UniqueNewYork

I keep putting off asking this one relative for forgiveness. I used to go to the shittiest bars I could find to avoid seeing anyone I knew. I ran into my relative's wife in one. I hit on her and said a bunch of offensive things. Some of it I remember and some I don't. At family gatherings they avoid eye contact now and will not talk to me. For the last few meetings I could sense they were angry at me. This last one was especially awful. Instead of anger I sensed something else like pain or sadness. I have literally known this man all my life. Although we have never been close, it feels wrong to continue this way. I have made a lot of excuses to avoid doing the courageous thing. The most prominent excuse I make to myself is that this is nowhere near the worst thing I have done in my drinking, and while true, this is still a horrible thing that continues to hurt people including myself.

I have only asked for forgiveness once that I recall during sobriety. It was for the absolute worst sin I committed. I knew that I could never stop drinking if I didn't. Can you guys give me some advice. It seems like a simple action but feels so complicated.

Dee74

I forget if you're in AA or not, but I think they have the right idea - the amends stage is a later one, put off til we can handle it.

I wouldn't rush amends.
A lot of my amends ended up in the dirt.

I learned the hard way that people forgive me on their time frame not mine.

The object of the exercise really isn't to make ourselves feel better or to expect anything in return, as I see it.

I'd wait until you're sure that making these amends won't make things worse for either party.

D

LexieCat

I forget, have you worked the other Steps, yet?

This is something you should discuss with your sponsor. It sounds a little like your biggest concern is being comfortable at family getherings, rather than making right the wrong that you did.

It also sounds like the wrong you did was to her, not to your relative. If she was in this crappy bar without him, it's possible he doesn't know she was there and you would be creating problems if you went to him.

At the very least, think it over carefully, and pray about it.

omegasupreme

I tend to lean towards what Lexie said. I had to sit in hours/days/months of prayer and meditation to finally have the proper motives to make approaches to members of the opposite sex that I had harmed. Why did it take so long? I am a sick man, my mind kept wanting to pervert the situation again(remember my disease centers in my mind)...had to have every single thought like that smashed. I don't make amends for comfort...I make amends to begin the healing process with someone who's soul I have just absolutely raped. All the BS has to be sorted through to get back to step one, had to see step one behind each amend, the powerless, the unmanageablity, when that happens, at least in my experience, then I am there for the right reason.

Step 9 is ninth(that means after 8).

TheEnd

I would like to piggy back on what everyone else has said and wait till you get to step 9, this is assuming you are in AA. I have a lot of amends to make for the things that I have done, but there is a time and a place.

skg

I continue to work the 12 Steps in all my affairs, but there's absolutely NO REASON you cannot ask forgiveness. Depending upon your faith (or non-faith), forgiveness/redemption may be the cornerstone and departure point toward spiritual growth. GoodONya for wanting to make things right!

Growing a conscience after quitting drinking usually drives those non-Twelve Steppers back to drinking: Not having the tools for dealing with the things like past indiscretions, resentments, and hurtful actions is the downfall of many well-intended dry spell.

Alcoholics must go to any length to right the wrongs done, and that means any length necessary. No shortcuts. The 8th Step says, "Made direct amends where ever possible EXCEPT when to do so would injure them or others." The reason there are 7 steps in front of it is because there's some work to do prior to tottering off willy-nilly to make one's self feel better. There are relationships and feelings at stake. As much as you want to get this off your chest so YOU can feel better, why not consider the offended party? Do the work rather than hunting for one-off quickstep to make yourself feel good? I don't know your whole situation, but I can tell you from experience that handing the turd to someone else just to feel better generally just stinks up the both of you...

Try thinking of the other person for a change...

ZZworldontheweb

Rather than asking forgiveness, how about just humbly apologizing? That way you're not requesting a response or anything from their side, and it might be easier for them to deal with. You could even do it in a letter (handwritten, not email).

GodsHolyWill

I agree that asking for forgiveness is not mainly to make yourself feel better, but to ease the pain of the offended party and to make right as much as possible what wrong has been done. But you do say, "Instead of anger I sensed something else like pain or sadness." If their feelings have turned from anger to sadness and pain, maybe this is the right time to ask for forgiveness. I don't know. I agree that you should pray about it and not rush into it. I think it's wonderful that you want to make amends! God bless you!

keithj

None of my amends have involved asking for forgiveness. That simply wasn't what I was there to do. I was there to admit where I was wrong, and to do my utmost to repair the damage I had caused.