I felt so raw and bruised on the way home tonight
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
I felt so raw and bruised on the way home tonight
If I had had the money I would have bought alcohol. But thankfully I am broke again as is usual for this time period. I also am having work issues. Basically I've been busted for smelling like alcohol at work and if I show up late one more time for work that's it. This rule lasts for 6months
Part of me just wants to call uncle because I've never been on time for any job for 6 months in my life. I've never been on time for class.
The other part of me is saying that I have to fight. I want to be a financial advisor and being on time for people's appointments would be really awesome. Its a skill I have to learn.
I have two classes tht I need to start taking at the end os April. I've been doing my figuring, if I can keep this job or fineigle my way into a better paying one then I would be able to finish my 4th level of accounting by January - March of next year.
One year goes by in the blink of an eye. In one month it will have been a year since I came to live with my brother and I see the future that I have ahead of me so clearly I can see it and taste it.
I guess I need to examine why I would do something that would so obviously jeopardize all these dreams that I have. I choose to win.
I was at work 10 minutes early today. It was easy. I can keep doing it, one day at a time.
The thing that made me feel raw was that I got an email reminding me about the commitments that I had made with HR. That spun me out and made me feel agitated. That made me want to drink.
I wanted to drink because:
I felt ashamed about having been aught smelling like alcohol at work.
I feel ashamed of my physical appearance. I am overweight, my eyes are a strange colour and my skin looks awful. I've never felt so unattractive in my life
I am angry with myself for doing things that would sabotage my financial recovery and professional recovery so severely
My plan had been to come in, knuckle down and show them how much of a badass worker I can be and then ask for an accounting job. That my be up in the air now. Unless I try to 'kill it' from now on.
I can see the woman I can be. These literally inches away from my grasp and every time I pull sh*t like this she just gets a little further and further away.
I felt ashamed about having been caught smelling like alcohol at work.
Anyway as I was sitting in front of the TV feeling like I wanted to scratch my eyes out, I remembered that my doc had given me lorazepam and I took one. I love it, the anxiety just disappeared. Not all at once but it was like a few hours later and I realized that I felt like a normal human being. Thanks doctor M.
Now that I am a 'sistah' doing it for herself I understand how hard won every little victory is I'm very reluctant to give it up. I thought this call centre job would be one where I'd coast for a bit while I looked for a 'real job' but boy have I been wrong. Its really making me face some issues about myself that need fixing before I can go onto bigger and better.
I need to learn to persevere, I need to learn to push myself harder. I need to learn to do it the right way the first time instead of screwing up and then being in a major panic when I get busted.
Anyway tormorrow, I go out and conquer. When I leave this job, it shall be on my own terms and I will make this work.
I don't know how but I am going to come back from this so help me God
Part of me just wants to call uncle because I've never been on time for any job for 6 months in my life. I've never been on time for class.
The other part of me is saying that I have to fight. I want to be a financial advisor and being on time for people's appointments would be really awesome. Its a skill I have to learn.
I have two classes tht I need to start taking at the end os April. I've been doing my figuring, if I can keep this job or fineigle my way into a better paying one then I would be able to finish my 4th level of accounting by January - March of next year.
One year goes by in the blink of an eye. In one month it will have been a year since I came to live with my brother and I see the future that I have ahead of me so clearly I can see it and taste it.
I guess I need to examine why I would do something that would so obviously jeopardize all these dreams that I have. I choose to win.
I was at work 10 minutes early today. It was easy. I can keep doing it, one day at a time.
The thing that made me feel raw was that I got an email reminding me about the commitments that I had made with HR. That spun me out and made me feel agitated. That made me want to drink.
I wanted to drink because:
I felt ashamed about having been aught smelling like alcohol at work.
I feel ashamed of my physical appearance. I am overweight, my eyes are a strange colour and my skin looks awful. I've never felt so unattractive in my life
I am angry with myself for doing things that would sabotage my financial recovery and professional recovery so severely
My plan had been to come in, knuckle down and show them how much of a badass worker I can be and then ask for an accounting job. That my be up in the air now. Unless I try to 'kill it' from now on.
I can see the woman I can be. These literally inches away from my grasp and every time I pull sh*t like this she just gets a little further and further away.
I felt ashamed about having been caught smelling like alcohol at work.
Anyway as I was sitting in front of the TV feeling like I wanted to scratch my eyes out, I remembered that my doc had given me lorazepam and I took one. I love it, the anxiety just disappeared. Not all at once but it was like a few hours later and I realized that I felt like a normal human being. Thanks doctor M.
Now that I am a 'sistah' doing it for herself I understand how hard won every little victory is I'm very reluctant to give it up. I thought this call centre job would be one where I'd coast for a bit while I looked for a 'real job' but boy have I been wrong. Its really making me face some issues about myself that need fixing before I can go onto bigger and better.
I need to learn to persevere, I need to learn to push myself harder. I need to learn to do it the right way the first time instead of screwing up and then being in a major panic when I get busted.
Anyway tormorrow, I go out and conquer. When I leave this job, it shall be on my own terms and I will make this work.
I don't know how but I am going to come back from this so help me God
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 401
I know it's tough getting that kind of criticism from work but keep your head up. I'm know you've been through tough situations in life and you've made it through those. I'm sure none/not many of the people who know you at your workplace know about how hard you're trying to conquer your alcohol demons let alone the pressures @ work. Stay confident in yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
Any feeling I had, either anger, shame or happiness I wanted to drink.
This is how an alcoholic like me copes. Alcohol almost always got me into trouble, either with employment, spouse or the law.
I needed to learn better coping abilities and you may need to as well.
You can accomplish all that you dream of sober. Its hard at first, but know that you aren't alone. Coming here is a good first step. You can do this, I'm rooting 4 you.
This is how an alcoholic like me copes. Alcohol almost always got me into trouble, either with employment, spouse or the law.
I needed to learn better coping abilities and you may need to as well.
You can accomplish all that you dream of sober. Its hard at first, but know that you aren't alone. Coming here is a good first step. You can do this, I'm rooting 4 you.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 66
Trying the ol' willpower routine eh?................. good luck..
Also, be careful with the Lorazepam, I was on that as well, and as time went on I needed more and more, and it became a problem like booze, don't sleep on those benzo's, they'll destroy you as bad as booze.
Also, be careful with the Lorazepam, I was on that as well, and as time went on I needed more and more, and it became a problem like booze, don't sleep on those benzo's, they'll destroy you as bad as booze.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 432
Well, one thing you really seem to have going for you is rigorous honesty about yourself and your situation. The big book says that's key obviously. You're looking at your situation, understanding what's going on very clearly and making a plan to come out the best way possible.
You may want to be careful with the benzo. When your prescription runs out, just stop. Maybe try a warm bath instead or a walk.
I wouldn't let the work setbacks worry you. One thing they love to see is somebody who can take a little constructive criticism and actually change the way they do things. It's pretty rare.
You may want to be careful with the benzo. When your prescription runs out, just stop. Maybe try a warm bath instead or a walk.
I wouldn't let the work setbacks worry you. One thing they love to see is somebody who can take a little constructive criticism and actually change the way they do things. It's pretty rare.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,501
I think that it's a good idea to focus on the 'chronically late' situation. The discipline of being 'on time' for work, every day, could be very helpful for your recovery.
Good for you for focusing on your plans for your career and knowing that you need to be sober to accomplish those goals.
Good for you for focusing on your plans for your career and knowing that you need to be sober to accomplish those goals.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
I didn't ask for those benzo's.
Originally Posted by dairo 
Trying the ol' willpower routine eh?................. good luck..
Also, be careful with the Lorazepam, I was on that as well, and as time went on I needed more and more, and it became a problem like booze, don't sleep on those benzo's, they'll destroy you as bad as booze.
Also, be careful with the Lorazepam, I was on that as well, and as time went on I needed more and more, and it became a problem like booze, don't sleep on those benzo's, they'll destroy you as bad as booze.
I didn't ask my PCP for the lorazepam she was actually pretty p*ssed at me for trying to do it that way (ie cold turkey it) and referred me to an addictions centre and gave me that to help me along. She only gave me 3 weeks worth.
Like the heading says, since this is Day 1 of sobriety everything feels like a sledgehammer or like I've been mauled by a tiger. Emotionally I mean and I feel like if I had the pain tolerance I would hurt myself physically to express the pain.
The lorazepam helps to take that edge off during those times of 'crisis' when the cravings are busting my butt the hardest. It gives me a chance to focus on something like studying as opposed to fixating on how oh how can I scratch up the money to drink the cheapest vilest sherry I can find.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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I have to agree about the Ativan benzo. It definetly helps with the detox and is probably one of the few things that helped me. However, I slowly got addicted to that as well and it's a worse withdrawal than alcohol even. If your doctor only prescribed it for 3 weeks though it's probably safe.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Concentrate on your sobriety and everything else will fall into place.
Before being able to advise other people on their finances, you might need to get a hold of your problem and finances.
What I'm politely saying is maybe make your recovery your top priority?
We can and do recover and you can be living proof. You've got a very positive attitude.
Kjell
Before being able to advise other people on their finances, you might need to get a hold of your problem and finances.
What I'm politely saying is maybe make your recovery your top priority?
We can and do recover and you can be living proof. You've got a very positive attitude.
Kjell
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
My Finances
I do plan to get my house in order first which is why I am working in a call centre while i get my accounting designation. I definately think that I've learned things while taking this trip around the block that would make me a better advisor when I get there.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I'm concerned about the benzo issue too. Don't get caught thinking its OK, because a Dr prescribed them. I've seen lots of people get hooked on these. Do you have any refills or would you go back to the Dr. for that? I took benzos to detox - they gave me 5 days worth. The fact that you got 3 weeks worth bothers me, especially if you continue to drink.
If you think alcohol withdrawals suck, you should see alcohol and benzos withdrawals. They are life threatening.
If you think alcohol withdrawals suck, you should see alcohol and benzos withdrawals. They are life threatening.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
Mountains Out of Molehills
As part of my bankruptcy I have to provide tax returns for every place I ever worked at. There was one place I got fired from where I was just too darn chicken to call and ask if they could send me a new one. Turns out both the Finance Manager and his admin assistant both got fired. I was I got fired just about over a year ago so they can't have been there much longer after me.
Anyway I hope that by the end of this week this whole bankruptcy ordeal will be over.
Anyway I hope that by the end of this week this whole bankruptcy ordeal will be over.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I agree with Anna that being on time for work consistently will definitely help you and remove part of your ongoing stress.
as for the Ativan (Loraz.)...it does have a lengthy 1/2 life in your body...IDK what dosage the doctor gave you, but you might want to call and ask if you can get by on a 1/2 dosage (cut the pills in halves)...especially if your sober, you might find this is enough to help you get over some rough spots.
I can identify with feeling "blowsey"...there are a few things you can do in the evening to help make yourself feel better by creating a grooming routine...and an eveningritual of taking care of YOU might help with your morning rush....it can tie together in a positive way.
congrats on dealing with your problems and staying sober....don't self-sabotage!
as for the Ativan (Loraz.)...it does have a lengthy 1/2 life in your body...IDK what dosage the doctor gave you, but you might want to call and ask if you can get by on a 1/2 dosage (cut the pills in halves)...especially if your sober, you might find this is enough to help you get over some rough spots.
I can identify with feeling "blowsey"...there are a few things you can do in the evening to help make yourself feel better by creating a grooming routine...and an eveningritual of taking care of YOU might help with your morning rush....it can tie together in a positive way.
congrats on dealing with your problems and staying sober....don't self-sabotage!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
Today Is Friday
And I had a major WTF moment yesterday. I should have had all the information necessary to close of my bankruptcy ready by the 21st which was monday. Instead I procrastinated and only managed to get all the information in by yesterday afternoon and had to run to the trustees office this morning to sign one last set of papers.
My bankruptcy should be discharged as of today. I will receive the paperwork confirming that in the mail in about 6 weeks. Here's the thing, the information that they requested me for was really really easy to find or produce. There is no reason why I should not have done it sooner as I received their request 3 WEEKS ago and didn't do anything about it until the 21st. Thankfully my actual discharge date as per the court was the 27th.
Just to put this in perspective, had I not been able to produce all the information I would have had to wait for my case to be heard by a bankruptcy judge which could have had the following results.
a. I could have been assessed a much higher payment.
b. worse still, I would have been in bankruptcy until I saw the judge and met the judge's requirements. It could take up to 3 years to see a judge.
Now I knew all this long before the 21st but it only all coalesced in my mind yesterday afternoon like at 3 when it was literally too late to do anything about anything except go with what I had.
I wanted to slap myself up the head. WTF was I thinking? Why would I do that to myself? I had made up a whole plan about how after I had got this bankruptcy out of the way I could get my financial licenses and then start working on building a financial advisory business which would make so much more money than a 9 to 5. The proceeds of which are to pay for a top ranked Bschool so I can finally get my MBA.
I literally tried to cripple myself before I left the starting gate. The same with my weight. I only lose weight when I go to the gym consistently. BUT the whole gym thing works best when I go in the morning. Meaning I need to be at the gym by 5:30 which is doable. Of course I end up staying awake until 1 sometimes 2 which means that making it to the gym at that hour is out of the question and after work has its own issues so I end up not going for weeks at a time.
I sabotage potential friendships with neglect.
I fail to follow through with plans
I did the same thing at work: showing up late until someone said something and now I have to change.....OR ELSE. I drank at work until someone noticed. Unless someone is looking over my shoulder giving me that ultimatum I don't get my a** in gear and do something. When there is no one looking over my shoulder I literally don't give a sh*t. I need this job for reasons I have detailed many many times, primarily it pays for classes which will get me in position for a better job which oh you know pays more than just above minimum wage but looking at it I've tried so f/cking hard to get fired I'm not sure why I still work there. I'm lazy. I'm honest to God lazy.
I have nothing because I've been doing the barest minimum while hoping for the gold medal and then feeling hard done by when I don't get it. I think I have been for the longest time the queen of self sabotage.
I recall my mother telling me like 8 years ago when she first noticed I was drinking too much that it seemed like I was trying to destroy myself. I thought she was just being ridiculous.
How does this pertain to my drinking? I've been going back for just one last time, one last day because nothing had happened yet. My right side had felt sore but I'm not throwing up blood. I don't have jaundice. I don't have a DUI. (When I was driving home from work yesterday 'sober' I had another WTF moment about that too?) When I think about it now that seems like just such a bad decision for me, for my family for anyone else involved. There are somethings that sorry just doesn't even touch. I was literally waiting for cirrhosis to come, or pancreatitis or jail. Why would I do that? Why would I do things that make me so unhappy and cause so much anguish for myself and every one else?
Anyway, I'm sober today, I plan to be sober this weekend. I know you should take it one day at a time but this time I really want to stay sober. Not just for my liver or family or others with whom I have to share public space.
This is not who I want to be, I want to be driven, focused, organised, not just goal oriented but goal achieving. I want to be happy that people remember me and not be anxious about why. Maybe the reason why I am alone is to make myself miserable plus depression.
My bankruptcy should be discharged as of today. I will receive the paperwork confirming that in the mail in about 6 weeks. Here's the thing, the information that they requested me for was really really easy to find or produce. There is no reason why I should not have done it sooner as I received their request 3 WEEKS ago and didn't do anything about it until the 21st. Thankfully my actual discharge date as per the court was the 27th.
Just to put this in perspective, had I not been able to produce all the information I would have had to wait for my case to be heard by a bankruptcy judge which could have had the following results.
a. I could have been assessed a much higher payment.
b. worse still, I would have been in bankruptcy until I saw the judge and met the judge's requirements. It could take up to 3 years to see a judge.
Now I knew all this long before the 21st but it only all coalesced in my mind yesterday afternoon like at 3 when it was literally too late to do anything about anything except go with what I had.
I wanted to slap myself up the head. WTF was I thinking? Why would I do that to myself? I had made up a whole plan about how after I had got this bankruptcy out of the way I could get my financial licenses and then start working on building a financial advisory business which would make so much more money than a 9 to 5. The proceeds of which are to pay for a top ranked Bschool so I can finally get my MBA.
I literally tried to cripple myself before I left the starting gate. The same with my weight. I only lose weight when I go to the gym consistently. BUT the whole gym thing works best when I go in the morning. Meaning I need to be at the gym by 5:30 which is doable. Of course I end up staying awake until 1 sometimes 2 which means that making it to the gym at that hour is out of the question and after work has its own issues so I end up not going for weeks at a time.
I sabotage potential friendships with neglect.
I fail to follow through with plans
I did the same thing at work: showing up late until someone said something and now I have to change.....OR ELSE. I drank at work until someone noticed. Unless someone is looking over my shoulder giving me that ultimatum I don't get my a** in gear and do something. When there is no one looking over my shoulder I literally don't give a sh*t. I need this job for reasons I have detailed many many times, primarily it pays for classes which will get me in position for a better job which oh you know pays more than just above minimum wage but looking at it I've tried so f/cking hard to get fired I'm not sure why I still work there. I'm lazy. I'm honest to God lazy.
I have nothing because I've been doing the barest minimum while hoping for the gold medal and then feeling hard done by when I don't get it. I think I have been for the longest time the queen of self sabotage.
I recall my mother telling me like 8 years ago when she first noticed I was drinking too much that it seemed like I was trying to destroy myself. I thought she was just being ridiculous.
How does this pertain to my drinking? I've been going back for just one last time, one last day because nothing had happened yet. My right side had felt sore but I'm not throwing up blood. I don't have jaundice. I don't have a DUI. (When I was driving home from work yesterday 'sober' I had another WTF moment about that too?) When I think about it now that seems like just such a bad decision for me, for my family for anyone else involved. There are somethings that sorry just doesn't even touch. I was literally waiting for cirrhosis to come, or pancreatitis or jail. Why would I do that? Why would I do things that make me so unhappy and cause so much anguish for myself and every one else?
Anyway, I'm sober today, I plan to be sober this weekend. I know you should take it one day at a time but this time I really want to stay sober. Not just for my liver or family or others with whom I have to share public space.
This is not who I want to be, I want to be driven, focused, organised, not just goal oriented but goal achieving. I want to be happy that people remember me and not be anxious about why. Maybe the reason why I am alone is to make myself miserable plus depression.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
And the Craziness Continues
I stayed awake last night, all night watching a podcast called 'That's Gay'. It cracks me up so much. Anyway I couldn't sleep because I remembered that I needed to provide information to HR about my 'issue' and details about what treatment I will be receiving or I will be fired. Now I had this conversation with HR on Feb 17th and received the email detailing exactly what was necessary on the 28th but didn't act on it until yesterday night.
The thing was of course that when I got the letter and felt so overwhelmed I just saved it in a folder and then kept on working so I couldn't remember exactly what the letter said.
So at about 3 am this morning I became extremely alarmed that I had not done anything about this. See, I thought that the letter said that I had to provide details of a program that I was currently in. I have until Feb 28th to see my doctor and if I don't I get fired. So I was wracking my brains all night calling everywhere to see if there was a program that I could get into that very minute.
Of course what I had forgotten is that you might have to deal with referrals and they might not let you go until you are properly detoxed if it is inpatient. I found a place that would take me immediately, at like 3 am. But it was inpatient detox and they would have kept me for 5 days which I couldn't do. I seriously considered drinking again plus some lorazepam so they would let me in and I would have paperwork and then somehow getting out to make it to work in time for Monday and show that I had started getting treated.
My last drink was Monday this week.
In the clear light of day I am wondering what the heck I would have done had I needed to prove I was in a program before monday. I had a major WTF that I would even think about mixing the two. I had wanted to take so much that I would be just completely wasted and insensible so they would have to take me.
I am glad that I did not buy alcohol yesterday. My brother had those coolers but the alcohol content is so low I haven't bothered with them in a while. There is no doubt in my mind that if I had alcohol I would have done exactly what I wrote above. I'v never mixed alcohol and lorazepam I have no idea what would have happened. I might have OD'd by accident.
Crazy, no?
The thing was of course that when I got the letter and felt so overwhelmed I just saved it in a folder and then kept on working so I couldn't remember exactly what the letter said.
So at about 3 am this morning I became extremely alarmed that I had not done anything about this. See, I thought that the letter said that I had to provide details of a program that I was currently in. I have until Feb 28th to see my doctor and if I don't I get fired. So I was wracking my brains all night calling everywhere to see if there was a program that I could get into that very minute.
Of course what I had forgotten is that you might have to deal with referrals and they might not let you go until you are properly detoxed if it is inpatient. I found a place that would take me immediately, at like 3 am. But it was inpatient detox and they would have kept me for 5 days which I couldn't do. I seriously considered drinking again plus some lorazepam so they would let me in and I would have paperwork and then somehow getting out to make it to work in time for Monday and show that I had started getting treated.
My last drink was Monday this week.
In the clear light of day I am wondering what the heck I would have done had I needed to prove I was in a program before monday. I had a major WTF that I would even think about mixing the two. I had wanted to take so much that I would be just completely wasted and insensible so they would have to take me.
I am glad that I did not buy alcohol yesterday. My brother had those coolers but the alcohol content is so low I haven't bothered with them in a while. There is no doubt in my mind that if I had alcohol I would have done exactly what I wrote above. I'v never mixed alcohol and lorazepam I have no idea what would have happened. I might have OD'd by accident.
Crazy, no?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 91
Thank you so much for sharing what is going on your life. I can relate to so much you said about yourself. Sabotage, being lazy, not following commitments. I have gotten to the point where I don't even open my mail, check my email, talk to friends, return calls etc. That leads to even more anxiety because I realize what a horrible person I have become due to alcohol. I don't want to live like this anymore and it seems like you don't either. That is the first step. Congrats on being sober today, I am only on Day 2. We can do this. I am cheering you on from the sidelines.
I ignore my responsibilities as well, thinking that they will go away if ignored. There were so many parts of your post that helped me tremendously to not feel so alone and like an outcast. As far as your treatment, can you do any outpatient program or will they accept signed attendance letters from AA?
I ignore my responsibilities as well, thinking that they will go away if ignored. There were so many parts of your post that helped me tremendously to not feel so alone and like an outcast. As far as your treatment, can you do any outpatient program or will they accept signed attendance letters from AA?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
Not a clue what they will accept. My Primary care physician had told me to self refer to an addictions centre that is really close to where I live I just hadn't gone there yet. I had already told HR that AA wasn't happening for me (it isn't. Maybe I didn't try hard enough or wasn't ready) but I think I nipped that one in the bud.
I know what you mean about the mail. I think I once went a whole year without opening mail. I stopped checking my email and I don't return phone calls unless its family.
I'm glad that what I'm sharing is helping you.
My body hurts when I even think about spending time with other people. One lady at work made a point of saying hello to me and told me that I am very withdrawn. when I say my body hurts, its not a physical hurt. hard to explain but its like an achy feeling down my spine and my legs and the outside of my arms.
Don't know if anyone else feels this.
I know what you mean about the mail. I think I once went a whole year without opening mail. I stopped checking my email and I don't return phone calls unless its family.
I'm glad that what I'm sharing is helping you.
My body hurts when I even think about spending time with other people. One lady at work made a point of saying hello to me and told me that I am very withdrawn. when I say my body hurts, its not a physical hurt. hard to explain but its like an achy feeling down my spine and my legs and the outside of my arms.
Don't know if anyone else feels this.
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