back again, even worse than before
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 93
back again, even worse than before
Hello ya'll!
Been reading here since 2008 when my baby brother died and I was forced into rehab when I tried to find him in a bottle, (or more like MANY bottles). To bring ya'll back to date, my sobriety lasted only a few weeks and here I am, back to drinking until I am sick all the time, (yet I get sick if I DON'T drink......yep...insane.). The only "good" now is that I don't drink until I pass out like I did after my brother died. I simply drink every single stinking day after work. I normally have 3 VERY STRONG beers, (not a Miller lite, that's for sure) and on days that I am dumb enough to think I can split a 6 pack into 3 a day for two days, ("saves money"), I end up drinking 5...if my husband pisses me off, (often these days), I drink the entire 6 pack. I try and mind trick myself and say I only drink that much once in a while....but EVERY SINGLE DAY I drink and I am getting tired of it. I don't want to bore with the same story everyone else has heard and lived.....but I am stuck in a circle chasing my tail....and the dang thing is on fire now. The newest thing, (or maybe I am just noticing it now), is that I am completely isolated. I have no friends. My husband thinks, "yeah, yeah...suuuure you are" when I talk of quiting. He has never attended a meeting with me and has even gone so far as to tell me alcoholism isn't a disease...I am simply weak and have no self control. My father, an ER doc and toxicologist, tells me things...like go to a university hospital, etc. how alcoholism....addiction IS a disease....and yet he doesn't offer any support for REAL. (HE was the one that pointed out I was isolating myself and very depressed). HE has a close friend who is an addiction specialist and all I was told he said was get on Anabuse. (I know my recovery is all about ME making the choice to stop and it's up to me to do all the work and after reading the hate/disgust from the companions of alcoholics on this site, I guess it is too much to expect a spouse to honor the vows of "for better or worse" and expect some support from my husband....even if it only be moral support). As I went to rehab once and have been in and out of "mental wards" since having a hysterectomy in 2007....I feel that nobody has faith in me...not even myself! I am rambling now...so let me get to the point:
I HAVE to stop. I CANNOT go to the hospital as I always get the eyes rolling treatment, "Oh ...YOU again." (Once you get "pegged" like that, ALL symptoms and complaints get shuffled to that pre-conceived notion or diagnosis. I could make an entire thread on how I got the run around through the medical profession over the years!).The next issue is bad insurance and my having two jobs that I cannot miss, (I used to miss ALL the time in the heavy drinking days when my brother died and I was always hung over). I also now have complicating issues like a seizure disorder that showed up 2 months after I stopped drinking the first time. (no, I do not take meds for the seizures. allergic to a few and get totally drooling stupid on the the only one I CAN take). I want to stop cold turkey and on my own, but don't know how to go about it now. I HAVE to stop.....not only am I sick ALL the time now, (stomach pains all the time, vertigo all the time....now some kind of "nerve pain" in my fingers and feet, etc, etc....), but now my mind is being affected. I have almost killed myself SEVERAL times because of the overwhelming depression and isolation I feel. Yet, I can go three days without drinking....and by the 3rd or 4th day, i just cannot get past that friggin URGE, not to mention how INSANELY agitated I get!!!! I KNOW I have to somehow ignore the god talk and go to AA....even though I am almost to the edge of disliking being around people at all...(sigh)
I just need to know what others have done...I read the section here about how some people did it...but I want to know if it is best just to white knuckle stop suddenly...even with my seizures....or is it better to taper? I called my neurologist a few months ago and he said to cut one beer out a night until I stopped. I only drink 3 or 4 on average, so I thought that was a strange bit of advise....and, as I am still drinking nightly, I didn't follow it. Heck, even at THIS point, a seizure or three is looking better than the emptiness and despair I now get from a bottle of toxins.
Because I have been on here since 2008, do I now seem like just a hopeless whiner? I simply cannot remember what it was like to live without "help" and help I just cannot seem to comprehend.
Been reading here since 2008 when my baby brother died and I was forced into rehab when I tried to find him in a bottle, (or more like MANY bottles). To bring ya'll back to date, my sobriety lasted only a few weeks and here I am, back to drinking until I am sick all the time, (yet I get sick if I DON'T drink......yep...insane.). The only "good" now is that I don't drink until I pass out like I did after my brother died. I simply drink every single stinking day after work. I normally have 3 VERY STRONG beers, (not a Miller lite, that's for sure) and on days that I am dumb enough to think I can split a 6 pack into 3 a day for two days, ("saves money"), I end up drinking 5...if my husband pisses me off, (often these days), I drink the entire 6 pack. I try and mind trick myself and say I only drink that much once in a while....but EVERY SINGLE DAY I drink and I am getting tired of it. I don't want to bore with the same story everyone else has heard and lived.....but I am stuck in a circle chasing my tail....and the dang thing is on fire now. The newest thing, (or maybe I am just noticing it now), is that I am completely isolated. I have no friends. My husband thinks, "yeah, yeah...suuuure you are" when I talk of quiting. He has never attended a meeting with me and has even gone so far as to tell me alcoholism isn't a disease...I am simply weak and have no self control. My father, an ER doc and toxicologist, tells me things...like go to a university hospital, etc. how alcoholism....addiction IS a disease....and yet he doesn't offer any support for REAL. (HE was the one that pointed out I was isolating myself and very depressed). HE has a close friend who is an addiction specialist and all I was told he said was get on Anabuse. (I know my recovery is all about ME making the choice to stop and it's up to me to do all the work and after reading the hate/disgust from the companions of alcoholics on this site, I guess it is too much to expect a spouse to honor the vows of "for better or worse" and expect some support from my husband....even if it only be moral support). As I went to rehab once and have been in and out of "mental wards" since having a hysterectomy in 2007....I feel that nobody has faith in me...not even myself! I am rambling now...so let me get to the point:
I HAVE to stop. I CANNOT go to the hospital as I always get the eyes rolling treatment, "Oh ...YOU again." (Once you get "pegged" like that, ALL symptoms and complaints get shuffled to that pre-conceived notion or diagnosis. I could make an entire thread on how I got the run around through the medical profession over the years!).The next issue is bad insurance and my having two jobs that I cannot miss, (I used to miss ALL the time in the heavy drinking days when my brother died and I was always hung over). I also now have complicating issues like a seizure disorder that showed up 2 months after I stopped drinking the first time. (no, I do not take meds for the seizures. allergic to a few and get totally drooling stupid on the the only one I CAN take). I want to stop cold turkey and on my own, but don't know how to go about it now. I HAVE to stop.....not only am I sick ALL the time now, (stomach pains all the time, vertigo all the time....now some kind of "nerve pain" in my fingers and feet, etc, etc....), but now my mind is being affected. I have almost killed myself SEVERAL times because of the overwhelming depression and isolation I feel. Yet, I can go three days without drinking....and by the 3rd or 4th day, i just cannot get past that friggin URGE, not to mention how INSANELY agitated I get!!!! I KNOW I have to somehow ignore the god talk and go to AA....even though I am almost to the edge of disliking being around people at all...(sigh)
I just need to know what others have done...I read the section here about how some people did it...but I want to know if it is best just to white knuckle stop suddenly...even with my seizures....or is it better to taper? I called my neurologist a few months ago and he said to cut one beer out a night until I stopped. I only drink 3 or 4 on average, so I thought that was a strange bit of advise....and, as I am still drinking nightly, I didn't follow it. Heck, even at THIS point, a seizure or three is looking better than the emptiness and despair I now get from a bottle of toxins.
Because I have been on here since 2008, do I now seem like just a hopeless whiner? I simply cannot remember what it was like to live without "help" and help I just cannot seem to comprehend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 93
I don't know why I expect so much. As I wrote my father last night: I guess I'll just do this on my own and in my own way. After all...in the end...isn't that exactly what I will be doing? I'll just go back into my hole and just read on here once and a while. Sorry I had such high expectations as to receive a reply to my post.
No wonder I scream and yell and am loud. I AM invisible. No wonder I isolate. Ghosts belong in attics......
No wonder I scream and yell and am loud. I AM invisible. No wonder I isolate. Ghosts belong in attics......
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Hey, not so fast, Cornczech.
People will reply—give everyone a chance. Folks are just starting their day here on the west coast.
I'm really glad you're posting. It sounds like you're ready to change, and really should stick around. I'm sure you will find a lot of support here!
People will reply—give everyone a chance. Folks are just starting their day here on the west coast.
I'm really glad you're posting. It sounds like you're ready to change, and really should stick around. I'm sure you will find a lot of support here!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome back....
You do not have to deal with your drinking by yourself.
Have you considered talking with your doctor about depression?
Depression is why I began AA and my doctor was the one
who suggested I abstain and connect to AA.
That would give you local support and new friends who understand.
You do not have to deal with your drinking by yourself.
Have you considered talking with your doctor about depression?
Depression is why I began AA and my doctor was the one
who suggested I abstain and connect to AA.
That would give you local support and new friends who understand.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I'll give you my perspective on the 'support' angle which may not be a popular one.
In my alcoholism I expected a ridiculous amount of support and understanding from people. I mean really people (especially my husband) gave me far more than I gave them. He stayed married to a drunk woman, FFS and suffered the pain of seeing his children parented by an alcoholic. 7 months in it still makes me cry to think about.
My recovery OTOH has been intensely private. Yes I share here and if I thought it was necessary I'd seek out professional therapy or AA or whatever. ie - either fellow alcoholics or paid professionals.
The 'normal' people in my life have given me enough. The time for involving them in the mess of my addiction is over. They owe me nothing. In fact, I owe them the calm and ease of knowing that I'm recovering.
What I really appreciate from my husband is that he does sober things with me. He'll come for icecream with us when I know he'd rather be finishing his painting job or whatever. He comes because he loves me and he knows I'm working hard to create a normal life. To find joy in normal things. When I go out for a night he asks a million questions when I get home because he wants to hear all about how I enjoyed myself. He's my cheerleader in that regard.
He asked me, once, if it was OK if he still drank. It is OK.
I think you are expecting way too much of everybody else and not enough of yourself. Certainly seek and take advantage of professional help. But leave your family out of it. They have suffered enough.
In my alcoholism I expected a ridiculous amount of support and understanding from people. I mean really people (especially my husband) gave me far more than I gave them. He stayed married to a drunk woman, FFS and suffered the pain of seeing his children parented by an alcoholic. 7 months in it still makes me cry to think about.
My recovery OTOH has been intensely private. Yes I share here and if I thought it was necessary I'd seek out professional therapy or AA or whatever. ie - either fellow alcoholics or paid professionals.
The 'normal' people in my life have given me enough. The time for involving them in the mess of my addiction is over. They owe me nothing. In fact, I owe them the calm and ease of knowing that I'm recovering.
What I really appreciate from my husband is that he does sober things with me. He'll come for icecream with us when I know he'd rather be finishing his painting job or whatever. He comes because he loves me and he knows I'm working hard to create a normal life. To find joy in normal things. When I go out for a night he asks a million questions when I get home because he wants to hear all about how I enjoyed myself. He's my cheerleader in that regard.
He asked me, once, if it was OK if he still drank. It is OK.
I think you are expecting way too much of everybody else and not enough of yourself. Certainly seek and take advantage of professional help. But leave your family out of it. They have suffered enough.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Hi Cornczech, I'm happy to see you reaching out for help. Your not alone here. Plenty of us have isolated and went into deep depressions. I cannot give you medical advice, but I think connecting with your Doctor and having his/her help would be the way to go.
You have to somehow pull yourself up and get the support you need. It's obvious your way isn't working and you are miserable. IMO you cannot do this alone. Once you put the alcohol down and address your depression you will learn to love yourself again.
Do it for yourself...........your worth it.
:ghug3
You have to somehow pull yourself up and get the support you need. It's obvious your way isn't working and you are miserable. IMO you cannot do this alone. Once you put the alcohol down and address your depression you will learn to love yourself again.
Do it for yourself...........your worth it.
:ghug3
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi CZ-
Well, if you do it by yourself that is up to you and you alone. One tip I would give is to put a few spaces in your posts (makes it much easier to read).
We are here for you and will always be.
Kjell~
Well, if you do it by yourself that is up to you and you alone. One tip I would give is to put a few spaces in your posts (makes it much easier to read).
We are here for you and will always be.
Kjell~
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 93
Thanks ya'll. Sorry I get so frustrated....that's part of what is going on with me....my inability to control my emotions. I walked to the neared AA meeting. It was 15 minutes into it and I started crying so hard after 5 minutes that I left. I appreciate the thought that I expect too much from others and nothing from myself....this may be true in a normal circumstance, but you do not know the entire story...I DO expect something from them...my father abandoned me with an alcoholic mother and a step-father who also liked to abuse children. he is a doctor and I simply needed his advise and connections there....my husband...well...he is bugging me right now to get on the computer, so I will have to finish this later.....but I DO appreciate your opinion.
gotta run and sorry again for bing a baby
gotta run and sorry again for bing a baby
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Its funny looking back on my experiences with AA...i would turn up every few years for a meeting and off i would go again...it wasn't for me...but looking back i never questioned why i would entertain going to an AA meeting in the first place, clearly i was in desperate need of help but not knowing how to reach out for it nor accept it...it's really quite sad...eventually, when i was at the point where the only sane option was to end my life, i went and begged for help...maybe you will get to that point, maybe you won't...most don't...but do remember that you are choosing to not reach out for help you know is there so you must feel some sort of comfort in the despair that you are sitting in like i did, at the time...it is your choice to get help or not:-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 93
I know I need to get to the doctor, but I am afraid of the same treatment I have gotten, (maybe I deserve it....), in the past: "Oh...YOU again." The old (sigh) didn't you already go to rehab and promise not to drink again? I also am about 5 years overdue for a ton of tests, including my promising to get an MRI of my brain, (I didn't show up for 2 exams because I was afraid it would interrupt my drinking for the day)...so my doctors are gonna be a bit angry. I tried looking into another hospital, but BOTH I looked into didn't take my insurance, (I thought United Healthcare was a GOOD insurance!)
Anyhow...I was here for my husband when he got hit by a car and had his ankle crushed.......WHILE LEAVING A BAR DRINKER THAN HECK!!!! (The first thing the ortho-pod said to me was did I know how much alcohol he had in his system and did he do this often....)so he has issues with binge drinking that I have had to deal with as well. I am a stay at home drinker since going to rehab in 2009. My husband and I used to bar hop together....drink camping, at social functions...all together....like we were drinking buddies....I am not kidding.....we would get stinking drunk TOGETHER...so HE DOES, in my mind, at least owe our marriage vows..."for better or worse".....I have been here for him with his broken ankle and every time he passed out in the foyer...or on a stranger's lawn...or trips to find his bike...or whatever......
I am looking into tapering off and then trying to stop by going to meetings of some sort.....psychiatrists have NEVER been a trustworthy lot in my opinion and experience....
anyhow...I am running late and have to go to work.
I am trying REALLY hard this time....and I DO appreciate this forum.
Gotta run!
Peace Ya'll
Anyhow...I was here for my husband when he got hit by a car and had his ankle crushed.......WHILE LEAVING A BAR DRINKER THAN HECK!!!! (The first thing the ortho-pod said to me was did I know how much alcohol he had in his system and did he do this often....)so he has issues with binge drinking that I have had to deal with as well. I am a stay at home drinker since going to rehab in 2009. My husband and I used to bar hop together....drink camping, at social functions...all together....like we were drinking buddies....I am not kidding.....we would get stinking drunk TOGETHER...so HE DOES, in my mind, at least owe our marriage vows..."for better or worse".....I have been here for him with his broken ankle and every time he passed out in the foyer...or on a stranger's lawn...or trips to find his bike...or whatever......
I am looking into tapering off and then trying to stop by going to meetings of some sort.....psychiatrists have NEVER been a trustworthy lot in my opinion and experience....
anyhow...I am running late and have to go to work.
I am trying REALLY hard this time....and I DO appreciate this forum.
Gotta run!
Peace Ya'll
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
losing a loved one is about the worst thing to happen to a person. it's why i started drinking some 20 years ago. I commend you for reaching out for help. it wasn't something i would do until it almost took my own life some 15 months ago.
i really can't offer you any words of wisdom except don't do what i did. don't isolate and binge for 20 years like i did. by the time i decided i didn't want to drink myself to death it really was almost too late.
don't be too proud to be a revolving door case at any rehab or hospital if it'll get you sober.
if you simply can't go to rehab, then try to get some withdrawal meds. look in the phone book for one of those immediate care centers, you know the ones that treat sprains and bronchitis and give them a call and ask if they treat alcohol withdrawal. most do. it'll cost you $50 and it might save your life.
check out the grief and loss forums here at SR too. reach out and continue to do so. be your own advocate. if nobody believes in you, then the only way you can silence them is by action and results. my wife didn't believe i'd ever get sober either.
this is a messy, hard, disgustingly frustrating road in the beginning. However, once you deal with things the payoff for peace is immeasurable.
i really can't offer you any words of wisdom except don't do what i did. don't isolate and binge for 20 years like i did. by the time i decided i didn't want to drink myself to death it really was almost too late.
don't be too proud to be a revolving door case at any rehab or hospital if it'll get you sober.
if you simply can't go to rehab, then try to get some withdrawal meds. look in the phone book for one of those immediate care centers, you know the ones that treat sprains and bronchitis and give them a call and ask if they treat alcohol withdrawal. most do. it'll cost you $50 and it might save your life.
check out the grief and loss forums here at SR too. reach out and continue to do so. be your own advocate. if nobody believes in you, then the only way you can silence them is by action and results. my wife didn't believe i'd ever get sober either.
this is a messy, hard, disgustingly frustrating road in the beginning. However, once you deal with things the payoff for peace is immeasurable.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Getting sober at first is scary. Dont worry about what your doctors will think. They have way to many patients to have any personal beef with you. Also I have found that when you reach out for help with addiction they love it. AA and this forum have done wonders for me. Take an hour out of your day and check out a meeting.
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