Danae

Hi---

How would you feel if you did lie about his alcohol use at trial to protect the status quo, and then he hurts someone later while driving drunk? Possibly hurts a child?

I know you think he is high functioning, but this could still happen.

As a child of an alcoholic, it would have meant a lot to me if my other parent had been strong enough to walk away. If you stay in the relationship you may be modeling for your children that his behavior is ok. You can see all the short-term disruption, but look longer term. Do you want your kids to end up in a relationship like this themselves?

I echo those who say you need to get out and be safe. Think strategically about child custody and make sure he can't undermine you the way he has done at his workplace. If you disengage it should become clearer that he is the one with a problem. He is likely to fight back, but if you don't get out now, he is effectively holding you hostage with his behavior.

From personal experience I know about the many difficulties of getting out of a marriage like this when you have children. I've found (years later) that the short-term pain was worth it in terms of my child's long-term mental health. Eventually your children will figure out which parent is manipulating them. If there is any way for your children to get therapy or counseling to deal with their father I would highly recommend it.

Good luck.

Azreal

wanttobehealthy, it sounds like your husband is driving at full speed, headed for the edge of a cliff. Do you and your kids want to be with him when he drives off the edge? I would take steps to protect yourself and your children. Maybe it means opening your own bank account, moving some money, getting your name off some bills, whatever. Do what you have to do to protect your children and yourself. Your kids need you and they obviously won't be able to depend on your husband, no matter how good his intentions are. I wish you luck in a very difficult situation. Hopefully some day your kids and future family will thank you for the tough decisions you have to make today.

cabledude

Hi WTBH, very sorry you're having to deal with this, good you recognize some of the possible outcomes.

Thing is with an alcoholic outcomes are never predictable with surety, and we often surprise everyone. Your AH seems to be of the sneaky variety which is hard for anyone to read well.

Pretty much anything can happen, and some women have been unpleasantly surprised by their respected, well-liked and successful hubbys who kept their darker sides hidden from the world. Protecting yourself as best you can is smart.

wanttobehealthy

UPDATE: I moved out. My kids and I are staying at my moms for the indefinite future. I did this on Monday. H thought I would cave and come home (which I have done many times before) on Tues. When I told him I was staying it did not go well.

I was blamed for hurting our kids, told I was selfish, told that if I could give him peace and get MY mental illness under control (?) he could recover, said that he is not ill that the situation is ill and "things" need to change. ZERO ownership.

Meanwhile all I said was that this was something I was doing bc I did not like who I was turning into (crazy, emotional, anxious) and that that was MY issue to deal with. Not his fault at all.

I also talked to my lawyer yesterday who told me that his drinking while the bail terms say NO drinking very clearly and my knowing this and staying in the house is NOT going to make me look any better than him to a court if and when we have to deal with custody issues. And I agreed.

My desire to make my marriage work should not be more important than my kids well being and I think I've deluded myself that this hasn't been devastating to them right along with me for a long time.

Today I got a new side from my H. I love you, I want to change, all the promises of what will be different etc... When I did not reply immediately to the email, I got another one, cold and obnoxious.

I guess the roller coaster has just begun huh?

smacked

Only if you choose to stay on the ride.

I'm glad you're protecting the kids from this madness.

Take care.

wanttobehealthy

I won't have no contact with him bc of the kids. It will just hurt them. So, I guess I need to steady myself to expect nonsense from him even if I try to stick to just the details.

Even today, he is playing games with saying he wants to see them but not commiting to anything.

I think I am going to think about a plan that can be written in stone (who sees the kids on what days) and assume this will just be the case unless he tells me otherwise. The way we are doing it right now leaves me constantly wondering if he'll follow through and he is exercising passive aggressive power by not answering questions about whether he does want to see them (only to accuse me- bc he has in the past- of not "letting" him see the kids when I make a decision and get them myself bc I am sick of waiting for a response).

My goal will be the less contact the better.

CarolD

Please keep all the communications so you will have proof
you never know when that will come in handy down the road.

My ex daughter in law had told my Grandsons that my son
had not paid child support...and refused to come visit.

He had canceled checks and mails + letters to show them
the truth when the boys asked....