When will the desire leave me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fenway Park
Posts: 119
When will the desire leave me?
So here I am, I've strung some sober time together once again, 45 days this time. Still sober at the moment just to clarify. I still have the desire to drink. I have been going to meetings regularly in these past 45 days. I have been seeing a substance abuse counselor as well. I have not gotten a sponsor, however.
I know if I have one drink I will eventually return to daily drinking, whether it takes a week or a month. I will be exactly where I was 45 days ago, sick to my stomach, the direct cause of a torn family, unemployed, broke, and down right miserable. Yet my mind still manages to put those thoughts to the side when I consider drinking. Instead of thinking about the consequences I think about how I can get away with it. I think about what time of the day would be best to drink, when the house would be empty, how to dispose of the empty containers. I think to make sure I do a bunch of stuff around the house, to help draw any suspicion away from me. My family knows when I've been drinking. I sit and my room and don't leave, no showers, no chores, no errands, no contact. I think about how I can deceive them. Why is this?
Am I manipulating myself it to believing that I am one of those "unfortunates"?
I am afraid of the "bottom" theory. I believe I have certainly not hit my bottom, and thats sad. Here is what I've lost due to my alcohol use.
An excellent job, the trust of my dearest, the most wonderful partner I've ever had, the respect of my peers, former co workers and family. I've lost any respect and self confidence I ever had for myself.
Here is what I have gained. A criminal record, and nothing more.
Reading over what I am typing, the choice should be simple, never, ever drink again. Your past is a perfect example of what will continue to happen to you and worse if you drink. Why do I still consider alcohol an option. I still have the idea in my head, that one day I will drink again and all will be well.
I have been physically addicted to alcohol the majority of the last 6 years, and I believe in that time I mostly did not have a choice. Now, I am free of the living nightmare that is physical addiction, if I do drink all it will be is a poor choice, not a helpless alcoholic doing what we do.
I have all the information in the world, endless examples of what not to do, I've heard countless stories that only make me think, "thank god I am not that person, or I didn't have to go through that".
I know what will happen if I choose to drink again. I will be out of a home, and It would have likely been the last straw with some of the most resilient people I have ever known.
Why does the possibility of losing everything in my life that matters to me, not concern me AT ALL? Why is throwing everything away still an option to me? These are the questions that AA and counseling appear to be unable to answer for me. I will continue with my regular meeting schedule as usual, as I am still forming a network and still enjoy the meetings, despite this hole in my sober soul..
I post here because this is truly the only place I can express myself accurately, or a piece of paper I suppose. Whenever I speak I can never say what I truly mean and feel.
-Save
I know if I have one drink I will eventually return to daily drinking, whether it takes a week or a month. I will be exactly where I was 45 days ago, sick to my stomach, the direct cause of a torn family, unemployed, broke, and down right miserable. Yet my mind still manages to put those thoughts to the side when I consider drinking. Instead of thinking about the consequences I think about how I can get away with it. I think about what time of the day would be best to drink, when the house would be empty, how to dispose of the empty containers. I think to make sure I do a bunch of stuff around the house, to help draw any suspicion away from me. My family knows when I've been drinking. I sit and my room and don't leave, no showers, no chores, no errands, no contact. I think about how I can deceive them. Why is this?
Am I manipulating myself it to believing that I am one of those "unfortunates"?
I am afraid of the "bottom" theory. I believe I have certainly not hit my bottom, and thats sad. Here is what I've lost due to my alcohol use.
An excellent job, the trust of my dearest, the most wonderful partner I've ever had, the respect of my peers, former co workers and family. I've lost any respect and self confidence I ever had for myself.
Here is what I have gained. A criminal record, and nothing more.
Reading over what I am typing, the choice should be simple, never, ever drink again. Your past is a perfect example of what will continue to happen to you and worse if you drink. Why do I still consider alcohol an option. I still have the idea in my head, that one day I will drink again and all will be well.
I have been physically addicted to alcohol the majority of the last 6 years, and I believe in that time I mostly did not have a choice. Now, I am free of the living nightmare that is physical addiction, if I do drink all it will be is a poor choice, not a helpless alcoholic doing what we do.
I have all the information in the world, endless examples of what not to do, I've heard countless stories that only make me think, "thank god I am not that person, or I didn't have to go through that".
I know what will happen if I choose to drink again. I will be out of a home, and It would have likely been the last straw with some of the most resilient people I have ever known.
Why does the possibility of losing everything in my life that matters to me, not concern me AT ALL? Why is throwing everything away still an option to me? These are the questions that AA and counseling appear to be unable to answer for me. I will continue with my regular meeting schedule as usual, as I am still forming a network and still enjoy the meetings, despite this hole in my sober soul..
I post here because this is truly the only place I can express myself accurately, or a piece of paper I suppose. Whenever I speak I can never say what I truly mean and feel.
-Save
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by savexourxship 
Why does the possibility of losing everything in my life that matters to me, not concern me AT ALL? Why is throwing everything away still an option to me?
Are you willing to stay sober without that answer, SOS? Can someone remain sober while entertaining the thoughts of returning to the hell that is alcoholism? I hope for your sake that as long as you have a choice, that you choose not to drink.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I've been sober before (in pregnancy) and felt like that. Just really didn't believe it was a better life. It felt like a punishment or sacrifice, really. Being sober was my consequence for being unable to handle booze.
I don't feel that way this time and a few things are different.
1 - I can now see all the things that sobriety brings me. A sense of calm, more energy, more stable moods etc.
2 - I use AVRT (rational recovery, you can google) to knock back every alcoholic thought I have. I don't really get them anymore so much but at the start that meant that every time I started to think life would be better if I was drinking I'd tell myself that that was the alcoholic part of my brain talking and it simply wasn't true.
Which it's not. I mean you can lay it all out yourself and see that alcohol is bringing you nothing.
Also I've spent a lot of time thinking about 'normal' drinkers. And really I don't want to be a normal drinker. I had a friend over this weekend and she had 2 drinks in 4 hours. I have no interest in that, seriously. I'd rather have an iced tea.
So - normal drinking holds no allure. My kind of drinking brings no joy. Then every urge I have is just my brain craving the chemical.
It took practice and the development of other tools. That was crucial, too. So when I felt sad or stressed out (just normal life stuff) to practice, practice, practice new ways to handle that. Maybe it meant taking an hours mental health break and going for a cup of coffee by myself (I have small children). A depressing rainy day meant going on a little shopping trip for something cozy to wear and a new candle. Slowly I started to find these things TRULY comforting. Not like the way booze comforts. But real, healing comfort.
In my sober attempts in the past I had never tried to build a different life. I just sat there, miserable, thinking of what I was missing.
Best of luck to you.
I don't feel that way this time and a few things are different.
1 - I can now see all the things that sobriety brings me. A sense of calm, more energy, more stable moods etc.
2 - I use AVRT (rational recovery, you can google) to knock back every alcoholic thought I have. I don't really get them anymore so much but at the start that meant that every time I started to think life would be better if I was drinking I'd tell myself that that was the alcoholic part of my brain talking and it simply wasn't true.
Which it's not. I mean you can lay it all out yourself and see that alcohol is bringing you nothing.
Also I've spent a lot of time thinking about 'normal' drinkers. And really I don't want to be a normal drinker. I had a friend over this weekend and she had 2 drinks in 4 hours. I have no interest in that, seriously. I'd rather have an iced tea.
So - normal drinking holds no allure. My kind of drinking brings no joy. Then every urge I have is just my brain craving the chemical.
It took practice and the development of other tools. That was crucial, too. So when I felt sad or stressed out (just normal life stuff) to practice, practice, practice new ways to handle that. Maybe it meant taking an hours mental health break and going for a cup of coffee by myself (I have small children). A depressing rainy day meant going on a little shopping trip for something cozy to wear and a new candle. Slowly I started to find these things TRULY comforting. Not like the way booze comforts. But real, healing comfort.
In my sober attempts in the past I had never tried to build a different life. I just sat there, miserable, thinking of what I was missing.
Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Hi Save -
I attend AA too but meetings are not the program. Working the steps has given me a new design for living and an end to the mental obsession. There was a time period when I knew I was an alcoholic, that I headed for an early grave, and I continued to drink anyway. No amount of willpower helped me. It never did with alcoholism.
I hope you find your answer. This condition is crippling.
I attend AA too but meetings are not the program. Working the steps has given me a new design for living and an end to the mental obsession. There was a time period when I knew I was an alcoholic, that I headed for an early grave, and I continued to drink anyway. No amount of willpower helped me. It never did with alcoholism.
I hope you find your answer. This condition is crippling.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 197
This is my simplified way of explaining why and how you win.
Your whole life is a trigger to drink. How do you win? Don't drink.
When does it get easier? Far past 45 days.
Can you make it? Surely.
Is it worth it? Yes.
Is it cheaper? Yes.
Wiser? Yes.
Any questions?:
Your whole life is a trigger to drink. How do you win? Don't drink.
When does it get easier? Far past 45 days.
Can you make it? Surely.
Is it worth it? Yes.
Is it cheaper? Yes.
Wiser? Yes.
Any questions?:
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by savexourxship
Why is throwing everything away still an option to me? These are the questions that AA and counseling appear to be unable to answer for me.
It's not a logical choice that makes a person do that. This obsession goes beyond reason. The tricky part is, full acceptance that I have no effective mental defense over taking that first drink. The mental obsession rarely manifests as constant thinking about a drink. Instead, it appears like I'm doing just fine, everything is a-OK, and before I know it, I'm drunk again for some insanely trivial reason.
Look around on this forum at those who seemed like they were doing just fine, and then post one day how they drank again. What possible logic explains that action, stone cold sober, of picking up a drink again? No logic does. Mental obsession does.
Strive to be alive!
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Better place than where I came from
Posts: 549
Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful!
I think about how I can deceive them. Why is this? Because you're sick.
Am I manipulating myself it to believing that I am one of those "unfortunates"? Yes, well the alcoholic you is anyway.
Why does the possibility of losing everything in my life that matters to me, not concern me AT ALL? Because you're sick.
Why is throwing everything away still an option to me? Because you're sick.
Reading over what I am typing, the choice should be simple, never, ever drink again. - If it was this easy NONE of us would be here.
AA is a good step. But it's only one in several you will have to take toward recovery. You ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO do the work. It's not just going to come to you. It doesn't just come to anyone. Find a sponsor and start working the program. Find a Big Book study meeting or Big Book Step Study meeting and attend, listen and learn! You're no place different right now than many of us still are or have been. As far as when will the desire leave you? It may never leave. It may be a cross to bear the rest of your life after all you are an alcoholic. However, if you work the steps and are proactive in your recovery I can promise you as the book promises it will get easier.
Draciack hit the nail on the head with: I attend AA too but meetings are not the program.
I think about how I can deceive them. Why is this? Because you're sick.
Am I manipulating myself it to believing that I am one of those "unfortunates"? Yes, well the alcoholic you is anyway.
Why does the possibility of losing everything in my life that matters to me, not concern me AT ALL? Because you're sick.
Why is throwing everything away still an option to me? Because you're sick.
Reading over what I am typing, the choice should be simple, never, ever drink again. - If it was this easy NONE of us would be here.
AA is a good step. But it's only one in several you will have to take toward recovery. You ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO do the work. It's not just going to come to you. It doesn't just come to anyone. Find a sponsor and start working the program. Find a Big Book study meeting or Big Book Step Study meeting and attend, listen and learn! You're no place different right now than many of us still are or have been. As far as when will the desire leave you? It may never leave. It may be a cross to bear the rest of your life after all you are an alcoholic. However, if you work the steps and are proactive in your recovery I can promise you as the book promises it will get easier.
Draciack hit the nail on the head with: I attend AA too but meetings are not the program.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi SOS-
The obession to drink was removed by working all 12 steps of AA. I simply had to change who I was or the same me would drink again, and again, and again.
Nothing more, nothing less.
It does work. I'm living proof and you can be too.
Maybe it's time to get rid of some old ideas?
Kjell~
The obession to drink was removed by working all 12 steps of AA. I simply had to change who I was or the same me would drink again, and again, and again.
Nothing more, nothing less.
It does work. I'm living proof and you can be too.
Maybe it's time to get rid of some old ideas?
Kjell~
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Don't be too hard on yourself! you are doing great! with only 45 days sober you are experiencing what most of us have felt.... I'm 14 months sober, and remember the first few months being trying....The cravings now have all but disappeared...it takes time...I drank for over 20 years, and didn't expect everything to fall in place for me overnight...I'm still working on the pieces that fell apart..it's a daily thing....Try changing your thoughts...when you start craving think of or do something else....go to a meeting..go online,go for a walk...eat a chocolate bar (that helped me) drink a soda....whatever works...find something and go with it!! it will be your saving grace!! think of it as a lifesaver that's being tossed to you...grab it and hold on for dear life!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 2,464
Do you have a big book from AA? If not, below is the link and within it is a chapter on alcoholism and may answer some of your questions...I know it did for me.
Big Book On Line
Big Book On Line
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,941
Why does the possibility of losing everything in my life that matters to me, not concern me AT ALL? Why is throwing everything away still an option to me?
...Drug addiction erodes a person's self-control and ability to make sound decisions, while sending intense impulses to take drugs." - "Drugs, Brains, and Behavior - The Science of Addiction" - Drugs and the Brain
It took me a wile to practice a new way of life without alcohol. I had some times when I relapsed when I did not want to. Learning a new way of life can take time. The more I work a comprehensive program for better living, the better my life has gotten, w/o alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 254
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Alcohol is cunning and baffling.
And you can beat it, savexourxship....
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by keithj
A The tricky part is, full acceptance that I have no effective mental defense over taking that first drink. The mental obsession rarely manifests as constant thinking about a drink. Instead, it appears like I'm doing just fine, everything is a-OK, and before I know it, I'm drunk again for some insanely trivial reason.
Through what seemed "pitiful" humility.........humility I wasn't glad or proud to have.......I finally became teachable. I finally was willing to do things I didn't necessarily understand, want to do or believe would "work." I guess it shouldn't come as any surprise that if I had tried everything I could think of, and nothing worked, then what WOULD work would be things I hadn't thought of myself.
That's bottom...that's where you quit going down.....stop the madness and start the ascension into sobriety. Bottom's not about dui's, divorces, being homeless or any of that "outside" stuff.....it's internal, it's in the mind....and it's a blessing because it's when it finally occurs to you (or to me) that what I'm doing and/or capable of isn't working and we begin to move in a different direction (usually, one we hadn't considered viable).
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