currygod for sharing.

You can start by removing the word ****wit from your vocabulary, since negativity, of any kind, can breed contempt. May I also suggest a good study counselor, “who can help you develop strategies for improving and enriching your academic experience”. This might be another phase you’re going through and I suggest you try "alternative counseling" to help support your emotional and physical well being.

I’m not an expert here and I certainly do not carry the necessary credentials to qualify as one; so I suggest you seek good counsel "first" before embarking on any ambitious campaign. One thing this recovering alcoholic has learned “from his experiences” throughout my sobriety and something I feel is worth mentioning, and that is this: Don’t let anyone or anything stand in the way of your success, and never allow anyone to rent space in your head, regardless of the situation. Those thoughts are only reserved your most prized possessions and the dreams that will ultimately define who we really are –one day at a time.

~God bless~

ste

I can think of at least two scenarios.

1) You really don't want it.

2) You like the pressure (adrenaline) of an almost impossible deadline.

Given your past experience, think 1) is probable.

Like Recycle said, you can make a decision by not making a decision.

currygod

Thanks for your inputs people - alot of them were pretty useful However, some were very critical without really offering anything back - do you not think I know I ****** up? that was the whole point of my post..

I guess I was expecting an input on how to rememedy the situation rather than people who seem quite bitter looking for a chance to have a dig. Not to worry, I found it quite amusing, especially given this board is based around morally dubious behaviour - people in glass houses and all that...

MsCooterBrown

I read your response..then went back and re-read the other responses. I have dropped my stones and have my hands in the air.

What a waste of your parents money to put you through school when you are really not into it. First thing ..I think I would just say..college is not for me right now. But have a plan B ready. You will have to find some way to find a job. I don't get to roll over and hit the snooze because I really don't feel like going to work..you will have to find a new attitude to live. It all boils down to not focusing on the negative but instead find something you DO want to do. If it isn't college you will have to find some way to earn money. I just don't want to think of you quitting everything..hanging out in the basement of your parents house with them supporting you the rest of their lives. If you take that route..you will just be screwing yourself and making them miserable.
BUT tell them NO MORE SCHOOL...don't waste any more of their hard earned money.

Fandy

if there is no way you can salvage the courses you signed up for now, you might want to just stop school and go out and get a job.

Tell your parents what is going on and pay them back for wasting their $$.

I think perhaps if you are FORCED to earn money and become responsible school might look attractive...then you can take out a student loan , pay for it yourself and go back.

you can doctor up your CV with your personal statement and use the 2 years of no progress by claiming illness.

I agree that therapy and finding out the reason why you self-sabotage is key to helping you....we all have those days when The Phuckits come to our house and it is best to kick them out quickly because they take over all of our precious time.

currygod

I will have to speak to my personal tutor on Monday to see if there is anything I can do to still get this degree - I suppose I could say I have had an epihany and realise what needs to be done. Maybe all this yelling at me was beneficial afterall... tho I have a horrible feeling it's just gunna be 'too little too late'.

oh and I know I asked for opinions so it would be silly of me to get mad or anything for you voicing yours thoughts but just for your reassurance I do have a student loan so if I am wasting anybodies money then it is my own. I hope this makes you happier. Maybe you should have checked this with me initially rather than making assumptions...

MsCooterBrown

" Maybe you should have checked this with me initially rather than making assumptions... "

Uh yeah..this is the first time in my MONTHS of posting on SR that I have removed a thanks. Attitude adjustment time....

Perhaps it is YOUR money you are wasting but when you find it hard to find employment because of YOUR attitude and are parked in your parents basement until you are 40 it then becomes THEIR problem.

TwelveSteps

It's sad that so many people are bashing someone asking for help. We needed help once, too -- otherwise we wouldn't be here.

GG

Fandy

sorry you are feeling resentful, but you really might benefit from leaving school for a while and getting a job that teaches you responsibility, (and politeness) patience and offers you insurance that can help to pay for counciling. many of the posters here have wonderful experience, degrees and can't get a job to support their families in this stressed economy.

Supercrew

Sorry if I hurt your feelings CG, but I am putting a 23 year old son through school and he is also working 40 hours a week. I am making sure he moves forward in life

You call yourself a a lazy **** wit that hasn't drank since February yet has sat on your butt and done nothing for over a month. If your parents aren't financing your education why would they care if it takes another year?

I just reiterated what I read in your post, and told you there will be a price to pay....I know I paid a similar for about 15 years of my life because of bad decisions I made at your age. Get off the PS3 and get to work.

AmericanGirl

Currygod,

I held myself back when I was drinking -- intense self-criticism put me in a cycle where I virtually had to mess up my life over and over to get a "hit" to the part of me that thrived on that self-criticism. This is a normal phenomenon: low self-esteem. Low self-esteem, although it seems hard to understand at first, is actually a positive reward system in which negative thoughts serve to create a sense of "what's right" in a person. So, the more you think "I'm a f-up" the more it is a comfort for you to think "I'm a f-up."

Although I do think we should all be accountable for our actions, the things that put this cycle into place are rarely of our own choosing. Early experiences seem to form this . . .

A counselor helped me break the vicious cycle by recognizing it. I no longer reward the part of me that used to get off on thinking bad things about myself. It's a regular struggle . . . old habits die hard.

glad you're here.

FrothyJay

Have you considered the possibility that you are an alcoholic, and do you understand that just not drinking doesn't cure that? We fight depression, anxiety-related disorders, all sorts of stuff-- and now that you aren't drinking, all that stuff is front and center and loud.

I was easily overwhelmed while I was in college, and usually drank to calm the panic. But it was hard to get work done while I was drunk. It was an ugly cycle.

So, I completely identify with how you feel, and I know that lectures about your work ethic are ineffective.

You need some help to create some momentum in the right direction. You're paralyzed.

Feel free to private message me if I can be of help.