throwing in the towel?
 

I hate to have a pity party but has anyone else ever felt like doing this?

it's just as I emerge from seeing the world and my situation from my alcohol induced stupor with my rose coloured glasses that I realise how much I have managed to **** up..pretty much everything, seriously everything I touch seems to have turned into crap.

I mean, back when I was drinking all that alcohol, sure I was completely delusional about my entire life, but now that I'm coming out of that I realise how ridiculous it all was, and I pretty much have no life, can't remember what it feels like to feel happy. Honestly, I have no idea. Anyway, I guess this was just some great long whinge.. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, I guess I just have to get it out somewhere as I'm fed up of all these horrible thoughts and I don't know how much longer I can carry all this around with me, it feels like this is never gunna get better :9

anyway, did anyone else ever encounter this, or am I just really pessimistic about life? sorry for you poor people having to read all that btw :(

You don't say how long you have been sober, so, it could be all a part of early sobriety. You'll run the gamut of emotions for several months. It will get better, but you do have to go through it.

Are you in any kind of support group like AA or Smart Recovery? They can be a tremendous help. I wish you all the best and we're always here to help support you, too. :grouphug:

Well, I was drinking pretty much constantly for 5 years at ridiculous levels and frequency (daily and ALOT!!!!!!!!! of alcohol). I first made proper attempt at quitting on xmas eve and that lasted until maybe the 20th of January or so. Then drinking again until the 8th of february, then stopped again.

I did try AA a while back but I felt like I didn't really fit in, most fo the people were alot older than me and I couldn't really relate to them, and I was still drinking at the time so i felt like I didn't really belong there. I'm scared to go back because I'm sure people will remember me and prolly think of me as a no hoper as I didn't actually stop drinking while I went, tho in fairness I was dangerously dependant on alcohol at the time so just to stop would have been really dangerous.

Luckily I did a detox.

What is SMART recovery? I'm not sure we have it over here....

I have found that ex-drunks rarely think of someone having relapse as hopeless. We all have gone that route as well. Feelings of being a failure has plagued me from time to time during my recovery, but it usually gets easier after venting or eating cherry chocolate ice cream. Hang in there, let things smooth out a bit before giving up on yourself.

Here's a link to the Smart Recovery website...

SMART Recovery® | Self Help for Alcoholism & Addiction

They have online exercises you can do if there isn't a meeting in your area.

So far as AA goes, surely there is more than one meeting group in your area. Maybe one with a little younger crowd. You can always check it out and see. Having face-to-face support is so very helpful.

LOL i like the ice cream idea :P but seriously, I messed up my degree, had to skip my final year as I was constantly drunk, and am about to do it again. I mean, exams are in a couple of months and I haven't been to any classes or even picked up a book until like 2 days ago? Who am I kidding.

can't sleep tonight and I have the drs in the morning, I hate going out of my house now, it makes me feel really uncomfortable and anxious so I hardly ever leave the front door...

Hang in there, CG, take a day or two and breathe. Read something you will enjoy. Go be with a sober friend. Take things slowly and be good to yourself. You've been through hell and haven't made it out the gates yet. You will. Be patient and keep in mind that you have the power to change things if you want. Again, be gentle on yourself, you've got a whole new life ahead of you. Move toward it.

thank you for the link Suki - no luck on any meeting around here but I will be sure to try out there online thingy ma jigger. I have been to quite a few different meeting in my town, like maybe 4 or so groups? they weren't any youngsters there. I'm hoping thats a good thing i.e. they don't need to be going.

and thank your for your post creek - I know you are right but it's like my brain just won't accept the possibility of a nice life. It's like it feels I need to be punished a bit more for how I've acted. I also have deadlines all over the place right now, and like I said I haven't even picked up a book so far this year. So maybe its futile trying. I guess I'll have to get my degree in the future if at all.

Maybe if I forced myself I could pick up a crappy result but its doubtful, plus my motivation is like non existant. Its like I've given up on life and I'm finding it very hard to change my thinking...

Hopefully the morning will bring you a brighter day. I was beating myself up pretty good the first week and I was encouraged not to do that. I am doing well now with just a frequent slap, just to remind myself of how stupid it is to even consider going back to drinking.
Try to get some sleep tonight, take those deadlines one at a time. You sound overwhelmed. Whenever that happens, it is impossible to get all the things you need to do finished. That is why you do them one at a time. Eventually, you will get all things completed in better time than being frustrated and trying to do twenty things at once. Let me know how you're doing tomorrow. BTW, no time to give up on life yet, you haven't started. It's all just around the corner.

I think we've all felt like throwing in the proverbial towel at one point or another... Having a program of recovery and resources and people on your team is vital to your sobriety. My home group in AA is mostly much older than me, but that just means I have more to learn from them. I don't know of anyone who left AA and came back who wasn't anything but welcomed with smiles and open arms.

Just pick something you want out of life even if it seems lame that will keep you busy. One goal might be to work out like crazy for a while until you look great. Another might be to save up money for a vacation. Take up a new art form like pottery or painting. I dunno this is a reoccurring theme not just with us alcoholics but I feel people going through this thing called LIFE. They have all this time and aren't sure how to spend it. So you end up with people who are workaholics (arguably ok to a degree), people who are womanizers, people who are drunks or addicts, people who lose themselves in video games like world of warcraft, all of them trying to make sense of LIFE. Trying to understand what is the point of any of this? The point of life is that it goes on. Guess what it happened yesterday, its happening right now and in all likelihood its going to happen tomorrow. So it goes on. So now all you have to figure out is what you want and then work towards it. In early sobriety I wanted a great body and to get a cute girlfriend. I did both of those things. I had lots of time to lift weights, learn how to talk to women, and go hit on them. Did I save the universe like flash ahhahh ? - no. But you know what I got to do the wild thing with a beautiful woman without alcohol involved and I got to a point where I liked what I saw in the mirror and I was in the gym high fiving my workout buddy and butt slapping and all that good stuff. So no I didn't cure cancer or find alien life but who cares I got some really good stuff that I wanted. Now I'm just planning my next move so I can get some more good stuff that I want and thats pretty much life.

When I quit I felt like I had made such a wasteland of my life fixing it was impossible.

I started with a life coach and by making one small improvement every day. At first that was a simple as brushing my hair...throwing out the empties...then something a little bigger, say taking the dogs to the park aNd talking to people. Now I have redecorated my home, am training for a marathon and setting up my own business. And it all began with quitting drinking and brushing my hair:)

Hang in there!

Yeah i experienced all that...the worst thing was that everytime i got some sober time together my "life" would improve in that i would have much more money, look much more fit, new car, new place and new GF...and still feel unhappy!

Never dawned on me that the problem was me, well i wasn't interested in hearing that let's put it like that...i remember saying to my sponsor after 3 months sober that now i had to get my "life" together, get back to work, make some money and buy a house asap...he said no you dont you need to work on your spirituality and that will all come as a by product...i had no idea what he meant then but thank God i do now:-)

Oh and if someone had talked to me about spirituality before i was ready to take a look at myself i would have told them to go away in a very rude way lol

I know you are 25....and worried about your health.
Hope your doctors appointment will give you peace and good news.
:hug:

I agree with the others here - you have to take it all one day at a time. Not only for sobriety, but for everything else, too. I was so easily overwhelmed in the first few weeks especially - I didn't get much done (except reading on this forum). BUT I was sober! Everything else, I figured was secondary.

Why not go to the doctor/psychiatrist on campus (most school have them) and tell them what's going on...... My daughter had to do that as she was suffering from major depression. They'll work with you......

Furthermore, you don't deserve to be punished anymore..... Alcoholism happens to all kinds of good people. Things really will turn around if you stay on track......:ghug3

Throw in the towel? That's only done when you can't get up and out of your corner, or know you can't win, and don't (wisely) want to take the extra beating in an effort to win.

Throw in the towel in the fight against alcohol, save your strength for the next fight.

There's another fight scheduled for tomorrow morning, when you wake up. Try and not make the fight with yourself!

hey thanks for your replies - they were very comforting :)

I guess its something to know this is (relatively) normal to feel this way right now...

I went to my dr today, he is a lovely guy and I get the impression that he thinks I'm over reacting about my health! But I still cannot stop worrying about it :( I know it sounds silly, but like my appetiate has dissappeared somewhat and I look up online about what could cause that and read all these horrible diseases and start panicing... it sounds silly I know. My dr thinks my appetiate has gone because of anxiety.

One thing I wanted to ask, and this may seem a bit of a random add onbut I'll go ahead anyway as its better out than in and I don't wanna get so annoyed about this that my family have an argument tonight so here goes...

I fell asleep on the sofa today, as I was just exhausted. Anyway, while I was kind of nodding off I noticed my mum kept walking in the room and just sorta staring at me, so after I walked out to see what was going on. Sure enough, she was drinking wine in the afternoon.

Now the thing that annoys me (the drinking didn't didn't annoy me, as theres no doubt shes an alcoholic and she just doesnt wanna stop so shes just gunna carry on, obviously). The thing that annoyed me was I was woken up by her friend who works at a drug agency asking me questions like 'are you alright' etc etc. Then she tells me my mum is worried cus she thinks I am on drugs!!! I mean should she really be saying to people who live down my street 'go and look at my son, do you think he is on drugs??'

and furthermore, I'm pretty certain she didn't tell this lady (one of her best friends that works at a drug and alcohol agency) that shes been drinking while I was asleep, that she often drinks when she wakes up in the morning and she pretty much drinks 24/7.

The lady asked me not to say anything to my mum so I guess this is why I'm typing it out here. Needed to vent.

Anyway, am I wrong to be annoyed about this? It kinda seems like double standards for her to be off her trolley on drink in the middle of the day and for her to be saying 'do you think hes on drugs' can you see where I'm coming from here?

anyways, I apologise for the length of my ramblings!!

Oh dear! I take it you live at home? Amy alternatives to that? I would be annoyed to but I also see that hour mom is unwell so you need to do some work on boundaries with her. At least that's my opinion...my mom also has a drinking problem and I know for me establishing boundaries with her was crucial.
Fyi...stop reading about diseases online:) loss of appetite and being tired are normal in early recovery. I slept a ton the first 3 months and had no appetite ...both are improving but still not normal at almost 8 months.

Hi Curry-

It turned out that once I removed the alcohol, I was still stuck with me being me and thinking about me and why I don't like me.

AA gave me a design for living I sorely needed, but I'm not special. It can work for you too.

I rarely live in self now (pride or pity) and I'm starting to become a productive member of society again.

I'm also starting to like the new me and I don't get in my own way nearly as much anymore.

We can and do recover and you can be living proof.

Kjell

Hey Curry...I'm at a little over six weeks and I am still dealing with intermittent fatigue and also having to face the wreckage of my life sober....I've had some very, very cranky and pity party days because of this. You're not alone.

On the up-side, I've also had some very hopeful and wonderful days directly as a result of being sober! Lots of ups and downs; I think this is very normal.

Dunno what to say about your mother...except I guess whatever she is dealing with is her problem, and you have enough going on with school and cleaning up your act.

I also agree with LaFemme, stop reading symptoms online! All you'll do is scare yourself silly.

Yeah a little knowledge can be very dangerous!

My early sobriety saw me completely off balance for around 5months, and didn't really start to feel leveled out until 14months! During this time tho, i did see and feel deff' changes for the better. Sometimes id really try and focus on them, and it helped distract me from thinking or feeling i was a little off balance.
It all really did feel like a long time with no end when i thought about it, but i just said to myself "i gotta snap outta this", and get on.

Stick at it, gl ;-)

I can't move out right now, as I have no job or income of any kind really :| but it really stresses me out living here.. I know my mum hates me, we can't even have a 5 minute conversation cus we have nothing to talk about - meh.

It's reassuring to know these things are pretty common so thank you for that, and you're right, I do need to stop reading online and scaring myself. I mean, I've noticed when I exercise it takes ages for my heart rate to become normal again, and I looked online about it and it said it could be an early sign of heart disease!

ahh I dunno, it almost seemed like drinking was 'easier' even tho I know its not, I'm just not used to dealing with life and myself and it feels very strange. I can relate to this especially....

It turned out that once I removed the alcohol, I was still stuck with me being me and thinking about me and why I don't like me.

thats me completely! thanks again for ur posts!!

All your physical and emotional stuff IS completely normal.

I suggest you go back to AA and throw yourself into it, for a couple of reasons. First, it isn't a social club (though there are social aspects to the fellowship), so it doesn't matter how old the people are (and there are a lot more young people in AA than you think there are). The point is that they know how to live sober, which is what you want to do, right? They can show you how.

It sounds like you are ready to take a look at how drinking affected your life, and you want to clean up the mess. The Twelve Steps are an organized, simple, structured way to do that. It doesn't get cleaned up overnight, but one day at a time, you will get there.

You DEFINITELY need to stop reading online about symptoms!

This is a CLASSIC example. This is also a classic symptom of another condition - lack of fitness! It is NORMAL for unfit people to have their heart pump furiously for many, many minutes after exercise. (This is from memory, but the generals are true). Top competitive runners can get their heartrate up to something like 250 per minute while running, and in something like a minute or two it goes down to their resting rate of 40-50. Unfit people would almost certainly have a heart attack at that rate, and after exercise it can take 15-20 minutes (or even longer I think) for the rate to go down to resting rate.

At the end of the day, SMILING can be the symptom of a serious illness (can't remember the House episode :-)) but there is a much more likely explanation - you are happy :c031:. We have all been trashing our bodies with poison - it's no wonder at all that we don't feel healthy. I'd give it a year of healthy exercise (slow, and preferably planned out with a trainer) before starting to look for symptoms of anything :-).

thank you for the reassuarnce guys :) I'm hoping things start getting back to normal soon, in addition to eating healthy and starting to exercise (though I still keep convincing myself I might have a heart attack LOL) I have ordered some super dooper healthy supplements so my body will be going into some kind of spasm when it gets the goodness :)

and even I know I need to stop looking online! It seems crazy to me that I'm doing it, but its some weird compulsion I have - almost like my compulsion to drink a poision - like WTF?! I'm finding it really hard to stop my stupid habit tho :(

I feel that way lots. When I look at other people who feel the same way, I begin to realise it doesn't really matter how well off you are or how down in the dumps you are, happiness is something people make for themselves. You can have no friends and not care, or you can have all the friends in the world and feel like it's a waste. It doesn't even seem to be based on personal needs and desires. The difference seems to be whether or not you're thinking positively, trying to enjoy yourself... Maybe.

I don't really have a nice answer to give because I haven't mastered feeling good about my life either. It seems if I don't have something, I tend to believe it's important... Kind of self-defeating. Still, maybe seeing this in me will help you find answers for yourself. I'll root for ya.