Jynx

I went out drinking last night and haven't stopped. I wS supposed to work today and I knew this all night. It didn't stop me from lying to myself all night. "I'll just have four drinks then I'll stop"
"as long as I'm in bed by 12 I'll be fine to work tomorrow"
"Ok as long as I'm in bed by 3 I'll be fine"
"if I do a couple of lines I'll sober up a bit and sleep better"
"if I stop doing lines at 3 I'll be fine"
"ok 5..."
This is something I constantly lie to myself about, I don't have any experience with talking to other alcoholics so I'm not sure but I assume a lot of others are the same way.
I'm beginning to wonder if I really am just happy to believe my own lies in the moment, or if this is sone kind of unconscious self sabotage?
Thinking of how many countless times I've had these meaningless "bargaining" conversations with myself makes me sick to my stomach.

Ghostly

This is what we do or did. Make excuses. Bargain as you say. You need to commit to quitting, then find a support network. SR, AA, NA counseling, something. You can do this, it's up to you.

CarolD

Being aware is often a tturning point
I just shared on your first thread....so

Hi again....

barrylane

Glad you're here.

Eagles Fan

I was a slave to the same line of thinking. I'm letting my HP do the thinking now.

Taking5

I did this many times. The old line "play the tape all the way through" helped me. I realize if I take the first drink, I *may* hold it together for a few days. However the ultimate consequences of that first drink will be disastrous.

LaFemme

I pretty much always knew moderation wasn't something I could do...but I did promise myself I would quit tomorrow about 1,453 times

Welcome to SR!

MsCooterBrown

I used to have arguments with myself all the time...I remember sitting at the bar. If I leave at 10 I can still get 7 hrs sleep. Wait..if I do another shot and 1 more beer it will only be 11:30. Five and a half hrs ..I can still sleep for five and a half hrs before I have to get up for work. And on rare occasions...hell I only have 3 hrs to sleep..better off if I just stay awake. Crazy crazy days. Felt like cr@p. I hung in like a trooper until it dawned on me that I no longer have to live like this. What DGillz says is true. Once you realize you don't have to pick up that 1st drink you can start on the road to recovery. There is no way in hell I can drink just 1 or 2. I tried it a gazillion times ..the best thing I did was toss in the towel and surrender. Alcohol kicked my butt.

Jynx

Thanks a lot guys I feel so much better just sharing here, it's a huge weight off my chest already. I ended up not drinking that last drink I had left. That was definitely a wise choice. I feel like garbage, haven't slept much and spent a good part of the day throwing up...but I'm sober.
I have no problem not drinking everyday, it's just these binges that are my choice of self destruction. It doesn't help that most of my friends are what I would call "functioning alcoholics" who binge as well, sometimes well stay up for 2 or 3 days straight.
Aside from losing 2 jobs due to this, (although losing a bartending job was probably not a bad thing) I've noticed it affecting my health. My hangovers are lasting a lot longer, and by the time I start feeling better and recovered, I go and do it all over again.
I am so glad I stumbled across this website, albeit I was drunk and lonely, but I still got here.
I'm looking forward to getting to know you guys more, and sharing my support.

UniqueNewYork

Your behavior reminds me of back when I would drink til I was sick as a dog the next day throwing up, and I would say "I don't want to do this anymore". I would mean every word. Then a day or two later I would be back hitting it. I've had similar conversations to what you describe as well. I remember vividly I would have these complicated conversations like "well, if I go straight from work to the bar, then I slam down a couple mixed drinks and have a couple of beers until 10 pm, I could get something to eat and sober up til midnight, then drive home and go to bed, then get up at 6 am and be good for work. Yeah thats a great plan." Nevermind how stupid it is to plan your whole life around getting ****** up, I too would end up having way more than I had intended. One night in particular I remember slamming some drinks down, throwing up, coming back out, ordering more.. That aint no good life. I guess my advice would be this.

It took me a lot of trips through that door of AA to really get serious about staying. I don't want to give the wrong impression. I'm not the revolving door person we sometimes see in AA. I was more like "im thinking about AA but I'm not sure.. i'm thinking about it but i'm not sure". So I was in and out but never really in to begin with for a long time. Then when I finally said I'm down for this and I got 4 months strung together I felt like a new man. I made such leaps in that time.. it was amazing. Had some more transgressions and am now active again and loving life. My point is I feel you are at a hard place and I will pray for you. But all it takes is the willingness. The willingness to admit you have a problem and you want help and you want a better life for yourself in the future. Then it takes perseverance. The ability to say im going to keep coming back because I'm getting stronger through this.