UniqueNewYork

Almost 30, never married. Just what the subject line says. Finding two people happily married over a significant timeline (10+ years) seems to be like looking for a needle in a haystack.

I believe that children are why most of us are here. I would marry someone and love them for life just to give a child two parents. At least I would go into it thinking that way. We know how bad the statistics are.

I have only brought this topic up to a couple of people. They kind of looked at me like I was an alien, so I thought I should get input from the other aliens so to speak.

Justfor1

I'm just a few years older than you & use to think like this a lot. I still think like this once in a while, however, am starting to believe in marriage. Not sure why maybe it's a fear of dying alone or something. Then again I'm not sure I could find someone who would be interested in someone (me) who has destroyed themselves with addiction.

Murray4x5

I don't believe in marriage either. Good thing my girlfriend of 26 years thinks like I do (I call her my wife because 'common law wife' is too long).

Keep your radar up...there's somebody for everybody.

Murray

HFA

I was married 16yrs, then divorced. I dont think I will ever marry again. I love the woman I am with now so very very much and its been a few wonderful years and I hope to spend the rest of them with her. But I just dont see marriage anywhere.

bcboy

While it is true that many people are miserably married. I do believe that many have a full long healthy life together.

After 10+ years the dust has long settled on the honeymoon phase and couples are faced with the reality that people do change over time and that trying to change your other half will only end in failure. This is the time when a married couple is in most danger of the downward spiral of resentment and passive aggressive behavior against each other. Pair this with kids in the mix and yes you can have a perpetual continuation of this type of lifestyle.

I am 12 years married with 4 little ones kicking about and so far we are good. We sure are not in our 1 month honeymoon phase anymore but our kids give us so much joy and everything I do in my life is now done with great care on how it will affect them.

You can see it on them when we are around other couples who are always fighting or yelling. They are scared and look at us with questions on what is going down.

Seeing our kids always happy, smiling, and playing without a care in the world 24/7 is exactly the childhood I wish I had and one that I am reliving through my own children.

Now take a walk some sunny day and I can promise you that you will see more than a few older people in their late 60's still walking hand in hand.

Life is grand when you realize that today is the only moment that should count.

Supercrew

I guess I am old school....I've been lucky and have been married for 15 years, most happy, and the days that weren't were because of my drinking normally. But I have a good example, my parents have been married for 45 years, and I have never ever seen even a nasty disagreement let alone a fight.

If you find someone you love, and you are able to put them first and treat them the way you would like to be treated, and they are like minded, marriage can work and be beneficial. I am married to my best friend as are my parents. Yes there are tough times in all relationships, but I have found even through this bout with alcoholism, it is possible to make things work. One of the things that I was taught and I have always tried to practice is to always look out for the best interests of the children, and if you can show them a good example of what marriage should be and how you should treat your spouse it is natural and easy for them to follow the example in their own relationships.

But just like sobriety is for an alcoholic, a good marriage takes a daily effort. It's up to you whether you do the work and whether you can be happy doing it forever.

ZZworldontheweb

Married 22 years, no kids. I totally believe it it. The older you get, the more advantages it confers. I think it's the way people are wired.

The thing is, people change. You will, she will. I'm not married to the same person I was 22 years ago, neither is my wife. We've both altered our priorities for the other.

I'm not sure, but I think that dying alone would probably suck.

stugotz

I learned that the trick isnt finding that "Right" person, its being that person...

LexieCat

Is this something you need to figure out right now, for some reason?

Having been married twice and having a long-term relationship, I'm not terribly keen on the idea of ever getting married again. OTOH, maybe my life will change and I will meet someone I want to marry. Right now I don't even feel like dating--I like my single life, and I have enough complications of my own without dealing with someone else's.

One day at a time.

ste

A loving person......

I think you know its no trick Stugotz, just sayin'.....

least

I think it was Mae West who once said, "Marriage is a wonderful institution... but I'm not ready for an institution yet."

LaFemme

I've lived my life surrounded by long and happy marriages (60+ years)...marriages that have survived wars, tragedy and major illnesses with grace, beauty and devotion.

I used to say that was why I waited...I was looking for that. In reality I was not ready for something like that as I was married to the bottle.

Thanks for a refreshing change of topic...kind of nice every once in awhile

yeahgr8

I'm looking at the post like you are an alien;-) I guess thats progress for me lol

You don't have any control over any of this anyway...in 5 years time you might be happily married with both of you never wanting kids and, if i knew you in real life, i might remind you of what you said in 2011 and you would then be looking at me like i was an alien:-)

Che

Voltaire once said that Love is the illusion that one woman is better than another, and who are you to talk back to Voltaire, one of the greatest minds that ever lived.

Don't get too obsessed with finding someone who is perfect. Just find someone you want to make happy :P When you spend enough time with that person you'll begin thinking there is no one better.

edit: I think if you don't think you've ever seen a happy marriage greater than 10 years, you're being too critical with your idea of happy. Happy doesn't mean you never argue, or never have your differences... It just means you love each other and want to stay together :P It isn't 'just until the children grow up and move out.' Maybe it's just me, but the people I've seen married more than 10 years (ie family, or family of friends) look pretty happy to be married.

JTele

I met my girlfriend and best friend when I was 19, and 15 months later I found myself married. I was really far too young to know what I was doing at the time, but since her parents insisted upon us getting married as opposed to living with one another, I decided that it might not be such a bad thing. After all, I really loved this girl, right? Well, 36 years later I'm still with her, and I've never had any regrets. Of course, we've had some rough times, but we still share many wonderful times. I can only imagine that things will only get better now that I've put my drinking habit aside.

I really don't have any strong beliefs one way or the other as to whether or not getting married is the correct thing to do, for it really depends on the two people involved. The most important thing seems to be that the two involved really and truly love one another without question or doubt. Of course, it's virtually impossible to predict if a long-term relationship will ever come to fruition, but one will never know if he or she never takes that risk, married or not. I'm perhaps one of the lucky ones in that I found a great lady at a very young age, but if I hadn't found her, I would think that I'd be very cautious about committing myself to a relationship if I had any kind of serious doubts.

jamdls

I think marriage is just a way to ruin a great relationship and I see no point in it. I've been married and divorced twice, both times for about 5 yrs, the first time I wanted to escape my abusive childhood and the 2nd time I wanted to provide a better life (financially) for my daughter; both times the relationship crumbled once we got married; I'm still friends with both exes and we agree we are better friends than spouses. I've been happily single for 16 yrs and although I have witnessed a few (only 3 that I can think of right now) long term happy marriages I prefer living alone.

Rift

In my opinion I think marriage is way overrated. It's a good thing for some, but for others not so much. But then again I think relationships of any kind are overrated. I will be 30 soon too. Not married. Hardly been in any serious relationships. No big deal for me. Though I am open to it in the future if the right one comes along...

To each his own!

reggiewayne

Just an observation. Notice how the people that have not had a good marriage don't believe in it and the one's that have had a good experience with marriage do? We are what our experiences are. We all relate so well here because we share a common problem. Alcohol. I think the marriage topic will be all over the board based on our experiences. Make sense?

For me, keeping and open mind to issues in important to my recovery. We rarely get what we are closed off to. Think about recovery. How many of us said, "I just can't do it". Now, we find ourselves in recovery and doing great. If we would have kept that attitude there is no way we could have been successful.

I was in a bad marriage when I was younger and got divorced. I remarried a few years ago and consider myself to be in a good one. It wasn't always this way though. Early on my new wife and I fought quite a bit, now we don't. What's changed? Me. My wife and I get along so much better since I sobered up. When I was drinking, there were times I thought we were doomed. The first change that was made was me. When I changed and started responding to her differently, she then changed.

To say the problem with relationships is the concept of marriage is a cop out IMO. It's like saying that I'm a drunk because they sell beer at games or at bars.

As with most problems, the problem is with ME not IT. My perception, my responses, etc... Last thing... many people use the same alcoholic thinking with marriage as we do drinking. "I can't be with just one woman FOREVER, I can't just sleep with one person FOREVER, I can't listen to the same person day in day out FOREVER... One day at a time. If I love my wife today, then why wouldn't I love her tomorrow, next week, next year, and so on... Progress over perfection...

Just my two cents.... Have a great day all!

UniqueNewYork

These responses are amazing. Thanks everyone this is a great after work gift to come home to.

LexieCat the girl I am dating has made it clear she would like marriage and children. When I pushed back and said I wasn't interested at this time, she backed off. I found myself thinking negatively about marriage in general. I'm not sure its this girl even though I think its me.

LexieCat

Ah, I see. Well, so long as you're honest about your feelings about that, then to thine own self be true. It's unfair to both of you to be anything less.