wanttobehealthy

Question:

I'm the wife on an alcoholic. For the past 6 months he's swung like a pendulum between all out "I want to be sober and recover" to "f this"...

Last night was the latest in terms of his tiring after a week (not even) of being sober and looking for a reason to blame me/justify drinking...

What he's started telling me (and maybe he's right so I want others in his shoes opinions) is this:

- you don't give me enough positive praise/feedback/acknowledgement for all that I am doing (being sober for x number of days, and "lying less"- his words).

I actually have given him lots of kudos for this (which seems slightly ridiculous to me that a grown man should get constant praise for doing what is expected) but I guess the fact is this: If I DARE set boundaries or tell him I won't tolerate certain behavior, his go to response is "give me a break-- look at all I AM doing and you aren't praising me enough for it"...

Is he right? Should I just praise him for what he does and give him tons of kudos for whatever he's doing?

It doesn't feel right to do that but who knows...

It feels to me that he's trying to manipulate and convince himself and me that doing the bare minimum is enough... But maybe I am wrong.

LexieCat

It's a BS excuse for drinking, that's all.

least

That's the way it seems to me too... Complaining that his sobriety depends on getting enough praise sounds like something a two year old would do: blaming others for their failings.

wanttobehealthy

I think that there MAY come a time when I will learn that my instincts are right... Living with someone who gaslights, denies my reality and makes me question it too, projects etc... for 8+ yrs has done a number of my ability to trust my judgement.

I feel like I don't expect praise for doing what is expected but then again maybe trying to recover from alcoholism, the rules are different... I'd be HAPPY to be told I am wrong-- in fact I wish I were bc it would be a lot easier than fighting against his sick thinking...

He's even got his family (mother) telling me that I need to "boost" him up more... There's a difference in my mind between boosting someone up and being supportive and the kind of unconditional, unending, constant (and even then it would not be enough) treatment that my AH expects... He expects praise for whatever teeny thing he does and demands that no one "criticize" him or tell him what he "did wrong" EVER (when I say "I don't appreciate x" that's me criticizing or telling him he's bad...)

UGH.

ImReadyToQuit

+1

My wife tells me the truth about my sober time.. She says "You're only doing what you're SUPPOSED to be doing, you aren't special.."

LaFemme

I'm so sorry you are dealing with and it doesn't sound like you have a lot of support. Have you considered al anon or other counseling for yourself?

I have 8 months sober and outside of SR no one has ever given me praise for finally getting my life together

recycle

WantTo, your husband is sick there really isn't anything you can do to help other than to be healthy yourself and realize what is your stuff, and what is his stuff. Always protect yourself, most of us don't get better. Al-Anon helps many people, and it is probably not what you think it is. Take care.

Che

Ask him if he's quitting drinking because he wants your praise, or if he's quitting drinking because he wants to quit.

It's an excuse. I think people should be supportive and conscious of the trials of an alcoholic, but the alcoholic him or herself should not be dependent on that support, or be doing it because he or she craves that support.

If he drinks again and says it's because you don't congratulate him everyday, it's definitely not your fault. At the same time, there are bench marks like one week, one month, 6 months, a year which I think you really should say something nice to him about quitting alcohol... And in general, you're in a relationship, you should be nice to each other about other things too. His one act of kindness can't be quitting alcohol, and you can't say quitting alcohol isn't something he's doing because he cares about others... That's what I think.

edit: At the same time he really needs to thank you for putting up with him, the irritability that comes with quit alcohol, etc. Don't get me wrong.

wanttobehealthy

I made a point to mark his 1 week, and 1 month date (he conveniently forgets that).

I go to al anon but haven't been in 2 weeks bc I haven't wanted to leave the girls alone with him to go to a meeting.

I have a therapist and he's very helpful but clearly I have myself good and enmeshed and need a lot of help/recovery of my own...

What I've noticed is that when I do detach and try and get my own act together my AH seems to ramp up his efforts to suck me back in... I try and fight it but when I spend time with him in person (as I did this weekend due to D3's bday) I find it really really hard to not take the bait...

Our "dance" is that he accuses me of something hurtful (and untrue), I defend myself and on and on it goes...

justanothrdrunk

Ask yourself this:
Is it reasonable to expect praise for something we should be doing anyway?

skg

Get thee to Alanon. YOU are not responsible, IN ANY WAY, for his addictions. YOU did not cause it, YOU can not control it, YOU will not change it. You are not the problem.

wanttobehealthy

That's what I said to him and the reaction I got was the nastiest of the day... I told him I could see when he was trying that my telling him I saw that effort was important (and I gave it to him) but telling him repeatedly how great he is for being honest or keeping his word (things his mother continues to do-- to listen to her you'd think he was a saint-- she makes him think that bc he is not a total F up like his siblings that anything he does that's not that great really is counteracted by "all" his achievements like having a job, having kids etc..) really seems insane to me.

Che

I'm sorry to hear this Your husband is being very unreasonable then, and I don't think alcohol can be wholly blamed. I don't want to speculate... Just do what you need to do for yourself, because you are not a tool for his recovery. If you are already are being supportive and he wants something more... Well there is no more. The rest is just hard work and trying not to be a burden on everyone around you. It doesn't seem like alcohol is his only problem... There's a lot of growing up and taking responsibility for himself that he needs to do too.

skg

The people that I could ill afford to be honest with in "My Dirty Little Secret," that I can't stop, were those closest to me. If those people did knew, they'd try to 'help' me into healthy lifestyles or (GASP) try to make me stop.
You cannot fix this, but you CAN set up some boundaries: You can learn how to love someone without approving of their disease; You can remove the enabling that happens under the auspices of love and let him experience consequences; You can stop helping him lie; You can surround yourself with people who have been through what you're going through and have learned The Steps apply to them as well.
Try AlAnon. What AA does for drinking, AlAnon does for relationships.
Or you can continue the insanity you're currently pursuing...

Fandy

it sounds as if he is dragging you into his own personal fight....or trying.

it's not your job to spoon feed him praise for staying sober and "not lying"....what is he a 10 year old finally learning potty training?

you say that you do not want to leave your children alone with him? do you not trust him for what reasons?

maybe he just needs to GROW UP and accept responsibility????/ or go back to getting a pat on the head from mama.

i'm sorry it's just that i never heard anyone expect to be praised for NOT lying.

JoeStrummer

Bang on, but in his alcohol muddled mind he probably believes his nonsense. I drank throughout my marriage and behaved in the same self-pitying, self-destructive way your husband is behaving. My wife encouraged me to quit, and praised me when I made 1/2 assed efforts, but it was never enough. I didn't really grow up and sober up until she gave up and threw me out. Even then I continued with the self-pity, anger, depression and drinking for months. In fact, for a while my drinking actually increased.

Now that I'm finally sober and thinking clearly I realize that I put her through hell. I may never get her back, but at least now I have her respect, which is worth more to me than all the wine in France.

Take care of yourself. If he's going to get sober he's going to have to really want it. Sounds to me like he's not nearly there yet, and he might never get there as long as mama is taking care of him. Not very long ago I was just like him, so it all sounds very familiar.

wanttobehealthy

He drinks, at 8 am or earlier on occasion when alone with them. They are 3 and 5 and he thinks he's a "fun" and "silly" Dad when he's drinking and with them and my 5 yr old freaks out when I leave to go for a run and leave them alone with him for an hour. That tells me she doesn't feel safe.

He has left them alone, albeit when they were sleeping, but still alone, at night to go to the store to get beer.

He has been passed out or tired due to being hungover and when they've gotten up from a nap with him home alone with them and he's been "resting" too he's told them to go play alone and goes back to sleep.

He has forgotten to pick them up from daycare bc he's come home from work, gotten drunk and passed out.

I am sure I can think of other examples if I try. I don't trust him alone with them.

wanttobehealthy

I just got an email from her, cc'd to him outlining all the ways in which I am abusive to her son. CHARMING. Not quite. Clearly my asking him to make a decision for himself and asking when he planned to patch the hole in the roof he's been promising to do for 2 weeks is being abusive.

This is the same family by the way that on the night before he was headed to inpatient rehab (which he never wound up going to) called him to come down for a visit (to say bye) and encouraged him to have a few beers with the rest of them because he needed a way to relax from the stress I was causing him.

Seriously.

They are more interested in keeping him a part of their sick family dynamic than helping him. Whenever he shows he wants to move away (emotionally) from them, they go all out to suck him back in. It is complete insanity.

Fandy

good grief!!! i am so sorry that you are being double-whammied.

if he doesn't stop drinking, and his family is only enabling him to continue drinking (while trashing you in the process)????? WTF???

it's a battle you won't win. i have read your other thread in F&F and another one....Do what you know is right and protect your children.

maybe one day he will wake up but by then you will have hopefully re-grouped and moved on. i hope you are able to secure finances and move your assets around so he (and mama) don't drain you.

it sounds like he is doing whatever he can to make your life as difficult as possible.

BlackShip

My ex used to praise me when I would go a day or two or three without drinking. The only thing it would do is let me convince myself that I am doing great and I deserve a beer with lunch, which of course put me right back on a bender. The praise kind of jaded the reality of how deep of a hole I am actually in. She eventually walked out because of the drinking, and she probably thought she had done all she could do even though the praising and pacifying probably did more harm than good.

My advice? Don't pacify an alcoholic.