wanttobehealthy

AH is on parole as part of a case waiting to go to trial. He rolled the car window up on my arm during an argument. I was angry that he had said he was going to go to rehab and on the day he was to go he said no. We had a heated argument and my arm wound up caught in the window. I called the police, they talked to us separately, arrested him, put a no contact order in place, the State is forcing it to go to a trial and his parole says in bold letters NO ALCOHOL USE. I have a lot of responsibility for how badly things devolved and am in no way blaming my H for this alone.

Fast fwd. No contact order was dropped a few weeks ago. He has been drinking again over the past week and I asked him if he was aware that he was violating parole and aware of how significant that was. I told him that if he or I are asked under oath about this fact, we will either have to lie or tell the truth, in which case he will go to jail.

When the no contact order was dropped he and I were told in no uncertain terms by the judge that if the police are called to our home again or he is found to be drinking he WILL go to jail.

I told him last night that I was really confused about whether to call the police, knowing he was violating his probation. He looked at me icily cold and told me that he will go to jail if I do (I know that) and if that happens he will lose his job (as it is he was arrested at work and his job is hanging in the balance).

We have a mortgage, 2 young kids and my job is 90% likely to be cut next year due to budget cuts (I was told this a few months ago). We can't afford for him to be fired and that truly is my reason to not have him face the music for his choices.

Am I enabling (I guess I know that I am)? What should I be doing? It's not as black and white as I would like it to be... my kids lives will be impacted if he is fired (and will never get hired in his field again if he is fired for a reason like this)...

I don't know what to do... right now I am saying nothing but I don't know if that's the right thing to do.

Opinions?

SSIL75

Well, what is your long term goal here? Do you have an escape plan? Doesn't sound like he has much interest in recovery and that's no life for 2 young kids, either.

Stevie1

Yes, you are enabling him.

You are most likely a lot stronger than you suspect, and your rationalization that horrible things will happen if you are deprived of his income are probably just that - horribilization.

Lying and rationalizing for an abusive, unrepentant alcoholic is better for your children...why, again? You can walk away from a mortgage. I am the child of an alcoholic parent...as a child I didn't give a **** about mortgages or bills, I cared about being cared for.

wanttobehealthy

My thinking has been this: is having my kids lives turned upside down because he has had 6 beers since he was arrested worth it? I am not questioning the unhealthy-ness of their growing up in an alcoholic home-- I am just unsure whether being the one to call the parole officer is my job? If he is caught drinking then that's a natural consequence, but his drinking at night on 2 nights at home-- is it really appropriate for me to make it a parole issue?

FYI. I am at my mothers with my children tonight and have told him I am staying here indefinitely after the nightmare that this past weekend was.

SSIL75

OK I went and read your other posts. You really are in the thick of it

I think him drinking should be a violation of YOUR agreement with him. I would stay at your moms (or wherever) until he shows he is serious about his recovery or you chose to move on. Would I call the parole officer? Honestly I don't know. I think you should just focus on you and your boys. Make some serious plans for a life without him. I don't see this turning around any time soon. I mean nobody can tell, obviously but man there is no recovery while he's still drinking.

least

Doesn't sound like he wants to change for the better (and the sober). I'd stay away from him too, he doesn't sound reliable and the arm in the window doesn't sound like a very nice thing to do. He's being pretty selfish and not working on recovery at all. What are you willing to put up with from him? And it will have an effect on the kids. If it was just you and him that might be different, but kids are fragile and don't need alcoholic drama in their lives, in my opinion...

Stevie1

Then whose job is it, if not yours? You had a no contact order in place, you have a legal agreement that he not drink and behave....it seems that yo0u are willing to cave in because you don't want to make a fuss, or disrupt your current schedule?

WTF, seriously. I am not unsympathetic - I've been on both sides of this equation - but WTF, you are putting your childrens welfare at risk because you are scared of your husband...? That, to me, is unacceptable and not negotiable. Ever. Your children come first. If not, you are evil. They did not make the choice: you did.

dbearw

I wouldn't call on him probably, but in all honesty it may help down the road if there are custody issues. At this point I'd say you should have absolutely no trust in him, and he will probably use anything he has on you for ammo, Sorry, I've just seen nasty divorces happen too many times around alcoholics. Protect yourself and your kids.

SSIL75

You know, that is a good point.

Stevie1

I just wanted to add - I am biased because for many years I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and a mother who fiddled while Rome burned and to this day refuses to accept any responsibility for what was a chaotic and horrible home. You can rationalise it - your children cannot.

If you are laboring under the illusion that your little children don't really know what is going on, or won't be harmed by it - think again. Most likely they do, and they will. For their entire lives, through middle age and beyond.

LexieCat

I replied on your other thread.

UniqueNewYork

Marriage is forever unless theres abuse taking place. Just my opinion. Never been married. My dad finally moved out from my mom's after almost 45 years of marriage because she has been abusing him (she's bat **** crazy). He still has no intention of getting a divorce.

CarolD

Here is the first thread about this situation...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...03-advice.html

which I have now closed to keep confusion down..

LaFemme

Sounds like there is abuse in this situation...mental and physical.

I think you need to protect yolurself and your kids.

Hugs.

ChikkaB

If it was me, I would start cooking up Plan B and putting it into motion, because it's not a matter of if, but a matter of when, your husband gets arrested drunk and goes to jail.

His behavior shows that he clearly doesn't care what happens to any of you or to himself.

It's raining hard - don't wait until the dam bursts, get yourself and your kids to higher ground now.

artsoul

I really feel for you in this situation - it's hard to walk into the unknown. But after reading some of your other posts, it sounds like he is not just an alcoholic - he is abusing you, too.

I agree with the others who have recommended that you begin to action for yourself and your children. Have a plan in place if he starts the abuse again. If he ends up losing his job, you may be on your own anyway, so the sooner you can tuck away some money and think about alternative living arrangements, the better. What about a counselor or a social worker in your community? I would check into all the programs and get as much help as possible.

Prayers and hugs going out to you. This is more than a "3 beer" issue, it seems to me.:ghug3

Taking5

You have received excellent advice on this thread. All I can add is, as an alcoholic, if you believe he has only had 6 beers because that is all you have seen hime have, you are kidding yourself.

ste

I agree, even if the dam doesn't break, you should be prepared for it.
Hope for the best, and expect the worst. IMHO AH is happy he doesn't have to drink mouthwash now.

wanttobehealthy

I really do appreciate all of your sobering (no pun intended) advice. I guess as several of you said, I really am in the thick of it bc I don't see it as crazy as I guess it is.

I have left him before (last year at this time for several months)... When do I know when I can believe that his "changes" are real?

During the period of time of the no contact order he seemed to take things seriously bc when it ended (and before he was allowed to come home) he demonstrated with actions vs just words that he was more serious about recovery than ever before. But then within 2 weeks he was back to his same antics. And so was I; reacting to his lies, worrying about his recovery etc... pleading with him to "want it".

I have not yet lived with him recently when I have been able to be detached for any period of time. Just saying. I wonder what impact that would have on the dynamic.

As for it being a matter of time before he gets caught, let me tell you this. He is the high high high functioning alcoholic you read about. No one, and I mean no one, who he works with has a clue (now that he was arrested at work they do). And even still, he has spun it that I created the whole situation and has most people's sympathy. I know this bc one of my siblings works with him and shared this with me (I have since told him I'd rather not know).

He has driven drunk a lot. He has gone to work when it's closed and drank there. There is surveillance etc.... and he has NEVER been caught. 8 yrs+ of this. So, I really doubt the matter of time before he gets caught and ruins his life. He is such a pathological liar/sneak that he seems to be able to control his out of control behavior just enough to not get in trouble...

I am frankly very scared that I will be asked about his drinking at the trial and either have to lie or be the "bad guy". When I left with the kids last year, he still visited with them and they returned from visits asking me questions and repeating things he told them that tell me he spends time alone with them trying to convince them that I am breaking apart our family, don't love them enough to "forgive" him etc...

My belief has been that at least being around I can control his access to them (he has almost no time alone with them). If I leave, he has free access to them (with no history of abuse toward them there are no visitation restrictions- yes, I have a lawyer and have discussed this in the case of divorce) and the mental abuse he has demonstrated the ability to put them through is very real. I watched first hand one of my own parents do this to my younger siblings when my parents divorced and the abandonment issues, mistrust issues, and anger that they have in relationships is directly attributable to the poison my mother fed them about being "left" by my father (when in fact he finally left bc of her mental illness).

I know that staying is not healthy, but leaving has it's own set of very real fears. I can live with him badmouthing me to friends, family, the community etc... But confusing our children and making them question my love for them, making them sadder than they already are? I've stayed for a long time bc I've been afraid of what he will do to them in my absence.

LexieCat

I worked in the DV field for many years, and witnessing violence is HORRIBLE for children. The little girls grow up thinking it's OK to be treated that way. The little boys grow up to be abusers, themselves. This isn't true in EVERY case, but I think it's safe to say in EVERY case the children are harmed by it.

Even when the abuse isn't physical, kids grow up wondering why their parents put all of them through that.

I repeat, tell the truth, always. Do NOT lie for him. You don't have to go out of your way to REPORT the drinking, but you shouldn't cover up for him when asked.