sleepie

I no longer spend time with someone who is a heavy and very dedicated drinker. He's done some awful things to me and said some awful things... He's really kind of shady. There is another side to him also- that is fun, and makes me laugh and feel good- and he can be very giving and helpful. I have not spoken to him for weeks. He said and did some things that are unforgivable. At best, he will apologize and then just do something awful again. He's really screwed up- and refuses to try to get any kind of help, and puts me down for taking meds. Maybe I'm wasting my time- but I wonder often- how much of his terrible behavior is the drinking, and how much is really him? It's getting me down. I'm starting to feel like there is no such thing as honesty... no truly caring people in the world who are loyal and won't hurt me.

AprilMay1895

Oh, you sound exactly like me. lol I've done what you described so many times. You give people who live according to standards below your own a chance, hoping for the best or for them to change, and then they ultimately let you down. After going through this so many times, you come to think that maybe no one is good anymore.

Im my experience, my dealings with people like this was directly related to a lack of respect for myself....though I didn't know it at the time. If you truly love and respect yourself, you would not allow someone so destructive in your life. You owe it to yourself to have the ability to live a life free of people who demean you and make you feel inadequate. You should stand up for yourself and either this person will learn that you need to be respected, or he'll leave you alone...which may be for the best anyway.

And if this acquaintance of yours is indeed an alcoholic, there is nothing you can do to change him, nor is it your responsibility. As an I alcoholic, I know we run on our own paths, only reason we'd change direction is if we decided it for ourselves or were absolutely forced to.

I wish you the best in your situation...I've been there soooo very many times. There are people out there who are truly kind and nice, what I've learned is that you need to be picky about who you let in.

April

Dee74

no matter what the cause of his bad behaviour is, I'm glad you've decided not to spend time with him anymore.

A healthy decision sleepie

D

ChikkaB

Sweetie, all of his terrible behavior is him. He is responsible for every bit of it. Drinking is just the excuse people use to give themselves permission to behave badly.

Alcohol in and of itself does not cause people to behave in any particular way. This is why you can have happy drunks and mean drunks, quiet drunks and loud drunks all in the same room at the same time.

If he is unwilling to change his own life and he chooses to continue being abusive to himself and to others, there is nothing you can do for him. If you choose to excuse and accept his abuse, you have no one to blame for that pain but yourself.

Stop worrying about him, and concentrate on yourself. You stay sober. Improve the quality of your life. If he sees the peace and lightness of sobriety that you have and he truly wants what you have, you can point him in the right direction.

You cannot save him from himself, so don't waste your time trying.

Choose higher companions, not lower ones.

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Sleepie.

Let me ask you something: You've done your share of drinking; did you ever treat someone like he treated you? I'm not talking about an isolated incident of going off on someone while wasted—I mean a pattern of emotionally abusing someone, deliberately chipping away at their self-esteem.

If this is the same guy you posted about before, he's an abusive (insert the expletive of your choice). Of course he's sometimes giving and helpful—it's par for the course, a way of manipulating people and making them emotionally dependent.

As for there being no caring people in the world.... you know better than that. Plenty of evidence to the contrary right here on this thread. I mean, for God's sake, when does Dee even have time to sleep?

sleepie

I know... I just need the right people in my personal life and it doesn't get easier as I age. I am really alone almost all of the time. One can only read so many books, watch so many movies, do so many crosswords... I am really solitary, not by choice.

ReadyAndAble

I managed to do a pretty good job of isolating myself the last few years. I do have my daughter, and that's a lot. But still...

I'm hoping all the positive changes in my life help open up some doors. I feel like I connect with people better now, even saying hi to people on the street, instead of walking around with my eyes fixed on the sidewalk.

I dunno. Obviously I don't have any solutions. But I'm glad you're not taking crap from anyone anymore.

AprilMay1895

I'm pretty solitary too. I have no family or friends where I live. When I was a daily drinker I thought it was a bright idea to replace people with beer. Figured people were just too much trouble, and beer could numb whatever loneliness I was feeling. So I think my solitary life is a result that bright idea. lol It's taken me some time to let people back into my life again...always thinking they'll hurt me, leave me or die(that sounds really depressing. lol).

But just know that you're not the only one feeling alone and we're all fighting the battle with you; and I have good faith that things will get better in time for all of us if we stay sober.

April

sleepie

All the funniest people I've met- the smart and interesting ones- are messed up. I hope it doesn't have to be that way. I really only connect with other weirdos. Believe me I have tried to act like someone else and make friends with more straight laced people- it's like two opposing pieces in a jigsaw puzzle. Someone told me once years ago that I have to have intrigue- he was right. I hope it won't always come with a heavy price tag... There must be oddballs out there who are responsible and compassionate... About this guy, in my lonelier moments I try to remind myself of the disrespect he showed me, his erratic behavior and the texts he sent me while he was doing coke- and how disturbing that was.

wpasierb

At least you aren't married to him....

miyazawa

I tell people all the time that I feel like I attract weirdos. I've had to write a few people out of my life already and I'm not even sober myself yet. One was a (at the time) coworker who was a mess: alcoholic, stayed up all night drinking, showed up to work drunk, called me at 4:30am to tell me about something she bought on an infomercial, called me at 5:30am crying wanting me to call our boss and tell them she was sick because if she called they'd realize she was drunk, was having an affair with an alcoholic bum who she later found dead... it was crazy. Yet for some reason I hung out with her. Another was a girl I met at a bar who was ******* insane and had eating disorders and was a drunk and a pothead.

With both of them, it wasn't FUN to be around them. The coworker ended up giving me a black eye after a night out drinking together and she fell and pulled me down with her, hitting my face on the concrete. She then peed herself and I had to pretty much carry her home to her husband and then had to go home myself and explain to my boyfriend why I had a black eye. Two days later, my grandfather passed away and I had to go home to the other side of the country to the funeral with a black eye. I sat with the family at the wake with a black eye. It was humiliating. The other girl had a psychotic episode when I was with her and went beserk on me and I had to call her boyfriend and leave her. I also pretty much carried her home from a bar more than once as well.

When I think back on it now, I think the reason I hung around them was to make myself feel better. "Oh look, at least I'm not THAT bad. THESE people are the alcoholics. I'M not THAT bad, so I must be ok!" Also, I could go out with them and even if I got pretty damn trashed, I looked almost sober standing next to them. They made me miserable and I kept trying to "be friends" because it justified my drinking.

I finally cut them both off after those extreme episodes. Deleted out of my phone, stopped taking calls from them. It was a very good decision. I only wish I could say I stopped drinking then too, but I didn't. I still thought *I* was ok.

sleepie

And it's been confirmed... I actually offered him the chance to apologize and he s*** all over it, true to his nature. I should look at the scar he gave me in a drunken rage to remind me that he is a waste of life.

anew

Sleepie,

Please don't give that man another ounce of your energy! You don't deserve that crap!