Dealing with a mentally ill family member?
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 323
Dealing with a mentally ill family member?
My mom is really really crazy and has always been this way as long as I have been alive.
Ok let me stop before I go much further. Let me say this. From what I have seen, first off every type of mental illness is a little different. My mom is paranoid schizophrenic with other problems sprinkled in. I've also dated someone borderline and bipolar. So I've been around my share of this. I've noticed that for me personally there are a few analogies I would use for them. Let me stop and say some of the people on here have some mental disorders, so let me say.. I don't think I'm better than you. In fact my mother behaves a LOT like an alcoholic. But she just naturally does it without the juice. So if I say something negative about her I don't mean it against everyone with a mental problem. I'm an alcoholic so I am in no place to judge anyone on this earth.
Sometimes when I talk about this stuff I will sugar coat it and make it nice and PC. But I just can't today because I feel a lot of negative emotions. Having my mom for a mother, its kind of like if my HP went down to an institution where they house ******** people, and he picked out the nastiest most violent one and made her my mom. So not only have you got someone who is confrontational and violent, but they are ******** and pick their arguments with no real connection to anything here in reality. Like eeny meeny minee mo, ahh, f it, that seems like a good thing to argue about and slap the family around over.
Getting to the point.. last night my mom kicks my dad out of the house around midnight for the 10,000th time (this is some sort of ritual they engage in semi daily). Then at 2 am she uses the skeleton key to enter my room in the dark and goes to look for my employee badge I use to get into work. She says that I can't work for my company anymore because they are dangerous and something about the poison gas will kill me. We engage in a shouting match that is so bad that I strained my vocal cords and everyone at work thought I was sick today even though I'm not. I got very little sleep. Theres this sense that I've been dealing with this since I was a little kid and it just never stops.
I tell my gf about all this. She suggests I move out. I don't want to pay ~$700 to live on my own when my parents house is 15 minutes from work. I ran up a credit card debt i have wittled down to 6k (about 1/3 drinking, 1/3 from being unemployed and 1/3 trying to impress my current gf from when we first met). I am debating installing a lock from home depot in my door so I can lock up when I leave my room. Its a long list of abusive pos actions my mom performs, but one of her favorites is picking something someone else owns and throwing it away. In my father's case unfortunately this includes irreplaceable sentimental gifts and other items. That is one thing I have going for me. When my dad is there, my presence makes it a little easier for him to deal with my mother. My dad doesn't have to be with my mom he just does it out of honor and loyalty. He's really like a superhero.
I think that what really bothers me today is that my mother knows where I work and she will start calling my workplace and showing up uninvited at some point. Getting this job meant everything to me. It was the last thing missing from me that I felt shame about. I felt deep shame over not having a job even as I started to get sober. When I got this job I felt complete and fulfilled. Suddenly my life had another purpose. Then I am reminded of how she can go out of her way to make me someone ostracized at my job. I don't think she does it on purpose, she's just a tard. So I feel these feelings inside. Stuff like.. why am I trying? Why should I care when it can all be taken from me? I told my gf tonight that I can't drink because for me the drinking represents me giving up and not caring. When I pick up my first drink, especially if I am experiencing negative emotions, it means I don't give a ****. It means I don't give a **** what happens to me, to my family to my best friends to my job to my hp, nobody. Thats what that moment has historically symbolized for me. And I wonder how well I will take that if she starts calling my job or shows up and has to be escorted away by security. I think I understand to a degree that because she's his wife my dad has better ability to tune it out, but this is all I've known my entire life except times when I was away from home. I think the answer is to not give a **** if people at work find out I have a crazy mother. To soldier on and do the best job I can at work. To hold my head high knowing that this is just the family I was given and I had no choice in it. But stuff like that its easier said than done.
Ok let me stop before I go much further. Let me say this. From what I have seen, first off every type of mental illness is a little different. My mom is paranoid schizophrenic with other problems sprinkled in. I've also dated someone borderline and bipolar. So I've been around my share of this. I've noticed that for me personally there are a few analogies I would use for them. Let me stop and say some of the people on here have some mental disorders, so let me say.. I don't think I'm better than you. In fact my mother behaves a LOT like an alcoholic. But she just naturally does it without the juice. So if I say something negative about her I don't mean it against everyone with a mental problem. I'm an alcoholic so I am in no place to judge anyone on this earth.
Sometimes when I talk about this stuff I will sugar coat it and make it nice and PC. But I just can't today because I feel a lot of negative emotions. Having my mom for a mother, its kind of like if my HP went down to an institution where they house ******** people, and he picked out the nastiest most violent one and made her my mom. So not only have you got someone who is confrontational and violent, but they are ******** and pick their arguments with no real connection to anything here in reality. Like eeny meeny minee mo, ahh, f it, that seems like a good thing to argue about and slap the family around over.
Getting to the point.. last night my mom kicks my dad out of the house around midnight for the 10,000th time (this is some sort of ritual they engage in semi daily). Then at 2 am she uses the skeleton key to enter my room in the dark and goes to look for my employee badge I use to get into work. She says that I can't work for my company anymore because they are dangerous and something about the poison gas will kill me. We engage in a shouting match that is so bad that I strained my vocal cords and everyone at work thought I was sick today even though I'm not. I got very little sleep. Theres this sense that I've been dealing with this since I was a little kid and it just never stops.
I tell my gf about all this. She suggests I move out. I don't want to pay ~$700 to live on my own when my parents house is 15 minutes from work. I ran up a credit card debt i have wittled down to 6k (about 1/3 drinking, 1/3 from being unemployed and 1/3 trying to impress my current gf from when we first met). I am debating installing a lock from home depot in my door so I can lock up when I leave my room. Its a long list of abusive pos actions my mom performs, but one of her favorites is picking something someone else owns and throwing it away. In my father's case unfortunately this includes irreplaceable sentimental gifts and other items. That is one thing I have going for me. When my dad is there, my presence makes it a little easier for him to deal with my mother. My dad doesn't have to be with my mom he just does it out of honor and loyalty. He's really like a superhero.
I think that what really bothers me today is that my mother knows where I work and she will start calling my workplace and showing up uninvited at some point. Getting this job meant everything to me. It was the last thing missing from me that I felt shame about. I felt deep shame over not having a job even as I started to get sober. When I got this job I felt complete and fulfilled. Suddenly my life had another purpose. Then I am reminded of how she can go out of her way to make me someone ostracized at my job. I don't think she does it on purpose, she's just a tard. So I feel these feelings inside. Stuff like.. why am I trying? Why should I care when it can all be taken from me? I told my gf tonight that I can't drink because for me the drinking represents me giving up and not caring. When I pick up my first drink, especially if I am experiencing negative emotions, it means I don't give a ****. It means I don't give a **** what happens to me, to my family to my best friends to my job to my hp, nobody. Thats what that moment has historically symbolized for me. And I wonder how well I will take that if she starts calling my job or shows up and has to be escorted away by security. I think I understand to a degree that because she's his wife my dad has better ability to tune it out, but this is all I've known my entire life except times when I was away from home. I think the answer is to not give a **** if people at work find out I have a crazy mother. To soldier on and do the best job I can at work. To hold my head high knowing that this is just the family I was given and I had no choice in it. But stuff like that its easier said than done.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
:ghug3That's got to be so hard to deal with Unique.... Is your mom on medication?
Maybe you could forewarn your boss about the possibility of your mom calling up - at least they'd know what to expect. What's so great, though, is that you're moving forward and with time can expect to live in a place of your choosing. Maybe if you made a specific plan to save X amount of dollars each week, you would begin to see that time get closer and closer.
It's hard to detach when it's your mother who is ill. I would think you'd benefit from some counseling just to talk about growing up with that kind of chaos.
I worked with schizophrenics for several months in a "day" facility (and had a roomate with the paranoid version.....) - they're rather unpredictable, to say the least.....
I wish you all the very best......prayers for your family.......:ghug3
Maybe you could forewarn your boss about the possibility of your mom calling up - at least they'd know what to expect. What's so great, though, is that you're moving forward and with time can expect to live in a place of your choosing. Maybe if you made a specific plan to save X amount of dollars each week, you would begin to see that time get closer and closer.
It's hard to detach when it's your mother who is ill. I would think you'd benefit from some counseling just to talk about growing up with that kind of chaos.
I worked with schizophrenics for several months in a "day" facility (and had a roomate with the paranoid version.....) - they're rather unpredictable, to say the least.....
I wish you all the very best......prayers for your family.......:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 139
Unique, I am right there with you. While my mother does not have the ability to mess with my job, she has thoroughly embarassed me. Some people are scared to come to my house because she lives on the same street.
a couple of months ago, she got ahold of my daughter's cellphone and started calling up everyone we know telling them we were dead and accusing them of killing us. On the bright side, she also cussed the nearest bar owner and accused them of killing me so she is no longer allowed in there. She
wasn't always like this, her problems were caused by excessive alcohol. It damaged the tissue in her brain. And yet, she still drinks when she can get a hold of it!
She has "normal" days sometimes, but they are getting fewer and further between. Yesterday she insisted on using my phone because she swears hers is tapped and someone is tryng to get at her money (she has none). Today, we had an argument about whether or not her second husband is still alive and others have been hiding it from her. He's been dead since 1998. there are als days where she accuses me of being planted by the government to mess with her head and get at her money.
It's a difficult thing to deal with. I've had other get angry and ask me why I don't "DO" something about it. I've already done all I can legally, until she stops eating/taking care of herself, there is nothing they will do.
I totally understand what you are going through and wish I had some advice to offer. Just letting you know you are not alone.
a couple of months ago, she got ahold of my daughter's cellphone and started calling up everyone we know telling them we were dead and accusing them of killing us. On the bright side, she also cussed the nearest bar owner and accused them of killing me so she is no longer allowed in there. She
wasn't always like this, her problems were caused by excessive alcohol. It damaged the tissue in her brain. And yet, she still drinks when she can get a hold of it!
She has "normal" days sometimes, but they are getting fewer and further between. Yesterday she insisted on using my phone because she swears hers is tapped and someone is tryng to get at her money (she has none). Today, we had an argument about whether or not her second husband is still alive and others have been hiding it from her. He's been dead since 1998. there are als days where she accuses me of being planted by the government to mess with her head and get at her money.
It's a difficult thing to deal with. I've had other get angry and ask me why I don't "DO" something about it. I've already done all I can legally, until she stops eating/taking care of herself, there is nothing they will do.
I totally understand what you are going through and wish I had some advice to offer. Just letting you know you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
sorry, I know this is not a funny subject, but I had to chuckle a bit.
I don't think the drama in your life surrounding your mother/father will change until you move out, and like far far away.
Bite the bullet and move.
I don't think the drama in your life surrounding your mother/father will change until you move out, and like far far away.
Bite the bullet and move.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 323
Thanks for all the replies everyone. Bubblehead I can relate so much to what you said; everything you describe is very normal if not for my mother then her mother (my grandmother, also crazy but doesn't go out of her way to make her problems yours)
Anyway, great day today, no complaints, needed to blow off steam, thanks for listening
Anyway, great day today, no complaints, needed to blow off steam, thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
Wow
Sorry for what you are dealing with. Pay of that credit card as fast as you can. I know they live 15 minutes from work but is it worth it if you are constantly on pins and needles because she might show up and make you ostracized or worse get you fired? If you got fired then it might force you to stay in a situation that is pretty challenging.
Have you ever lived away from your family? If no you may not realize that the $700 is worth every ounce of peace.
Hope you are doing ok otherwise and sorry if I'm out of line
Have you ever lived away from your family? If no you may not realize that the $700 is worth every ounce of peace.
Hope you are doing ok otherwise and sorry if I'm out of line
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: central n00bistan
Posts: 121
UNY: I can relate. My mom has severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder and was a compulsive hoarder, to boot. Yeah, just like the wackjobs on the TV show. Drowning in garbage. Messed with my head growing up, I can tell you. Made me a bit of a neatfreak LOL
Anyways, her NPD was harsh, she would say the most horrible things about us kids to anyone who would listen. It was all a huge control issue for her, and not comprehending that her kids were not her personal toys, not things to be used. We learned very early to compartmentalize our lives and never bring anyone home or let the Momster know who our friends were.
If it was me, I'd get a lock for my door so I could sleep and be assured she wasn't pawing through my things while I was out (if you think this will cause worse problems, take everything of value or that you feel is too personal to share, and store it somewhere else, but still put a latch on the inside so you can sleep). I'd also save my money so I could move out as soon as possible. I'd give my boss a headsup, nothing dramatic, just so if anything should happen it does not catch the boss unaware. I'd put as much emotional and psychic distance between me an her as I could.
You can't fix your momster, bro. But you can protect yourself, and you don't have to drink to do that.
Anyways, her NPD was harsh, she would say the most horrible things about us kids to anyone who would listen. It was all a huge control issue for her, and not comprehending that her kids were not her personal toys, not things to be used. We learned very early to compartmentalize our lives and never bring anyone home or let the Momster know who our friends were.
If it was me, I'd get a lock for my door so I could sleep and be assured she wasn't pawing through my things while I was out (if you think this will cause worse problems, take everything of value or that you feel is too personal to share, and store it somewhere else, but still put a latch on the inside so you can sleep). I'd also save my money so I could move out as soon as possible. I'd give my boss a headsup, nothing dramatic, just so if anything should happen it does not catch the boss unaware. I'd put as much emotional and psychic distance between me an her as I could.
You can't fix your momster, bro. But you can protect yourself, and you don't have to drink to do that.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Man, UNY, I can't believe you never mentioned this before. You got a lot to deal with, there.
I'm in the camp who thinks the sooner you get out of the house, the better. I have a huge amount of credit card debt, too (way more than yours, but mine had more to do with poor choices in relationships), but the interest you will incur by paying it off slower would seem to be a small price to pay for having some peace in your life. Constant drama isn't good for ANYONE, but it's especially stressful when you're in early sobriety.
Could you maybe find someone to share an apartment?
I don't know that telling people at work about your mom and the possibility she could cause problems there is a good idea. It may never happen, and in that case you've unnecessarily made your personal life an issue at work. Deal with it when and if it happens.
Hang in there--I've got a lot of respect for the way you've been dealing with stuff in your life.
I'm in the camp who thinks the sooner you get out of the house, the better. I have a huge amount of credit card debt, too (way more than yours, but mine had more to do with poor choices in relationships), but the interest you will incur by paying it off slower would seem to be a small price to pay for having some peace in your life. Constant drama isn't good for ANYONE, but it's especially stressful when you're in early sobriety.
Could you maybe find someone to share an apartment?
I don't know that telling people at work about your mom and the possibility she could cause problems there is a good idea. It may never happen, and in that case you've unnecessarily made your personal life an issue at work. Deal with it when and if it happens.
Hang in there--I've got a lot of respect for the way you've been dealing with stuff in your life.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: central n00bistan
Posts: 121
On further thought, I think I'm with LexieCat on the boss/work issue. Probably best to deal with it when/if it happens (I know my crazy momster would make trouble if she had access to my job, but that's not to say yours will).
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