On the brink
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by WakeUp 
If my Higher Power is guiding me, I will not drink that wine.
9 times out of 10, the cause of this is being back at the steering wheel of my life. Expectations and demands to feel better keeps me full of fear and resentment. To combat that fear, I want to work harder, do more service, and otherwise force the outcome. That's me in control of my life.
The way through this is to abandon myself to god as I understand it. That means the good and the bad. I don't get to demand that I feel better today.
Unresolved resentments, driven by fear, unfinished amends, and lack of daily meditation are the killers I see around me. You've got a good program, WakeUp, you just need a better program.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Reach out WakeUp.
The small part of you than wants you not to reach out , to isolate, to stare at that bottle until you break can be beaten - but you have to pick up the phone, or get a meeting and talk to folks to do it.
I wish you strength luck and clarity
D
The small part of you than wants you not to reach out , to isolate, to stare at that bottle until you break can be beaten - but you have to pick up the phone, or get a meeting and talk to folks to do it.
I wish you strength luck and clarity
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
Anew said my exact thought. Having a sponsor does us no good if we don't USE the sponsor. You said that you don't really want the bottle. Maybe that is God talking to you? Listen to that voice and chuck it! I can't think of anything in my life that a drink wouldn't make worse.
Prayers going your way.
Prayers going your way.
Ethanol Intolerant
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Cascadia
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by WakeUp
I could be going through a dark night of the soul, I still believe in those. It's a carryover from my Catholic life.
It is a big topic, and this helped me get started understanding:www.dharmaoverground.org - MCTB 5. Dissolution, Entrance to the Dark Night - Wiki
It does not offer a solution other than to be courageous in your pursuit, but sometimes knowing what you may be going through can help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Thanx for that link recycle.
WakeUp... go back and read keith's post again. I have had many days where it just sucked... and the only way out of it was to get out of my own head... working with others, doing something nice for someone else...
ACTION
WakeUp... go back and read keith's post again. I have had many days where it just sucked... and the only way out of it was to get out of my own head... working with others, doing something nice for someone else...
ACTION
Awakening...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: in the present
Posts: 1,125
Good evening SR,
Home now. I want to answer some questions to me that came up in this thread.
Why I don't talk to my sponsor much? Well, we're similar creatures really. We're both introverted, lovers of solitude, and we just fell into the habit of not talking much, certainly not everyday anymore. I often wonder when people are through with the steps, what do they say to a sponsor? I'm supposed to talk to my sponsor all the time, even after years? Talk about what? "I'm sober today, are you?" Excuse my ignorance, this is new territory to me. I try not to dump problems on a sponsor either. My sponsor is not Dr Ruth, Judge Judy, or Oprah. She is a another member of Alcoholics Anonymous, like me.
What else came up? Oh steps 10,11,12. I practice step 10 by keeping a guard over my motives and behavior. I step 10'd someone just yesterday.
Step 11, admit I got a little slack on that. Gotta get on that cushion twice a day.
Step 12, I do some of it, does that count? No, serious, I don't work with other alcoholics. The closest I come is our step 11 meditation meeting. It's once a month, and I got so many requests to have it other days, I'm looking into starting a new meeting devoted to step 11 meditation.
Taking someone else through the twelve steps though? Well, I'm available, if I have something someone wants, I guess they will ask me, if I don't then they won't. I am a yearling, so I suspect no newcomer wants to take a chance on a rook, and I completely understand that position.
Maybe I'm not meant to sponsor anyone and I'm just meant to be the meditation master. Who knows?
**************************************
Ok, different subject now.
I just don't feel very useful. In AA's Big Book it talks constantly how we are supposed to be of maximum service to others. Help the newcomer. I just feel useless, like I don't know if what I say in a meeting helps anyone or not. I try to bring a solution and not use meetings as a dumping ground for my problems. I'm pretty firm about that, and I learned that here btw. SR's AA contingent, a select few, have shaped my philosophy about the AA program. It's all Big Book driven, dont' worry.
That's all I can think of tonight. The missile is on the counter, being ignored.
Have a good night everyone.
Home now. I want to answer some questions to me that came up in this thread.
Why I don't talk to my sponsor much? Well, we're similar creatures really. We're both introverted, lovers of solitude, and we just fell into the habit of not talking much, certainly not everyday anymore. I often wonder when people are through with the steps, what do they say to a sponsor? I'm supposed to talk to my sponsor all the time, even after years? Talk about what? "I'm sober today, are you?" Excuse my ignorance, this is new territory to me. I try not to dump problems on a sponsor either. My sponsor is not Dr Ruth, Judge Judy, or Oprah. She is a another member of Alcoholics Anonymous, like me.
What else came up? Oh steps 10,11,12. I practice step 10 by keeping a guard over my motives and behavior. I step 10'd someone just yesterday.
Step 11, admit I got a little slack on that. Gotta get on that cushion twice a day.
Step 12, I do some of it, does that count? No, serious, I don't work with other alcoholics. The closest I come is our step 11 meditation meeting. It's once a month, and I got so many requests to have it other days, I'm looking into starting a new meeting devoted to step 11 meditation.
Taking someone else through the twelve steps though? Well, I'm available, if I have something someone wants, I guess they will ask me, if I don't then they won't. I am a yearling, so I suspect no newcomer wants to take a chance on a rook, and I completely understand that position.
Maybe I'm not meant to sponsor anyone and I'm just meant to be the meditation master. Who knows?
**************************************
Ok, different subject now.
I just don't feel very useful. In AA's Big Book it talks constantly how we are supposed to be of maximum service to others. Help the newcomer. I just feel useless, like I don't know if what I say in a meeting helps anyone or not. I try to bring a solution and not use meetings as a dumping ground for my problems. I'm pretty firm about that, and I learned that here btw. SR's AA contingent, a select few, have shaped my philosophy about the AA program. It's all Big Book driven, dont' worry.
That's all I can think of tonight. The missile is on the counter, being ignored.
Have a good night everyone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by WakeUp
I'm supposed to talk to my sponsor all the time, even after years? Talk about what?
Originally Posted by WakeUp
No, serious, I don't work with other alcoholics. Taking someone else through the twelve steps though? Well, I'm available, if I have something someone wants, I guess they will ask me
Originally Posted by WakeUp
The missile is on the counter, being ignored.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
How often you talk to your sponsor is an individual choice between you and she.
You started off your post with "I am not doing so well"..also mentioning you hadn't talked to your sponsor.
The minute I even begin to feel a bit off, when I am not feeling "well", I call my sponsor and simply say, I am not feeling well. Then, we talk about what is going on in my life, and usually we are able to get down to the cause and condition of why I am not feeling well. Sometimes it is as simple as making a gratitude list, to simply remind myself of how the promises are coming true as I work my recovery program.
Sometimes I am irritable, restless and discontented. I know then, I need to call another alcoholic and talk to them about this and get my butt to a meeting.
This disease wants me unwell. It wants me to drink again. It wants me dead....
You started off your post with "I am not doing so well"..also mentioning you hadn't talked to your sponsor.
The minute I even begin to feel a bit off, when I am not feeling "well", I call my sponsor and simply say, I am not feeling well. Then, we talk about what is going on in my life, and usually we are able to get down to the cause and condition of why I am not feeling well. Sometimes it is as simple as making a gratitude list, to simply remind myself of how the promises are coming true as I work my recovery program.
Sometimes I am irritable, restless and discontented. I know then, I need to call another alcoholic and talk to them about this and get my butt to a meeting.
This disease wants me unwell. It wants me to drink again. It wants me dead....
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
I admire your honesty, it would be easy to just not reach out and pick back up and I'm sure that happens a lot, you just don't hear or see from them ever again.
I think that regardless of what program you work then you will always have tough times that test you, it's just the nature of the beast. The same that people who ain't alcoholics are tested in many different ways, it's just that they don't have to make a life or death decision ie- to pick up a drink or not.
I think it's easy to only share when you're good or only share to make it seem like you're are always feeling top of the world. I don't really have much to add other than thanks for your honesty, that should serve you well. Nothing to be ashmed of, you're an alcoholic so taking a drink is the easy, natural option. That's what most do to escape what they don't want to feel, but ultimately it will just destroy everything.
I know for me then I know where I need to be at in my head and when I'm on balance, the secret to restoring that balance for me is action. It's easier said than done I know, and sometimes you just gotta sit with that restlessness, irritability and discontentedness and pinpoint what you need to change/work harder to make it go away. Fundamental to all of it is to stay sober. If I ain't got that then I ain't got nothing.
All the best, Peace.
I think that regardless of what program you work then you will always have tough times that test you, it's just the nature of the beast. The same that people who ain't alcoholics are tested in many different ways, it's just that they don't have to make a life or death decision ie- to pick up a drink or not.
I think it's easy to only share when you're good or only share to make it seem like you're are always feeling top of the world. I don't really have much to add other than thanks for your honesty, that should serve you well. Nothing to be ashmed of, you're an alcoholic so taking a drink is the easy, natural option. That's what most do to escape what they don't want to feel, but ultimately it will just destroy everything.
I know for me then I know where I need to be at in my head and when I'm on balance, the secret to restoring that balance for me is action. It's easier said than done I know, and sometimes you just gotta sit with that restlessness, irritability and discontentedness and pinpoint what you need to change/work harder to make it go away. Fundamental to all of it is to stay sober. If I ain't got that then I ain't got nothing.
All the best, Peace.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
If you want to make yourself useful to me and perhaps some other people here, please get rid of that bottle. It's freaking me out.
Sometimes comfort is overrated - we can sometimes learn from hanging around outside our comfort zone....
Anyway, thinking of you. Please update when you get a chance. Hang in there.
Much love.
Sometimes comfort is overrated - we can sometimes learn from hanging around outside our comfort zone....
Anyway, thinking of you. Please update when you get a chance. Hang in there.
Much love.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hey there wake up...sorry to hear your in this place.
i talk to my sponsor at least once usually twice a week.wether i feel good,bad or indifferent....because like keith said...i cant always see my truth and talking susually reveals things that hadnt come into my conscience.
step 5 says we shared with God and another human being...and i try to do that.
im also wondering if you have delved further into our basic human instincts further than what is written in the big book,this has helped me tremendously.
the 3 instincts that make up a human are our social,security and sex instinct,we all have them,they are God given.if my instincts are out of whack or im wanting or expecting something that maybe might never happen then stuffs going to happen.IE resentment.
from what you wrote it sounds like your social instinct is out of whack if you dont mind me saying so....you said you felt useless...this is a self esteem issue.
ask God to help you be who He would have you be and have faith.
you have been through the program and have a message to carry.i was sponsoring at 10 months sober.....the big book dosnt say it is a highlight for nothing!
i dont go and hunt new sponsees down i just make sure i speak from the heart about my experience with the steps....you can tell when somebody wants this stuff and even if they say they do and dont we try...it keeps us right.
i hone in on the newcomer and treat them how i would like to have been treated when i walked through the door.
please throw that bottle away.
i talk to my sponsor at least once usually twice a week.wether i feel good,bad or indifferent....because like keith said...i cant always see my truth and talking susually reveals things that hadnt come into my conscience.
step 5 says we shared with God and another human being...and i try to do that.
im also wondering if you have delved further into our basic human instincts further than what is written in the big book,this has helped me tremendously.
the 3 instincts that make up a human are our social,security and sex instinct,we all have them,they are God given.if my instincts are out of whack or im wanting or expecting something that maybe might never happen then stuffs going to happen.IE resentment.
from what you wrote it sounds like your social instinct is out of whack if you dont mind me saying so....you said you felt useless...this is a self esteem issue.
ask God to help you be who He would have you be and have faith.
you have been through the program and have a message to carry.i was sponsoring at 10 months sober.....the big book dosnt say it is a highlight for nothing!
i dont go and hunt new sponsees down i just make sure i speak from the heart about my experience with the steps....you can tell when somebody wants this stuff and even if they say they do and dont we try...it keeps us right.
i hone in on the newcomer and treat them how i would like to have been treated when i walked through the door.
please throw that bottle away.
Awakening...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: in the present
Posts: 1,125
Hello all,
Lunchtime break here. I know you're all concerned about the bottle of wine I have and I thought I was crazy to invite the enemy into my home when I'm feeling like this. Did I have a death wish or something?
I clearly realize I do not have a compulsion to drink. I look at the bottle with complete indifference. I'm feeling better, almost to a place at peace. Maybe I don't have the spiritual malady? Going through a dark night doesn't mean something is bad, or you're not working your program, or you did something to derserve it. It's actually a priviledged place to be, because you are being transformed, like ore being burned in a hot fire and the pure gold is being separated.
To use one of the corniest slogans in AA, "You're right where you're supposed to be. "Ahhh, bugger off!" says the person in the dark night!
Lunchtime break here. I know you're all concerned about the bottle of wine I have and I thought I was crazy to invite the enemy into my home when I'm feeling like this. Did I have a death wish or something?
I clearly realize I do not have a compulsion to drink. I look at the bottle with complete indifference. I'm feeling better, almost to a place at peace. Maybe I don't have the spiritual malady? Going through a dark night doesn't mean something is bad, or you're not working your program, or you did something to derserve it. It's actually a priviledged place to be, because you are being transformed, like ore being burned in a hot fire and the pure gold is being separated.
To use one of the corniest slogans in AA, "You're right where you're supposed to be. "Ahhh, bugger off!" says the person in the dark night!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
i was in a lot of pain over Christmas time wake up....a lot....
but you know what...i felt great afterwards...re-awakened.im an alcoholic thats all.
something happened to my daughter shorlty after and i had to make an emergency trip to my home town...i was right where i should have been emotionally and spiritually.
glad your back with us.
but you know what...i felt great afterwards...re-awakened.im an alcoholic thats all.
something happened to my daughter shorlty after and i had to make an emergency trip to my home town...i was right where i should have been emotionally and spiritually.
glad your back with us.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
"I did something strange today. I bought a bottle of wine. It's sitting on my kitchen counter. I'm staging an alcoholic Cuban missile crisis. If no human aid can help me, it must come from a higher power, then it's time for that Higher Power to show up. If my Higher Power is guiding me, I will not drink that wine. If I do drink that wine, then something went terribly awry with my program, and it's time to start over.
I sure don't recommend trying this, staging a Cold War with a cheap bottle of Merlot, but I was promised I would be placed in a position of neutrality, and be safe and protected. Time to see if this thing really works."
Sweetie, nothing in the previous paragraphs rings remotely sane to me... Just sayin'.....
Much love.
I sure don't recommend trying this, staging a Cold War with a cheap bottle of Merlot, but I was promised I would be placed in a position of neutrality, and be safe and protected. Time to see if this thing really works."
Sweetie, nothing in the previous paragraphs rings remotely sane to me... Just sayin'.....
Much love.
Awakening...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: in the present
Posts: 1,125
The stand off is over
The bottle, it wasn't even merlot, it was cabernet sauvignon, is gone.
It didn't even get a halfway decent burial down the sink. I realized I don't own a corkscrew anymore and I couldn't figure out how to open it. Now there's a comedic sight, an alcoholic who can't figure out how to open a bottle of wine!
So, I walked the bottle to the trash compacter/dumpster and threw it in.
Time to get on the cushion, good night everyone.
It didn't even get a halfway decent burial down the sink. I realized I don't own a corkscrew anymore and I couldn't figure out how to open it. Now there's a comedic sight, an alcoholic who can't figure out how to open a bottle of wine!
So, I walked the bottle to the trash compacter/dumpster and threw it in.
Time to get on the cushion, good night everyone.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
