New to the forum, and to recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 72
New to the forum, and to recovery
I've spent hours and hours here over the past few days, and I am grateful for all of you who have shared your stories, your advice, and your struggles.
For years I wasn't sure if I belonged in a place like this. I rationalized my drinking and was pretty certain I wasn't an alcoholic. Maybe a problem drinker, certainly a binge drinker- but "alcoholic" was my father, maybe my brother, but not me. I was able to quit drinking completely during my pregnancies and I basically abstained while I was breastfeeding. Oh, I'd have a glass of wine now and then when I was nursing, but that was it. I was OK. Now that we are done with babies and our youngest is a little less dependent, though, I'm not so okay. I have no "reason" to limit my drinking, and even though I don't drink every day- or even every week- when I do drink I end up out of control and blacking out the great majority of the time. I am usually drinking with my husband. I rationalize by saying it is "safe" for me to get drunk with him, because if I do any kind of acting out (I tend to get overly-physically-affectionate when I drink) it would be with him. Sounds so stupid from a sober perspective, like the only bad thing about drinking is that I might tongue kiss a stranger if my husband isn't there to babysit me.
For the past few months, I've noticed that the guilt and shame I've always felt after drinking has started to come earlier. I feel like crap about drinking even while I am drinking. I hate thinking that my kids will wake up and find me ****-hammered and unable to help them. I don't want them to have memories of me, like I have of my father- passed out, vomiting, breaking promises. And yet, I find myself again and again thinking that sharing a bottle of wine over dinner will be fine. Or having a beer with our pizza. Or just one shot of that really good whiskey. I couldn't tell you the last time it was just that one drink though.
Last weekend my brother brought over a bottle of extremely good whiskey. We started drinking together- "the family lushes" we call ourselves. Hilarious, right? After we got our kids in bed we left our spouses here to go to the bar. We had a pretty amazing conversation about life, our struggles with alcohol, our relationships. It's been a long time since we've bonded like that and it was good. But I also blacked out. Again. I remember little pieces- just enough to make my usual feelings of guilt and shame intensify as my brain frantically tries to fill in what happened with the worst possible scenario. I am absolutely terrified that I might have acted inappropriately, and that I'll be out with my family and someone will confront me about it. My anxiety level is still through the roof, and I feel so guilty over allowing myself to get out of control on a night when I said I didn't want to drink at all. This has to stop.
I feel like I have to do this alone. My husband doesn't have alcohol problems and I don't think he "gets it" that sure, *he* can drink and get drunk and go on with life, but *I* can't. I just can't. I hate it that I can't, I feel weak, I feel like a failure, and I feel deeply, deeply flawed. I hate looking into myself and seeing this lack of control over something that everyone else just takes for granted. I feel like no one in my life- except maybe my brother- really understands that I don't have to be a full-time drunk to be an alcoholic. My husband has said to me: "One beer isn't going to hurt you." And I guess I am finally realizing that he's wrong, because once I have one beer I might as well have another, and then it's only a matter of time until I'm waking up with my clothes still on and my makeup smeared over my pillow, wondering what in God's name happened the night before.
So, again, thank you for this forum and for sharing your stories, and for giving me a safe place to start this journey. You give me hope that I can do this.
For years I wasn't sure if I belonged in a place like this. I rationalized my drinking and was pretty certain I wasn't an alcoholic. Maybe a problem drinker, certainly a binge drinker- but "alcoholic" was my father, maybe my brother, but not me. I was able to quit drinking completely during my pregnancies and I basically abstained while I was breastfeeding. Oh, I'd have a glass of wine now and then when I was nursing, but that was it. I was OK. Now that we are done with babies and our youngest is a little less dependent, though, I'm not so okay. I have no "reason" to limit my drinking, and even though I don't drink every day- or even every week- when I do drink I end up out of control and blacking out the great majority of the time. I am usually drinking with my husband. I rationalize by saying it is "safe" for me to get drunk with him, because if I do any kind of acting out (I tend to get overly-physically-affectionate when I drink) it would be with him. Sounds so stupid from a sober perspective, like the only bad thing about drinking is that I might tongue kiss a stranger if my husband isn't there to babysit me.
For the past few months, I've noticed that the guilt and shame I've always felt after drinking has started to come earlier. I feel like crap about drinking even while I am drinking. I hate thinking that my kids will wake up and find me ****-hammered and unable to help them. I don't want them to have memories of me, like I have of my father- passed out, vomiting, breaking promises. And yet, I find myself again and again thinking that sharing a bottle of wine over dinner will be fine. Or having a beer with our pizza. Or just one shot of that really good whiskey. I couldn't tell you the last time it was just that one drink though.
Last weekend my brother brought over a bottle of extremely good whiskey. We started drinking together- "the family lushes" we call ourselves. Hilarious, right? After we got our kids in bed we left our spouses here to go to the bar. We had a pretty amazing conversation about life, our struggles with alcohol, our relationships. It's been a long time since we've bonded like that and it was good. But I also blacked out. Again. I remember little pieces- just enough to make my usual feelings of guilt and shame intensify as my brain frantically tries to fill in what happened with the worst possible scenario. I am absolutely terrified that I might have acted inappropriately, and that I'll be out with my family and someone will confront me about it. My anxiety level is still through the roof, and I feel so guilty over allowing myself to get out of control on a night when I said I didn't want to drink at all. This has to stop.
I feel like I have to do this alone. My husband doesn't have alcohol problems and I don't think he "gets it" that sure, *he* can drink and get drunk and go on with life, but *I* can't. I just can't. I hate it that I can't, I feel weak, I feel like a failure, and I feel deeply, deeply flawed. I hate looking into myself and seeing this lack of control over something that everyone else just takes for granted. I feel like no one in my life- except maybe my brother- really understands that I don't have to be a full-time drunk to be an alcoholic. My husband has said to me: "One beer isn't going to hurt you." And I guess I am finally realizing that he's wrong, because once I have one beer I might as well have another, and then it's only a matter of time until I'm waking up with my clothes still on and my makeup smeared over my pillow, wondering what in God's name happened the night before.
So, again, thank you for this forum and for sharing your stories, and for giving me a safe place to start this journey. You give me hope that I can do this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Welcome to SR elfgirl
My bottom was internal - no lost job, DUI, family, etc. But I woke up with that shame every morning of doing something I hadn't meant to do, and then within hours would start up all over again, process repeated, insanity continued.
I'm glad you're here. I tried to go it alone and learned quickly I could not. SR is a life-saver for me.
My bottom was internal - no lost job, DUI, family, etc. But I woke up with that shame every morning of doing something I hadn't meant to do, and then within hours would start up all over again, process repeated, insanity continued.
I'm glad you're here. I tried to go it alone and learned quickly I could not. SR is a life-saver for me.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome....
If you are an alcoholic ..trying to control your drinking is not
going to happen. The only way out for us is to abstain.
The good news is...quitting will instanly make the blackouts stop,
Hope you find your way...please keep posting ...
If you are an alcoholic ..trying to control your drinking is not
going to happen. The only way out for us is to abstain.
The good news is...quitting will instanly make the blackouts stop,
Hope you find your way...please keep posting ...
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
When you say you think you have to do this alone, you mean not expecting your husband to quit with you, right? But you don't have to quit drinking without support--and if you're alcoholic, you may find you can't quit without support.
Will you consider AA?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Will you consider AA?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 72
Thank you everyone!
CarolD, that's the point I'm at. I started binge drinking when I was 16, was a very heavy regular drinker by 17 (my mom kicked me out to go live with my cocaine-dealer boyfriend; I'm probably lucky I survived the chemical soup I had in my bloodstream during those years), and by about 10 years ago I was what I (retrospectively) consider a functional alcoholic. I had a really good responsible job and was respected by my peers. I had a good relationship with my now-husband. Things were going well! But I drank about a 6-pack a night after work, then after dinner switched to wine and had probably 3-5 glasses of that before bed. I can remember times I'd be rinsing my wine glass and think "oh, just one more" and I would stand there with the fridge door open, slamming 2 glasses of wine for a nightcap. On the weekends you could add a half-pint or so of scotch or whiskey in there. Happy? Drink! Sad? Drink! Bored? Drink! I had a very high tolerance and I didn't black out that often. I still had fun when I drank, even though the "bad nights" were getting more frequent. I actually had family members argue with me that I did *not* have a drinking problem because I was holding down a good job, had never had a DUI or any other trouble with the law, etc. It was only when I got overly physical with my best friend that I admitted how much drinking was affecting my decision-making. I lost that friendship, nearly lost my relationship with my husband, and chose to quit drinking. It was a couple months into that initial sobriety when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our first child, and that gave me a great reason to keep staying away from alcohol. We went on to have 4 kids in 6 years, so being constantly pregnant or breastfeeding kept me going alcohol-free for a long time. I really, really thought that after such a long period of either abstinence or very moderated drinking (1-2 drinks a month, if that), I would be okay. In the reading I've done this week I guess that's a relatively common thought process- that if you can just get it under control, you'll be fine. You can moderate. You can be "normal." My youngest is almost 3 now, and over the past 2 years I've kind of stood apart from myself watching and rationalizing and justifying as I drift back toward my old habits. About a month ago I had quite the run of getting blitzed every Friday and Saturday. Gained close to 10 pounds, felt like crap for half the week, and the cravings... Wow. When I get drunk, I crave alcohol for about 2 weeks afterward. It's not thinking a beer would be nice, it's this crawling, clenching, almost overwhelming feeling of need. I loathe it.
Tomorrow night I'm going out on a triple date with my hubby, his brother & wife, and their roomie & his girlfriend. We're meeting at some trendy downtown bar before going to a basketball game. I've already decided I'm drinking tonic with a twist of lime- but I feel slightly sick to my stomach about it because it would be so easy to give in and have "just one" especially when I feel so raw right now. I have got to do this, though. I don't ever want to be back where I was 10 years ago, and if I keep trying to justify why drinking is okay in this situation or that situation, all I can do is fail. I've thought these things so many times, and each time I have let myself down. I hope putting it out here publicly will help make it real, and will help me have the inner strength I need to actually make this change forever this time.
CarolD, that's the point I'm at. I started binge drinking when I was 16, was a very heavy regular drinker by 17 (my mom kicked me out to go live with my cocaine-dealer boyfriend; I'm probably lucky I survived the chemical soup I had in my bloodstream during those years), and by about 10 years ago I was what I (retrospectively) consider a functional alcoholic. I had a really good responsible job and was respected by my peers. I had a good relationship with my now-husband. Things were going well! But I drank about a 6-pack a night after work, then after dinner switched to wine and had probably 3-5 glasses of that before bed. I can remember times I'd be rinsing my wine glass and think "oh, just one more" and I would stand there with the fridge door open, slamming 2 glasses of wine for a nightcap. On the weekends you could add a half-pint or so of scotch or whiskey in there. Happy? Drink! Sad? Drink! Bored? Drink! I had a very high tolerance and I didn't black out that often. I still had fun when I drank, even though the "bad nights" were getting more frequent. I actually had family members argue with me that I did *not* have a drinking problem because I was holding down a good job, had never had a DUI or any other trouble with the law, etc. It was only when I got overly physical with my best friend that I admitted how much drinking was affecting my decision-making. I lost that friendship, nearly lost my relationship with my husband, and chose to quit drinking. It was a couple months into that initial sobriety when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our first child, and that gave me a great reason to keep staying away from alcohol. We went on to have 4 kids in 6 years, so being constantly pregnant or breastfeeding kept me going alcohol-free for a long time. I really, really thought that after such a long period of either abstinence or very moderated drinking (1-2 drinks a month, if that), I would be okay. In the reading I've done this week I guess that's a relatively common thought process- that if you can just get it under control, you'll be fine. You can moderate. You can be "normal." My youngest is almost 3 now, and over the past 2 years I've kind of stood apart from myself watching and rationalizing and justifying as I drift back toward my old habits. About a month ago I had quite the run of getting blitzed every Friday and Saturday. Gained close to 10 pounds, felt like crap for half the week, and the cravings... Wow. When I get drunk, I crave alcohol for about 2 weeks afterward. It's not thinking a beer would be nice, it's this crawling, clenching, almost overwhelming feeling of need. I loathe it.
Tomorrow night I'm going out on a triple date with my hubby, his brother & wife, and their roomie & his girlfriend. We're meeting at some trendy downtown bar before going to a basketball game. I've already decided I'm drinking tonic with a twist of lime- but I feel slightly sick to my stomach about it because it would be so easy to give in and have "just one" especially when I feel so raw right now. I have got to do this, though. I don't ever want to be back where I was 10 years ago, and if I keep trying to justify why drinking is okay in this situation or that situation, all I can do is fail. I've thought these things so many times, and each time I have let myself down. I hope putting it out here publicly will help make it real, and will help me have the inner strength I need to actually make this change forever this time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 72
Sugah, right- I don't expect my husband to quit with me, and I'm not entirely sure what kind of support he can offer. I'm honestly embarrassed to talk with him about it again because in the past he didn't seem to think I really had a problem. I'm considering going to a counselor (I have an incredible amount of baggage, not that I think I'm alone in that), but am not sure about AA. I am not sure what I need right now, I guess. Posting here is about the most open I've ever been about this. So it's a start.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi elfgirl - I can relate to so much of what you've been through (didn't have the black-outs, but had plenty of sad/sick mornings). I just couldn't understand why my determination to drink moderately wasn't working. Now I realize I was chasing the feeling of being "mindless" - you can't do that with a drink or two!
It's really no way to live - you deserve better! This is a great place to come for support and to cope with the urges.....
I hope things go well for you with your night out, but I can tell you it's a whole lot easier to forego those kind of evenings for a while. :ghug3
It's really no way to live - you deserve better! This is a great place to come for support and to cope with the urges.....
I hope things go well for you with your night out, but I can tell you it's a whole lot easier to forego those kind of evenings for a while. :ghug3
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Originally Posted by elfgirl
Sugah, right- I don't expect my husband to quit with me, and I'm not entirely sure what kind of support he can offer. I'm honestly embarrassed to talk with him about it again because in the past he didn't seem to think I really had a problem. I'm considering going to a counselor (I have an incredible amount of baggage, not that I think I'm alone in that), but am not sure about AA. I am not sure what I need right now, I guess. Posting here is about the most open I've ever been about this. So it's a start.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
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