LifeBlows

Okay, remember when I said that it has been 18 days since I drank. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe it was brain fog when I was counting. But its actually only been 13 days. Just under 2 weeks or something like that. I dont know. I have 20 minutes left to go till the LCBO closes. I don't mean to bore you folks but I'm scared to be sober tonight.
Yesterday night wasn't hellish, by any stretch of the imagination BUT drinking is what I have been doing on Saturday night.
18 minutes: my liver feel like its hurting. Maybe that is psychosomatic. It wasn't hurting until a few minutes ago when I really started to consider drinking.
I know why I should be sober but I want to numb out until tomorrow. I think that I am going to go back to my psychiatrist and maybe ask for some more Lorazepam. I feel so dangerously close to giving in right now. I want to cry. I feel like its unfair that I have to be sober tonight.
15 minutes: arrrrggghhhhh!

Its not fair. Why do I have to be sober?! Why can't I just let go? But if I give in today I'm going to give in tomorrow when these cravings hit and the day after, and the day after that. I'm feeling kind of desparate. I don't know if I can keep facing this night after night after night. Its torture. Sometimes I want to drink so that I dont have to go through this every night.

I know it could be worse. I know that if I give it time it will get better but when? When will I have a day when I don't feel this? I know my detox was mercifully brief, but I so need help to get through this and maybe this is just my addict mind talking but God I feel like I need something beyond talking.

10 minutes: Today I stopped at the Walmart after work and picked up my spider repellant. It adheres to a surface and kills spiders for 2 weeks after. My brother's house has creepy crawlies and the other night one of them got into bed with me. It was waiting for me on my pillow looking all sexy and what not. I had to say no, I'm celibate right now. Its been hard for me to sleep every night because I'm worried about spiders. Anyway , my point is that I had money to go and shop for the bug spray. I know that if I had been drinking I would have no money what so ever. I even still have enough money to buy gas for the rest of the week.

7minutes: Oh ya. When I drink I never have gas money. There is a giant bottle of spirits on top of the refridgerator that I am spposed to give to my sister. A family friend came back from vacation and asked me to pass it on. I could drink that but it would be mucho tacky to give my sister an opened bottle. I haven't actually seriously considered it. My brother just went and got his coolers. He's such a lightweight. And that's a good thing. I won't drink his stash.

5 minutes: the craving has passed and it would be too late for me to get there even if I wanted to.

Good night all. Hope you had a sober 24