Squizz

A friend's dad at meetings the past few days. I gotta' admit....it's kinda' cool. He's new to the program, and I'm back after a while. It's always good to see people you knew from outside of the program, even if only moderately well.

I hate seeing people I used to party with though. In particular if they're still drinking or using when going to meetings. For instance, I just dropped this kid I know off, and he's still getting drunk and going to meetings. He keeps asking me to bring him, but I'm so frustrated, that I feel like saying no.

Reason being, because he clearly isn't ready to stop drinking. Not only that, but I'm not his taxi driver. If I'm going to bring him to meetings, the least he can do is his part. I know he may be struggling, but I feel like just telling him: "Look, either you're going to do this, or not. And if you're not going to, that's fine. But just TELL ME, so I don't keep wasting my time, money, gas, and everything else bringing you to meetings. Call me when you're ready to make an honest effort."

But I just don't have the heart to do that. But God is it frustrating seeing someone like that. If it wasn't for the responsibility pledge, I'd have written him off a long time ago. But I feel obligated. My patience is really wearing thin though. I'm willing to help people, but only those that are willing to help themselves.

Sorry about the rant.

UniqueNewYork

You may save his life. Something to consider. On the other hand.. I had an experience with someone who just wanted to get away from their parent's house and was bumming rides off me to that end. Yeah they would go to meetings to socialize and try to hook up with a girl. Then they would go to the mall. Or a sports bar. Whatever. Anything to get away from being at their parents house with no car no job and feeling like a pathetic loser. Personally I felt no sympathy for this person. I have been without a car before. I used this thing called a Bicycle. Its an amazing invention. If that failed me, I used these things I have called Legs. They are pretty amazing too.

Squizz

Exactly. I've been without a car before too. I still made it to meetings. Like I said, I'm willing to help people. Sure. But only people who are willing to help themselves. This kid sounds VERY similar to the kid you described. No job. Won't quit drinking, lives with his parents. I think I'm just going to tell him to meet me AT meetings. If he can't do that, oh well. I'm not his baby-sitter.

Not to mention, he's practically blamed me for his getting drunk before! Yeah, I think it's time to cut this kid loose.

Ainslie

If you dont want to show up at meetings with a person thats been drinking that day, then tell him so. Im sure youve overcome bigger challenges.

UniqueNewYork

Yeah but this guy is an active user/drinker.. likely a Taker personality type. Guilt tripper.. sense of entitlement.. The way I see it you have a couple of options though. You can talk straight to him about how you feel. I would try this at least once. Or you could do what I did, which was a couple of text messages and no more answering calls from this person.

Ainslie

Yea I saw Squizz had made his mind up just after I posted.

Either way, sounds like one messed up kid, probably been babysat by his parents for way too long.

Squizz

Nah, I'm just going to let him slide. There's no talking to him. He'll just try and spin it that me not being around him constantly is why he drinks. Like I said, I can't be his babysitter. If he wants to drink, that's his right.

He doesn't want to stop, so I'm not going to help him. He's gotta' help himself at some point. People have helped me, sure. But I held up my end of the deal, that's the difference here.

Squizz

After giving it some thought, I'm going to call his ass in about an hour to go to a meeting. I don't care how hungover he is.

I simply could not live with myself if something tragic happened to this kid. He's been through enough as it is. I've known him since grade school, and he's a good kid. Just extremely immature.

And I'm partially to blame as well. I've been too easy on him. So when I see him today, it's going to be strictly tough love. From here on out, we're doing things MY WAY.

Which means: No more pot, no more booze, and a TON of meetings. And we're going to completely overhaul his program, because it CLEARLY isn't working for him. If he doesn't agree to ALL of this, then he can take a hike.

Nobody has given up on me in AA, and I simply can't give up on someone myself. That being said, if he gives up on himself, it's a lost cause anyway.

Squizz

I should clarify: I haven't been using pot or alcohol, but he sure has. And it's incredibly frustrating to try and help someone recover when they have an attitude of indifference.

UniqueNewYork

You know Squizz my former best friend is a hardcore pot head. White dude with dreds, high times mags, wants to join a commune, conspiracy theories, the whole 9 yards.

I had a really in depth discussion with my gf about this guy. His mom died when he was a kid of a drug overdose likely suicide. This is what my gf said

First she said if he wants to sit on a couch smoking the rest of his life thats his business and no one can judge him. Then she said this about his mom:

"He's got to live with that the rest of his life."

And shes right. So I don't know this guy you are helping but maybe he's got something complex going on that is going to make it harder for him to make the switch.

There is a guy at one of my old groups. He was addicted to crack. Hardcore. I could tell he was lonely, but I tend to run with the crowd that I most feel something in common with in terms of my personal life. I'll AA it up with anyone, but I'm not going to call someone up for a trip to starbucks or the beach unless we really have some things in common. I found out this guy went back out and hasn't been seen. He is probably going to die in the streets. Thats not on me. We all have to own our actions, sometimes moving past things, sometimes man'ing up, etc. But I do wonder. What If me and a couple of guys had hung out with this guy. Maybe he would still be sober instead of on the bullet train to hell on earth / death. But you know at the end of the day you can only do what you can do. If you go into it with this attitude like you can CHANGE everyone or SAVE everyone it will destroy you because you can't. People have to ultimately decide to do it.

Squizz

Exactly. I called him twice today to go to meetings. He didn't answer. So I'll keep calling. If eventually he decides that he doesn't want me to call anymore, I'll stop. At least I can live with myself knowing I did the best I could to try and help.

LexieCat

Good for you, Squizz.

You know what they say, working with another drunk is one of the best things for your own sobriety. See what you can do to help him. If he doesn't get sober, it will still help YOU.

Justfor1

I'm surprised that you are shocked that he continues to drink and goes to meetings?? He is not the only one who has done this. As long as he has a desire to stop drinking before he steps into the meeting. If he is bringing booze/drugs to the meeting and using then I would have to cut him loose. At least he is being honest with you when he tells you that he keeps drinking.