AprilMay1895

I had a discussion last night with someone in AA and also previously with my sponsor where both have said that my relocating after my recent drinking would be a bad idea, they're advising that I get at least a year of sobriety before relocating...so I need to fight for myself with this company then if I'm stuck here another year. So I'll continue to have "fake" interviews until something happens. They know that with no pay raise and no benefits, I'd be brain dead to not look for another job and they can't really get mad and fire me over it either...our department would be drastically understaffed and in serious trouble if they let me go.

But what someone just said reminds me of what I read in a book called The Art of Happiness. It says that comparing yourself to other people is human nature...to be happy though, we need to compare ourselves to people who have less than us, rather than people who have more than us. Makes sense. I am lucky to be where I am, other people are better off than me, and even more people are worse off than me...so my perception of my situation just depends on who I'm comparing myself to.

Kjell

Hi April-

Be careful here. We are all replaceable.

...and without talking to them directly, you don't really know what they are thinking (especially about you). They might have a reason to keep you where you are at and might be happy with your place in the company as is.

Also, if you go this route, you'll then need to excuse and understand if they are dishonest or shady in any way.

Good luck! These "dealings" with our employers are usually "easier said than done". I struggle too.

Kjell

Supercrew

April, do you think relocating would be a bad idea?

AprilMay1895

Yeah, I'll have to do it with some form of tact. lol

As far as whether or not I think relocating is a bad idea...I don't know. I've wanted to move out of this city since I graduated college in '09 but haven't had the opportunity. The first 18 years of my life I lived in one city, never touched alcohol and had a ridiculously amazing life, when I was 18 I moved to my current city, started drinking and things have been pretty horrific.

Sometimes I've wanted to move, just for the sake of moving someplace and starting over fresh...no bad memories attached to everything. I acted out some of my worst nightmares here. But I also know that I'm not an incredibly social person and not knowing anyone in a new city would be tough and drinking could be my escape...OR I could join AA wherever I move to and have a new social network and maybe stay sober, not wanting to ruin my new life.

I don't have any family in my current city and no outstanding friendships either. If I don't relocate and I keep working at this pay level, it negatively affects my parents as they're helping support me financially...also when I turn 27 next year, I can't ride on their insurance benefits anymore. Part of me feels like opposing a relocation is really counter-productive. But I honestly don't know what the best option would be for me at this point...there's pro's and con's to each situation.

LaFemme

Hi April! I really feel for you!

I'm not in Aa but I've heard the "no big changes in the first year" rule. I've also heard the caveat that if something is detrimental to your society you can waive that rule. So, in my humble opinion, moving should be an option for you...after all AA is everywhere

soidog

Hey April, really sorry to hear about your position. As others have mentioned, please do try and keep in mind that in many ways, the entire economy is still in the toilet, though its getting better thank God. There is no question that it is an employer's market now more than ever, and part of that reality means that for those of us who are still lucky to be employed, we are not always in a position to negotiate the salary and benefits we deserve. That's not a justification for your situation of course, but just a reminder to keep in mind that its probably not personal against you (esp. if your employer who is calling the shots is in Canada as you mention).

I can tell you that I've been at the same job for over 7 years now, and where I work is just as dysfunctional and frustrating at times as anyplace. Its an extremely stressful environment and many many times I have felt that management here can be uncaring, manipulative, or just plain bullying at times. But there are aspects of the job that are very rewarding and that is what keeps me there. So let me tell you that you are not alone. A job is a job, and generally, most people I know have frustrations to some level. I know very few people who "love" their jobs.

Let me also echo the earlier statements that anger is going to be a person's biggest crutch in recovery. That's not to dismiss your anger or frustration, but just a friendly note of caution that not being able to handle that anger effectively can almost always lead to worse things. People deal with their anger their own way, some successfully and some not successfully. You know yourself better than others so I'm not one to tell you how best to deal with it, but please do know that it should be a priority in recovery (actually it should be a priority all the time).

But I would say that, in all my years of employment, one thing I would definitely recommend is keeping your filters on at work and not saying or doing anything rash. That's how people end up getting sued, fired, or both. Try your best to keep a cool head and stay professional. Related, keep in mind that if you feel and look miserable at work, it WILL show. So try and keep a positive demeanor as much as you can. I cannot emphasize that enough.

In the mean time, I totally agree with you that channeling some of that energy into alternative plans might be the best thing to do. It doesn't sound like you have much control over your immediate situation, but you can certainly control what you are doing outside of work to make contacts, build your resume, and develop your portfolio. I would echo what others say about freelance work. Places like the e-lance website can be great forums for graphic designers to find work. Self study, or taking an extra class at night also gets you those added skills. Its extremely competitive out there right now so its almost negligent not to be looking to advance yourself in some way if you have the time to do so.

So don't give up! Keep strong, keep a cool head, and keep on looking for opportunities to better yourself. Good luck.

UniqueNewYork

Hi April. I graduated from a top school in the country that everyone on this forum has in all likelihood heard of. I've gone the last 3 years humping dead end jobs. When I would tell people where I graduated, they immediately asked me why I was a F up. I can't make this up. I stopped telling people where I attended school. I was ashamed of myself. At times I wished I had no affiliation to my college. I loved my school and didn't want it to be associated with me. Today I am back in my field. I work 9 and 10 hour days for not much money as a temp. But I am back in my chosen field. I can't express how full the well of pride is in me about my job. Its a different kind of pride. Not sure how to describe it. Almost like pride coming from humility. I am sober. I love going into work. I love my coworkers. I love my boss. I love my job. None of this would be possible without sobriety.

Antiderivative

Are they telling you this because they honestly mean it or are they just regurgitating inane sayings that have no basis in the AA program, such as "no major changes in the first year" or "no relationships in the first year"?

Why would anyone deter you from trying to progress professionally and away from a job that is clearly taking advantage of you? Plus, AA is all over the country and parts of the world. It is not like you will be without a support net anywhere in this country, unless you choose to be. Additionally, you would not be moving for the so-called "geographical" cure, but for positive and healthy reason.

I certainly question their advice, but I am basing my questioning on very limited information. Maybe they know you better or know more to the story, but telling someone to hang out for a year and at a job that is taking advantage of them doesn't seem like sound advice.

I would start searching elsewhere. Unless you are lucky, landing a good professional jobs that you suits your passions and skills could easily take 6-12 months.

AprilMay1895

Funny you say that, antiderivitive, I think the AA groups that I'm in are really full of inane sayings like that. lol I'm still working through the "3 meetings a week or you'll drink" concept...just haven't been able to buy it. I guess you could say I'm really doubting things they tell me lately...that's probably what brought me to these forums...wondering how other people work AA into their lives.

But my decision is to not heed their threats of doom if I move. I know they have the best of intentions, but they really don't know me that well. I think they just know what AA tells them and what they've experienced/seen. If I were to actually find a great job somewhere else, I think my dedication to sobriety would be higher because I would not want to risk my job over it. I remember when I drank again a couple weeks ago, one of my not-so-intelligent thoughts was, "who cares what this does to my job, it's probably never going to go anywhere anyway."

But I know it's going to be a while anyway or if at all that I find a new job...it already has been awhile in fact. lol But the way I see it, there's no sense in being apprehensive about sending out my resume anymore.

Thanks,
April

Kjell

Seriously?

The "one year of no big changes" suggestion is suggested so one can get sober, work through the steps, and then make decisions with a healthy, sound mind.

AA is not going to be able to change itself to fit your exact needs. Not every thing you hear is going to apply directly to you and your current situation.

Take what you can and leave the rest behind. What doesn't apply to you might be saving someone elses life.

Kjell

LaFemme

I've always believed that even when in a job you love you should still have an up to date resume and keep your options open, so no need to feel apprehensive about looking for a new job!

Good luck! Sending positive job-hunting thoughts your way!

AprilMay1895

I guess I'm getting to the core resentment with AA/my sponsor. I don't expect AA to change anything about the rules, suggestions, etc. to accommodate me. Just like you said Kjell, what doesn't work for me might save a lot of other people's lives.

When I got my sponsor she had me go to three specific meetings with the same group of people that all go to those meetings. I've heard other people say that we're the hardcore, high structured and clique-ish groups of the area...I'm wondering if this just isn't working for me and I should switch to different groups/different sponsor who have a more free-thinking approach. I understand why "free-thinking" isn't suggested for alcoholics...are perceptions are skewed, but I feel like there are probably more people like me who want the program of AA, but also want to be able to "take it or leave it" at their own discretion. Guess it's up for me to experiment with different "doses" of AA.

Thanks everyone,
April

sailorjohn

"No major changes in the first year" isn't in the BB.

If you aren't wanting to leave to escape your internal problems-thinking 'geographical cure' here, I don't see anything harmful with moving to a better employment opportunity, most major metro areas in the US have a lot of meetings.

Kjell

That is so very true.

I'm very lucky to have found a great, solid, solution oriented group.

Easy for me to think all groups are like this, sure my group isn't perfect, but it's carrying the message.

I'm almost able to drive again and once I do, I'm going to take your advice though and seek out different groups. Even though I go to a good group, I need some variety too.

Kjell

LosingmyMisery

There are pros and cons with any job. My experience is...mostly cons. All I can say is, try to hang in there. Times are tough. I know, I just lost my job due to budget cuts. 3 positions were cut. Do they care the office is understaffed, no. All they care about is cutting funds. I know I worked hard and was a valuable access. When push comes to shove, it doesn't really matter. Be very careful...we all are dispensable. Sorry to say, but it is true. The morale of the story is, thank goodness you are working through these difficult times. I don't mean to minimize your frustration, just trying to put it into perspective. Good luck!

sailorjohn

38) New relationships can be dangerous in early recovery. The tendency for single people to enter into a new, romantic relationship in early recovery and then relapse is so much more common then anyone would first guess. You have to see it to believe it. I lived in long term treatment and watched literally dozens of people relapse in early recovery, almost always due to a failed relationship. This is a very strong tendency and the reason is because a new relationship completely replaces the need for recovery.

In other words, if you can latch on to a new romance in early recovery, then the need to work on yourself and push for personal growth completely vanishes. Someone loves you exactly as you are, and it feels wonderful! So why should you push yourself to grow and change, when you could just kick back and enjoy this awesome new feeling called love?

This happens over and over again in early recovery and it never ends well.
If it is too early then it is too early. Some say wait a year….I say, wait until you are happy and content with your life while being single. Only then can you safely contribute to a meaningful relationship.

Patrick Meninga

One of the regulars posted this up in the F&F Forums, "51 Things".

What it does say in the BB on the subject of relationships is on page 69.:rotfxko

I find myself in agreement with this gentleman, and I have also witnessed it. Some people may be ready for a relationship in 6 months, some might not be ready after a year.

Antiderivative

Out of all the meetings I have been to, I have never heard of this saying. I have heard that "meeting makers make it", but I have never heard anyone put a magical number on weekly meetings that one needs to attend in order to maintain sobriety. Even the "meeting makers make it" saying isn't explicitly in the AA program, unless one argues that they are also incorporating some 12 step work. However, people who tend to be proactive in their recovery tend to have a better chance. We were proactive in our drinking/drugging, so we can also be proactive in our recovery.

Trying to move yourself from perverse situations such as a working a job that is taking advantage of you, is being proactive in your recovery. If you get a new job, then finding new AA groups or a support group in your new location, is being proactive in your recovery.

Seeking advice and guidance is good, but it is not without its caveats. Sometimes you get what you seek, others times you don't, and other times you get bad advice. However, at the end of the day, the only person who has to make the decision is you.

My advice to you, is to be brutally honest with yourself. Can you handle a potential move without it jeopardizing your sobriety? If you answered "yes", then start looking. If you have any uncertainties or reservations, then you probably need to ruminate about your decision more.

This is a most reasonable argument, but remember we are dealing with alcoholism. Alcoholics are not always reasonable. It is simply insane what some of us do. We **** all over opportunities and throw away good lives, and sometimes more than once.

This is why self-pity is dangerous for alcoholics. In fact, self-pity can be deadly for some of us.

You shouldn't be apprehensive. In fact, you should cherish the opportunity you have. While it is true that you are stuck in a lousy job, you have an education, experience, and youth on your side. If you get this sobriety thing now, you will have the whole world laying ahead of you with new horizons.

Antiderivative

I agree with you. I am also cognizant of the fact that rushing into relationships early in recovery can invite devastating consequences. However, the whole "wait until a year" for major changes or relationships is not in the AA program.

There is no magical number when someone will be ready for a meaningful relationship. In fact, some need more than a year.

It is a tad amusing that page 69 is devoted to sexual inventories. :rotfxko

MrDavid

Here is the definition of a resentment:

"I drink poison and I hope you die"

Don't drink the poison, let go and let God instead.




p.s. You'll find a job better suited for you.

UniqueNewYork

LOL so true.