UniqueNewYork

I have a friend who used to smoke everyday. I assume he still does. I know that he smoked to deal with painful memories, to fit in and to deal with living up to less than he wanted to be in life. I don't consider these to be my opinion I consider them to be fact. They are what anyone who knows him would say.

Do I think that stuff is as bad as alcohol? No not even close. Do I think a person could waste the better part of their life lost in it? Hell yeah.

I don't judge him. I try not to judge anyone in this life. I have no room to judge. But part of me does want to encourage him to face his demons the way that I have been able to through AA. I mean its just as stupid as alcohol on some levels. You sit around, you smoke, your mind is going to another place but in real life here in the real world you are just wasting your limited finite life away doing nothing. I have tried to encourage him to move away from his activities but ultimately only he can make that choice. I guess one reason I find myself thinking about this is I had hoped to some day start a business with him, and in his mind he is on board with me on this idea, but in reality he is probably that same guy sitting around smoking everyday instead of asking how he can succeed in this life.

Dee74

For me I destroyed by life as completely on pot as I did later on booze.

I have brilliant wonderful friends who will never do anything with their life because they're hooked on weed and all their motivation and ambition is gone, but they don't see it.

Marijuana is anything but a benign drug in my experience.

D

lushly

Drug is a drug is a drug. To what degree we use them and the choices we make is oursl. IMO Maryjane is not physically addictive, but does hold hostage to our psyche.

LexieCat

It's like drinking in more ways than one.

YOU can't change him. It has to be something he wants for himself. Sadly, a lot of really heavy marijuana users have mellowed to the point where they've ripened and rotted. Maybe in part because they tend not to experience the severe daily drama of an alcohol addiction, they are content, more or less, to waste their days away...wasted.

About the best thing you can do for him is just to be a shining example of recovery, yourself. Maybe someday he'll want to know how HE can have what you have. Maybe not.

ste

Tell him that to start a business with you, he must quit. Communicate, he will make up his mind, even if by default.

VeeTee

IMO you can be just as hooked on weed as on alchohol. Hangovers aren't as bad (or weren't for me) as with booze, but that just makes it harder to see the reality of one's behaviour.

vee

Rift

Yep, I know several people who smoke just about everyday. I was one of them several years ago. One of them just sits around in his room all day/night watching TV and playing video games. He has no car, no job, and no life. He will never change. No matter how old he gets. He is 100% dependent on smoking the herb. It's a lifestyle.

I will agree though that smoking pot is not nearly as bad as being a drunk. You may lose motivation/ambition but at least there are not as many negative consequences.

UniqueNewYork

Is there a point where I have to accept that this person will never change will never stop smoking? I feel so conflicted lately. Its like I want him to snap out of this bs and become the great person thats inside him and I feel like I can lead by example as long as I stay sober and keep moving forward. But then I feel like I have convinced my brain that he's going to change. And maybe he's never going to change. At which point if I really love this person I have to accept that this is who he is. I dunno. Can anyone relate or give me some input? Thanks for the answers so far I appreciate them

LaFemme

I'm sorry....I read your first post and was like...who the heck is Mary Jane...lol.

I would say its about the same as alcohol in my mind....but obviously I don't know that much about it

TwelveSteps

If this is really impacting your life, you might try Al-Anon. From what I understand, it's largely about accepting that you can't make others get or stay sober and that the only person whose behavior you can change is your own.

GG

Reset

Yeah he's probably gotta arrive at the conclusion on his own that he should quit. And as far as the business goes, don't wait around for him because odds are you're spinning your wheels. Might be that there's more than just weed that's keeping him from seizing the opportunity.

SeekerOfSoul

Ohhhh do I completely understand your conflict. I have the same questions.

Here's how it runs through my heart and mind: On the one hand, we CAN affect other people. We can impact them. But on the other hand, we can't change any one. They have to come to a point that they feel they need to change... that they are unhappy enough in their lives that the pain of changing is more desirable than the pain of staying the same.

So the conflict… if we have an ability to impact someone, then the question is… what is the best way to do it? (that question puts a lot of responsibility on me and my actions… because then I’m responsible for someone else)

The person that I want the best for (and see the best in) is my boyfriend of 5 years.

Here is my problem. I am putting a big (or little) piece of my energy (life) on hold hoping for an outcome. For me, if there’s a chance he will “wake up”, then I want to put my energy towards a direction that includes participation from him and a type of relationship with him.

But if there’s no chance of him becoming his best self, then I have to put my energy in that same direction but my focus can’t include aspects of his engagement that I’d have wished for. I have to put my focus only on me and the things that will be aligned with my goals.

The only answer I can come up with is that it’s more important for me to be me… do things I need to do for me than to focus on what he is or isn’t doing to be his true “him”.

He CAN be impacted by me, maybe my spirit, or the benefits of my lifestyle, or my way of looking at things, but only if “god(?)” is also trying to give him a jolt, AND if HE, deep inside, is ready to “see”.

I remember life changing (no… THOUGHT changing revelations), and there wasn’t any way that anyone could have plotted how to give me a revelation. Some of the revelations were from people not even knowing they affected me. They were busy being their great selves, and it was like it just struck my brain or my heart a certain way and all of a sudden I was seeing a viewpoint I hadn’t seen before. Other times, I was unhappy and needed an answer (for change), and, not being able to find the answer on my own, had to just ask the “universe” and hope for an answer… which would come one way or another.

Sometimes I had to learn that I was asking the wrong questions, striving for the wrong things.

I’m more of a problem drinker than an alcoholic, and I guess getting through issues wasn’t as hard for me as for some. And now I’m in the position of wanting someone else to know some answers that I found. And its frustrating to see all he is that is buried under his frustration, shame, fear, anger, and other things he can’t face or doesn’t know how to deal with.
It feels like abandonment for me to go on with my life. I’d like to save him, but I think if I don’t, then I will need saving. I see a life I can have, feelings I can feel, but there’s a big part of me waiting to see what will happen with him. Women are taught that to love is to sacrifice.

I’m thinking that sometimes revelations are seeds that were planted and meant to sprout later. The more “me” that I am, the more there is to “see” if he ever starts seeking. I think we’re meant to follow our paths and interact with whatever crosses it at any given point. I may have to move on, but that doesn’t mean that his path won’t align later. He may be stuck on his path, but if I can’t impact him right now, at this point in my path, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t something else meant to impact him at a different time, in a way that I can’t foresee.

He sees me as the way I relate to him now… As someone who is trying to show him other sides… If it’s not working, then it’s not the right thing for him, nor for me. Maybe by stepping away, engaging myself in my life and the things that are me, there may be a seed planted, or he may see better something in action rather than hearing the words. But if he does or if he doesn’t, I will be doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

I know you’re situation is different in that he’s not a boyfriend, and I’m sorry for rambling. I guess the bottom line is that I understand it’s hard to have a vested interest in an outcome that is uncertain because it’s dependent on someone, and his actions, rather than just you and your own actions. And it’s harder yet when you care about the person and his life.

The question of whether or not to accept him has hounded me. I think my answer is, I have to accept where he is in his life. I've been hindered and slightly damaged by trying to help him and failing. So I think that whether or not to accept him isn't so much what I should be focusing on. My purpose in life is to discover my "soul", be me, know me, follow my path. I think that's what we're all supposed to do. It feels in a way like I have power to affect him (save him), but I really don't. God does. If I'm listening to my soul and following my path, I am doing what God wants for ME, and if I were supposed to impact him along my path, then I'm doing my part. But if I stop too long, beating my head against a wall trying to help him, and it's not working, then it's out of my control. He may have another train coming even if he missed this one.

I can't make him see what's right he he doesn't feel anything's wrong.

sorry for rambling. I've have bumped my head on those same questions and maybe my rambling can be of aid.

kiki5711

I just don't get it how people who don't have a job, no money, no nothing, yet they sit on their butt and get high all day.

I don't know how old he is, but if he's living at home, it's his parents that need to show some tough love and make him get a damn job. Or if he's mooching off some friends, they need to kick him out and make him pay his share of the expenses.

If he's a "trust fund" baby and has "free" money at his disposal, that a whole nother can a worms.