TwelveSteps

What you've learned from this is that your family members don't seem to be the sort of people who can support you in your sobriety the way you need to be supported. I don't have siblings, but the kind of friends I have would have been glad to invite me and would have offered to not serve alcohol at all if it would make me more comfortable (this has actually happened).

So perhaps a constructive reaction would be for you to think about how you can build the relationships with people who DO support your sobriety. Have you made friends at meetings that you could invite to do something outside a meeting? Any family members you could meet up with that weekend and do something fun?

After the party, you can bring by a nice present for your nephew and continue building a great relationship with one member of your family who will grow up having never remembered you drinking -- and that's better than any party!

GG

OklaBH

Im sending the gifts with my dad. Its not like I have discussed my sobriety with them. You have to understand that my words mean nothing to them. If I told them I was in AA, working the steps, talking to you guys, talking to a sponsor etc....they would either not believe me at all or assume its a phase.

UniqueNewYork

This just made me bow my head in deep thought. I paused for a minute and this is what I thought of. I made friends in sobriety who love me. I mean really love me. And I love them. There are people from the past I hope things get fixed with. But if they don't work out, all I can do is move on and keep building good things with new people.

LexieCat

Okla, give it time. You will have plenty of wonderful holidays and happy occasions to spend with your nephew in years to come.

PLEASE try your best not to grow a huge resentment over this. It's natural to feel hurt, but try to put it in perspective. The family dynamics WILL change for the better, as long as you don't turn this into a grudge.

wanttobehealthy

I don't know you or your family but I am married to an alcoholic and I believed his words for years and they never, ever held up. Is it possible that your family went through the same with you?

My husband has a huge amount of resentment toward me for not "believing" that he is going to change this time. It's not that I don't believe him, it's that I am protecting myself this time. Give your family some time. 1 month of sobriety is really great and could not have been easy for you, but at the same time, to the family who has seen years of alcoholic behavior, been lied to, etc... one month is not a ton of time.

Show with your actions that things are different and show that consistently over time. That will go a long way toward showing your family that you're a different person than the one they feel hurt by.

I'm sorry you were excluded-- that would hurt me a lot too. Sending you warm thoughts and wishes...

OklaBH

I've talked to my sponsor and a few AA friends. I'm going to surround myself with positive, nice people who believe in me and care. I'm actually going to a new meeting tonight. I've gone above and beyond for my family. If they want to turn their back on me as I'm doing better and in recovery that is on them. Moving on! All I can do is ask my HP to remove the hurt and grant them some calm.

Mark75

Sorry you are hurtin'

Own your feelings, deal with them appropriately and you won't have to drink. You are where God needs you to be right now...

It gets better, so much better... Have faith.

jamdls

Okla, I hope you do something special for YOU. It takes time for others to forgive us, my daughter didn't want anything to do with me when I quit drinking and did not allow me to be alone with my grandson for nearly 2 yrs after I quit, it hurt bad but I had hurt her, bad, for many years prior. I've now been recovered for 3.5 yrs and just in the last 4-6 mths have I felt that my daughter is forgiving me and trusting me and I feel I've now earned that forgiveness and trust.

Fandy

you mentioned that your family drinks (socially)? like normal people? maybe your sobriety just makes them uncomfortable?

If YOU know that you have gone above and beyond and you demonstrate good behavior, the family rifts will heal.

you might trying talking to your sister? at a later date and just tell her how much her actions of specifically excluding you hurt. then be done with it and move on.

i'm glad you have others to spend the day with.

OklaBH

Yep they drink. Its not my call as to weather they have a problem or not. I've tried to talk to my sister and she called me a drunk liar.its best I let the guy upstairs handle it. I'm not equiped right now to deal with meaness.

Fandy

I agree....you are feeling fragile and don't need the extra stress.

I think you have put some great strategies in place to cope with a very difficult circumstance.

i was specifically excluded from a family function at one time (nothing to do with booze) and i was sooo upset too...(and on top of it my beloved cat died unexpectedly that same week)..i remember sitting at the computer crying and drinking the Sunday away.

you are light years ahead of me.

24hrsAday

i have a family with many issues of their own. i stay away from them by choice. if they want to talk they got my phone # if not.. keep your chin up and take care of you!

sailorjohn

This reads like a blessing in disguise. I take it they will be consuming alcohol at the party? If so, probably a very good idea for you to avoid those situations at this time.

OklaBH

LOL thanks but not quite. I have light years to go my friend. I think this meeting tonight will help immensley though

OklaBH

I agree. Yes, there will be drinking, they all drink but I am the worst. I've grown enough to admity that. It is better I'm not there

Fandy

maybe this is actually a very good thing. the event will pass, you have been thoughtful enough to send a gift for the baby and you will protect your sobriety by not being around booze mixed with a big dose of stress and a side dish of feeling defensive.

Kjell

Could it be, that you weren't invited, b/c of past harms you've caused? Or b/c they think the party will go much smoother for everyone there if you're not there?

Maybe even that the focus of this party is to be on the child whose bday it is?

I'm not saying this to be cruel, but often times it's best to look inward, instead of outward and understand our part in this all and take responsability for ourselves.

I'm 15 months sober and I don't get invited too often now either, but that is starting to change b/c people are seeing my actions for what they are, instead of my words which use to mean nothing.

Once again, the AA promises are coming true.

Kjell~

skg

I apologized a thousand times, and each time I went back out. Poor me. Poor, poor, pitiful me--couldn't they see I was remorseful? Poor me, Poor me, Pour me another and I'd be stealing the party from the host again, all sloppy, stupid, remorseful and disgusting.

I was full of self-pity and remorse when I started to sober up but I didn't know it. The presence and the power of the guilt was overwhelming, so when I was told to do some things (in order) towards cleaning my own house and THEN start working on the harm I had done others, I balked. It didn't happen overnight.

I was told that some people might never forgive me, but there was a process that could relieve me of that guilt and shame, make inroads towards clearing the ledger, and at least I could make things as right as I was responsible. I could leave the rest up to my Higher Power.

The message was that relationships can heal--but ONLY if I stopped drinking and worked on my recovery.

Wringing my hands together with worry, self-pity and remorse never seemed to have any effect other than to send me back to my addictions. Once more.

OklaBH

I went to a new meeting tonight but recognized almost everyone there LOL you know...people have real problems in life. I'm a selfish, childish bitch to spend time upset about a 1 year olds birthday party...geez

Dee74

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself.

It's a real adjustment getting sober...for everyone...but as long as you're learning and growing you're going in the right direction IMO

D