Rift

A lot of times when I drank the next day I would feel this sense of guilt and overall shame in whatever it was that I had done the night before. I admit to a lot of things that to this day that I truly regret.

How can I get past these feelings and not worry about other people's opinion of me who may think I'm a drunk or a complete idiot?

I just feel like people talk behind my back a lot and I end up losing relationships/friendships and it all makes me feel bad about myself. Sometimes to the point that I wouldn't leave the house after a binge or a heavy night of drinking.

The only way I can come up with is just knowing that when I was drunk that I wasn't being my true self and basically just ignoring people who seem to have a problem with me b/c of my drunken behavior. When I see certain people when I'm sober it's like they avoid me or give me weird looks.

I know I am a good person, it's just at times when I drank the "monster" or a completely different personality came out of me.

LexieCat

People haven't gotten to know the sober you, yet. Give them a chance.

You WILL live down your reputation if you keep doing the next right thing. Do your best to let go of any resentments you have. You probably did a lot of damage when you were drinking, and it takes time to repair it.

I forget, are you in AA? The Steps will help you clean up your past so you can hold your head up.

Opivotal

You can't take back your past. None of us can. I was humiliated, embarrassed, and shamed by my behavior while drinking. Now that I am sober I can hold my head up and compose myself with dignity. People can see this and will respect you for it. It may not happen all at once but in time they will see it wasn't really you doing all those things it was the alcohol. You have to learn to forgive yourself. Have faith that the path you are following is the right one.

I remember the Monster too Downwithdisease. Its gone now and will never return, as long as I stay sober. Believe in your last statement " I know I'm a good person". I wouldn't let other people make me feel bad about myself. If I'm doing the right things and living my life the best I can I don't care what other people think of my past. It is after all.....my PAST.

Best Wishes to You! :ghug3

justdave

I know exactly what you are feeling, DwD.

I feel guilt and shame about my actions all the time. I am not looking forwarding to Easter and dinner with my family. I have not seen any of my extended family since before 'The Meltdown' last month that finally convinced me to stop for good. Because of it, they all know the details of how bad my drinking was and my behavior while intoxicated.

My spouse reveled all to our families and her friends. I am completely embarrassed.

Alcohol brought to the surface all my character flaws. Now that I have removed alcohol from my life, I am working on the flaws. Booze wasn't my only problem I now realize.

I have a lot of work to do, repairing the relationships that can be fixed and moving on from the ones that can't.

Rift

I don't know. It all just comes back to me sometimes. Almost like a random flashback. Just bad times I had when I was wasted or times when I made a total ass of myself. I've had an occasional aggressive kind of meltdown where I might have thrown a drunken tantrum. It just sucks to have these memories come back to you when you have "reflective" times. Maybe it all happens for a reason...weeding out people that should not be in my life anyway. I just wish some people could forgive me and know that I wasn't being myself.

Normally, I am a pretty laid back, introverted, kinda quiet guy. I am nice to people and I have the ability to sympathize with people and relate to their personal issues. I give people the benefit of the doubt, but it just doesn't seem like I get that in return.

But you are right opivotal...the past is the past and I should not let people get me down.

Thanks.

Rift

No, I'm not in AA. I can't bring myself to go yet. I know one step or part of it is to apologize to people who you might have hurt or if you did something really stupid. I just don't know if I can bring up the past with people from my past. I really don't even want to go there ya know. I have pretty much avoided a lot of people from my past. I did this when I drank too. There were just groups of people I would try and avoid b/c of their perception of me and/or I just dislike these people now for various reasons.

Rift

I plan on trying an AA meeting very soon. I'm just not sure when yet. I guess I'm a bit apprehensive about it all.

Rift

Yep, I know I have some other issues. I know what my problems are and they are going to be hard to fix, but I do know booze will not help.

MsCooterBrown

I used to be there. I like the live and let live concept. I was madder than a wet hen (or whatever that saying is) for the first three months of my sobriety. And I have every reason to be! But it dawned on me..It is just affecting me. So now I go with the "living well is the best revenge" ...The longer I have been sober...the less angry I am becoming. So even though you are feeling remorse and guilt..anger can apply because all these feelings are not going to get us anywhere! Actions speak louder than words..that is the best thing to go by in sobriety. You can talk till you are blue in the face..They will notice when you walk the walk...I wish you peace!

MsCooterBrown

What is up with the time on SR...I used to be on time..now I see my post are two hours behind. Daylight savings time is one hour ahead...I am so confused....I should show 1 hr ahead..what zone am I in? wtf...

NobleCause

I get these too - a sudden rush of years of fragmented memories of the mortifying, embarassing, scary, or downright traumatizing sort that were borne of my drinking. My drinking self was often the polar opposite of my sober self - very much the "monster" personality phenomenon you described, and I lost a lot of relationships and respect because of it.

I've spent a huge amount of time over the past few years paralyzed and preoccupied by guilt, shame, what I imagined others thought of me because of my public nosedives, and what others knew that I didn't even know (was a prolific blackout drinker). It turned me into a self loathing, paranoid, reclusive, miserable human being with little incentive to live much less get or stay sober.

I still struggle with the guilt & shame of my past daily, like from the very moment I wake up each morning, but I'm learning to acknowledge it, not let it suck me into a rabbit hole, and move on thru the day in spite of it. Meditation can be great for this. As well as simply the passage of time. It was once pointed out to me that guilt itself becomes selfish at a certain point, wherein it serves to reinforce the ego's sense of self importance. It's a bit of a paradox, but thinking of it in those terms is helpful to me in letting go and accepting the past as strictly that.

LexieCat

Just so you know, there are Twelve Steps for a reason. You don't get to the "making amends" part (Step 9) until you have worked the preceding ones, which prepare you to do that.

Don't get ahead of yourself. Just know that when you are ready to start getting better, REALLY better, there is a way to do that. The Steps are an orderly way to change your whole life. The early Steps prepare you for the later ones.

I suggest you go to a meeting. There isn't any obligation--nobody is going to force you into anything you aren't willing to do. But my bet is you will meet a whole bunch of people who aren't carrying the burden of the past anymore, and that you will want what they have.

Stang

Can't be any worse than I acted! Instant dumbass just add alcohol!

jamdls

Downwith, I spent my first year of sobriety basically in hiding, as my brain started to function more properly so many memories of my drunken episodes came flooding back to me and I was filled with shame; I rarely left my home that first year except to go to work I even felt shame around new people I met who knew nothing about my drinking. I'm still not 'proud' of my drunken self but I no longer feel shame and the memories no longer haunt me, time does heal--the further we get from our mistakes the less they haunt us. AA meetings weren't for me but the AA principles/steps played a big role in my recovery as did prayer. As for other people in your life it will take time for them to heal and forgive as well, my adult daughter barely spoke to me the first year I was sober and I could tell the way she looked at me she was angry and didn't trust me but she's come around, she'll never forget as I'll never forget but we can both look past my past.

Sugah

When I was drunk, the way I acted and the things I said may not have been "the real me," but it was my body doing the acting and my mouth doing the speaking. Very few people understand and are tolerant of drunken behavior or want to hear "it wasn't really me you saw/heard/were subjected to."

And I did not, after getting sober, look up all the people who may have had a negative impression of me based upon my drunken behavior. I did, eventually, go to those I knew that I'd hurt and do my best to make it right, but for those who merely had the misfortune of seeing me drunk, I "made amends" by not being drunk in their company again. Seeing me consistently sober changed the minds of some folks but not everyone. And that's okay.

The thing I had to learn if I wanted any chance to stay sober is that I'm not responsible for being an alcoholic--I was born that way--but I am responsible for my recovery. Others will tell you they crossed a line in their drinking and became alcoholic, and the same goes for them. They can't, through the exertion of will, become a normal drinker again. Part of the responsibility of recovery is owning the past and cleaning up the messes I made. If I didn't do that, I don't believe I would have stayed sober.

First, though, came a process of surrender where I faced what I had done and learned to forgive myself. So, rather than shrinking in horror at the thought that you might have to face your past, why not find someone who's done it and stayed sober as a result? Ask that person to help you. I found my person at a meeting.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

OklaBH

This ia an awesome thread and has reallly helped me today. HUGS!

PaperDolls

Personally, I wasn't able to actually work through this shame and guilt I felt until I worked the 12 steps. Therapy helped a ton as well.

I still have memories crop up every once and a while but they don't affect me as strongly as they used to. I have regret for things I have done in the past and I know that the only way I can make some of those things right today is to try not to be that person any more.