I'm not an alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Hey 35...sounds to me there is some underlying issue (maybe alcohol-related, or maybe not) that she is afraid of? It does seem odd that she is worried about your very moderate consumption, yet enjoys the occasional adult beverage herself.
Even if you were to do as others suggest and quit drinking the occasional beer, do you think she might find something else to fret about in its place?
There's two sides to every story, it would be interesting to hear what she were to say if she joined this discussion! Do you have any idea what she would say if you invited her to speak her piece here?
Maybe a visit with an impartial relationship counselor can help you guys get to the bottom of what's really going on.
That's all I've got; I'm taking what you say at face value and true, so it does seem odd to me that it bothers your wife so much.
Even if you were to do as others suggest and quit drinking the occasional beer, do you think she might find something else to fret about in its place?
There's two sides to every story, it would be interesting to hear what she were to say if she joined this discussion! Do you have any idea what she would say if you invited her to speak her piece here?
Maybe a visit with an impartial relationship counselor can help you guys get to the bottom of what's really going on.
That's all I've got; I'm taking what you say at face value and true, so it does seem odd to me that it bothers your wife so much.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
35,
I keep being reminded of that guy who went to AA to save his marriage. He did what a few others here have suggested for the reason they suggested. He thought if he took alcohol out of the equation it would satisfy her. It did not. All it did was validate the "alcoholic" label. If you are certain that alcohol is not truly the problem, then don't join her in pretending that it is.
But DO take her seriously, because there IS a problem. I would suggest finding out what behaviors (besides the simple act of drinking) or attitudes of yours are the problem in her view, and don't settle for "you won't quit drinking when I tell you to". Is it possible that you ignore her requests generally? Are you dismissive of her opinions and feelings in other areas? Do you treat her with disdain or disrespect? I am not saying any of these things are true, but if your wife's concerns are not really about your drinking, then: 1. there is some larger pattern of behavior that she has come to blame on or identify with your drinking, 2. she is looking for an excuse to leave you, or 3. she is delusional. I tend to think the first possibility is the most likely, and I continue to think that marriage counseling would be a very good idea for you.
OTT
I keep being reminded of that guy who went to AA to save his marriage. He did what a few others here have suggested for the reason they suggested. He thought if he took alcohol out of the equation it would satisfy her. It did not. All it did was validate the "alcoholic" label. If you are certain that alcohol is not truly the problem, then don't join her in pretending that it is.
But DO take her seriously, because there IS a problem. I would suggest finding out what behaviors (besides the simple act of drinking) or attitudes of yours are the problem in her view, and don't settle for "you won't quit drinking when I tell you to". Is it possible that you ignore her requests generally? Are you dismissive of her opinions and feelings in other areas? Do you treat her with disdain or disrespect? I am not saying any of these things are true, but if your wife's concerns are not really about your drinking, then: 1. there is some larger pattern of behavior that she has come to blame on or identify with your drinking, 2. she is looking for an excuse to leave you, or 3. she is delusional. I tend to think the first possibility is the most likely, and I continue to think that marriage counseling would be a very good idea for you.
OTT
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Originally Posted by 35newguy 
Certainly I don't value beer over my marriage, but I don't see why it has to be either/or, especially since my wife drinks, too. She probably drinks about half as much as I do total, but is more likely to binge drink.
Welcome to SR, newguy.
This is certainly a head scratcher. Only you know how much you drink and whether it's a problem. I know I didn't find SR by mistake. If you aren't an alcoholic and don't have a problem with the booze, why do you want a bunch of us alkies to give you relationship advice?
Regardless, welcome again.
P.S.--About the one beer or drink thing...my one drinks were absolutely humongous. I could guesstimate how many standard drinks in a cup, but my one or twos would definitely knock the average person out.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
35newguy.....
Thanks for checking back with us.
I agree....neither you or your wife are alcoholic/addicts.
Hope the 2 of you can find a way to continue your marriage
in harmony and peace......
As our SR mission is to assist others and their loved ones to
overcome addictions......this site is simply not geared to your situation.
While our members are sharing from their point of view and are well meaning
we just don't do marriage counseling on SR.
All my best to both of you.
This thread is finished....lets all go find a struggleing alcoholic to share with.
Thanks for checking back with us.
I agree....neither you or your wife are alcoholic/addicts.
Hope the 2 of you can find a way to continue your marriage
in harmony and peace......
As our SR mission is to assist others and their loved ones to
overcome addictions......this site is simply not geared to your situation.
While our members are sharing from their point of view and are well meaning
we just don't do marriage counseling on SR.
All my best to both of you.
This thread is finished....lets all go find a struggleing alcoholic to share with.
Last edited by CarolD; 02-13-2011 at 05:52 AM.
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