weird experience last night
 

From some of my other posts you may remember that I haven't told anyone in my family about quitting, including my wife. She's noticed but so far the topic has remained un-discussed, it's day 43.

Last night I was stressing a bit because we were headed for dinner at my in-laws and drinking is always involved at these events. My in-laws are very generous people, have tons of great booze, and my father in-law and I would always drink together, the two of us more than anyone else there.

Usually, right when we'd walk in the door I'd be offered a beer or a cocktail but not last night. My wife helped herself to a beer. Her dad asked if he could "get me anything" and I took a Diet Coke. Other people were offered champagne and wine before dinner, but not me. My father in-law poured himself a whiskey (from the bottle that I had given him for Christmas) and then thanked me for it, said he was enjoying it. Usually he would offer me some, more than once if I initially refused. But not last night.

During dinner he quietly offered me a glass of wine and I said no thanks and he just left it at that.

So the thing I had feared didn't materialize, which is that I was going to be offered alcohol and then have the whole topic come up in public. But what I suspect really happened, and what I didn't expect, is that everyone knows what's going on but is being too polite to discuss it. I'm thinking my wife told them something about my quitting.

And what's even scaring me more is the possibility that everyone else thinks my quitting is a good thing and perhaps overdue. And that's a sinking realization that doesn't feel too good at all.

Anyway just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks.

Assuming you're correct, my pride and I had a few nights like this, reset.

I eventually figured out my pride mustn't have been there when I was lying in various gutters, smashed furniture, hotel bathrooms etc.

As uncomfortable as it is to swallow in some situations you're right about this
you're doing the right thing - I've never regretted quitting or becoming the guy I am today :)

D

Reset-

More than likely, you're spot on. Most folks in our inner cirlce can admit that our drinking has become a problem long before we can.

Plus, they're the ones that have to pay when we get drunk and obnoxious :)

Keep up the good work and enjoy the ride~

Kjell

You might just be paranoid.. Obviously, since you were offered wine by your FIL, I doubt your wife said anything to him..

Hi reset,
Looks like your family know you are not drinking but may think you're practising control drinking and that's why the wine was offered at dinner.
It's good to hear they are being supportive and obviously care about you, maybe they're just waiting until you feel ready to tell them you know longer drink alcohol.
You must have a wonderful wife and in-laws....lucky you :)

Though no-one can go back and make a new start,
anyone can start from now and make a new ending.
Carl Bard.

Sounds like you handled it exactly right. They probably admire you for it.

We alcoholics.. we can get very lost in caring about who knows our dirty little secret. I made a post a couple weeks back something like "hundreds maybe thousands of people know I'm an alcoholic". The thread was about my fears. My fear that coming back to the town I spent the most time in getting drunk I would be surrounded by people judging me. I have been here almost 3 weeks. I have only run into one person who knows I'm an alcoholic at subway. I avoided them and went the other way. If they noticed me, they made no move to interact or acknowledge my presence. The truth is we get so caught up in being this antihero or infamous celebrity, we don't realize that people have their own lives and for the most part don't give a crap.

In the case of your in laws chances are they really do care about you. I was an a hole when I drank. I can tell you the way you talk about your father in law especially, you guys are closer than you might think. Thats a good man that has seen you drunk that many times and still wants to hang out. I can count on one hand the people who have seen me drunk several times and still want to hang out. It would take a ledger to write all the people who have seen me drunk and feel something from a scale of never want to see me again to want me dead if they could get away with it.

Reset
Sounds like you have nice inlaws, thats a blessing.

When I tried to stop drinking a few years ago (at my wifes insistance) my inlaws were partying in the back yard and screaming up to our bedroom window to stop being a p**sy and come down and drink with them......I told them no repeatedly, but to no avail............................my wife just layed there, saying nothing to her family.................I felt so alone.

Youre blessed.

What other people think about me is none of my business.

Thanks for being so honest . I have not even considered the possibility of a social event without the booze yet......Actually one thing that really concerns me is , when I go out to any social occasion, I rarely drink , probably only one light beer , if that. However get me at home by myself , it is a very different story .

Reset, the funny thing mate , is I get really bothered by people who are drunk in public and I have noticed that my Ego , takes over and I intellectually say "Im much better and in more control than you " , when in fact , It is , I think , DENIAL in its purest form...

Looking forward to your thoughts...my friend

L

I remember last year, I completely agonized over my first family dinner....Easter. I asked what i could bring and brought along a bottle of seltzer for me and some flavored teas.

no one made a big deal, everyone respected my wishes, i just mentioned in passing that i had stopped drinking for health reasons, it was not helping my BP and meds.

I made it into a big deal, no one else did.

your wife probably mentioned it to her family and no one wanted to make you uncomfortable since you are obviously not ready to discuss with them...don't read too much into it....congrats on your 43-44 days. I hope you feel better today.

I've been trying to figure out what this means. Can you elaborate please?

We can twist ourselves in knots worrying about that...

We, as humans, cannot control what others think about us.

...but we can control our thoughts, our actions, and our ideas.

Focus on yourself and your recovery.

Kjell

Yes, I'll do my best to explain what I mean...

Regarding this:
From my perspective, at a month and a half sober, I would have enough of my own stuff going on, enough worrying and feeling bad, without even thinking about what is going on with anyone else. I have to own my own stuff and let everyone else own their's. I have to work on my own sobriety, for myself, not for anyone else or because of what anyone else thinks, says or does.

I can't control what other people think. And other people experience and understand me through their own filters. One person may see me one way and another person may see me a completely different way. And, in fact, this is true. Everyone sees, understands, and experiences me through their own selves. As I do them.

When I worry and fret and even freak out over what I believe others think about me, or what they think is best for me, or what I believe others think I should or should not do, I have to ground myself. Because being scared, stressed, or worried is detrimental to me. And I imagine being that way would be detrimental to your sobriety. I often have to remind myself that what other people think about me is none of my business. And that puts me back in charge of the only thing I can control: Me. And usually, that begins with how I think.

Reset, what you attribute to how OTHERS may be thinking, may be simply what YOU are thinking is best for you. It is OK for you to do what is best for you. Regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Ok thanks (everyone). Sorta figured that's what it was about but I wasn't sure.

I'm slowly getting over the idea that I need to hide this from everyone. Yesterday I told a guy who works for me what was up.

When I quit drinking (the first time), my "friends" would call me up and say, "Hey, let's go to ____" and I'd say, "I can't. I quit drinking." I cannot tell you how many people just could not process that. Every single one of them responded in all sincerity, "WHY?"

The moral? Those who I partied with who were still drinking (which was all of them), had NO THOUGHT that I should stop drinking. They'd literally shake their heads and walk away from me when I told them I was sober. Never-effing-mind the fact that I could have killed myself or worse someone else, drinking and driving and passing out at the wheel every weekend. Throwing up all over myself every other night. Waking up with black eyes and no memory of how I got them. Screaming and yelling at people and terrifying my cats. And all the other **** that was my life back then. They were clueless. And most of them? Still drinking.