BellaTeal

...in the face, preferably.
Today is my 18th day sober-the longest time without a drink since...maybe 1.5-2 years? I'm feeling great physically, but my mind is a mess. I want to drink. It's always on my mind regardless of my mood. Bad day or good day, it doesn't matter. I know I will drink again in the future. Honestly, I miss the feeling of being drunk. Drinking has brought me so much pain and yet I want to do it. It makes no sense. What else do I have to lose before I get it through my thick skull that I CANNOT DRINK ANYMORE. What will it take for me to really want recovery?

I don't want to throw away my 18 days. I battled for every one of 18 those days. I'm proud of those 18 days. At the same time, I want to drink. Badly.
The obsession is eating me alive and eventually I'll give in. It happens every single time.

I go to meetings every day, I talk to my sponsor and I go to my IOP...I do everything I'm supposed to be doing but nothing is helping. In AA they say the obsession to drink goes away after working the steps...but I'm still working on step 1. Sometimes I still have issues with denial which, giving my history, is ludicrous. But it's there. I'll admit I'm an alcoholic and then briefly wonder if it's just a phase or I'll think that since I don't have a very long
drinking history and I didn't drink as much as some ohers that maybe, just maybe there's a chance that I'll be able to drink in the future without repercussions. It's like I can't help but to compare myself to others.
When people say they drank for 10, 20, 30 years, honestly a part of me feels jealous that they got to drink for so long.

I think, I'm only 21. I've been waiting to turn 21 for 7 years. After such a long wait, I should be making the most of it. Now that I'm out of school until at least September, I should be using this time to drink as much as I can or else I'm just wasting my time off. As the days go by, I become more and more convinced that drinking during my time off is the only logical thing to do. Besides, everyone drinks a lot in their 20s so obviously I'd be wasting my 20s by not drinking.
How sick is that?
And that's not even close to half of the crap and warped thinking that runs through my brain all the time.

They say you have to be "ready" to get sober. I'm probably not ready, but why? Why am I so conflicted? And how do you become "ready"?

I am incredibly frustrated with myself.

Anna

No, everyone doesn't drink in their twenties.

And, something else to do when you're 21 would be to work hard on your education and finding a career that you will enjoy to work at for many years.

It could be that you're not ready. To be honest, it doesn't sound like you're ready which is likely why the obsession remains. For me, I had to know that drinking was no longer an option, ever, and then I began to recover.

Rift

you would not be wasting your 20's if you drink...seriously. You may think so, but what exactly are you supposedly missing?

You are "missing" drama, hangovers, wasted days/mornings/nights, possible jail, DUI, fights, ect. That would be all that you are missing. It ain't missing much IMO.

Use your time wisely if you can. Figure out ways to make yourself better and improve your life. Education or find your career path. Don't make the same mistakes I did through my 20's.....

I wasted a huge chunk of my days getting drunk and recovering from being drunk through my 20's.

DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE WITH YOUR TIME AND GET A BETTER LIFE!

gr8ful42day

You asked for it.

Creekryder

Could you, Belle, read slowly what you posted. Is that all you want to do for living the next few months is drink?? Are you aware of what alcohol does on a cellular level? Do you know you would be setting the stage for a greater dependence on alcohol? Unfortunately, in our teens and twenties, we believe we are bullet-proof and invincible. It usually takes years, if we are lucky enough to live through some of the hell we put our bodies through, before we see we are indeed the opposite. How thin the thread of life is and how fragile we indeed, really are.
Think twice, my young friend, and try to see how you tempt the tiger with not only your hand, but your life.

gr8ful42day

Brings me to this again, peeps have been fighting this since the beginning of time:
Romans 7:14-24
14 We know that the Law is spiritual; but I am a mortal, sold as a slave to sin.
15 I do not understand what I do; for I don't do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate.
16 Since what I do is what I don't want to do, this shows that I agree that the Law is right.
17 So I am not really the one who does this thing; rather it is the sin that lives in me.
18 I know that good does not live in me - that is, in my human nature. For even though the desire to do good is in me, I am not able to do it.
19 I don't do the good I want to do; instead, I do the evil that I do not want to do.
20 If I do what I don't want to do, this means that I am no longer the one who does it; instead, it is the sin that lives in me.
21 So I find that this law is at work: when I want to do what is good, what is evil is the only choice I have.
22 My inner being delights in the law of God.
23 But I see a different law at work in my body - a law that fights against the law which my mind approves of. It makes me a prisoner to the law of sin which is at work in my body.
24 What an unhappy man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is taking me to death?

Another thing, in rehab they taught us YET=You are eligible too. If you pick up that first drink it will snowball, guaranteed. I thought in rehab 'dang how did these people lose their homes, cars, kids, jobs, etc from drinking, that will never happen to me"...YET...after rehab I picked up again...it snowballed, lost my home, custody, cars, and my best friend was killed in accident in my car. Don't pick up that first drink. Research how to stay out of relapse, please. I don't want you to suffer as I have. Remember, YET!

Reset

First of all you'll be wasting your 20's BY drinking, not the reverse. I wish I could go back and re-do my 20's. I'd have a better family life, be healthier, be richer and be much farther ahead in my career. Your thinking is backwards on this, please trust me.

Second, something that really helped me get over the cravings is the Four Noble Truths. I'm not trying to push a particular way of living on you but this stuff really did help me get a hold of myself and regain perspective. Google it if you're interested.

Good luck and hang in there. Don't throw away those 18 days!

Ethos23

Bella:

Do you have any other hobbies? Are you into any sports or working out? That provides me with a terriffic outlet. I feel so good after a hard workout that I have no desire to drink. Im young too, so I know the pressures and the stigma that goes with being young and feeling that you "should" drink because it is what people do. PM me if you need at any time.

keithj

Let's not over complicate this whole thing.
That sounds a whole lot like Step 1 to me. You know the pain drinking causes you, and you know that you are going to drink again. Do you know that there is no way out of this mess? Great. Step 1 is done. I would sit down with my sponsor and go through the Dr.'s Opinion and first 3 Chapters just to be thorough, but then it's done.

OK, do you believe that something (anything) can save you? Are you willing to believe it? OK, Step 2 done. Look at the requirements in Chapter 4.

Can you decide unflinchingly to go through with this thing? Are you convinced that running your own life is not working out all that great? Can you be open-minded to trust that this process has worked for countless others just like you? Alrighty. On your knees for the 3rd Step prayer.

Next, or at once, start writing those first 3 columns of all the people and things that pi$$ you off.

18 days is about 17 too many before starting the Steps. Surrender ain't rocket science. My short version looks like: 'I can not do this and I'm fu**ed with a capital F and I'm beat and I'm tired and I can't go on any more like this. But deep within, I believe that it worked for you people, so I'm willing to believe it can work for me. I decide to trust it and take a chance, and I start writing inventory.'

Bikeguy

I started drinking in my 20's, it was fun and it was the thing to do to be in the "in" crowd. The more I drank the more "in" I was or so I thought. Now here I sit in my 40's and have a hard time remembering much about my 30's, those things that are hazy are my kids being born and growing up. I can't go back and get a do over but I can change my life from this point on and that is what I've decided to do. I hope for your sake and your futures sake you make the decision to change sooner than later.

doggonecarl

Bella, at 18 days sober I was crawling the walls to drink. Missed being drunk, even a little, and tried every conceivable trick to convince myself that I didn't have a problem I couldn't handle if I just approached it differently.

I didn't drink. And 18 turned to 19, then 20, until the obsession to drink and the longing to get drunk was replaced by the clarity of sobriety. Give yourself time to adjust to being sober. Drink and you will lose every step you've gained. They may not be so easily gained the next time.

Ethos23

I agree 100%. What you have at 18 days may take months or even years to re-attempt and the result may not be as favorable. Keep going, you're doing great!!

Dee74

Hi Bella

I drank for 20 years - I just wanted to let you know you have absolutely nothing to be jealous of.

If I could speak to my 20something self I would say...

I know you're scared about life and all the things you have to do.

I know that drinking seems to offer an easy escape and a release from all that.

But the price is too high. Your addiction will try and destroy you.

You're stronger than you ever give yourself credit for.

Face your fears now - use the support you have...

live your life, don't destroy it.

D

AW2486

I can vividly remember the first few months of sobriety. 18 yrs old and scared to death to drink and at the same time wanting to so badly. I had one foot in AA and other foot was in the old hangouts with crowd I drank with. Then I turned 19 .. yippee !! I can go into bars !! and that's where I went, to shoot pool of course, and hang with friends and drink pop. The longer I was there the thirstier I got. I wanted to drink !! somehow.. I ended up not drinking, leaving and never looking back. The obsession was removed that day, along with all the other stuff that goes along with it. Leaving the whole scene, and not wanting to go back. I don't know how it happened. I look at it as God's Grace. I didn't need AA anymore. I wanted AA. I was 60 days sober at the time.

I see miracles happen everyday in AA. I hope you hang around for it to happen.

Andy

jch116

I so wish I would have had as much insight to my alcoholism at your age as you do. Believe me you are NOT wasting your twenties if you don't drink. I drank off and on throughout my twenties and I wish I could have those years back again. I was a half-available parent and did not accomplish half of what I could have. If I had quit then my children would never have seen me drunk. Instead they wondered each night if I would be drunk, sober or too hungover to really be there. You are missing out on absolutely nothing by not drinking, except the hangovers, wasted days that turn into years, and the the toll drinking takes on your health. You are doing great, keep working your program and be kind to yourself.

Supercrew

I had some serious drinking issues in my 20's and before, but there was no way I was gonna stop, or even look for help. I liked it too much, and it hadn't caused me enough pain yet.

You won't stop drinking until you want to. In my 20's it wasn't an option for me. It took 27 years to finally want to quit drinking. Until you want to quit it probably isn't going to happen through AA or any other program.

spqr

I've wasted the majority of my 20s drunk. Know what I have to show for it.. nothing. Just an empty bank balance, no job, no life. I can count the good memories on one hand, i'd fill a warehouse with the bad. Do yourself a favour and find something else to do with your time.

CarolD

Dedicate this off time from school to help others
many places need volunteers.

Since you are an alcoholic in recovery....I'd suggest go
work with DV centers..homeless shelters...soup kitchens.

Go take a first hand look at what untreated alcholism does.
Know that you too can make a contribution even if it's just
a smile..a hug...a listening ear....

Yes...AA is the Steps..move forward on those too.

BellaTeal

Like I said, these are really warped thoughts. I'm not an idiot. I know they aren't true. I know they're utter crap. I know I will die if I keep drinking.
Problem is, these thoughts are incessant and part of me actually believes them. It's driving me crazy. Also, drinking is the only way I know how to shut them up, if only for a little while.
I don't want to drink but I don't know how else to make it stop.

I really wanted to go to the liquor store on the way home from my IOP but I left my money at home, thank God. I came home and I am not allowing myself to leave and am keeping myself distracted until all the stores are closed. So far this has been working.

NobleCause

For whatever reason, days 16, 17, 18, and 19 were quite possibly the toughest for me in terms of the obsession - I actually posted here in the middle of the night on Day 17 when I was driving myself up the walls with thoughts very similar to the ones you describe. (http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-insanity.html)

You write above:
I wrote:
I only point this out because after I posted, I followed some of the advice I got here, stuck it out without drinking, and am now at Day 37. Don't get me wrong - I'm still a total novice at this, I've got tons of work to do and I hit bumps not infrequently, but it's a completely different story than it was 20 days ago. Here's what's it's like now (post from last night):

Stick it out. If you keep at it and put the time and effort in, it will get easier. Impossible to believe when you're smack in the middle of it, I know, but it's true. I was completely ready to throw in the towel at Day 18, 19, 20... Very happy now that I didn't.