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Old 03-21-2011, 09:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
Che
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If you have a misconception about me...


This was originally going to be a response to GreenAces thread, but I felt like it became less about relating to him and more about telling my own story... So here's a separate thread.

I am on my third serious go. I had about 7 months my second time when I started questioning the reasons I quit. I thought they were crap reasons, and to be honest they were. Still, it really wasn't worth taking up alcohol again. This time I think I have a better set of reasons which will last.

1st go: Drinking is making me stupid and I want to be as strong as possible to succeed as an artist. Also I will impress a girl with my mental fortitude. [lasts 3-4 months]
2nd go: I don't want to lie to a specific person about my drinking anymore. I am worried about my liver and general health. It is not possible to continue drinking as frequently as I do and still be healthy in 5-10 years. [lasts 7 months]
3rd go: I hate myself when I drink. It makes me sick, it's emotionally draining, and it doesn't do anything good for me. [ashamed to say it's only been a week, especially given that I still gave advice occasionally on SR when I was not doing well myself]

Writing it out and looking at it analytically, I guess my reasons really didn't change that much at all. I've just started taking career goals and other people out of the equation... Meaning if I am discouraged about my career or people, I don't give myself an excuse to go back to drinking.

This is where I decided to make this a new thread. Is it enough to be its own thread? It's still halfway between a response and its own topic.

I guess I feel like enough users on SR recognise my ID to deserve to know what my situation actually is. The lying thread reminded me of that so this is my atonement. I am sorry to any SR goers who thought I was doing really well, because the truth is I'm really not I try to post positive things on this forum to encourage people in their own struggles, but I should really fix myself first before I start trying to mess with other people. I hope no one feels like I have been fooling them with a false image of success thru sheer mental-constitution. That is my method of choice, but obviously it's a work in progress. I think I've grown a lot as a person and that these attempts were necessary for a solid recovery.

If I continue from here I will say lots of unnecessary things. I don't want to offend people who swear by AA. I don't want to try to preemptively respond to things people might say. I am a recluse of the worst kind and I feel quickly depressed when I am around others, even people I like. I can put up a show for a little bit, but the truth is that immediately after the interaction is over I am awash with miserable feelings about the encounter. That is a truth about myself which many friends would probably be offended to hear... I try to be self-reliant, and I am going to be consistent with that in my recovery. I don't think I've ever met anyone I could depend on, possibly because people don't think I'm worth it, and so I don't want to stake my recovery on outside sources when such things fail so consistently in my life. (sorry for the last minute pity party)

Ok, that's all... Now you all know a little more about me.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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How about answering this one Che, why do you want to drink?
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I don't.

I relapsed the second time because I didn't like the idea that I quit for people who don't care about me.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Well if you don't want to drink why do you continue to pick up the bottle?

I am not trying to be a harda$$ here, but I found at least with myself that until I really took and active stance in my recovery I couldn't quit. Now consciously I wanted to quit bad, but subconscious I still longed for the drink. This made me feel like I was wishy washy at first, then it made me feel if I really had no power whatsoever over it. This killed me consciously, but I think it made my subconscious rather happy because I was still going to get my fix.

It wasn't until I started taking this recovery thing serious hour to hour then day to day before I was able to break the grasp it had on my subconscious.

If you really want to stop without the help of a major program, you have to work your own method hourly then daily then weekly, until not drinking becomes natural and prefered even subconsciously over drinking. Until you do this you will continue going back to the bottle, and when you aren't drinking you will really wish you were.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
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If I wanted to drink I would be drinking right now. If you're asking me why did I drink before, you have to ask me that because it's a different question. Are you asking me if I have a yearning to drink right now? I don't. I am too sick of it. You ask me why do I continue to pick up the bottle, but I am not? Why did I continue to pick up the bottle a month ago? That's a different question as well, and you need to ask me that if that's what you mean.

I'm not picking up the bottle right now, and I don't want to drink right now. I don't know how else to answer that question if you really do mean the present tense.
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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No apologies necessary as far as I see it Che. I encourage everyone who needs it to ask for help tho - there's no shame in it, and no rule that says we always have to post sunshine and lollipops - that won't help much, I've found

I think you might be isolating yourself a little Che...and maybe over analysing things a little too...I've found great support here and people I really can depend on. I had to make a huge lap of faith though to do that and that was difficult.

I think you're worth it - I think everyone is.

I had huge self esteem problems for years too - counselling really helped me sort some stuff out. Have you tried that option?

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Old 03-21-2011, 10:07 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I hate drinking so much. It scares me that I believe I am 100% on board with this idea of not drinking and yet somehow many of us end up relapsing. Still I think its the courage to ante up again and come back to this way of life that makes all the difference.

Keep coming back Che. I hope we both get it right this time.
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Che, I apologize if I misunderstood your initial post. If you aren't drinking and you don't want to drink again then you are on the right path. Sorry again if I misunderstood. Good luck.
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
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No problem, Supercrew.

UniqueNewYork, I think it's okay to fail, learn, and try again. You have to be earnest, but you have to be realistic too. Not many people quit anything they're addicted to the first go around. I think if you worry too much about your failures, you'll do disservice to yourself. Life is about testing yourself and experimenting... It is normal. But I've tested the effects of alcohol on my body enough, and I've got to say there's not a doubt in my mind that alcohol is a purely negative force in my life. I hope you've come to the same conclusion as well, and we can finally quit for good.
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Old 03-21-2011, 11:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I have failed so many times. People think I have been sober for years but this is a lie. I am sober today and that is all that matters. Right now and then the next twenty-four hours.
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Old 03-22-2011, 04:13 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
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No problem, Supercrew.

UniqueNewYork, I think it's okay to fail, learn, and try again. You have to be earnest, but you have to be realistic too. Not many people quit anything they're addicted to the first go around. I think if you worry too much about your failures, you'll do disservice to yourself. Life is about testing yourself and experimenting... It is normal. But I've tested the effects of alcohol on my body enough, and I've got to say there's not a doubt in my mind that alcohol is a purely negative force in my life. I hope you've come to the same conclusion as well, and we can finally quit for good.
Che....lots of folks here will tell you they also fell off the wagon, and at some point won the battle. I do think that something has to be different or change in our thought processes to finally get it. Keep working at it...I will too.
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Old 03-22-2011, 04:22 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Che, thanks for posting your story and telling us your reasons....i can relate to some of your circumstances.

no apology is needed to me....I'm glad that you keep doing what the rest of us do...get up every AM and decide not to drink.

I hope you have a good day!
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:16 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Che,

It is completely your choice how to go about this. But I just gotta say that so much of the stuff you talk about that makes you give up and pick up a bottle is the kind of thing that the Steps address directly. I wish you would give it a chance--I think it would relieve a lot of those unpleasant feelings. That said, nothing further from me on that subject.

I think it's very good that you revealed yourself a little more in this post. Isolating isn't good for alcoholics.

Wishing you the best,
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:27 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Guilty of the same thing Che I fell on my a$$ last week and back to one week sober. So there is at least one other one in the boat with you. Come on and lets beat this thing together!
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:55 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Che, my boyhood idol was Che Guevera. I read his Bolivian Diary when I was 12 and it had a big impact on the way I see the world. Che literally dedicated his life to the cause believed in: liberating the poor of latin America from the chains of imperialism and capitalist exploitation. But then you know that, don't you Che? Che, you have nothing to apologize for. We all have our slumps. Even your namesake was far from perfect.

As a young man I was inspired by Che to become an activist, and then to go to law school in order to become a more useful and effective activist. Unfortunately, along the way I also became a functioning alcoholic, which made me a much less useful activist, not to mention a lesser dad and husband than I could have been. When I was drinking or hung over I often thought about what Che the dedicated revolutionary would think of a drunk like me.

I'm now 50 and only 31 day sober, but I am loving it and looking forward to being someone who wife and kids can depend on for the rest of my life. I also love the fact that I once again feel the kind of passion and energy for changing the world that I used to feel, and I'm beginning to feel like a useful activist again.

Che, many of your posts on SR have been very helpful to me and I am grateful to you. Your frank honesty and humility in this thread are some of the magnificent qualities that Che the revolutionary embodied, and are exactly the kinds of things that inspire and motivate me to be a better man. Thank you for that, and I wish you all the best in your recovery.
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Old 03-22-2011, 07:34 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Thank You Che for your honesty! I was let down by a bunch of people in my life. I've learned you make new friends that care for you more than the ones lost. I'm very grateful for that. I rolled around in the self-pity for a while. It was a learning experience. I'm a better person now and found out what's really important in my life. I have to take care of me first to stay healthy and sober. I was the one who took care of everyone else and neglected to do the same for me.

Love yourself enough and be sober for you and no one but you! Your worth it.

Best Wishes to You!
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Old 03-22-2011, 09:35 AM   #17 (permalink)
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"I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career, I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over in my life. And that's why I succeed!" - Michael Jordan

Everyone fails sometimes, do not give up!!!
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Old 03-22-2011, 09:54 AM   #18 (permalink)
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I'm glad you shared a bit more of your journey with us...
Wishing you a sober productive future
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