Cindi74

I had my Appointment this evening with the Psychiatrist. It went pretty well and we both agree that I really need to be in intensive "one on one" therapy. He pretty much observed right away that I do not think very highly of myself and my severe anxiuety, won't go into much detail but he also brought to light something I really did not realize (but always suspected) I have which is PTSD due to an abusive relationship in my early 20's that almost cost me my life, so he referred me to a Therapist that works in his office and I definitely trusted his judgement. He did say he saw a lot of pain inside of me and I made the appt with the Therapist and we will go from there.

For some reason it is hard for professionals to believe me when I tell them how much alcohol has a hold on me, Is it b/c I am a "functioning" alcoholic, do not look like one (I know I am juat one of many just like that so they must have seen plenty like me)? That has been perplexing to me.

Maybe they are right...if I can get control of the anxiety, PTSD and low self esteem, will my need for the "crutch" of alcohol go away/diminish greatly? I'm going forward with this very afraid and treading ever so lightly. I don't like to "open up" about my demons to people AT ALL! I feel like I have just left a war zone when I leave these types of situations (but the only war is the one going on inside of me)

Each appt I make it through is a huge victory for me.

The more I know, the less I understand (I think that's from a Don Henley song)

UniqueNewYork

Haha Don Henley. I love Hotel California. I've always thought this line was about drinking:

"Some dance to remember.. some dance to forget"

I had what to me was PTSD but I don't know for sure. I got rid of it by looking up ways to stop negative thoughts and incorporating the techniques off google and youtube. Another thing that helped was forgiving people involved and myself. The low self esteem and anxiety I can also relate with. I cure these by.. well.. its complicated. First I lift weights and work out so I like what I see in the mirror. Then I try to live a life that I can respect so I like myself.

artsoul

I think it's great that you're getting help - therapy can be so beneficial (wish I could afford it more than once a month!)......... The thing is, if you don't have much sobriety, it's hard to tell how much of the anxiety and low self-esteem is/was due to alcohol..... and it's hard to really work on the other stuff.

It takes some time for our brain chemistry to return to normal, ya know?

So, while I believe therapy can really help, I don't think we can necessarily count on it to keep us sober.......

Reset

The main reason I quit drinking was that I finally realized it was an impediment to dealing with my other issues (like depression). I couldn't attack the other stuff when alcohol was clouding the picture.

So when I read your post Cindi, the first thing I thought was that you might have it backwards. If you get rid of the drinking you might be in a better position to deal with the other stuff.

In any case I do think that heavy drinking will prolong any efforts to address the other issues- I'm almost sure that your therapist would agree with that. When I told my psychologist that I decided to quit drinking to see if it was a roadblock to my progress, she said, "yeah I had been thinking that with the alcohol we're spinning our wheels here."

Cindi74

The anxiety and low self esteem has always been present. I had a VERY chaotic childhood. I never felt safe/secure as far back as I can remember. When the Dr asked me when I can recall the severe anxiety, well I could only say during my marrriage. A child does not analyze "why" they can't sleep in the dark, not feeling safe/secure (we had a nice house, money, etc but oh the constant DRAMA). BTW I am the only one of my siblings who seem to have this problem. I remember when my 1st pet died (I was about 8) I was an absolute walking train wreck. My father let me grieve for a few days but after 4 days of non stop tears, not eating, etc. He said Listen Cindi, you have such a loving and kind heart and are very sensititive and that is one of the things I love and adore about you the most, but.."i have to tell you something, if you don't toughen up you are never going to make it through this life"...At 8 I had no idea what he meant, but now I do Oh so well....

Zebra1275

Don Henley - Heart of the Matter, one of my all time favorite songs.

The more I know, the less I understand.
All the things I thought I'd figured out,
I have to learn again

Kinda sounds like recovery to me.

Cindi74

I 1st thought it was about a lost love but now it has new meaning to me when he sings

"I'm learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes"

LaFemme

Hi Cindi! I can relate to so much of your post! I think for me getting sober has made it possible to deal with my problems through therapy.

Am I or am I not an alcoholic? I don't know and I don't care anymore...I know drinking is zero benefits folr me and a great big stinking heap of negatives....so booze and I are finished.

Hugs for the hard day!