polaris

Is this a common phenomenon? Its been happening for atleast a few years now where I have drank myself ridiculously ill, and whatever else, yet...want more. Im drunk and tired now-I want to be sober, yet...I want to drink more at the same time! Ive had those times where I have been seriously hungover and ill...but still felt this overwhelming urge to drink more despite all of that.

I go my days without drinking (Im more of a binge drinker, not an everyday one-never had DTs or any of that), and then I think that gives me some sort of hubris. I know I shouldnt attempt to tame it anymore. Its made me sick and feel awful, and Ive sworn off it so many times before to no avail.

My dad is an alcoholic, and nearly died from pancreatitis before I was born. Im surprised I havent experienced any serious health effects thus far- alcohol is damaging to damn near your entire body.

I feel sick, yet I want MORE. Father Martin said the "insanity of the alcoholic" is being sober and picking up the first drink.

I dont know why I want to continually insist on tempting fate with that first drink. It makes no logical sense. I have a problem with notstalgia as of late (is that a sign of depression?)...for a lot of reasons, but that includes the nostalgia for all the good times with the drink (I should remember all the bad times!) so it can be fearful to consider giving it up. Alcoholics have selective memories ofcourse! I we could OBJECTIVELY reflect on all the negatives of our drinking then giving up alcohol would be such an obvious and simple choice.

Something just isnt quite right Im afraid.

Mark75

I remember feeling like that... it was just easier to drink, get 'er done as they say, get on with it... it's inevitable anyway, yah know??

It doesn't have to be like that, I found out...

Don't wait until you are nearly, or actually, dead... there is a solution.

NYCDoglvr

You're describing me before I got sober. I know I'm an alcoholic because I couldn't stop drinking. When I picked up a drink -- and swore I would only have one drink -- I couldn't stop. No problem no drinking. In AA-speak, we're powerless over alcohol. We can not drink but when we do, we can't stop.

Non-alcoholics have different brains ... they can easily have one drink and not think about it again. When they start to feel high, they stop. I'm not capable of that.

Opivotal

Hi Polaris, I guess its the nature of the disease. I would drink even when the alcohol made me sick. I'm SO thankful I got off the merry-go-round. Our organs can only take so much. I got tired of trying to justify my drinking even though I was slowly killing myself. I hope you look into some kind of recovery program. You can stop!

Best Wishes to You

DayTrader

Yep.....that's how alcoholism rolls. Crazy, isn't it?

Yanno..... normal drinkers don't ever do that - and they certainly don't do it repeatedly. Heavy drinkers and alcoholics are the only ones - and they tend to do it a lot.

Welcome to the club.

There IS a solution.

BellaTeal

Yes, absolutely.
Sometimes a few drinks would turn into 5 day long binges and I remember just wanting it to be over. But I had no control over when I'd stop. All I could do was ride it out until "it" let me go...know what I mean? I remember thinking, "Please, God, I don't want to be drunk anymore. Please make it stop." 3 days later I was still drunk, sick and miserable. Oftentimes, I'd become suicidal during binges because I felt so incredibly helpless.

Thank God I'm still here and am on my 20th day sober.

Hooped

Very common.

No matter how determined I am there comes a point where against all better judgement and sane thinking I seem to cave to the desire to 'have a couple' and then its off to the races for days.

Lately though every time I fall off the wagon the benders are getting progressively worse.

My last one scared the daylights out of me. I lost all control of my bodily functions and it was like my whole digestive system and intestines were just shutting down.

I'm throwing myself into the AA program and looking for a sponsor to guide me through the steps. Nothing else Ive tried seems to work long term.

I'm the guy who got me into this mess. I'm fooling myself thinking I'm the guy to pull me out of it all by myself. Not gonna happen.

Ethos23

I felt like that. I would drink the next day because I didn't want to face the reality of having an entire day where I felt sick, couldn't think, was tired, and was still worring about normal life stuff. I would just put it off until tomorrow and then I would quit I thought.

LaFemme

Towards the end I felt I was forcing myself to drink. It took tremendous will power to force those drinks down my throat. I finally gave up. The sense of relief was tremendous. I know right where you are....hugs.

LaFemme

I believe I forced myself to drink because I hated myself. Now I love myself and cannoy fathom drinking again.

tooling

First you are not a fool to try and do it yourself Hooped. I did it and i was screwed up. I quoted you because there were a couple times I felt my digestive system stopped. And it was the most horrible feeling. I was trying to eat at a restaurant the next day and I couldn't hardly swallow a bite.

To the OP and all..

Drinking is like being in quicksand. You just keep going down and down and down.

When you stop drinking you have to pull yourself up out of the quicksand with your hands with anything you can grab onto. Once you grab it don't let go until you have something else to grab onto and keep pulling.

And of course if you stop grabbing for leverage to get out you must have grabbed a drink instead.

nancyj

Most of the times I've stopped before were because of how bad I felt waking up some morning. What I'm realizing is avoidance of feeling like sh*t is not enough motivation for me to stay quit. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the only way I'm gonna stay quit is if I accept... realy and truly to the core of my being accept... the reality that is staring me in the face... I am am alcoholic and I will never, ever, ever be able to drink in moderation. Therefore I cannot drink at all.

Toronto68

Polaris, what you described sounds almost "textbook" in nature when we think of addiction. And that dual drive to go away from and toward more drinking is really familiar - over a long stretch of time but in a pointed way during the last year of my drinking. The disgust and "forcing yourself" thing that LaFemme and I have talked about before was there. That meant being afraid what was going to happen during the final bites of a meal sometimes, because there was some kind of connection in my mind to the times I would gag after too much to drink. A lot of times there would be a row of half-finished beers that I would find. That's not just drunken goofing up. I think that was also in some cases me resuming the "effort" after opting to cut it out during the "episode" I was going through.

So, yes, alcohol addiction is one way of specializing in craving to do more of what you don't want to do. The problem is that it's interspersed with the bits of knowledge that it has (or had) its desirability. But I guess the further a person goes, the less desirable it can be and it's more along the lines of that drinking no matter what.

I was different from you because I became an everyday drinker. I changed from the party mode (which went from social to personal/solitary partying) frequency and it became chronic and every day. It wasn't an overnight thing, but I can pinpoint the time when that frequency change happened (somewhere between Fall 1995 and Spring 1996), and it was almost like a Wall of change. But that difference in methods of using alcohol doesn't mean the psychological and physical effects are all that different, anymore than whisky vs lite beer make a difference.

I don't necessarily have instructions on how to quit, but the absence of the first drink is something that stands out and repeating that absence of drinking until it is habit-forming. There are a lot of things to draw upon when it comes to quitting and staying that way, and as you know, lots of those different ways are described here.

newby1961

I would suggest reading a few of the Chapters in the Big Book because it describes everything you just said in the chapters There is a solution & More about Alcoholism. I know there is a link on here somewhere? Does anyone know where or how to read the literature on-line?

Keep coming back and they told me bring the body and the mind will follow.

:day2 Bella 20 days sober

MsCooterBrown

I think the way "it" sneaks up on you is that you do get sick of being sick..only way to feel better is to keep drinking. I have hung in like a trooper for years..finally figured out that I was slowly killing myself. And it did kill 2 people very close to me in 2010. I haven't felt as good as I do now for years. No looking back. I finally got rid of my "anxiety" that was fueled by alcohol. I can no longer think of anything FUN about drinking..it represents pure hell for me. I wish you well!

tooling

I used to think because I had a good diet and ate decent food low in fat that i could drink into my old age without any health problems. I thought that I could be a successful drunk. Little did I know my body was having nothing of it and soon it gave me a choice to either quit or begin having serious health problems.

Jabbadabutt

It is an addiction. You body and brain needs the alcohol now. If you want help, get help.

Sugah

I was going to suggest (and will suggest) Chapter 11, "A Vision for You." It talks about the "jumping-off place," which sounds like where you are.

You can read the Big Book online at aa.org.

Peace & Love,
Sugah