I'm not an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
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I'm not an alcoholic
Before you say I'm in denial, I've taken every online test I can find and none of them diagnose me as alcoholic. The only symptom of alcoholism that I have is that my wife thinks I have a problem. She apparently thinks that having one beer per week is alcoholism, and gives me grief about it.
I'm just wondering if you guys have any ideas for dealing with this relationship problem. It seems denying the problem or arguing with her just makes it worse. I suggest that she take the online alcoholism quizzes, and she says that general definitions don't concern her; what concerns her is our relationship.
What I think prompts this behavior on her part is that there's a history of alcoholism in my family. But does the fact that my grandfather was an alcoholic mean that I can't have one beer, ever? I started drinking at the age of 27, and since then I can count on one hand the number of times I've had more than one drink in one day.
I'm just wondering if you guys have any ideas for dealing with this relationship problem. It seems denying the problem or arguing with her just makes it worse. I suggest that she take the online alcoholism quizzes, and she says that general definitions don't concern her; what concerns her is our relationship.
What I think prompts this behavior on her part is that there's a history of alcoholism in my family. But does the fact that my grandfather was an alcoholic mean that I can't have one beer, ever? I started drinking at the age of 27, and since then I can count on one hand the number of times I've had more than one drink in one day.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SoCal
Posts: 4,491
I suggest couples counseling not alcoholic on line quizzes or alcoholism\addiction facts. My hunch is that your wife is having some concerns about your behavior based on her feelings. And as a woman, I can honestly tell you that discussions based on facts are not convincing to a woman when she is having feelings. I know that doesn't make sense but feelings often don't make sense.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Originally Posted by 35newguy 
Before you say I'm in denial, I've taken every online test I can find and none of them diagnose me as alcoholic. The only symptom of alcoholism that I have is that my wife thinks I have a problem. She apparently thinks that having one beer per week is alcoholism, and gives me grief about it.
I'm just wondering if you guys have any ideas for dealing with this relationship problem. It seems denying the problem or arguing with her just makes it worse. I suggest that she take the online alcoholism quizzes, and she says that general definitions don't concern her; what concerns her is our relationship.
What I think prompts this behavior on her part is that there's a history of alcoholism in my family. But does the fact that my grandfather was an alcoholic mean that I can't have one beer, ever? I started drinking at the age of 27, and since then I can count on one hand the number of times I've had more than one drink in one day.
I'm just wondering if you guys have any ideas for dealing with this relationship problem. It seems denying the problem or arguing with her just makes it worse. I suggest that she take the online alcoholism quizzes, and she says that general definitions don't concern her; what concerns her is our relationship.
What I think prompts this behavior on her part is that there's a history of alcoholism in my family. But does the fact that my grandfather was an alcoholic mean that I can't have one beer, ever? I started drinking at the age of 27, and since then I can count on one hand the number of times I've had more than one drink in one day.
His wife left him anyway, and told everyone that she'd done so because he was an alcoholic!
I always wondered what would have happened to that marriage had the husband refused to accept the label and insisted on finding out what was REALLY going on. Obviously, his wife was unhappy. She blamed his drinking, so that became the focus of discussion, but it's entirely possible that this took the focus off the real issues in their marriage. Certainly it gave her a ready explanation for the divorce, and she was able to portray herself as the wounded party after labeling him with the scarlet A.
All of this to say that I would suggest you continue to resist being labeled and focus on what is really going on. Your wife says she is concerned about your relationship. Take that seriously: she means it. If you continue to reach an impasse in your conversations, then please see a licensed therapist sooner rather than later.
OTT
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
I am thinking..one beer a week on one hand. Marriage in trouble on the other hand..Just compromise and give up the one beer. I will venture a guess that this is stemming from some other issue. You won't find out until you give up that one beer a week.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
IF you are telling us the truth about having only one beer a week, AND the truth about your drinking history, then yes, there is something else going on here.
Marriage counseling seems in order, alcohol treatment does not.
I disagree that someone should "have" to not have one beer a week if he enjoys it, for the sake of his marriage. It's kind of like having a spouse insist on never ever having red meat because there is a familial history of heart disease.
Marriage counseling seems in order, alcohol treatment does not.
I disagree that someone should "have" to not have one beer a week if he enjoys it, for the sake of his marriage. It's kind of like having a spouse insist on never ever having red meat because there is a familial history of heart disease.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Sounds to me like there is a control issue gong on here with your wife. I wouldn't give up that one beer because it's not about the beer. I'm sure if you did, she would focus on something else that you do that is beyond her control.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 456
Originally Posted by soberween
sounds to me like there is a control issue gong on here with your wife. I wouldn't give up that one beer because it's not about the beer. I'm sure if you did, she would focus on something else that you do that is beyond her control.
To add to that.. Were you drinking at all when you got married? Only reason I ask, I was in a relationship (pre-alcoholic days, but light drinking), and the woman I was with would not tolerate ANY drinking.. That was the rules.. She was abused by an alcoholic step father.. So the choice was mine to make, no drinking and be with her.. Or drinking without her.. Obviously, that relationship only lasted 6 months.
unlearning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: russia
Posts: 343
Agree with all of the above. I'm hesitant to comment, but feel compelled. To solve the problem (equation) logically, remove the variables and make them absolutes. Remove alcohol absolutely from the equation and it is no longer a factor.
Looks like logic is not all that is involved here though. It seems feelings are involved as member Lyddie suggested. They may surface on their own, or not. In either case it would help to be more "sensitive" than "logical". It may take outside help assuming both of you are willing.
Looks like logic is not all that is involved here though. It seems feelings are involved as member Lyddie suggested. They may surface on their own, or not. In either case it would help to be more "sensitive" than "logical". It may take outside help assuming both of you are willing.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 68
Sorry guys, but acting like the guy should stop having one beer a week is completely ridiculous. The wife will find something else to complain about as that is simply not rational.
I would either go to marriage counseling if you love her or kick her to the curb. A happy good relationship is the best thing in the world, a bad one is the worst..I've had good ones become bad but I've never had a bad one become good.
I would either go to marriage counseling if you love her or kick her to the curb. A happy good relationship is the best thing in the world, a bad one is the worst..I've had good ones become bad but I've never had a bad one become good.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 432
dubguy, I totally disagree. Being married means picking your battles. I don't think 35newguy is an alcoholic, but it doesn't matter. If it's just one beer a week, and he can take it or leave it, and it makes his wife uncomfortable, then he should stop. Whether it's rational or not is also irrelevant. We want our spouses to be tolerant with US when we act a little irrational, so we owe them the same thing.
It's a trivial thing, and losing small battles like this usually means getting more leeway in the bigger things.
"kicking her to the curb" and possibly trashing a lifetime of happiness over one beer a week is crazy.
PS I've been married 22 years and never been happier...
It's a trivial thing, and losing small battles like this usually means getting more leeway in the bigger things.
"kicking her to the curb" and possibly trashing a lifetime of happiness over one beer a week is crazy.
PS I've been married 22 years and never been happier...
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Well, I don't have any reason to assume you are not telling the truth when you say 1 beer per week, but I would agree that sounds like it isn't an alarming quantity.
The 1 per week isn't an average, is it? For example, some people might say 1 beer per week if that meant drinking most of a case of beer 3 times a year.
I'm not an expert, but I think it's possible to be an alcoholic on a ridiculously low amount and a ridiculously low frequency. We just don't hear about them as much. Just like we hear about alcoholics drinking every day more often than those that binge. Unless I've got that wrong. My point is that the volume and frequency vary for people with the problem. And the problem is when you are counting on the alcohol being there and it isn't - and if that feels unsafe or abnormal. It's like a relationship. For someone without alcoholism, there wouldn't be a relationship with alcohol. That's how I see it.
She's not here to defend herself or to explain more about herself, so I have little idea what your wife is all about. If you are not doing something unreasonable or dangerous with this one beer per week, then it sounds like there is something else wrong with the spousal relationship. She must have expressed reasons for not wanting to see you have one beer per week, but I have no idea what they may be.
Did you join this site because you want to explore your own feelings about it? Or to show her posts from alcoholics who say you are not an alcoholic?
Hope it works out one way or another.
The 1 per week isn't an average, is it? For example, some people might say 1 beer per week if that meant drinking most of a case of beer 3 times a year.
I'm not an expert, but I think it's possible to be an alcoholic on a ridiculously low amount and a ridiculously low frequency. We just don't hear about them as much. Just like we hear about alcoholics drinking every day more often than those that binge. Unless I've got that wrong. My point is that the volume and frequency vary for people with the problem. And the problem is when you are counting on the alcohol being there and it isn't - and if that feels unsafe or abnormal. It's like a relationship. For someone without alcoholism, there wouldn't be a relationship with alcohol. That's how I see it.
She's not here to defend herself or to explain more about herself, so I have little idea what your wife is all about. If you are not doing something unreasonable or dangerous with this one beer per week, then it sounds like there is something else wrong with the spousal relationship. She must have expressed reasons for not wanting to see you have one beer per week, but I have no idea what they may be.
Did you join this site because you want to explore your own feelings about it? Or to show her posts from alcoholics who say you are not an alcoholic?
Hope it works out one way or another.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 432
I can't believe some of you guys. "kick her to the curb?" "your wife needs to go?". You people are honestly saying this guy should DIVORCE HIS WIFE just because she nags him a little bit on this one issue? He doesn't say she's screaming at him every day, he doesn't say she's throwing tantrums or slapping him or anything, all he says is that she "gives him grief". That sounds fairly mild to me.
Think before you type, gents.
Think before you type, gents.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Originally Posted by Soberween
Sounds to me like there is a control issue gong on here with your wife. I wouldn't give up that one beer because it's not about the beer. I'm sure if you did, she would focus on something else that you do that is beyond her control.
i'm sorry if i sound harsh, but i have no patience with people who LOOK for flaws in others when there are none....
you and your wife could be out having fun instead you are posting here looking for support...why can't she give it to you?
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 3
Thanks for the replies, guys. To answer some of your questions:
One drink per week: this is a rough average. I don't have a quota or a weekly schedule or anything. Many weeks I don't drink at all. During a beach vacation, I may have as many as 7 drinks in a week (one per day).
I think she's making a much bigger deal about this than it justifies, but it's still not a marriage-threatening issue. She's not yelling or throwing things or spending nights at hotels. She's just nagging me, and it's annoying.
Certainly I don't value beer over my marriage, but I don't see why it has to be either/or, especially since my wife drinks, too. She probably drinks about half as much as I do total, but is more likely to binge drink. In other words, she'll usually order a beer and drink only half of it, and then once every 6 months or so she'll have 3 drinks with her girlfriends, which is a lot for her because she's tiny. But there's no history of alcoholism in her family that we know of, which for whatever reason she has decided is a key factor.
Online quizzes aside, I'll tell you why I'm sure I'm not an alcoholic. I drink when I want to and I don't drink when I don't want to. Most of the time I don't want to. After drinking the first beer, I usually switch to water or juice, not because I think I need to control myself, but because I don't want to get dehydrated, and the second beer doesn't taste as good as the first. I have the same exact approach to pizza, chocolate and broccoli: I like all of these things, but have no desire to consume lots and lots of them to the exclusion of other things.
Come to think of it, I had pizza last night and then I had leftover pizza for lunch today. Maybe I'm a pizza-holic? What's the numerical threshold? (joking)
I don't know what the issue is on her end; she insists that it's about alcoholism. From my side it's certainly a control issue. I treat her like an independent adult and don't try to control everything she does, and I expect her to treat me the same way. It's annoying that I can't seem to put this particular issue to rest.
One drink per week: this is a rough average. I don't have a quota or a weekly schedule or anything. Many weeks I don't drink at all. During a beach vacation, I may have as many as 7 drinks in a week (one per day).
I think she's making a much bigger deal about this than it justifies, but it's still not a marriage-threatening issue. She's not yelling or throwing things or spending nights at hotels. She's just nagging me, and it's annoying.
Certainly I don't value beer over my marriage, but I don't see why it has to be either/or, especially since my wife drinks, too. She probably drinks about half as much as I do total, but is more likely to binge drink. In other words, she'll usually order a beer and drink only half of it, and then once every 6 months or so she'll have 3 drinks with her girlfriends, which is a lot for her because she's tiny. But there's no history of alcoholism in her family that we know of, which for whatever reason she has decided is a key factor.
Online quizzes aside, I'll tell you why I'm sure I'm not an alcoholic. I drink when I want to and I don't drink when I don't want to. Most of the time I don't want to. After drinking the first beer, I usually switch to water or juice, not because I think I need to control myself, but because I don't want to get dehydrated, and the second beer doesn't taste as good as the first. I have the same exact approach to pizza, chocolate and broccoli: I like all of these things, but have no desire to consume lots and lots of them to the exclusion of other things.
Come to think of it, I had pizza last night and then I had leftover pizza for lunch today. Maybe I'm a pizza-holic? What's the numerical threshold? (joking)
I don't know what the issue is on her end; she insists that it's about alcoholism. From my side it's certainly a control issue. I treat her like an independent adult and don't try to control everything she does, and I expect her to treat me the same way. It's annoying that I can't seem to put this particular issue to rest.
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