Beebizzy

Hi All,

I posted here for the first time about two weeks ago. General gist: am 37, been drinking vodka alone in the evenings for about 12+ years, very ritualistic, never had a problem not doing it when outside my normal routine (ie. staying with parents, out with colleagues, sick etc), never been in ‘trouble’ because of it, never tried not to do it, suffer from depression, and procrastinated on telling counsellor about drinking.

However, I’ve gone from being a ‘high achiever’ to basically nothing – my life is a blah and I am kind of a zombie. Worried about my physical health, want to live better, and worried about the future. This is why I started seeing the counsellor.

I finally told her yesterday about the drinking (I mean I’d told her before but we never dwelt on it). She said there is a big depression going on but we can’t work on it because we cannot access it – due to my much practised defense mechanisms and my fantastic ability not to feel anything.

I reckon alcohol has a big part in this. At the very least, I do not see how I can know whether it does or not until I stop. I also do not see how I can know whether I have difficulty stopping, or need further support, until I try by myself first. I know many will say ‘doomed!’ and they are likely right, but I think I need to find it out for myself.

So, starting tomorrow after work, I am not going to drink in the evenings. I may exempt Saturday nights, I don’t know yet, it depends on the experience.

So yeah – watch this space!

Thanks for reading and everyone have a great day,
BB

LexieCat

You won't know until you try.

I think it's absolutely reasonable to try on your own. It's impossible to know how much of a grip this "habit" (and it's entirely possible, from what you describe, that it IS merely "habit" at this point) has on you until you try quitting on your own.

The good news is, if you find that you can't quit on your own, it isn't a matter of willpower. And there is plenty of help out there if you need it.

Good luck, keep us posted.

Beebizzy

Thanks Lexie!

That's exactly it - I don't know if it's 'habitual', I do it because I can and it's just 'what I do' or if there is an element of real compulsion there - because I never tried not to do it.

For sure, if I can't just lay it down and walk away I will get help - this cannot go on.

I know either way I need to do other things with my evenings - one of which will be reading and posting here :-)

Thanks a lot!

BB

CarolD

Depression is why I decided sobriety was for me...:

I was diagnosed with situational depression
my doctor suggested I abstain and go to AA.

It's certainly worked out to my benefit in all areas of my life.

Glad you are posting again..welcome back...

ImReadyToQuit

I wish you the best of luck. I found the black cloud hovering was 100% because of the alcohol... I feel like a new person now.

David 1

Sounds like my story, except I drank red wine (usually cabernet or merlot) at night but never had the depression issues.

I tried to quit on my own hundreds of times but failed each time. I wish you a better outcome!! One simple test is to just not drink at all for say 90 days.

But as you have already surmised self-medicating with alcohol is dangerous.

Take care,

Dave

Beebizzy

Yep - I am doing depression no good by drinking (and yet I still do... :crazy).

That's exactly what I'm going to do - a test, one month or 90 days.

Been thinking - reasons why it may be more than 'habitual':

1. I'm here writing about it (then again, I'm not denying it's a problem - just not sure how much of one)

2. I'm asking myself the question in the first place

3. If there's no vodka in the fridge I go out and buy some - I do not say 'oh well' and drink tea

4. I always make sure there is vodka in the firidge

5. I get ansty if I'm 'interrupted'

6. I have a 'relationship' with it - it's my 'reward'/downtime/me time whatever

Hmmm...

Thanks to all.
BB

BobGT

Hi Beebizzy. I hope you find that you can control your drinking easily.

Most of us here found that we couldn't do that. That's why we are here...duh, lol. Anyway, there is a lot of info in the forum on how to quit drinking if you find you need the help.

artsoul

Hi Bee - the important thing is that you're facing this and making steps toward quitting - so yea for that!

How much are you drinking? (The healthy limit is 1 drink for women and 2 for men per day - and that's 1.5 ounces of liquor) I know people who have a habit of having a drink before dinner or with dinner each evening..... but wouldn't think of having a few more before bed or if they felt moody or whatever.....

It sounds like you've got lots of red flags flying...... I can relate to just about everything you said, too, which makes me think you might be one of us....:ghug3 Good luck on quitting on your own. Don't get down on yourself if you can't and definitely let us know how things are going. We're rooting for you!

NYCDoglvr

I've been treated for depression for decades. While I was still active I went to a shrink, who gave me anti-depressants, but I never mentioned that I was a daily blackout drinker. That went on for a number of years until one day, in a blackout, I took a big bottle of pills. To this day I have no idea why. Woke up in ER, strapped to a gurney, my stomach pumped. Kept me for three days.

That did get my attention. It's a progressive disease and that's where I ended up, in my 30's. I went to AA 19 years ago and have been sober ever since.

In hindsight I can say I drank to self-medicate; each day I came home and had "one drink" to "take the edge off". Ended up drinking about a magnum of wine per day.

About depression. More often than not, alcoholism is accompanied by mental illness such as bi-polar or depression. Suggest you visit HBO's wonderful series, "Addiction", where you can learn more about that.

I continue to be treated for depression over the past 19 years. At year 15 it got horrific, so bad I couldn't get out of bed, but I'm bless to have wonderful psychiatrist and psycho-pharmacologist who keep me sane I've been fine for the last five years.

So I deal with two separate diseases, alcoholism and depression. I don't talk about anti-depressants in the rooms (in AA literature it says "no one should play doctor" but lots of people are judgmental and dogmatic. If I weren't sober I'd be dead. If I didn't get good treatment for depression I'd be dead.

I recognize your therapist's observation about "shutting down". I was an expert at that too. But take away the alcohol and the emotions poured out (no pun, etc.). What anti-depressants did was take away my rage, I feel anger and can decide how to act) and my compulsion to shop.

No one can decide but you what to do. If you do decide to get sober it's critical to have excellent mental health folks on your team.