How do I deal with this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 711
How do I deal with this?
I am not on step 4 yet this go around, but I know it will be helpful for me to figure this out and write it down.
I have admittedly put my husband through hell. I am trying my darndest to do a living amends every single day.
The problem is that my husband is extremely angry, not just at me, but at life in general. He goes through periods where he cusses and gets irate about everything from work to traffic. He is very type A.
He projects his negativity on me and is very domineering and controlling. He snaps at me and speaks to me in nasty tones and yells also. The last time I did drink he grabbed me by the throat and face and knocked me to the ground. I had a bruise on the side of my face for a week which I hid from him and people at AA.
He has never hit me before, and I do not think it will happen again. If it does I am calling the cops. The main problem is the verbal abuse. He denies that he does it and when he does admit it he tells me how I put him through misery.
He won't go to Alanon or counseling. He drinks every single night - 3-4 beers and a lot more on the weekends. (I accept this. I know that I can't drink)
This sucks for a person in early recovery. Luckily I have an addiction therapist I see every week so I can unload. I KNOW I am selfish and that I
have a major part in this. But I am having trouble determining if this is all my fault.
Thoughts?
I have admittedly put my husband through hell. I am trying my darndest to do a living amends every single day.
The problem is that my husband is extremely angry, not just at me, but at life in general. He goes through periods where he cusses and gets irate about everything from work to traffic. He is very type A.
He projects his negativity on me and is very domineering and controlling. He snaps at me and speaks to me in nasty tones and yells also. The last time I did drink he grabbed me by the throat and face and knocked me to the ground. I had a bruise on the side of my face for a week which I hid from him and people at AA.
He has never hit me before, and I do not think it will happen again. If it does I am calling the cops. The main problem is the verbal abuse. He denies that he does it and when he does admit it he tells me how I put him through misery.
He won't go to Alanon or counseling. He drinks every single night - 3-4 beers and a lot more on the weekends. (I accept this. I know that I can't drink)
This sucks for a person in early recovery. Luckily I have an addiction therapist I see every week so I can unload. I KNOW I am selfish and that I
have a major part in this. But I am having trouble determining if this is all my fault.
Thoughts?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 711
Frankly I feel like getting a divorce but I appreciate the unwritten AA rule of not making any major changes in the first year. I tend to jump the gun and make impulsive decisions and later regret them. That sounds very alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
It's not all your fault. The relationship you and your husband shared while you were drinking has changed, but his behavior has not. This is way beyond my experience, but it sounds like he needs help - I would seriously consider leaving him until he's willing to seek help for his anger issues. At the very least, you need to put a plan in place in the event this is not a one-off occurance.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Frankly, don't worry about whether it's your fault, his fault, why he's doing it.....bla bla bla.....
1. you'll not likely figure it out
2. all that "thinking" will keep you from doing the most helpful thing for him that you can do - BEING A LIVING EXAMPLE OF WHAT RECOVERY CAN GET YA.
You keep your nose to the grindstone and keep charging through recovery......that's what God likely wants from you.... lay the big stuff: the future, your marriage, who's to blame, etc etc on God's lap and work on the stuff you CAN control.
1. you'll not likely figure it out
2. all that "thinking" will keep you from doing the most helpful thing for him that you can do - BEING A LIVING EXAMPLE OF WHAT RECOVERY CAN GET YA.
You keep your nose to the grindstone and keep charging through recovery......that's what God likely wants from you.... lay the big stuff: the future, your marriage, who's to blame, etc etc on God's lap and work on the stuff you CAN control.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
Hopefully God doesn't want you to get smacked around and verbally abused regularly. I am with Anna. He has crossed the line you can't leave that for God to handle. Time to take some action and help yourself out of the abusive relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 711
Right now I am in the sucky situation of having no job, no car and no drivers license. All as a result of my alcoholism. I am definitely stuck.
When he grabbed me it was because I was drinking. He caught me red handed and lost it. It has been two months since that happened.
He has basically told me I am going to have to walk on egg shells for a period of time. I am putting my recovery first and foremost because I know it will be the determining factor in the direction my life goes. I have to pray that as my recovery progresses, he will get some healing from the damage I have caused. If he doesn't and remains the control freak he currently is, I will not be in for this for the long haul.
I am getting ready to go back to school this summer or fall to get a different degree. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and try to move forward.
I appreciate the feed back. My therapist actually advised me to get a 'back up plan' in case things were to get really bad and I do have one: I can move to Portland, OR and live with my Mom for a while and then just stay out there and start a new life.
When he grabbed me it was because I was drinking. He caught me red handed and lost it. It has been two months since that happened.
He has basically told me I am going to have to walk on egg shells for a period of time. I am putting my recovery first and foremost because I know it will be the determining factor in the direction my life goes. I have to pray that as my recovery progresses, he will get some healing from the damage I have caused. If he doesn't and remains the control freak he currently is, I will not be in for this for the long haul.
I am getting ready to go back to school this summer or fall to get a different degree. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and try to move forward.
I appreciate the feed back. My therapist actually advised me to get a 'back up plan' in case things were to get really bad and I do have one: I can move to Portland, OR and live with my Mom for a while and then just stay out there and start a new life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,474
I am glad to hear you have a back up plan, and glad you are focusing on your recovery. In saying that, the sort of behaviour your hubby is showing, in my experience only, does not get better... and certainly not when alcohol is involved.
Give serious thought to leaving, it would be a huge shame to sit around and wait for it...and not be able to leave.
I applaud you in your desire to make amends.. but really, there is never any reason acceptable for verbal or physical abuse. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Give serious thought to leaving, it would be a huge shame to sit around and wait for it...and not be able to leave.
I applaud you in your desire to make amends.. but really, there is never any reason acceptable for verbal or physical abuse. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Sydney
Posts: 168
Hun, I think his behaviour is a separate issue to your alcoholism.
I think the no major changes in a year thing does not relate to dangerous situations. Staying in an abusive relationship will not help your recovery at all.
You suffer from a condition called alcoholism. You do not need to suffer through this as a type of punishment for yourself. You are not to blame for his behaviour. He has absolutely no right to control you and there is never, never, never an excuse for physical or verbal violence. Have you spoken to your therapist about this? The fact that he is violent and drinks is very bad, you are in a very dangerous situation. The time will come when he loses control and strikes out.
Warning you to be prepared to walk on eggshells sounds very controlling.
You must leave this relationship, you deserve better.
I think the no major changes in a year thing does not relate to dangerous situations. Staying in an abusive relationship will not help your recovery at all.
You suffer from a condition called alcoholism. You do not need to suffer through this as a type of punishment for yourself. You are not to blame for his behaviour. He has absolutely no right to control you and there is never, never, never an excuse for physical or verbal violence. Have you spoken to your therapist about this? The fact that he is violent and drinks is very bad, you are in a very dangerous situation. The time will come when he loses control and strikes out.
Warning you to be prepared to walk on eggshells sounds very controlling.
You must leave this relationship, you deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
He told you that you're going to have to walk on egg shells for a period of time?? That to me paints a picture of your future with this guy, and it ain't pretty.
The fact that he's a control freak has absolutely nothing to do with your drinking, so don't expect him to "heal" as your recovery progresses. If anything, you're going to find that as you get better, he'll more likely get worse.
You're in a potentially dangerous situation. I'd suggest you implement Plan B while you can. Staying with this guy is neither good for your health nor your recovery.
The fact that he's a control freak has absolutely nothing to do with your drinking, so don't expect him to "heal" as your recovery progresses. If anything, you're going to find that as you get better, he'll more likely get worse.
You're in a potentially dangerous situation. I'd suggest you implement Plan B while you can. Staying with this guy is neither good for your health nor your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 223
Hi there
I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship with an alcoholic many years ago in my late 20s. I wanted to leave for a long time and always plotted in my mind how I could do it. He scared me into staying with threats.
I am sorry to hear about your situation, I had a physical reaction while I was reading it. I just want to reach out and give you a big hug.
I eventually did leave after a really bad beating and it was the best thing I ever did. That experience was dreadful but I am a better person today because of all my life experiences, that includes bad ones.
You know in your mind what you need to do
I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship with an alcoholic many years ago in my late 20s. I wanted to leave for a long time and always plotted in my mind how I could do it. He scared me into staying with threats.
I am sorry to hear about your situation, I had a physical reaction while I was reading it. I just want to reach out and give you a big hug.
I eventually did leave after a really bad beating and it was the best thing I ever did. That experience was dreadful but I am a better person today because of all my life experiences, that includes bad ones.
You know in your mind what you need to do
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
I agree with the folks above who are urging that you give strong consideration to getting out now while you can. More often than not, these situations do indeed get worse, and any notion that you can keep him from lashing out by protecting him from what will upset him is not realistic - unless he is actively seeking treatment for his own problems, and making exceptional progress, he should be considered a ticking time bomb.
Aside from the fact that he has physically assaulted you, the characteristics you describe (domineering/controlling/verbally abusive/etc) are literally the textbook trademarks of an abuser's personality. This is not your fault, nor should it be your responsibility to fix, but you do need to understand the seriousness & complexity of what you're dealing with, and the limitations you face in being able to control his reactions & behavior.
I have had a bit of experience with this sort of thing myself and know how quickly things can go South. Please protect yourself. It's really the most important thing.
Aside from the fact that he has physically assaulted you, the characteristics you describe (domineering/controlling/verbally abusive/etc) are literally the textbook trademarks of an abuser's personality. This is not your fault, nor should it be your responsibility to fix, but you do need to understand the seriousness & complexity of what you're dealing with, and the limitations you face in being able to control his reactions & behavior.
I have had a bit of experience with this sort of thing myself and know how quickly things can go South. Please protect yourself. It's really the most important thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 323
Ok a few schools of thought on this.
#1 My brother would not shut the **** up about my 2 DUIs. This was a regular topic that he desired to bring up each time we talked. It became a normal topic to him, like the weather or dinner. It got to a point where I said "look, I'm sorry that happened and I feel bad about it, but if this is what you are going to bring up every time we talk I'm going to be honest with you I probably won't be answering your calls very often". He immediately stopped the behavior and we moved forward
#2 I forgave someone for something really big, and asked them to forgive me for something really big. I'm not going to go into the details but it was heavy heavy stuff. If you start the conversation in a sincere way by saying "I was wrong for doing .. and saying.. and I'm asking you to forgive me".
In my whole life, I can't remember anyone EVER saying words like this to me. It was a very spiritual moment and one I will never forget, and I think the other person was as overwhelmed with emotion as I was.
Anyway continuing on, I worded mine like "I want you to know I forgive you for anything bad you ever did to me and its my wish that someday you could forgive me for the wrongs i've done to you"
Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
#3 I was in an abusive relationship where I was hit, made to feel worthless, had every moment of my life controlled and was cut off from my friends. The relationship got so bad I remember on many occasions saying "You're abusing me. Can't you see that? Its clear as day that you're abusing me and I want you to stop". This person would flip it back on me, instead saying that I was abusive during our arguments when I was not. Relationships are hard at times. Only you know if you are being abused. Deep down inside, do you feel this person is abusive? If so you have to give them an ultimatum in my opinion. If this is just a spell, maybe it can be worked through.
#1 My brother would not shut the **** up about my 2 DUIs. This was a regular topic that he desired to bring up each time we talked. It became a normal topic to him, like the weather or dinner. It got to a point where I said "look, I'm sorry that happened and I feel bad about it, but if this is what you are going to bring up every time we talk I'm going to be honest with you I probably won't be answering your calls very often". He immediately stopped the behavior and we moved forward
#2 I forgave someone for something really big, and asked them to forgive me for something really big. I'm not going to go into the details but it was heavy heavy stuff. If you start the conversation in a sincere way by saying "I was wrong for doing .. and saying.. and I'm asking you to forgive me".
In my whole life, I can't remember anyone EVER saying words like this to me. It was a very spiritual moment and one I will never forget, and I think the other person was as overwhelmed with emotion as I was.
Anyway continuing on, I worded mine like "I want you to know I forgive you for anything bad you ever did to me and its my wish that someday you could forgive me for the wrongs i've done to you"
Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
#3 I was in an abusive relationship where I was hit, made to feel worthless, had every moment of my life controlled and was cut off from my friends. The relationship got so bad I remember on many occasions saying "You're abusing me. Can't you see that? Its clear as day that you're abusing me and I want you to stop". This person would flip it back on me, instead saying that I was abusive during our arguments when I was not. Relationships are hard at times. Only you know if you are being abused. Deep down inside, do you feel this person is abusive? If so you have to give them an ultimatum in my opinion. If this is just a spell, maybe it can be worked through.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
My husband has never been verbally or physically abusive--infact he tends to keep everything in, which is not good either. I do, however, know of the guilt you probably feel for whatever you think you've done to him. I know I have treated my husband worse than I ever imagined I could treat another human being. If I was him, I would have left me long ago. Somehow you need to let go of that guilt and do what's best for YOU. You getting hurt isn't going to fix anything or help him feel better about things. And no, you're not being selfish. I think when you're going through recovery, you NEED to be focused on yourself so that you succeed. Good luck to you!
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