What to say to someone who approaches you about their drinking problem??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Bali, Indonesia
Posts: 645
What to say to someone who approaches you about their drinking problem??
When I first gave up drinking, my father warned me about various responses id get from friends when telling them about my choice to abstain: most would be supportive, some would try to convince me my drinking wasnt a problem, giving the old mind over matter lectures etc. Lastly he said that particularly after id abstained for a while, many people with drinking problems would come forward wanting to talk about their own drinking patterns/problems etc. This happens quite a lot now, and im frequently at a loss at what to say. As someone who doesnt attend AA, its not as simple as offering to take them to a meeting. I frequently recommend SR, and tell many that normal drinkers dont question whether or not their drinking is a problem. I'm hesitant to speak about my own traumatic past, as many simply note the differences and convince themselves they dont have a problem.
I realise its a pretty broad question, but what do you say when someone approaches you about their concern for their own drinking?
I realise its a pretty broad question, but what do you say when someone approaches you about their concern for their own drinking?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: chico, ca
Posts: 321
Ainsley, good question. I've been sober for 6 1/2 years and the more people who knew me back then, and find I am still sober, are amazed. Those who have found alcohol to be a problem in their own lives do ask sometimes what I've done. I tell the truth. Not by any means the gorry details, but the truth. Alcohol and I don't get along. I have an allergy, I break out in handcuffs. I try to keep it light. I did get and have stayed sober with AA, but there are many paths to continueous sobriety including SR. Some will and some wont understand. I think what interest my friends is the change in behavior they see. Attraction rather than promotion. Have fun being sober and others will become interested. Hope that helped
Strive to be alive!
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Better place than where I came from
Posts: 549
Ainsle maybe you could tell your friends about SR and let them hear the ideas of others that have been where we have and let them make the decision for themselves. I've told many of my new AA friends and others I share with about the forum. It could wind up being their first step to sharing in your success. Or at least plant a seed to maybe continue to seek help. No preaching just a seed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
I haven't had any one approach me for help yet so I can't give you any sound advice. I'm probably too early in recovery for that. Although your post reminded me of a somewhat annoying pattern with the close friends I've confided in about my alcohol issues. I will usually just say that "alcohol was becoming way too important in my life so I've decided to quit drinking." This has triggered so many people to ramble on and on to me all the reasons they don't have alcohol issues. Not that I can diagnose others, but I always think hmmmm....people whose drinking is not problematic do not usually go on and on about why they don't have drinking issues.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
I have had 6 people approach me and they were all a little different. But each inquired the same way, "Man SC you look great, so you don't drink at all anymore?" Then I say something funny like no I got the tedinitus, I was bending my elbow too much for too long, and decided life is better for me without it.
Then they all said, I've been thinking about that, was it hard?
Each person was different, but all are at a minimum heavy drinkers. 3 were drinking while we were talking and the other 3 were not, I kept it light a couple asked if I was in AA, and I said "that's anonymous....but no". But I told each of them to feel free to contact me if they needed help. One guy did call me out of the blue, and I could tell he was looking for help, but then changed the subject and it ended there. I haven't heard from him in a while, so I think I will call him tomorrow.
2 of the guys I see daily, and they just complement the heck out of me, but haven't asked anything else. It's funny because I am at a point now that I feel comfortable enough to talk about it.
So I try to keep it light, but offer help if necessary, and if they need me they know how to get in touch.
Then they all said, I've been thinking about that, was it hard?
Each person was different, but all are at a minimum heavy drinkers. 3 were drinking while we were talking and the other 3 were not, I kept it light a couple asked if I was in AA, and I said "that's anonymous....but no". But I told each of them to feel free to contact me if they needed help. One guy did call me out of the blue, and I could tell he was looking for help, but then changed the subject and it ended there. I haven't heard from him in a while, so I think I will call him tomorrow.
2 of the guys I see daily, and they just complement the heck out of me, but haven't asked anything else. It's funny because I am at a point now that I feel comfortable enough to talk about it.
So I try to keep it light, but offer help if necessary, and if they need me they know how to get in touch.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Ainsley,
You could suggest resources such as their Employee Assistance Program. Also, I know (and respect the fact) that you are not a fan of AA, but it is available almost everywhere, and is a huge help to a lot of people. You could always tell them that although you don't find the approach helpful to you, lots of other people do.
The important thing is to get some immediate help--fine-tuning can usually wait until later. I think most alcoholics have a small window that opens from time to time when they are thinking actively about quitting drinking. I think it's important to act when you feel that way, before you start rationalizing it away.
You could suggest resources such as their Employee Assistance Program. Also, I know (and respect the fact) that you are not a fan of AA, but it is available almost everywhere, and is a huge help to a lot of people. You could always tell them that although you don't find the approach helpful to you, lots of other people do.
The important thing is to get some immediate help--fine-tuning can usually wait until later. I think most alcoholics have a small window that opens from time to time when they are thinking actively about quitting drinking. I think it's important to act when you feel that way, before you start rationalizing it away.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
I have a friend who asked me how I quit...I explained to her it was more than just "quitting" it's a complete transformation...I suggested if she was serious about sobriety to try meetings, get a counselor and read all you can about recovery...and pray...
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Bali, Indonesia
Posts: 645
Thanks for the suggestions...
Lexie, just to clarify - its not that i'm not a fan of AA, much of the AA ideology has helped me stay sober. What im not a fan of is closedmindedness, which unfortunately some AA members seem to suffer from. Different strokes for different folks, many seem to have a hard time believing that because AA was the only thing that worked for them, that others cant live happily sober through other means.
Lexie, just to clarify - its not that i'm not a fan of AA, much of the AA ideology has helped me stay sober. What im not a fan of is closedmindedness, which unfortunately some AA members seem to suffer from. Different strokes for different folks, many seem to have a hard time believing that because AA was the only thing that worked for them, that others cant live happily sober through other means.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 323
Originally Posted by Ainslie 
I realise its a pretty broad question, but what do you say when someone approaches you about their concern for their own drinking?
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
The reading in the 24hrs a Day book spoke to this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hours-day.html
Monday, April 4, 2011
When I came into A.A., I found men and women who had been through the same things I had been through. But now they were thinking more about how they could help others than they were about themselves. They were a lot more unselfish than I ever was. By coming to meetings and associating with them, I began to think a little less about myself and a little more about other people. I also learned that I didn't have to depend on myself alone to get out of the mess I was in. I could get a greater strength than my own. Am I now depending less on myself and more on God?
Meditation for the Day
You cannot help others unless you understand the person you are trying to help. To understand the problems and temptations of others, you must have been through them yourself. You must do all you can to understand others. You must study their backgrounds, their likes and dislikes, their reactions and their prejudices. When you see their weaknesses, do not confront the person with them. Share your own weaknesses, sins, and temptations and let other people find their own convictions.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may serve as a channel for God's power to come into the lives of others. I pray that I may try to understand them.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hours-day.html
Monday, April 4, 2011
When I came into A.A., I found men and women who had been through the same things I had been through. But now they were thinking more about how they could help others than they were about themselves. They were a lot more unselfish than I ever was. By coming to meetings and associating with them, I began to think a little less about myself and a little more about other people. I also learned that I didn't have to depend on myself alone to get out of the mess I was in. I could get a greater strength than my own. Am I now depending less on myself and more on God?
Meditation for the Day
You cannot help others unless you understand the person you are trying to help. To understand the problems and temptations of others, you must have been through them yourself. You must do all you can to understand others. You must study their backgrounds, their likes and dislikes, their reactions and their prejudices. When you see their weaknesses, do not confront the person with them. Share your own weaknesses, sins, and temptations and let other people find their own convictions.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may serve as a channel for God's power to come into the lives of others. I pray that I may try to understand them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 259
Now that I have over three months of not drinking peoples reactions have evolved as have I during this process.
At first I had very similar reactions as most mention above, my hard drinking friends said I wasn't that "bad" and convinced them selves I was going through a phase. Most were supportive, one even quit drinking with me (and is still sober), and are still to this day.
As time went on my drinking buddies starting asking "how long are you going to do this for" and "What are you trying to accomplish" or "when are you going to stop this exercise".
Then the questioning of oneself's own behavior became very apparent to me. People would ask me if I thought they had a problem? I would ask them if they thought I had a problem before I stopped, everyone of them said "No!". Then I say "then I am not the right person to ask". That typically shuts them up for a while, but not for long. It is going to happen. I too do not go to AA because of its all or nothing attitude, in these situations. I have decided not drink, my friends have not and if they are a functioning drunk and have no issues with it then "good for them" I am not going to force my will upon them, in turn they are not going to force their will upon me. But if they ask for help help, I will share what has worked for me and offer to be there to listen anytime they need.
In the end my true friends who genuinely care about me, have all been supportive but have looked for some insight on why and how I came to this decision. I respond " I wans't happy with they way things were going and needed a change and it has been working for me, there are no time lines or objectives other than a better quality of life.
It is new and uncharted water for both us and them..
At first I had very similar reactions as most mention above, my hard drinking friends said I wasn't that "bad" and convinced them selves I was going through a phase. Most were supportive, one even quit drinking with me (and is still sober), and are still to this day.
As time went on my drinking buddies starting asking "how long are you going to do this for" and "What are you trying to accomplish" or "when are you going to stop this exercise".
Then the questioning of oneself's own behavior became very apparent to me. People would ask me if I thought they had a problem? I would ask them if they thought I had a problem before I stopped, everyone of them said "No!". Then I say "then I am not the right person to ask". That typically shuts them up for a while, but not for long. It is going to happen. I too do not go to AA because of its all or nothing attitude, in these situations. I have decided not drink, my friends have not and if they are a functioning drunk and have no issues with it then "good for them" I am not going to force my will upon them, in turn they are not going to force their will upon me. But if they ask for help help, I will share what has worked for me and offer to be there to listen anytime they need.
In the end my true friends who genuinely care about me, have all been supportive but have looked for some insight on why and how I came to this decision. I respond " I wans't happy with they way things were going and needed a change and it has been working for me, there are no time lines or objectives other than a better quality of life.
It is new and uncharted water for both us and them..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
Originally Posted by Ainslie
... but what do you say when someone approaches you about their concern for their own drinking?
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